The Unseen Burden of Certain Questions

It's incredibly tough when seemingly innocent questions cause deep pain, especially during vulnerable times. And they aren't trivial instances - some have a significant emotional impact, and they stay with us.

Sometimes, a seemingly simple question can inflict deep emotional distress, even if that's not the asker's intent. While "terrible" might not be the exact word, there are moments when a question, innocently posed, places you in an incredibly difficult and uncomfortable position. It's hard to explain, but there have been a few times in my life where such a question has left me feeling profoundly upset, precisely because of the unfair position I felt like I was in.

I'll share an example that still brings me to tears (even as I type this out), even almost 14 years later. When my Mom was in hospice, someone asked if they could visit her... during her final hours. My Mom and I were incredibly close, and I knew she would only want one person by her side during that intimate time: me; the love of her life (she would always exclaim). She wouldn't have wanted a crowd; or people gawking at her, or anything like that; she just wanted me there by her side. Further, this person was someone my Mom didn't really like.

So, through my own grief and tears, I gently said no. But then, they asked again. Having to reiterate "no" while my Mom was dying and all I wanted was to be fully present with her was excruciating. It was an unimaginable burden to be forced into that conflict during such a raw, suffering time.

I was very upset that someone would place me in such a position when I was already so vulnerable. Their focus seemed to be solely on their own desire to "be there," without considering the immense emotional cost to me, or my Mom's wishes. This person had barely been present in my Mom's life for the past two years, only showing up once when she was very sick, and then suddenly wanting to be there at the very end just didn't align with what I knew my Mom wanted. As someone who naturally tries to please others, it's already incredibly difficult for me to say no or risk hurting feelings. To do so while enduring such profound personal suffering felt almost unbearable.

This experience highlights the invisible weight certain questions can carry. It serves as a powerful reminder to consider the impact of our inquiries on others, especially when they may be navigating difficult circumstances. Even now, facing a personal medical procedure that requires assistance, I find myself hesitant to ask for help, fearing I'll inconvenience someone or put them in an awkward position where they feel obligated rather than genuinely wanting to help.

Betsy's Impact

I am tearing up as I write this.

I wrote about my Mom's high school friend, Betsy, who found me online almost exactly two years ago, while she was searching for my Mom.

Betsy was the type of woman who would reach out to me almost after every post I made on this blog. She would also send me encouraging words, thoughtful bits, and say how proud she is of me, or that "Your Mom would be so proud of you."

I posted in late November this post:  "Letter for My Mom, 2009"

I included a ton of photos for Betsy and my Mom's other high school friends (she would forward my blog posts to them). I am including more photos in many of my blog posts now because of the feedback I received from them about enjoying the photos.  In August I wrote about them (see their recent Sunday picnic gathering photo here).

After I posted the Letter for My Mom with so many of the photos of her, I wondered when I would hear from Betsy!  I was excited, in fact. She normally would ask me questions about certain photos of my Mom, or provide thoughtful comments about what I wrote about.

A month goes by. Nothing.

I was posting more than usual in November, and wondered - am I posting more for Betsy?

But then, still no word from her.

I started to worry, so a couple of weeks later I looked around on social media to see if I could find out anything.  I found a niece who posted about surgery for her Aunt Betsy, yes, my Mom's high school friend.

No other details.

In early January, still concerned, I scoured my inbox to see if there was contact info in any of Betsy's emails.

I found a forwarded email from Emae, another high school friend that was conversing with Betsy about one of my blog posts.

I emailed Emae and she emailed me right back. Betsy had been dizzy in mid November, several falls by late November, and by end of Nov tests revealed large amount of cancer on her brain stem, top of brain & Left lung.

In early December, s large mass removed from brain stem, then followed up with radiation.

Emae had been seeing and taking her to appts.  She shared my messages to Betsy.

On Friday, Betsy was finally home from the Rehab center!  Emae was to take her to an appt on Monday.

An email Saturday afternoon from Emae shared sad news: "Betsy's daughter-in-law found Betsy this morning, at home in bed, deceased."

I started to cry.

I am still devastated.

I keep getting teared up off and on every day since I heard the news.

Betsy was my only connection to my Mom and she was SO kind to.  She would send me emails about the blog topics, and then share what was going on in her world.

It makes me wonder - am I writing for other people?  The inception of this blog was just to share things on my mind, and not ever was I even thinking about who was reading it or not.  I don't even know who or how many reads these.  I believe it's just a handful, honestly.

But, when certain people gave me feedback, I realized that I wanted to blog more - yes, sometimes just for them.  I wrote a lot just for my recent ex (MM).  And then I was doing it for Betsy.

I think I have an issue.

However, Betsy was a different connection. She was my Mom's high school friend.  She CARED about my Mom. She mentioned her a lot, whether to ask questions about photos of her or to share what her classmates were doing.

I do not understand why I'm so emotional of her passing.

I guess because I became friends with someone who not only knew my Mom, but wanted to talk about her. I loved when she mentioned my Mom, or provided compliments, like maybe the way my Mom thought about me.

I'm upset, and it confuses me.

I will still blog, but it wont be the same at all to not hear from her anymore after I post.  She was my friend. She cared about me. She cared about my Mom.

Here is am example of what I am referring to. From one of our first exchanges, it shows how beautiful Betsy's heart was, and exactly why I will miss her:

Did you ever return to Gloversville with her [my Mom]?  We have something we are proud of this year with the official gloves for the US Olympic team having been made in Gloversville!

The leather industry is almost dead here, but at one time things were a lot different.   

This is an interesting story about the company and the industry behind the beautiful gloves that the 2018 U.S. Olympic Team members have.

https://dailygazette.com/article/2018/02/15/sunderland-leather-a-survivor-in-a-vanished-industry 

I am going to share your news and everyone will be very happy to hear that Toni had a beautiful daughter she loved very much.  You may even hear from a few because a few of us are computer literate while many want nothing to do with it!  I searched your name after I found Toni had a survivor.   You are with the National Weather Service?  You have done well, Melinda.   We are proud of you, too. 

A very happy Birthday to you Melinda.  Your mother is your Guardian Angel and she is always with you...

photo of the official gloves for the US Olympic team

photo of my Mom during high school