The Bluest of Eyes, The Tightest of Hugs. A Poem.

The bluest of eyes.

Deepest feeling
For the love of a daughter.
Nothing else compares,
Don’t even bother.

Born just a child,
Becomes a best friend.
All through the years
Does her love she send.

Through the world.
Through her words.
Through her hugs.

The bluest of eyes,
The tightest of hugs.

She would tell me,
Eventually in time,
That I was the love of her life,
As her eyes would shine.

Her eyes would light up
As she talked about me.
Such beautiful happiness,
And I know you’d agree.

Her love for me was so deep,
Yet I didn’t understand,
Until after she was gone
What was really at hand. 
 
The bluest of eyes,
The tightest of hugs,
Hands fit perfectly together
Like a worn, warm glove.

All through her life
I was her constant love.
So pure and deep
Like a white, innocent dove.

Fear of losing me,
Was on her mind.
But our paths would be together,
God’s plan for us for all time.

Roles became reversed.
Love is never ending.
Even in death,
Our love is enduring.

The bluest of eyes,
The tightest of hugs,
Addiction for each other
I’m very honored of.

Your soft kisses of love
You left on my cheeks
Means so much even now,
It makes me feel weak.

Same nose.  Same lips.
I see my Mom in reflections,
And it’s an honor to feel
So much affection.

I notice at times
When I laugh deep,
“Hey, that’s my Moms voice I hear!”
And I smile and leap.

The bluest of eyes,
The tightest of hugs,
The love of my life
Sent from above.

I’ve never felt
Such a connection.
It’s like a sense of
Protection.

My heart is full.
My heart is empty.
But I don’t want
Any sympathy.

Why?

Because I’ve experienced a love so strong,
That my heart and life are blessed.
So why would I be sad…
I’m honored! I must confess.

My first touch was you. 
Your last touch was me.
There’s no other placed
I’d want to be.

You held me first.
I held you last.
I was honored to watch you go to heaven,
As I sat next to you when you passed.

The bluest of eyes,
The tightest of hugs,

Hands fit together perfectly

Like a worn, warm glove.

Addiction for each other
I’m very honored of.
The love of my life
Sent from above.

Nothing else feels
Like a Mother’s love.

After I'm Gone...

Help Others with Meaningful Photos

We all come across pictures that we envy, right?

One of the pictures I have always loved is when a human is in a hammock with their fur baby.  For some reason, I just really love those photos!  Another photo I have always admired is the ones where the photo is FROM inside a tent and you can see the beautiful outdoors through the opening of the tent.

Here, let me find an example of both.  Maybe you will feel the same warmth when you see them as well.

See?  Aren't they cool!?

When I went to Lake Mead in February with my friend, Robin, a lady walked up with two cute little dogs.  Then we saw she was trying to put up a hammock.  I helped her by holding the two leashes while she and Robin hooked up the hammock (it wasn't easy by herself to try and hold back the dogs as they tried to run and play while she tried to hang up the hammock, lol).

And then I asked her something that probably meant more to me than her, lol.  I asked her if I could take some pictures for her with her in the hammock with the two dogs.

Her eyes lit up - she was so ecstatic!  She said she never had a picture of them with her in the hammock and it really meant a lot to her.  I took many photos with her camera phone and many different angles - including trying to get the lake in the background.

She was very thankful and happy!  Her little dogs seemed happy as well, haha

So while you may not be able to replicate a photo you love in the way you imagined, maybe you also will get a chance to help others replicate it, tho.

You don't need to be in it for it to be priceless and meaningful.  :)

My Mom's Friends

I went to my favorite city for my birthday in early February this year. If you don't know or can't tell yet from my blog, my fave city is Las Vegas. So, I was very happy to be there on my birthday!

I fully admit I went there because I figured doing what I love to do in the city I love would not disappoint me, as on most holidays I feel alone and very disappointed. I also fully admit the reason for disappointment is because of my expectations. But even when I don't have expectations, my friends still are not there for me when I need them. So, I thought I would take of control the situation and just go to Vegas!

(and btw that backfired because as soon as I got home I was depressed again from the lack of care I still didn't feel upon returning.)

Anyways!

One of my dear friends lives in Vegas and I met with her the day before my birthday to go to Lake Mead for some hiking and to be "in nature," which was a really great day trip with her.

I didn't know if she even knew it was my birthday the next day, but she did and told me she wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday.  That right there meant a lot!  It really meant the world to me to be thought of on such a special day. With no family around and not that many close friends, her offering and thoughtfulness meant the world to me.

We go this little Italian place (Battista’s Hole in the Wall) that is a local favorite and it's a very cozy spot.  The menu's are written on the walls and it has several enclosed eating rooms - very quaint.

At one point, my friend Robin goes to the bathroom, kinda towards the end of the meal. I don't think anything of it really. I figured she had to go the bathroom lol. What I don't know is she is secretly telling the waiter it's my birthday and to please add a candle to the desert.

While she is gone, I checked my phone (I try not to even look at it when out with friends) and I noticed I received an email notifying me that someone commented on my Mom's online obituary.

I read the comment and I just started immediately crying!  (as I type this out, I'm starting to cry now).

So, Robin comes back and she's a little confused, because all she did was go the bathroom and then she comes back to find me bawling, lol. It was pretty funny.

The message was from a childhood friend of my Mom's. Yes, you read that correctly, my MOM.

"I just found your mother passed and will share the sad news with the others who will want to know. We have had a couple of get to-gethers this past year and many ask "What about Toni?" I found her listed as Toni Duncan on an Ancestry family tree, with your father. She was Toni Leach to us! From all I've read here, you are a very special lady as was your Mom. Please write and tell me about her life. God Bless and keep you. "

I read it to Robin and then she started to smile and tear up.  She was so happy!  She told me it meant so much to her that she was there to witness this emotional reaction from me because it shows how much I love my Mom.  It was quite beautiful to me that she shared that with me, that she was glad she was with me at this moment.

What my Mom and I never knew, was that friends of hers from school (we're talking 50 years ago or so) had been trying to locate my Mom!  But they couldn't find her because of her married name.  When they finally did find her, they found out she had passed away, but they were reaching out to me, her daughter, to let me know that they missed her and that the group still wonder how she's doing.

I can't begin to explain that I felt like it was sign directly from my Mom on my birthday, telling me that she's there with me and she loves me. That's why I was just bawling at the table (omgosh and still balling now!)

It took me awhile to finally respond, but when I did, I told her friend (Betsy) that it meant the world to me that they reached out to me and that they found her.  I also shared with her a link to a blog post I wrote about a trip to Christmas in Gloversville, NY as a child, because she talked a lot about the town my Mom grew up in with her friends.

What I would eventually find out, is Betsy read other parts of my blog.  So, every once in awhile Betsy will email me about a blog post from last year or the year before, and share with me some insight and thoughts of things that she's been through that might help me.

Betsy tells me often that my Mom would be very proud of me (which means so much to me) and also that her and my Mom's friends are very proud of me for the woman that I've become.

(I'm still bawling btw)

I want a state how much it means to me to hear this. I think as children all we really want is for our parents to be proud of us.  And for her friends to think that, just by reading my blog, really means a lot to me because they knew my mom personally.

Betsy mentions a lot of names in her emails and I don't know or recognize them because my Mom didn't talk about her school days.  Or at least I don't recall.

Although I think my Mom would have shied away from talking to her friends from her childhood, what I deeply feel is that it means the world to me to hear that my Mom is still thought of. And that she made more of an impact than she realized.

Betsy told me everyone was so excited to hear from me! I feel like it's a connection to my Mom, even though she's been gone for 7 years last month.

I myself shied away from corresponding with some of the friends who wanted to reach out to me via letters. The only reason why is because already know I'm really bad with keeping in touch. Well, let me be specific: I think I'm good at keeping in touch, but with short replies.  When a long reply is needed/necessary, I procrastinate until I have dedicated time to write something out and so I already know that those letters may go unanswered. While that is unintentional, I still don't want them to feel bad I haven't responded.

Betsy told me her and my Mom's friends talk about me and read this blog.  I hope you all hear me say (omg, more tears!) that you all actively searching for my Mom meant so much!

Let me be frank.  You could have easily just stop looking for her.  You could have easily just stop talking about her.  Instead, you kept looking all these years and talked about her still; wondered where she was.  You never gave up and you finally found me, her only relative left on this Earth.

I'm so deeply touched! I wish I could express this so much more eloquently. I just hope you all know that although you were all searching to try to find her, the outcome for me was a deep, loving feeling from her daughter.

I feel like you are all kind of an extension of my Mom and seeing me as successful woman representing not just myself, but of the wonderful, strong woman who raised me.

I'm deeply touched beyond words.

Thank you for never giving up on trying to find her! I tried to tell my Mom she was important, but she never believed me. Now, maybe she finally does after seeing this connection; that's happened because of her.


THANK YOU!

Break Up After an Argument

I've mentioned a few times that I watch "Iynala Fix my life," a TV show that's on Saturday nights on the OWN Channel. The show has been pretty much transforming for me and I highly recommend it.

Of course if you start crying at home on a Saturday night too, lol, you can blame me. But I wont feel bad for you at all! Instead, I will be very happy for you because of how much you will start learning about yourself and why your relationships are the way they are, which will be very beneficial to you and those around you.

Let me state again that the show shares how our childhood, or how we were raised, or how our parents acted makes a direct impact on us as adults.

And this clearly hit me full in the face the other day when I thought of something from my childhood.

One of my very first boyfriend's was a guy from early middle school named Reagan. I thought that was pretty cool at the time because Ronald Reagan was our president and I was too young to comprehend how this guy's first name was Ronald Reagan's last name, lol.

He lived in a community where the kids didn't have parents. It wasn't like a foster home, it was more like a community-type place that housed a lot of kids. And each went to the local schools in the area.

Anyway, one of the ladies who worked at his community drove to my house and gave me flowers on Valentine's Day from him. As I reflect back, that was really quite impressive if you think about having that type of awareness at such a young age to have someone drive flowers to their girlfriend of two weeks who you hadn't even kissed yet lol.

At some point in this very short relationship, we had an argument. I don't remember what the argument was about at all, but after the argument, I assumed that meant we were broken up now! 

And I think this goes directly to what we see as a child.

I don't recall seeing my parents argue, but the last time I saw them together they were not getting along, and the next thing I knew Dad didn't come by the house anymore and they were divorced. So being the naïve child that I was, I therefore thought that when you get into an argument, you break up.

Luckily he explained that it was just an argument and couples don't break up automatically because of that. Whew! Thank goodness, as I think we lasted a couple of more weeks, at least, lol.

I was really lucky he was smart enough at the time to explain to me why we weren't broken up, instead of just being a typical young teenager and just being mad at me.

Hmm, this guy sounds pretty awesome now that I reflect back - I wonder where he is??  Just kidding!  I don't even remember his last name or even what grade we were in.

I want to add that these reflections and understanding of why we do things as adults because of our childhood helps us in our future relationships.  So, don't think that you are ill-fated for relationship doom lol.  Instead, understand that becoming aware of what you saw and felt as child can help you make different decisions in your adult/future relationships, if it's needed.

And the point is of this blog point is to give an example that what happened in my relationship was directly related to viewing my parents' relationship.  Just what Iyanla talks about on the her show.  Pretty cool!

My Mom

I've written a lot of stories from my life that included my Mom, but I realized the other day I hadn't yet expressed how much she means to me and why. Sure, those things might have come across in my stories, but she deserves a dedicated blog entry about her impact on me. :)

First and foremost, my Mom had a heart of gold. She loved animals dearly.  After she retired, she worked at the Humane Society in San Antonio, Texas. However, they actually had to let her go because she would be standoffish, rude and cold to the humans if she found out that they mistreated their pets LOL.

My Mom actually never thought she was a strong woman, but I'm here to tell you she was. She got divorced in 1977 and back then it was very difficult to raise a child on your own. I'm not saying it isn't today, either, but back then women didn't have the same standing as men. You have to understand that in the 70s and 80s it was tough for females. My Mom couldn't even buy a car on her own because she had to have a man cosign! (that still shocks me.) So, even with a low income under the tough times of that era, she still took care of me, herself and the house my Dad left at her footsteps as he walked out. She was actually very, very strong in my eyes.

After she got divorced in 1977, we would travel often to the Texas Hill Country which was an hour and a half from where we lived on the west side of San Antonio. After about a year, she realized how much she loved spending time along the Frio River camping, that she made the decision to buy a couple of acres. She worked overtime for years to help pay for it. But it ended up saving us a lot of money as she didn't have to keep paying camping fees and instead had her own land to put our tent on. I am very proud she bought the land and had a piece of nature with only her name on it. What a feat!

I pretty much "grew up" in the Texas Hill Country on the weekends. We went every weekend for ten years until I was about 17 years old. Camping, fishing, tubing, hiking, watching stars or satellites, being around nature, seeing all the different animals. My love of nature and the outdoors comes directly from the love that my Mom had of nature. And I love that she introduced me to that part of my love life.

She was very protective of me and if anyone ever crossed me or said anything bad about me she wouldn't speak to them ever again (after she gave him the evil eye of course).

My Mom also was very strong when she stopped drinking. She drank most after the divorce. And when she was around 40 years old, she stopped. She was sober for the next 26 years of her life. I was very proud of her for that, even though not realizing at the time how difficult that was.

The love my Mom had for me was so deep and strong and she would do anything for me. That includes making sure I made it into college, helping me get my first car, etc. And she also taught me a good work ethic. I would help her on weekends around the house or doing yard work. What I didn't know was what that would teach me - how important it is to have a good work ethic. She was also very conscientious at her job, and I learned that from her as well.  Oh, and her English and grammar were very good - as I can attest as she got a red pen out when I was in middle school and marked up one of my papers LOL. But I learned to work hard, be dedicated, and give it my all from her. That's why I'm very conscientious, that's why I meet deadlines without prodding, multitask well, etc, etc. All those things, all those traits I learned from her.

I also witnessed her taking night classes to get a new degree to help her move up from secretary to paralegal. She showed what was possible for me.

I wish she saw all these things I saw about her.

She hated that she had got divorced, more so because of what people thought of her. But what I saw was someone who carried on because of the love she had for her daughter.

I'm not saying there weren't some tough times and I'm not saying there were things I learned what not to do (who hasn't lol), but what I am saying is a lot of the reasons I am a successful woman today, is because of the successful, strong Mom I saw growing up.

The Changing of the Seasons (literally)

Woo-wee, something is going on with me.

I LOVE the summer.  Getting a tan, walking as the hot sun radiates on my face, doing more outdoor activities because the weather feels beautiful, sun is up later in the day, etc.  I definitely feel better in the summer than winter because I get outside more and get more things done after work because it's still sunny outside in the evening hours.

I haven't been walking as much this summer for several reasons, including because my rescue pitbull, Lily, can't handle the heat and because also been pretty depressed almost the entire summer, so haven't really ventured out to parks like I normally do as I don't have the drive or energy.  Further, for the first time I felt it really was too damn hot to even try to walk this summer.

However, for the very first time in my life, I am looking forward to the Fall.

Yea, I don't understand it either, lol.

I made custom wreaths for every seasons/holiday and I dislike the Fall so much that I didn't even make a wreath with orange and brown colors, lol.  To me, Fall is the sign Thanksgiving is coming (the hardest holiday for me) and that winter is coming (I hate the cold).  Further, it gets darker sooner and I just don't like it.

A friend of mine shared he has to do something in the early evening during the winters because otherwise he gets depressed.  Boy, do I understand that!  (even though I have yet to put that into practice)

However this year, I am actually looking forward to the Fall.

It's actually been TOO hot.  I can usually lay out in my backyard every weekend and get a nice tan in only an hour, but these last two months have been so hot and humid, I can barely last 15 minutes.  Seriously!  So, my tan isn't what it normally is.  Further, my arms look thinner and best tanned, and so I've been a tad embarrassed even though I keep wearing sleeveless shirts anyway lol.  So, I'm actually ready for Fall weather so I can where more light sweaters to hide my flabby, not-tanned arms lol.

I am also thinking of driving through Oklahoma one weekend in the next couple of months to look at the all Fall colors.

I also really love hot baths and when it gets colder, the return of the hot baths come into my life almost nightly.  I'm ready!

And sitting by my fireplace in the evenings - so relaxing!

Also when it gets cold, Lily will snuggle up to me while we sleep so she gets warm.  I sure did miss her sleeping right next to me this summer.

And of course my electric bill goes down too in the winter, so it's always nice to save money.

I can't believe I am ready for Fall weather, but I like that I'm not dreading it and instead excited about it for the first time.  :)

UnNormal Thoughts After Bad News

I am very thankful for something I heard and remembered! when I was growing up.

I can't recall where I was, why I remember it, or who even said it, but I am so very thankful.

What was shared was when someone passes away or when something bad happens, it's normal for us to have unnormal or uncomfortable thoughts.

That advice has been very helpful for me all my life to not feel guilty about maybe some ill thoughts that might creep into my brain.

The example they gave was very simple, but very powerful.  Let's say you are in your teens and your Grandpa passes away.  But yet you had a slumber party to go to the weekend of the funeral.  What was explained was, it's normal to feel bad about not getting to go to the slumber party.

Again, I can't remember who shared the story or if I read it in school or when/where I heard this, but it truly has helped me all these years.

Sometimes we do have kinda rude, non-normal and what seems like unnatural thoughts when we hear about bad news that might affect plans we had.

Of course, what you eventually do is your decision you have to live with, lol, but it's normal to have initial thoughts and concerns that sometimes don't make sense in our mind.  Shouldn't I care more about going to see Grandpa?  The feeling of selfishness, guilt or shame can be tough on us.  However, because I learned at a very young age these thoughts are normal, I don't feel guilty or bad; I don't let them bother me and I don't feel bad about myself.  

I'm sharing this to hopefully help others if you have thoughts that don't really make sense after bad news.  

Remember:  Normal!

Say Something After Loss

I went to Vegas one year for a tournament and ran into a friend I only see at tournaments and now on social media.

This was about 5-6 years ago.

She had posted on FB a month or so before that a good friend of hers had passed away.  When I saw her a month later in the hallway to the convention area, I gave her a hug and then said, "Hey, sorry about your friend."

Her response was not what I was expecting, but little did I know it would slap me in the face years to come.

She was SO thankful I said I was sorry and for acknowledging his passing.  She told me, "You know what, not even my closest friends have really said that to me."  She actually went on quite a bit and shared her pain, hurt and heart that hardly anyone said anything to her about his passing.

I know the reason I said it - because I understand death; I understand the emptiness; I understand the sorry and the pain.

However, there so many others who know the effects of death, and yet they still don't/didn't say anything.

Fast forward 5-6 years.

One of my best friends, Dave, passed away TWO days before I went to Vegas to help run a tournament just this past May.  I ran into, I don't know, close to 100 people or more I knew.  Almost all are friends with me on FB, too, so if they saw any post from the last few months, they knew either Dave was very sick with his brain cancer or they found out he passed away just recently.

Only ONE person said they were sorry for my loss and one other mentioned him to me.

I'm speechless.

I am just at a loss honestly.  Empathy of losing a loved one means SO MUCH to a person after a loss.  And yet hardly anyone even says anything.

I get the excuse all the time that people are "scared to say something" or "think they shouldn't say something."  That's bullshit.

The honest truth is we are all busy living our own lives and we become distracted, maybe selfish and we don't think of what others are going through.  I'm guilty of this, too, so I'm not immune either.

Sure, some people are very helpful and nice.  And I know 99% of people never intentionally hurt others during tough times.  But it doesn't really matter to even be cognizant of all that, honestly.

Losing someone hurts.  It's painful.  It's sad.  And some of us would really love for a friend or acquaintance to say, "Hey, how you doing?  Sorry to hear about Dave."

Instead, it's an after thought.

Like she said, even with our closest friends, we hardly hear anything.  And for some reason, it's always the ones we wish we would hear from that seem to really make it all worse.

My advice is SAY SOMETHING.  Anything.  If they don't want to talk about it, that's okay - at least you showed you care.  But, loss is not the elephant in the room.  We want our loved ones to be acknowledged and remembered; not ignored.

People think it's painful to bring up the loss of a loved one.  What's painful is when they aren't brought up at all while we suffer alone.

Water and TV in Paris

When I went to Paris, France last year, I noticed something.

I didn't watch TV one single time, nor did I drink any diet sodas.

At home, I fall asleep with the tv on and leave it on all night.  I actually thought I couldn't go to sleep without the tv on, but Paris proved that theory wrong.  Further, I have the tv on at all times during the day when I am home - whether for background noise or because I'm watching tv.

Although I do admit ALL that walking in Paris and also being on some meds (b/c I cut off the tops of two fingers with a crazy lawnmower) might have allowed me to fall asleep pretty easy in Paris.  But, it's still shocking to me I didn't watch tv for 10 entire days.

I now sometimes will even turn the TV off in the middle of the night (blasphemy!) when I wake up to go pee.  There's a few times it's TOO quiet though and my brain starts to think so I have to turn the tv back on, but most of the time I do fall back asleep.  I still don't initially fall asleep with the tv off - my brain gets too distracted with thoughts and therefore listening to what is on tv stops all that and I go to sleep pretty fast otherwise.

I have a diet pepsi (or diet coke) at least once a day, sometimes more.  I hardly ever drink water unless I'm walking, doing yard work, or laying out to get some sun.  To realize I drank water for 10 days straight is pretty amazing to me.  It shows I can actually drink water only, even though I don't really care too, haha.

I don't recall feeling better or different from drinking water for 10 days.  But, I didn't drink water all the time - only really when I ate.  So, it wasn't like I drank the "recommended amount" every day for the human body, more so just didn't drink anything but water when I was thirsty or ate.

Dammit I Still Miss You

Hearing your voice again
Brought me back to day one.
The first day you captured my heart,
And you still have it won.

That deep voice of yours,
Is so unique.
I'm so blessed to recognize it
Every time I hear you speak.

It's not just the sound of your voice
But the words you speak.
Makes my heart skip,
And my legs weak.

I miss you.

Some days you are hiding in my brain.
Other days you are everywhere.
I can only hope that I cross your mind too
And that you still care.

I think you do,
Even as we live separate lives.
Wishing we could instead
Take a step and climb....

Climb into each others arms
Maybe share a deep kiss
Even if for a short time
Enjoying the silence and bliss.

Well, not that we are quiet,
As we talk and catch up
To always update each other,
Of time we are trying to makeup.

I think we are both proud and happy
Of what we hear.
Yet, a tad jealous
We aren't more near.

Near in life
Near in sharing,
Near in arms,
Near in staring.

Staring into the same world
Together with the same eyes
But different hearts and minds,
Enjoying life's surprise.

I can't begin to express
How much you impress me.
I want to rub my mind on yours
Just to get a glimpse of how you see.

See the world,
See your visions,
See beyond skin,
See your decisions.

Bottom line remains...
I miss so much about you,
Yet it still feels for some reason
All so brand-new.

I think that's a beautiful thing,
To still be excited
Knowing when we talk
We each get so delighted.

The only thing time has done
Is kept us apart.
I can't figure out
If that is good or bad for our heart.

I'm grateful our paths crossed.
Two peas in a pod
Seeing something in each other
And still to this day awed.

Grief Counselor

I am seeing a grief counselor.  They offer this "service" through the Hospice center that Dave was in.  I decided I needed to take them up on it.

At first I thought I was fine, then I realized one day, Oh shit, I AM NOT.

I only meet with her 3 times - and have only been to her once so far.  It was for an hour.  She gave me homework, yeah!  And some things to read, also.  I can tell just hearing someone tell me the things I'm doing (err, not doing) is normal when grieving.  We already really know that deep down, but to hear her confirm it is really helpful.

I think just talking to someone who can validate what I'm feeling or not feeling is helping me.  I still feel bouts of depression at times, but it's not like it was the few weeks before I visited the grief counselor.

I didn't ever see a counselor after my Mom passed and it felt like five years of grieving.  I heard from a friend after her Mom passed, and she went to visit one right away.  I was shocked!  Who thinks of those things and why would it even cross their mind to seek help?  Weirdos :)

I actually asked her about this, and instead if me trying to paraphrase, I'm going to use her exact words because I love the way she writes.  (I actually interviewed her for another blog and continue to be impressed).  Her words helped me, I'm hoping they will help others, too:

---------------------------------------------------------------

I got your card today.  I just really appreciate your kindness and compassion.  You went out of your way to try to take care of someone whose pain you understand – and I just love you for that.  

My mom was irreplaceable, as I’m sure yours was.  I was so devastated at first – poor Travis; he couldn’t do anything to help me.  I was fortunate to have two of my sisters (with whom I’m close) to talk with about it.  We were all suffering greatly, but we knew that the others understood the shock and pain of it.  And it was shocking.  Which is weird – because like with your mom, we knew it was coming.  But still… she was the first person I’ve ever loved who died.  One moment there – the next moment, gone forever.  I still cannot get my brain around it.

I don’t know what I would have done without the counseling that I had.  It really saved me.  It didn’t deny what happened, or try to gloss over it, or try to make it like it never happened.  She and I faced it head on – and that was exactly what I needed.  Since the counseling finished I still have waves of grief, but they are manageable and I don’t feel like a mix between a totally numb zombie and an insanely sad person anymore.  Thank God.  That was really, really exhausting.  Yes, I know that you know what I mean.

And, I know that there is still grief in there.  Today I had to go out to show a lake property to someone and it required that we drive by the lake house that mom and dad used to own.  I kept thinking that if I just went and opened the door, she’d be standing there in the kitchen by the window, smiling at me, like she always used to do.  But no, she’s not there anymore.  And I had to keep myself together because I was with a client.  It has put a pall over the rest of the day. Those kinds of moments will be there for a long time, I’m sure.  

I have thought about you a lot since your mom passed away.  I feel like you’ve handled it incredibly well – and I don’t mean you had a stiff upper lip – f*** that.  I mean that you have handled your grief with grace.  You’ve shared it when you needed to and continued to go on with your life, pain and all.  That’s amazing.  I never met your mom but I wondered if that’s just inherently you or if you got some of that from her.  Either way, it’s a really good model for all of your friends to see.  

I know I said this the other day, but I really recommend that you get the specific support of a grief counselor.  I always say if our legs were broken, we wouldn’t try to fix them ourselves, we’d go to a doctor.  But for some reason when it comes to emotional pain we all think we can do it ourselves.  

But truly, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since your mom passed away, that grief is the same whether it’s been three months or three years – particularly if that grief energy gets stuck in there, as it often does with people like you who are very strong and have a LOT to do.  Through no fault of your own, the grief has been hanging out, waiting for its turn.  That might sound ridiculous – given how much you’ve hurt… but in my experience, when you try to contain it a great deal of time (because you have to get on with the business of living), what doesn’t get expressed will sit there patiently, waiting to fully move through you.  That’s why the grief counseling was so powerful for me – we DEALT with it, in all its full force.  And it did move through.  

If you do decide to seek some counseling, listen to your gut about whether or not you’ve found a counselor who is good for you.  Just like any other profession, there are good counselors, so-so counselors, and crappy counselors.  In my experience, a good counselor resonates with you immediately.  

We’re both doing the best we can, you and I.  It’s been my experience that grief that is dealt with head on can be so much easier to live with.  I wish that for you.

To answer your question, yes – I had my sisters to talk to, but I was drowning in grief.  And so were they.  Did it feel better to be drowning with them than to be drowning alone?  Yes… but what we all really wanted was to not be drowning at all.  And there’s a very big difference between talking about your feelings (like with my sisters) and dealing with them therapeutically.  My sisters and I all felt the same; we were all really only able to reinforce one another’s grief.  In therapy, I was able to get an entirely different perspective – one that allowed me to get a little separation between the grief and me.  In other words, I had felt completely overtaken by the grief – like that was all I was.  But when I was able to get that different perspective, I could reconnect with the parts of me that weren’t just grief.  It was just the space I needed for the grief to lose its chokehold on me.  It allowed me to fully deal with the grief without feeling like it would kill me.

I feel much better now than I ever thought I would in only five months since mom died.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over her being gone – but I’m learning to live with that reality.  And I’m okay.

Dealing with Coworkers

I seem to have an issue with how to deal with coworkers who treat others badly or when they are doing things that may not be best for others.  I kinda want to save the world! and make things right.  However, my way of thinking isn't the best solution.  Hell, to be honest, it's not even a solution!

I admit it, I am wrong in the way I think.  I think a part of me wants to run to the head boss (who is a friend of mine) and share things could be better and why and share my disappointment about the person for how they are acting.

But I don't see it as a helpful conversation, I more so see it as kinda complaining about them.  Further, if I can use a child's vernacular, I think maybe I kinda want to "Get them in trouble."

I wonder why that is?  I mean, I don't really want to get anyone in trouble.  But I do want change and for some reason I feel running to the bosses will change a person.  It all comes down to their personality and we all know we can't change personalities, lol.

This leads me to my leadership experience of the week.

About 25 years ago I was at work and this coworker messed up his project badly.  I went to my supervisor and vented about him.  His response was spot-on and something I wish I would have remembered this week dealing with some things at my current job. (decided to jot this down in my blog to hopefully help me remember this :)

His response was, "Did his error directly affect you?"

"uh, no, no it didn't."  in my best Donkey voice from Shrek.

Hmm, damn, it didn't!  lol

It doesn't take away that I was still miffed of his error (as he should have known better from my point of you), but my supervisor was correct.  His lack of proficiency did not directly affect me and my job, so why go and bitch about it or be upset about it or vent to my coworkers about it?

If I was to propel myself 15 years into the future, I would maybe remember the AWESOME book "The Question Behind the Question" (QBQ) that has helped me interact so much more positively with coworkers I don't really like.  (that topic is for another blog post, lol, but I HIGHLY recommend that very short and powerful book.  Only tool that actually ever helped me deal with coworkers that get on my nerves.  Highly recommend it.)

So, let's get to this week.

This week there was a conference and the guy running it was his usual abrasive, condescending self.  He was very loud, sometimes rude to others, and he also interrupted all the speakers so he could add his opinion.  Now, this is his normal personality around work, but I am disappointed and upset he acted that way at the conference.

I found myself complaining about him and upset with his actions, due to all the complaints I heard about him this week.  I hadn't even set one foot into the conference, yet here I was judging him based on all the bad things I heard.

I felt bad today that I was bad mouthing him, instead of thanking the people who helped put the event together.  Focus on the positives, not the negatives, Melinda!  Ugh, disappointed in myself, honestly.

Then I asked my boss for some advice.

More gems for my leadership toolbox:

He said that even if we do go complain, we are complaining about people's feelings of how they were treated.  We can't be a champion for everyone. If they are upset, then they need to say something.  What I CAN control is to offer a suggestion to have an anonymous feedback mechanism about the conference so people can be honest in that avenue if they wish.

Further, my boss told me even if I/we do go complain, is it going to change this guy?  Is he all of a sudden after 50+ years going to change his personality with a simple sit down talk from his boss about how he acted at a conference?  Heck, do we even know if his boss would even talk to him anyway?  My boss was right.  Complaining to anyone wont change the guy.

The third thing he said was we need to share things that we can build on in the future about the conference or what was learned in it (from the attendees).  IE, something else we can control.

I think I need to remind myself of two things:  Does this directly affect me?  And, go back and read QBQ or look at my notes from the book.

Hopefully this blog post will be a great reminder to me when I am upset over things I think I can control.

Retirement On the Horizon

I went to a financial advisor the other day.  My very first time going to one.

With the idea that I am eligible to retire just 9 years away, it was time to see if I can/should retire.

What I found out was I can retire when I'm eligible  Yay!  And not only that, if I do retire when I'm eligible, I will be fine financially.

It was quite comforting to get confirmation that I don't have to keep working past that eligibility age if I don't want to.  And that leads me to my thoughts today.  Just because I can retire, should I?

I have decided two things:  If I still love coming to work, I will prolly not retire.  If I do decide to retire, I need to make sure of my plans of what to do next.

In other words, I can't see myself just traveling the countryside the rest of my life.  Sure, I can do that for the first year maybe, but after that I will want to do something that gives me purpose, like I have found several times in my life (and currently have with my job).

I am thinking I would like to continue to help with end-of life-care services somehow.  That would mean a career change, or maybe volunteering.  Either way, I feel like I am not done helping others.  And lately I have helped a few friends recently with the loss of a loved one and can tell that's where my heart lays right now of how to help others.

I wonder when I read back on this entry in 9 years where I will be with my thoughts about my retirement plans and options?  Sounds exciting already where I will be!

:)

Young then Old

Back about 1984, I attended a chili cook off with my parents.  It was in the country with big oaks trees all around and lots of tents that held cooks of the want-to-be-winners.  I was a frail, young, teenage girl about 14 I think.  I don't recall exactly how I looked this day, but I doubt I was wearing makeup, wasn't wearing cute clothes, probably barely even combed my dirty blonde hair haha.

My parents were hanging out with another couple, who had a daughter who was about 18 or 19 I would guess.  She was GORGEOUS.  She had green eyes, dark hair, and was wearing something country but sexy that showed her figure.  She had her makeup perfect, her hair done nicely, and she was simply stunning.

And I wasn't the only one who noticed.  I witnessed a TON of guys hit on her.  A ton.  They were coming up to her and hitting on her like crazy.  As a little teenage girl, I was mesmerized by what was going on, but also confused.

I mentioned a couple of times to my parents that she was getting all the attention.  I can remember whining about it lol.  As I reflect back, I was envious of the attention she was getting.  And I was very confused why I wasn't also getting attention?  I was a girl, also, why wasn't anyone trying to talk to me?  I was standing right next her most of the day, as we walked along the dirt paths checking out the tents, yet I was invisible to all the guys who came up to her trying to talk to her.

What my parents shared with me and tried to explain was it was her age why she was getting so much attention and in time I would go through the same thing.  It didn't make sense to me at the time.  Like, not AT ALL.

Obviously now it does.  She was older and grew into her own body.  I was still undeveloped and just a kid.  She was almost an adult already.  So, the guys were giving her all this attention and hitting on her.  She took it well, just laughed and smiled and said thank you all day long.  She really was a beauty with those green eyes and very pretty.

What has happened now is something I knew would happen eventually..... I am at the other end of the spectrum!  Instead of too young, I'm now too old!

So, I'm at the age again where no one notices me again.  It's a funny thing in life, to go through this.  I mean, we ALL go through this.  But it is interesting nonetheless.  I'm not complaining, as I have internal beauty and a great heart.  Plus, there was 30+ years of in-between the too-young and too-old where people would try to talk to me.  And more importantly, I'm happier at this age than any other age!

The ship has passed, tho.  I better start showing my personality more now, LOL!

Remembering Others

I watched the movie Coco the other day on a flight.  It's a really cute movie about a boy stuck in the Land of the Dead.  It's a cartoon, so don't fret - it's still very cute and great for kids.

At one point in the movie, "Miguel (main character) encounters Héctor, a down-on-his-luck skeleton who once played music with Ernesto (the guy Miguel is trying to talk to). Héctor offers to help Miguel reach Ernesto; in return, he asks Miguel to take his photo back to the Land of the Living, so that he might visit his daughter before she forgets him and he disappears completely."

The part of the movie that made me sad is the very last part:  before she forgets him.

The Day of the Dead (what the movie also revolves around) is a Mexican holiday celebrated by people of Mexican ancestry. It is acknowledged internationally in many other cultures. The multi-day holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died, and help support their spiritual journey.

I don't even care about myself, honestly.  If I die tomorrow and no one remembers me within a few years, I'm okay with that.  But what I'm NOT okay with is people forgetting about my Mom.  The main reason I would love for friends to think about me on Mother's Day is because my Mom was so very special to me and she DESERVES to be remembered.

And now that my friend Dave has passed, what happens to his memory?  I don't want him forgotten either.

I think as we get older, this crosses our minds.  I mean, I know that there are millions of people we know nothing about who had no impact on history.  So, it's not just my Mom and Dave who eventually wont be remembered.  But boy, even typing that sentence out caused physical heart pains. 

After I'm gone, who will talk of my Mom?  I suppose anyone who happens to run across my blog will know of Toni Bailey (if this blog just magically stays up years after my passing).  But it saddens me to realize that some day I wont be around to help her be remembered.    

WTF.

Don't Get Complacent

I went to Silver Spring, MD for work last week.  That is where our headquarters is for my job, so I've been there about 15-20 times I think?  I mostly go for meetings.

The last few years I have been doing more outdoor things.  When I visit places, I find parks or beaches or gardens to walk at.  Now, I didn't do this before tho.  So, all those times I traveled to Silver Spring, MD, I never ventured anywhere but between the meeting room and my hotel.

One of my friends asked me, "You going to walk in a park while you're there?"

Uh, what?

It hadn't even OCCURRED to me at all to walk in a park or to look to see if there were any close by to take advantage of!

So, I did a little digging before I went and saw a cool, large park about 2 miles or so away.  Then I found a place that had 13 miles of formal gardens!  It's called the "Hillwood Estate, Museum and Gardens."  I was SO excited!  But alas, the hours were 10am to 5pm, right in the middle of my meeting all week.

But, I have decided that next time I go to Silver Spring for a meeting, I will work my flight so that I can arrive a little earlier than I'm used to to go check it out!

I didn't get to the park due to long days and not feeling well due to a tooth issue, but I am so thankful my friend Tina asked me that awesome question.  I don't know why it hadn't crossed my mind to see what parks were close.  Just because I couldn't SEE parks all the times I went to Silver Spring, didn't mean they didn't have any great ones to explore.  Before, I focused more on getting back to my hotel room as soon as possible to get out of downtown Silver Spring. 

Next time, watch out!  The entire green area below is all a PARK!

Missing Someone At the Same Time?

If two people made an impact to each other as their paths crossed, is there a chance they miss each other at the same time, unbeknownst to each other?

I wonder if that's even possible.  Seems far-fetched, but maybe not....the heart is a miracle in itself.

Peacefulness in Death

Right after my friend Dave passed away in hospice on May 7th, I walked down the hallway bawling, barely able to walk, looking for a nurse.  A lady I had never seen before walked slowly towards me at the nurses station - she was unassuming, with pretty short golden hair and nice glasses.  She saw me crying, alone, and in need of a friend, and she said, "I'm a volunteer, would you like a hug?"

I grabbed her without thinking and hugged her, crying on her shoulder. She was at the right spot and perfect time when I needed someone to literally lean on.

When I'm nervous or scared, I ask questions or try and say something funny.  I had heard throughout the week, while I stayed with Dave in hospice, that after a loved one passes away, that several family members become volunteers to help out because they and their family were taken care of so well there; they like to give back.

So, when I was finally able to lean away from hugging her and could finally stop from hyperventilating, I decided to transition the focus of my sobbing to her to help my nerves.  I asked her gently, "So, I heard volunteers help out after they have lost a loved one. Who passed?"

She said, "Well I had a couple of loved ones pass, but not here."

I looked at her confused, wiping tears from my cheeks.  "What do you mean?"

She paused and confided, almost in a whisper, "I was the one who passed away."

I was like, uh, but you're right here.  

She explained cautiously, "I don't normally share with this with many people, but I strongly feel like I was meant to be here today for you.  I had brain surgery a few years ago and I died during the surgery."

Being the person I am, I asked, "OMG, did you see the light?!"

She shared, "Well, sorta.  What I saw was my family.  And friends.  And I felt so much peace when I died.  That's why I volunteer here at hospice, to try and assure family members that their loved ones are at peace when they pass and everything will be okay and you will see them again."

I was STUNNED.  I told her (tears started to flow again) that yep, I, too, now felt she was meant to be there, to help me out in a time of need. 

I could not believe the story she told me.  I had heard something similar from someone else before who also had died and came back, who experienced the peacefulness when dying.  But I had not even thought about it at all because Dave had literally just passed away and my mind was reeling, my heart was breaking, and I was a complete mess.

Marylyn normally doesn't volunteer on Mondays.  She goes on Fridays.  This day was a Monday.  There were so many signs that she was meant to be there on that day because I needed a friend in a desperate time.  What she said to me was at the perfect time; and a great reminder about life, death, and peace.

She stayed with me for the next hour while I called friends about Dave.  I wouldn't go back into his room, so she stood by my side in the large, warm, welcoming, hallway, held my hand, wiped away tears, even handed me a poem she had written - she had just a single one left over, ironically.  

I can't begin to express how important it was for me to see her that day and hear that story right after Dave passed.  And I think it's important to share this with others, too.

Bring Back the Peace!

Sometimes in life we lose our focus.

If we are lucky, we get reminded what our focus used to be or what we want/need it to be.

I have changed over the last few years.  Wanted peace.  But going through life things, I forgot that's what makes me the most happy.

My friend Robin mentioned this quote, "Seek peace and pursue it."

She said sometimes she needs to pretend like she has blinders on, so we aren't distracted by things that are negative, bring us down, derail our peace, etc.

It was a great reminder.

I definitely had lost my focus.  It was okay.... because I was doing things for others, but I am most happy when striving for and keeping peace on the forefront.  And for some reason, I forgot that.

I feel a tad embarrassed about that, but in reality, I was depressed and stressed, and those things can distract us from what makes us happy any way.

Just glad for the reminder so I can start to focus back on PEACE. Hopefully that will help me from grieving too badly over Dave, too.

Being Prepared, As Much As We Can Be

I wrote back in early March that my friend was dying.  At the time no one had any idea when his time to head to Heaven would come, but it is more imminent now.

He is on Hospice.  Not IN hospice.  But hospice is now coming to his apartment and trying to help him out with meds and checking in on him.

He is falling more.  His memory is real bad.  His eyesight and hearing are going.  He still drives (although that may not be the case soon) - he even went to a movie last night.  We talk every day.  Talking to him and seeing him, one would not even remotely think he's so sick.

But the Hospice nurse told me he has about a month. Dave thinks maybe a month or two left.  Several people who have knowledge of brain cancer say when the time comes, it will be a very fast process.

I became his Medical Power of Attorney today.  We signed the papers in front of a notary and his friend Wes is the alternate.

Dave still acts like Dave, just slower and a bit confused.  He is ready to try experimental drugs on his brain cancer.  As he told me today, "Of course I want to try - cancer has killed too many people."

We wont know til next week if that option is even an option.

I have no worries at the moment.  I feel he is in God's hands.  And those ON Earth have prepared to help him.  He even got baptized last Sunday.  He has been attending church with Wes and Wes'  family.

To know the end is near is not something I can comprehend for him, though.  I can't begin to imagine what he's gong through - to know and be aware you are dying, how does one handle that??  I'd personally want to spend my last days somehow fishing while drunk or drugged up - doing something outdoors yet trying to alter my mind so I didn't think about what was about to happen to me.

I admire Dave's strength.  He's become my best friend over the last two years.  He's been so strong for so long.

One of my friends, Courtney told me, "I am very sorry to hear this about Dave. But you know what....Dave got to experience something a lot of people may never experience.  He had an angel on Earth looking out for him......you are truly wonderful for everything that you do for people. Your heart is very beautiful."

Her words made me cry.  Deeply.  But, I am just blessed to even be in a position to be able to help Dave.  That's how I look at it.

What started out as simply raising money for him, has led to where we are today:  I'm his voice for when he can't speak; I'm his advocate; I'm his friend.  Everything happens for a reason and I sure do love that this has worked out for Dave to have help/support from Wes, me, nurses, doctors, etc.   

As weird as it sounds, I feel experienced and ready.  I did this for my Dad, for my Mom, and now Dave.  I know for a fact had I not been there for my parents and been through all that comes with death, I wouldn't be ready for what is about to come and for the decisions I'm about to have to make for Dave.

But, I am prepared.  Dave is prepared.  God is ready, too.

That Male Neighbor

When I was a kid, maybe around 11 years old, I was helping a male neighbor with some yard work in his front yard. I grew up in San Antonio as an only child and the weather was nice most of the year to be outdoors and so I'm sure I was out playing outside and then started to help him with something. I don't recall what. And that's not the point of this story anyway.

I don't remember his name, don't even remember him all that much except for this one particular incident.

Of course, I was just a child back then and don't recall exactly the man's age (prolly in his late 30s or early 40s?), his name, if he had a family, not much at all. I don't think he had kids, though. Can't recall a wife or not. I just remember this white guy and this certain day.  Other than this certain day, I have no other recollection of him, honestly.

So, I'm this little naïve girl helping him with something in the yard and I think he said he was going indoors (maybe for a snack or lunch?) and I asked him if I could go in too.

He replied words that I didn't comprehend as a child, and didn't really think of till years and years later after I moved away from home. Actually, it's not something that crosses my mind often, although it prolly should.

He told me something along the lines of, "You are a little girl and I'm a grown man. It's not proper for you to be alone in a house with a male that you barely know."

I had no clue what he really meant. I wasn't even remotely old enough to understand the true depth of his words, I just said, "okay' and trotted back to my house to play in my yard. I had no clue how impactful his words and advice really were.

As I reflect back, WOW how amazing and smart this guy was for me/him. He barely knew me. I barely new him. I was just this little girl who played outside a lot.

Eventually a family would move in later who became very quiet and I never really saw outdoors. I recall them living in that same house for all my teen years.

I was lucky that that man didn't take advantage of the situation or me. I am very blessed he was cognizant of what that situation could even look like for us.

It was a split second moment in time for me/him. I didn't understand or grasp what he said at the time, but now I recognize how powerful his words were way back then. I hope that moment had crossed his mind as well. He should be thanked, and he should feel good about himself for handling that situation like he did.

One of the reasons this hits home with me, is this was over 35 years ago. Who was thinking that way back near 1980? Back then we were all so much more trusting. Hitchhiking with no worries, trusting almost anyone, etc. Even as I started this blog post, many reading it in today's world may have thought I was going to share a traumatic story, instead of this bright path, right?

To fathom the depth of the maturity of him and that situation is pretty cool.

I'm Scared of Monkeys

I think we all have something we are scared of.  Maybe for you it's heights, snakes, midgets, dogs, or spiders, etc.  My "frightener" is monkeys.

I don't think they are cute, and I don't want to be around them, and I don't have an appreciation for them.  Esp the small ones - they are the scariest to me!

I have a friend who was bit by a dog when she was little and she is literally petrified of dogs who roam free and come anywhere near her.  PETRIFIED.

Well, I'm not really petrified of monkeys, mostly because they don't roam free.  But, I def don't like them and I def don't see them as cute.

When I was little girl at the San Antonio zoo, I climb my cute butt over the fence to grab a few pieces of the food for the monkeys that were on the cement between their cage and some bushes.  The bushes were meant as a guard so we couldn't touch or reach their cages.  Well, I realize that now lol.  But as a small child, I didn't have any change to buy their food from the gumball-looking contraption and instead I saw the food over there on the ground for free.  Hey, I was a child, don't judge!  lol.

As I slipped from the eyes of my Mom, and climbed that fence (it was a short and metal fence, but sturdy), I got by the bushes, picked up the quarter-sized snack and BAM!  A dang monkey grabbed my arm hard!  I swung my head around to see what was grabbing me and omg I was terrified!  Our eyes were fixated on each other and I jerked back as hard as I could to try and break free from this killing creature.  After what seemed like 5 minutes, I was finally able to escape his grasp!  I then jumped back over the fence like I was an Olympic hurdler in first place.  I was scared, shaking, heart racing, wait - petrified!

I have never forgotten that day.  And so of course now I don't think monkeys are cute... at all.

Dang, I was just trying to gather food for them - to give back to them. 

Since then, when I go to zoos I barely look at the killers, I mean monkeys.  Gorillas are okay, orangutans are fine and even a little funny.  I'll check them out.  But their ancestors, the crazy-ass monkeys.  Not interested.  I'm still SCARED!

Becoming a Friend

My friend is dying.

We don't know when he will pass or any timeline, but he went from being cancer free from esophageal cancer/surgery, to tumors in his brain in a 9 month period.

Don't get me wrong, he's not in hospice or anything.  He drives himself to Walmart or to his doc appointments, picks up his favorite ice cream or soup, so he's not on a physical deathbed.  But he's on a mental deathbed.

What started out as me helping raise money for him, has led to good a friendship.  He calls me his guardian angel.  He tells me I improved his quality of life.  And all I've really done is be there for him in the hospital (everyone needs an advocate), been a listening ear to his thoughts (whether daily routine thoughts or worrisome thoughts), and a few times I have paid a phone bill or did his laundry when he was too exhausted to get to the laundry mat.  I am the first person he calls if he has been admitted to the hospital.  I am his friend.  And he is dying.

I am not the only friend who helps him.  Two of his friends, Wes and Courtney, have also been there for him many, many times as well.  Dave calls us the "Dream Team."

He tells me all the time, "I've lived a great life, Melinda."  And he firmly believes it.  Which I admire.

He sometimes makes jokes about dying, but I can imagine he sits in his efficiency apartment and doesn't joke to himself about it.

Dave used to live out of his car for about 10 years.  Some would call that being homeless, but he didn't label it - he just saw it as his life for the last 10 years.  Being in the hospital with cancer in 2017, led to social workers helping him find a place to live, and also led them to help him sign up for a small social security check every month.  He hasn't had a regular income in YEARS.  His only income the last 10 years was from playing pool either in tournaments or gambling.

But he's still lived a great life.  Has lived in Ohio and Texas and Florida.  He worked for the railroad company for about 10 years in the 70s before he realized he could make a ton more money playing pool.  He's been all around, knows a ton of people, seen a lot.

And my friend is dying.

Again, no way to know when the end will come (well, for anyone, right?), could be one year from now for him or could be 3 months.  Only God knows when he will call him up.

He says things like, "That movie Annihilation came out.  I was hoping I'd still be alive to see it and here I am."  Or, as we pick out two 12-packs of his favorite shakes, "Do I really need that many shakes?  I don't know if I'll be alive in 24 days."

He's not living like he's dying, though, which is a really good thing.  If he had more stamina, he'd play pool every day like usual; now he only plays every once in a while.  But he still goes to the movie theater, still checks out sales on clothes at JC Penny, runs his own errands, etc.  You'd never really know he has brain cancer unless you were told - he walks around like every normal person and takes care of himself.

I have told him I want to be by his side when he passes; I don't want him to be alone.  He said he would understand if it's too tough to watch him die, but the only hand he wants to be holding is mine.

I am honored to be this person for him.  HONORED.  It would be my privilege.

Sure, it will be tough.  But I truly believe since I was by my Mom's side when she passed, I will have the strength and knowledge to be there for Dave when his time comes.

My friend is dying.  Did I mention that?

Here we are back in July 2017 at a tournament I was running when he got in my photo when I was trying to take selfie lol:

The Effects of Not Having Children

This is a story about a woman who didn't want kids.  And the potential impact to others.

I grew up an only child.  Was never really around other kids, especially never around babies.

I was told my whole life that at some point my motherly instincts would kick in very loudly and I'd magically want to have kids.  Still waiting!  Never happened.  Not once.  Not even a smidgeon.  Is there really a loud boom?

So when I dated a guy in my 20s for 5 1/2 years, I knew the whole time I didn't want to have kids.  At the end of our relationship when we finally talked having kids (TIP - talk about it sooner!), I told him I didn't want to.  He was a tad upset wasting all that time with me.  But his other response was sweet: Yes, I  want to have kids, but I want to have kids with you.  Sweet or not, the boom still wasn't there.  At that I point, even with all the other issues we were having, we were done.

I couldn't give him what he wanted.  And he should go find a woman he loved who wanted kids as much as he did.

My next boyfriend I was with for 7 years.  We talked about kids much sooner.  I was very straight forward:  You want kids, don't date me.  I can't tell you if I will or wont want kids some day, but I can tell you right now I do not.  

I knew I couldn't tell the future, so I had to leave some smidgeon of an out if I did some day hear that boom to have kids.  

He responded very kindly:  I'd rather be with you and no kids, than not with you.  We eventually married, then divorced.  No kids.

My point of this jaunt down memory lane really isn't about me.  It's about these two guys.  One spent 5 1/2 year with me in his 20s, wasting his time with a woman who didn't want to have children.  The other spent 7 years of his life in his 30s being in the same non-boom boat with me.  

Both of these men today still do not have kids (even after 10-20 years).  

I wonder if I "stole" their prime years to meet someone who they could have had kids with? 

Now, I've stated before I have no regrets in life (still stand by that belief, as I believe everything happens for a reason).  If they each went on to meet a great woman and have kids, I'd feel quite different about these wonderments.  But neither did.  Each had a subsequent long term relationship after me, and each didn't have kids still.  One eventually married and "gained" a family with about 4 children and I just know he's on cloud nine!  But each of these men never had kids of their own.

Did I stop them from having kids after me?  Well, hardly.  Could they have found a great woman to have kids with?  I'm sure.

I guess just wasn't in the cards for them.  And no boom for me.  

I sense we are all very happy people still running around on earth, not disgruntled or depressed or suicidal we didn't have kids.  But, it's still pretty wild thoughts I thought of the other day and wanted to capture in words in my blog.   

Not Just An Ordinary Trip to the Store

I'm a firm believer in several things, including these two items:  Everything happens for a reason and sometimes I like my patience to be tested to see how I'll react.

Both of the beliefs came up today.

I posted this on my social media account just in June, let me just copy/paste it here:

I actually look forward to long lines, stuck in traffic, having situations happen that alter my plans for the day. Why? Because I like to see how positive I react to them lately! :) I like NOT getting upset or frustrated over stuff I can't control. I like being tested to see how far I've come to not get frustrated and ticked off over things that used to piss me off. I like being the one who smiles at the cashier and thanks them working, when everyone else in line is upset. I like realizing I'm okay with the crappy driver in front of me, and not let it ruin my day. I like that I don't overreact over bad customers at stores, or crappy people on the phone. It definitely makes for a less stressful day when I am less stressed. 

Today, this was tested.  I sneezed on the way to work.  So what, right?  I was then held up driving into the parking garage because some guy sat there for 5 minutes trying to get in.  He eventually backed up, but almost hit me, as I honked my horn to let him know I was still behind him waiting for his action, but not to where he'd hit me trying to get out of the way lol.

As I got out of my car in the parking garage, I noticed snot was on the front of my shirt from that cute sneeze earlier.  REALLY?  I have dinner plans tonight and was hopeful I could get it off with water. 

Walking directly to the bathroom, sure the snot came off (whew) but the napkin I used in the bathroom left little white specks on the top of my left boob on my shirt.  Will this be a great dinner conversation with Dr. Belfi?

I then saw a contentious email at work as I started to go through my inbox, but did not yet reply yet (leadership rule 101 - wait to reply when upset).

I then tried to activate a new phone I received.  I called Sprint three frustrating times with no successful activation.   I was finally told I need to go to a Sprint store.  Because I have dinner plans, I couldn't wait to go after work.  Further, I was instructed to call Dr. Belfi to let her know I was at her place to escort me to the dining room, so I needed my phone to be working before this 5pm dinner.

So, I hastily, with frustration, grabbed my purse, old phone, new phone, stained shirt, and went to the Sprint store.  I hit every light.  Well, of course!  I even had to wait at one point for some big truck to lower his load before he could move out of the way for us to pass.

At this point, I'm laughing as all these hiccups keep coming at me, but inside I am PISSED I'm having to go the Sprint store and take off from work to try and get my phone activated/working.

I had already told myself, "Well, at least there's a Chic Fil A nearby and I can grab that before heading back to work."

I also prepared and told myself to smile when I walked into the Sprint store.  Don't be mad, Melinda, just be nice.  Even though I'm pissed doesn't mean I need to take it out on the innocent guy trying to work today.  I even said a little prayer to God, asking for calmness (and for my phone to get fixed easily).

As I walked in all nice and calm, I smiled and explained my issues. He did some magic and the phone was activated in 5 minutes!  I could not believe it!  If I could have hugged the stranger, I would have!  But in this #metoo atmosphere, I just gave a happy handshake.

I was ecstatic!

I then drove to Chic Fil A.  As I'm trying to drive to the line for the drive thru, I see a guy in the middle of the VERY large parking lot with a cane.  He looked around, walked a little, stopped, and then looked around again, and then slowly walked past the back of my car.

I played with my newly, finally activated phone, made a nail apt, sent a test text to a coworker, ordered my food, paid, grabbed my food and started to drive from Chic Fil A.  And there was the blind man still.  He maybe got 10 feet from where I saw him before.  And he was still kinda looking, then walking a bit, then turning, then walking a bit then stopping.

As I watched this from my now-stopped my car, I thought about how I could help and what I could do.  Could I walk with him, direct him in a certain direction?  He was obviously lost and confused, and being blind was not helping.

I drove up next to him, asked him where he was trying to go.  "Wells Fargo, next to Chic Fil A," he said very matter of factly.

I turned around in my car seat and sure enough - there was Wells Fargo about half a mile away.  I thought about "our" options for only a few seconds, then told him, "Why don't you get in the car, I'll drive you over."

He found my car with his hands and used it as a guide til he reach all the way around my car to the passenger side door and got in.  He was very thankful for the ride and I asked him jokingly but kinda serious, "You're not a murderer are you?"  Realizing the question would have had bad timing if he was, lol, since he was now already in the car.

He had a backpack on, was an older black gentlemen in his mid 50s, dressed casually.  As he shortened his cane, he thanked me again for the help. 

I then drove him to Wells Fargo.  I asked him where he was coming from, "my house on Carroll street," he replies.  Oh dear, even though that's only a block or two away, how would he get home if he got lost coming here? 

I asked, "Are you gong to be able to make it home okay?"

"Oh yes, I walked here and back just last week."

I pulled in front of Wells Fargo and parked, told him we were there.  He asked, "are we right in front of Wells Fargo?" trying to get his barring.

"Oh, I'm going to help you in," I respond.

I walked to his side of the car, I grabbed his hand that wasn't holding the cane - "is this okay?" I asked.  He said, "It's easier if you lead me with my hand on your shoulder."

Ah, yes, I can envision people walking together like this, helping a blind friend.

I then walked him through the doors and described every turn or door or step and I lead him to the counter.

I then told him to have a good day and he thanked me again.

I knew as I was driving away that I was not meant to go to the Sprint store, I was meant to help this man find his way.

Everything happens for a reason.

Jealous of Drinkers?

I went to On The Border Tuesday night.

And it was a very different visit for me.

You see, this was one of several On The Borders (OTB) that I used to go to when I was drinking.  I'm talking down 4 large margaritas at a time type drinking, over dinner.  I haven't been to OTB but one other time in the last 14 months since I stopped drinking.

I still sat in the bar area - when one goes solo it's less comfortable to sit in the bar area because there are a ton of TVs to watch while you're sitting by your lonesome, lol.

As I sat there in my booth eating chips and salsa, waiting for my enchiladas, I was watching others in the bar area.  I am very perceptive anyway, so it wasn't out of the norm for me to pay attention.

What I noticed was how many people were at the bar who knew each other.  They would smile and raise their margaritas to each other from across the way, or raise their draft beer mug to say their hellos.  Further, every new person or couple that walked in to sit down already knew the bartenders.  "Hey, how you been?!"  And catch up real quick, while the bartender started to pour their "usual."

I think it was happy hour - and I figure they were routine drinkers that go in about that time.  

I used to be one of these people.  Not a "happy hour" person, but one who routinely went to certain restaurants to drink while eating at the bar, and so I would know all the bartenders and waitresses, too.  They became my friends.  Not acquaintances you'd see at your favorite restaurants.  I mean the type of friends you see so often you eventually swap cell numbers or add them on Facebook type of friends.  Yes, that was how often I'd go - the bartenders became my friends.

So, how did I feel this night?  Was I uncomfortable, or what?

One of the fears of sobriety is that you no longer have fun.  And I can tell you I used to have that fear as well and no it's not even remotely true at all lol.  And I have found that us sober people actually have more meaningful laughs - when we laugh it's not a reactionary type of laugh because one is drinking, it's a deep-down, feel it in your tummy type of laugh.  Difficult to describe.

Anyway, first off I had no desire to order a margarita at all.  That is pretty huge for me, since I used to drink here often and abundantly.  

Secondly, as I recall now from my previous sober visit to OTB in the summer, the food wasn't as good as I remembered, lol.  I guess alcohol kinda enhances the taste or something?  I used to only have a few nibbles of rice left on my empty plate while I ordered my 3rd/4th margarita.  These last two visits I barely finished my first of two enchiladas.  (alcohol really does make you more hungry, lol).

Thirldy, I wasn't jealous of the friendships or wished I was sitting at the bar among all the "friends."  You see, my bartender friends are still my friends!  They just aren't at this restaurant.  I still go to other restaurants, sit at the bar, and gab with my bartender friends.  We have just as much fun as the drinkers I saw Tuesday night, except of course I'm not spending as much money, remember every convo, and aren't drinking and driving.  There's those cool things :)

So, no I wasn't uncomfy at all, or wished I was drinking, or even jealous they were drinking.  My thoughts were on how I wished I'd of gone with my instinct to go to a different Mexican restaurant lol because of the taste of the food.  Oh, and taking fun photos for my social media accounts:

My enchiladas were smiling at me!