Example for Kids

One of my friends shared with me something so powerful about being a parent, that I think of it quite often.  I had never heard of this before, even tho it now seems so obvious, yet I don't think many parents think this way (or maybe they do, and I just don't know it?).

I strongly feel if all parents lived this way / felt this way / did this, that kids would grow up "better" and have better relationships in their lives.

We all realize that the way we grow up affects us as adults.  I'm starting to see that a lot more lately, so these words he spoke last year have been in my mind even more.

My friend has a daughter and a son.

What my friend told me was basically, he treats his wife in such a way that he wants his son to "see" and understand how he should treat a woman.  And he wants his daughter to "see" and understand how a woman should be treated by a man.

I truly believe the world would be a different place if all parents felt this way and acted this way.

I don't think this crossed the mind of my parents.  Or many of my friends' parents.

Maybe I'm naive and a lot of parents already think this way, but I think it's a truly beautiful concept.  Why aren't we all talking about it??

I imagine he hardly ever raises his voice at his wife in front of the kids, shows affection to her, and SHOWS his kids he loves his wife with daily things like communicating well, doing things together, holding hands, etc.

My Dad told me once how he used to witness his Dad in the kitchen hugging his Mom from behind so lovingly.  I think that's why he was so affectionate towards my Mom and I  and then his new wife - because he saw all that as a child.

Profound way of thinking to be a great example and helpful for the future of your children imo.

Grapevine Lake Trails

I finally was able to visit the hiking trails in Grapevine, Texas along Grapevine Lake.

I did this deliberately on Mother's Day, so I would be distracted (didn't work).  But it was a gorgeous day and I was VERY thankful.

Strange Squirrel Behavior - from my Dad

I'm still in a de-cluttering phase and am currently going through some old emails in my inbox.

That's a lot of memories I'm running across... kinda brutal lol.

But here's a cool one.  My Dad (StepDad) would email a couple of times a week, usually to provide updates and little stories about the pets and my Mom from San Antonio.

This one was a good gem:

Yesterday, Sunday, I was enjoying the fine weather we had been having. I was in my power chair retrieving the mail. As I started to turn towards the mailbox I noticed I was being observed by a rather large squirrel across the street. As I slowly made my way towards my mail box this intense creature was following me. I became concerned for my safety. The chirping and chattering became deafening, the bandit came bouncing into the street scarring the daylights out of me, I was barely able to grab my mail and retreat into the back yard with this mad hatter chasing me. When I closed the first gate he ran back across the street into his own territory.  I need to get me a stun gun to defend myself from this dastardly villain. I guess Mom will have to go get the mail from now on. I barely escaped with my life.

:)

CareTaking Too Much.... and What About Myself?

As I promised, here are my thoughts about something from my childhood affecting me as an adult... just ONE of the things I'm reflecting about.

This is in reference to the blog post I wrote about in regard to Iyanla's tv show and the self evaluation / self reflecting going on within me (not all bad because I can learn from it, but yes some shock and awe to the awareness and new realizations lol).

One thing I believe I see from my childhood that has at times been somewhat of a hindrance and has had an affect on me is, I am a big caretaker.

That may sound like a good thing.  But I can tell you at times it is not.

Further, it shockingly now makes sense why I crave being taken care of or shown appreciation. Because I've been the caretaker for most of my life.

When someone does even the slightest thoughtful thing for me or think of me on tough days, I crater into tears with happy emotions.  You thought of me?  OMGosh!  I can also understand now why when an ex bf made eggs and bacon while I got ready for work, meant the world to me.  Why when I went to my Dad's house in Virginia and his wife cut me an apple to eat, how much that meant to me.  It felt like love.  It felt so nice being cared for.  To be thought of.  I can't even put into words how warm and loved I felt.

It sounds silly to think that a cut up apple would make me feel love, but when you have to do that for everyone and yourself, it makes that act that much sweeter.

Even when people help me with things like help running a tour, or fixing something in my house, or a neighbor helping me take things down from the attic, it comes with sincere thankfulness.  And even the little things - when a friend recognizes to grab an empty bag to put trash in it (instead of me doing it first), really just means the world to me.  It feels I'm being taken care of and thought of, which I haven't seen a lot in life - only given.

I don't mind taking care of myself, but I notice when others help me, I get very emotional because it's so few and far between.  And I admit I really do love being taken care of because it's so rare.

Of course, I also get a tinge of huge disappointment when I'm not thought of on tough days. Reminds me how alone I really am and can't count of anyone but myself and God (those are two pretty powerful people, but can you imagine if I had even a smidgen of thoughtfulness being shown to me from the people I care about or yearn to hear from?).

I do so much for others all the time, and while I am not complaining and I enjoy it most of the time, I do admit it gets tough to do all the time.  And now that I'm alone, I'm still the caretaker - for myself.

A friend of mine has claimed steadfastly, "I am a caretaker" - makes me wonder if she is proud of that, just has acceptance of who she is, and/or if she has the same feelings I do when someone does sweet things for me unexpected?  (I will ask her)

I don't mind being helpful of others or myself - I love surprising people and doing things for others, and doing things for myself.  But, I can for sure say that at times I have done TOO much for others, also.

I recognize I have taken care of my ex's way TOO much.  After one 3-year break up, I asked the guy, "did I pay for too many things and made you feel less of a man?"  The answer was of course yes.  Even if he really liked me paying for things because he didn't have the money to have the fun we were having, in the long run, I got into debt and he ended up not feeling manly.  (side note:  I must add that this ex hardly EVER did anything for me.  Definitely never took care of me at all - no gifts in 3 years, never helped around the house, etc.  But it was ME that stayed with him anyway.  I was definitely not an aware person back then.)

Even in high school, I bought so many gifts for a female friend, my parents sat me down at the kitchen table for a talk to ask me if I was having a sexual relationship with her.  What?  No.  I was just super caring and I had more allowance than her and she was very poor.

So, you can see it started way early.

But, it's not just with money, it's with doing things for others.  I surprise people with gifts they mention in passing, or send cards (yes, people still send cards), and I recently was there for a friend who went through a really tough surgery.  I was there every day before and after work checking in on him in the hospital.  While he called me his Guardian Angel, I can tell you I cried every single time I would walk in to the hospital because it reminded me of my Mom and Dad.

And when I take care of people, I don't think to take care of myself.  I'm the last person I think of.  So, taking care of my Mom for 5 years, I was on the back burner and doing self destructive things.

However, I must say I would NEVER take away taking care of my Mom or helping my friend.  I loved doing it, even if it was hard.  My Mom raised me, least I could do was take care of her when she couldn't in her last years of her tough life.  It was actually an honor and a true blessing.  I wouldn't change it for the world.

When my Mom was in the hospital the very first time (and over 4 hours away from where I lived), I would visit and take care of her and my Dad for a week or so at a time.  I would be on the night shift in the hospital with Mom, then go home and fix doors, pay bills, file their taxes, go to the grocery store, and clean their house.  Then go back to the hospital, after helping my Dad who was in a wheelchair get to go see my Mom.

These things don't sound so bad, huh?  Well, while the work ethic was instilled in me and the caring of others was instilled in me, I also used to go overboard.  Further, because I help so many others, I don't know what it feels like to receive care often.  So when it does happen, I tend to break down being thought of or cared for.

So, let's get back to the childhood.  I don't think I was ever taken care of.  I mean, I was raised by my parents, but I also took care of them.  When my Mom was drunk, I would take care of her.  When my Dad beat my Mom, I took care of her.  My Mom showed love by buying things for me, but as an only child, it made sense.  We didn't have a lot of money and I didn't want any fancy clothes (luckily), but my Mom showered me with love and affection and bought me things.

But also being an only child comes with most all of the responsibilities.  I'm very happy and pleased that I'm self sufficient because of the way I was raised and what I was taught by helping my parents around the house or yard instead of playing with the neighborhood kids on Saturday mornings.  But I also don't recall being taken care of.  I mean, I had to have been, right?  But the divorce (I was 7 years old) took a lot out of my Mom and eventually she got amnesia and I had to go get a neighbor telling her, "something is wrong with my Mom, she doesn't remember anything."  Turns out the stress of the divorce and deep heartbreak had a very weird affect on my Mom's mental status.  After a stint in a depression ward, she came out with crafts she had made for me and she was Mom again.

When she started to date, I was kinda left alone.  When she met my StepDad, they had their years of drunkenness together and I took care of them and myself when they could not for themselves.

All the times my Dad kept me up literally all night talking to me, my only saving grace was my Mom waking up at 5am and I could run to her to "save" me from his berating me for hours over God knows what slight infraction I had done.  Her walking to the kitchen for coffee gave me my "out" to finally be able to leave the living room because she would mention I had school that day.

After my Dad stopped drinking and smoking pot, he was still mentally unstable.  My Mom and I shivered together, but we survived it.  My Mom didn't stop drinking til I was in college - that's a lot teen years taking care of my Mom, while also dealing with my Dad yelling at me for something lol.

I also was left by my real Dad.  Well, my Mom and I both were.  I wasn't able to ask him until I was 35 years old (we didn't have contact for 20 years) why he left us.  To hear the difference in the stories from his mouth, his wife's mouth, and what my Mom said was so different, it was confusing to me. But, bottom line is he left us.  As a child, that doesn't make sense.  I didn't ride my bike or climb a tree in my teens wondering about why he left us, but I'm sure it has to affect me as an adult on some level.  And my Mom sure thought about it and cried about it for years and years (even after she was remarried).  I took care of her then, as well.  Not really doing anything magical, but just being with her, being by her side, being the one person in the world she loved more than anything. 

I want to state that no matter the childhood I had, I have turned into a woman I love.  I do not forsake my childhood AT ALL.  I've written before how I have no ill-feelings about the way I was raised or how I was raised.  I loved my childhood, really.  I also LOVE my parents (all of them!).  I don't even think of the tough times (did I even have tough times?).  To me it was just life.  And when I reflect back, it's usually of the good memories.  So, I'm not sitting around upset about my childhood at all; I really did have a great childhood!  I've just been reflecting on it lately and wondering if some of the things I went through has affected me as an adult.  Iyanla helping others (and us luckily getting to watch and learn through the tv cameras), has been a great thing for me, and I now see why I am a caretaker.  And also why I crave being taken care of.

SO.

What am I going to do with this knowledge??

Great question.

Besides stop doing the obvious - doing TOO much for others - I am going to consciously try and do things for myself in a caring way.  In other words, sometimes I would get a foot massage because I wanted one that day.  Now, I'm looking at it more like, "take care of yourself - go get a foot massage."

I also need to remember myself because I am still helping others with situations or things (i.e. being a somewhat of a caretaker on some level for many).

I'm really just going to work on having a different perspective on doing things for myself, caring for myself.  Trying to look at it as, taking care of me.  Living alone and not having family or friends close, and learning that I can't depend on anyone, this is what I need to do because there is no one else around to provide this care.  Or is there?  YES!  Me.  :)

It's not to say I wasn't doing things for myself - I was.  But I am hopeful that changing my perspective and recognizing that being cared for is something sought after in me, and so this new perspective to do things for myself, specifically to take care of myself, is the KEY.   Does that make sense lol?  It does to me .  :)

Usefulness and Purpose

I've been struggling a lot again lately with purpose.

I don't even know why I'm even thinking so much about purpose.  Is it because I'm getting older? I didn't think about it in my twenties, not even in my thirties.  But for some reason it's almost on my mind daily in my forties.

It hit me after my Mom passed away.  Because after taking care of her for five years, I felt like I didn't really have a purpose after that.  If I didn't take care of my Mom for all those years, would I even be aware and struggling with this purpose thing?

After I started running the Omega Billiards Tour, I felt like I had purpose again.  Yay me!  But the purpose in life happy feeling slowly dwindled away for some reason.

After taking care of friend of mine (Dave) with mental and emotional support (still helping him), everyone told me that was purpose.  But what about when it ends?  For whatever reason I feel like I don't have a purpose in life.  And if you have purpose, that leads to have happiness, right?  It means you are making a difference in life, not just living a life.

It's actually been on my mind so much that it's pretty much been depressing me for quite some time. Paralyzing any sense of happiness.

I decided to finally look up on the all-knowing internet about purpose and happiness just to see what I would find. And fortunately for me one of the first few links I looked at was this link right here!

https://medium.com/art-of-practicality/the-purpose-of-life-is-not-happiness-its-usefulness-65064d0cdd59

After I read it, I was immediately overcome with calmness and happiness!

I honestly haven't been depressed since I read it about two weeks ago.  :)

It basically says that all the little things you do in life, add up.  And all those useful things add up, which leads to happiness and purpose.

And the examples he gave of being useful were very helpful things, but some also very small things. But if you think about putting all those things you do that are useful in one basket - it would be overflowing the top!

I also read somewhere else that if you make your purpose to cherish everyone you come across, then that brings you happiness which in turn brings you inner peace which in turn is a huge purpose, right?  Wishing for others to be happy all the time, how awesome is that?

So combine these two things I definitely feel much happier about not just living, but how I am living and what I'm doing in my life.

I also need to really, really remember that my job has a specific purpose to others. My job is basically customer service to people throughout the company across the entire country, but also what I do impacts the public directly (I work for the National Weather Service).  So I need to stop being so worrisome and confused about finding this magic purpose in my life when in reality I actually have a huge purpose right in front of me, here in my job (which takes up most of the time in my life, right?).

I'm so thankful that I've come to these realizations because I was being consumed with what my purpose in life is, which was leading to unhappiness (oh the irony).

So my purpose in life is to be useful; to be helpful; to be a great employee which in turn helps a lot of people.  It doesn't need to be ONE specific, huge, amazing purpose - but a whole basket of useful items!

All the useful things I do really DO add up.  Board member of the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care, my job/career, city counsel meetings, certified mediator, coaching people in pool, and helping pool players improve through my pool blog, radio program, and online magazine.  And those are the big things - my basket runneth over even with all the little things I do daily that people don't see.

I need to STOP being so hard on myself.

I'm so much happier, I can't even describe it!   I'm just so very thankful I have came across Darius' article about usefulness and came to these realizations because I was struggling so deeply that it was almost paralyzing to even be happy everyday.

I knew I had a blessed, beautiful life.

Now I'm happy in it, reminding myself I don't need one big purpose and that I'm being useful with countless, untold different acts of kindness I do.  :)

Iyanla is Fixing my Life.

I watch with tears every Saturday night Iyanla, Fix my Life.

Iyanla provides advice to people in tough, mostly unhappy situations.  Whether it be husband and wife, siblings, or parents and their adult kids... any relationship, really, is up for the task for Iyanla to help.

The theme I am seeing is: what happens to us as a child, we bring into our relationships as adults. Until we understand this, we may have a ton of dysfunction and eventual unhappiness and broken relationships.

Let me be clear - in many broken relationships, the people are still together.   So, living with unhappiness.

Iyanla brings out of people things that they may have gone through as a child (abandonment, molestation, being the parent when one is a child, parents not caring for their kids emotionally or physically, neglect, jealousy, fear, etc).  She brings to light that the reason for the problems in relationships stems directly to those "things" that happen to us (or don't happen to us, like nurturing) in our childhood.  And we don't really see that those things from our childhood affect us as adults (and in our relationships with others - loved ones, kids, parents, sisters, whoever).

So, of course it made me reflect on my childhood.

Not because I'm in a bad relationship, but the show makes one reflect so much and so deeply about how we were raised (or not raised).  And it makes yourself wonder, if how I was raised has affected my relationships?  The answer is, of course, yes.

I watch with fascination and really listen to what Iyanla is teaching the people on her show.   It's not pointing out your flaws - it's why we are who we are and what we can do about the new found knowledge!

While I could pick on several things, I'm just going to mention a few big ones I have realized all due to watching the episodes and how Iylana helps the distressed people on the show.

• I now understand why it's been tough for me to forgive:  because I never saw my Mom forgive anyone.  Especially when I was young I saw this.  She didn't speak to one neighbor for over 25 years! 
• Of course the obvious one is alcoholism.  But it's the affects of seeing my parents drink is what is a new revelation for me.
• Another is verbal abuse.  I've written about this before.
• Also, why sex had a skewered meaning for me.  
• Being a caretaker for so long for so many people, has affected me in a profound, sometimes bad way with intriguing ramifications.  I will write about this soon.

Of course, there are good things I learned, too, from my childhood:  being self sufficient, caring, good work ethics, etc.

But it's the those few things above that I have deeply reflected about on my couch on Saturday nights as I cry, and rub my face, trying to figure out all these things that make me the messed up person I see sometimes today.

Don't get me wrong - I admit I have turned into a great, successful woman.  And I am grateful to be a work in progress.  I still have a ton to learn about life, in life, of life, and for that I am very happy and thankful about!

I will write in detail about some of the above later; go into depth about some of them and why I am torn, confused, yet enlightened.

Maybe by the time I push "publish," I will have even more revelations of my childhood that will help me be a better me today!

This isn't a BAD thing - figuring out why we do some things because of how we were raised provides great understanding for ourselves.  Then we can work on making ourselves different.  Make different or better choices in life.  Maybe even a better me!

Forgiveness - an Amazing Example

I was watching the news in complete awe and amazement a few weeks ago when the family of Robert Godwin Sr. (whose murder was posted in a Facebook video) expressed forgiveness to the man who killed their father!  The murder of their father had literally only been days before, yet they had already forgave the killer (who was still on the run).  I was shocked!

The live interview was truly astonishing and remarkable.  I was so moved by their strong conviction of forgiveness, their faith in God, and expressing very deeply they learned about forgiveness from the very man who had died.

The whole world can learn so much from this interview.

Debbie Godwin and Tonya Godwin Baines, the man’s daughters, were interviewed by Anderson Cooper on CNN.

“I wasn’t going to ask you,” Cooper said, “but since you brought this person up, but I’m not going to use this person’s name in front of you, but if this person is out there listening, what do you want them to know? Obviously, you want them to turn themselves in, but what do you want to say to them?”

“I would say turn yourself in, that would be number one,” Debbie Godwin responded, “I mean because although I do believe in forgiveness, I do believe in the law, meaning, when you break the law, there’s a penalty for breaking the law. And this man broke the law by taking my father’s life.”

“And so although I forgive him,” she explained, “there is still a penalty that he must pay for what he did to my dad. And so I would want him to turn himself in. And you know what, I believe that God would give me the grace to even embrace this man. And hug him.

“Without anything, I truly do,” she continued. “It’s just the way my heart is, it’s the right thing to do. And so, I just would want him to know that even in his worst state, he’s loved, you know, by God, that God loves him, even in the bad stuff that he did to my dad. That he’s still loved. And that he has some worth while, even though he’s gonna have to go through many things to get better, there’s worth in him.”

“And as long as there’s life in him, there is hope for him too,” Godwin concluded. “I do believe that.”


In the latter part of the interview, Cooper seems affected by their words of forgiveness.

“The thing that I would take away the most from my father is he taught us about God,” Tonya Godwin Baines said. “How to fear God. How to love God. And how to forgive. Each one of us forgives the killer. The murderer.”

“You do?” Cooper asked.

“We want to wrap our arms around him,” she said.

“We absolutely do,” Debbie Godwin explained. “I honestly can say right now that I hold no animosity in my heart against this man. Because I know that he’s a sick individual. I know that because of his sickness, whatever evil overtook him that caused him to do this to my dad, it’s not him. It wouldn’t be something he would typically do, and I promise you, I could not do that, if I did not know God.

“If I didn’t know Him as my God and my savior, I could not forgive that man. And I feel no animosity against him at all. Actually, I feel sadness for him. I do.”

“We’ve lost our dad, but this mother lost her son,” Tonya added. “Lost her children. His children lost her dad.”

“That’s incredible, Tonya,” Cooper said, “that you think about that even in your time of grief, that you’re thinking about them.”

“It’s just what our parents taught,” Godwin Baines said. “It’s not just that they taught us, they did it. They lived it.”

“My dad would be really proud of us, and he would want this from us, and he would say, ‘Tonya, forgive him, because they know not what they do,'” she added, referring to a verse from Scripture.

Cooper told them, “Tonya, you talked about how your friends growing up said they wished they were Godwins. I think a lot of people watching tonight, and I know I certainly speak for myself, I wish I was a Godwin right now, because you all represent your Dad very well.”

“Thank you so much, I wish peace and strength in the days ahead,” he said.

Debbie Godwin posted this picture of her father: