How Would that Benefit Me?

I mentioned last month something I learned from a therapist.

I have shared a few things from watching a therapist on a tv show, too. I just love when hearing a sentence really resonates with me, surprises me, or helps me.

And I'm going to share another one today.

A friend of mine goes to a masseuse regularly and she confided she kind of gets a therapy session while she's there because her masseuse gives great advice.

I completely agree with her advice for my friend about how to deal with people you don't get along with, especially after this story that I'm about to share with you.

My friend struggled a lot with a co-worker that she did not get along with. The co-worker took a lot of things wrong, assumed the worst, and they didn't really get along.

The co-worker recently left the company after about 20+ years there. My friend felt some relief that she was gone, even though deep down inside she felt a little guilty about having those feelings.

She told her therapist a couple of weeks later, err, I mean told her masseuse, that she felt like reaching out to this girl to see how she was doing.

And her masseuse replied (omg check this out!), "How will that benefit you?"

I immediately reacted with shock and fascination with her question. I thought it was quite beautiful and extremely smart. My friend agreed.

After a long pause from my friend, the masseuse then asked, "And how are you going to feel if she doesn't respond to your text? What if she doesn't reply to you?"

Which I also thought was a great question!  But it was the first question that was pretty profound for me.

So, what did my friend do?  Although she really did want to reach out to her and see how she was doing, those great questions made her realize that it was probably best to leave the ex-coworker alone. The co-worker didn't like her much nor get along with her, so she may not have even replied, which would have hurt my friend.

I think she made the right decision.

Let's go back to he question. Think about something that you might want to do that you are already wondering if you should or not because the person you are dealing with has been rude to you or is mean to you. Then ask yourself, "How would that benefit me?"

I think that question will help a lot of us!

Valuable Quotes About Death

I have run across a few quotes recently that were so impactful to me, I am excited to share them.

I am hopeful these will help others as they deal with the death of loved ones.

I was watching a tv show called "The Therapist" on the Vice channel. It has a therapist on the show (Dr. Siri Sat Nam Singh) and he talks to famous musicians who are in need of help. We get to listen in as he gives them advice; we learn and get help in return, too.

Two things Dr. Singh said on one episode really hit home:

He said it's normal to sometimes not want to stop grieving; it feels like a disservice to let them go.

WOW! How powerful and so true! I think that's one of the main reasons I grieved for so long for my Mom - I felt like that indicated I didn't miss her anymore. But he said it better, "It feels like a disservice to let them go."

And just a few breaths later he shared this about his own Mom, "But I feel my Mother is still serving me."

OMG, that is so wonderful! I don't pine over the loss of my Mom anymore, but this is still a powerful statement and reminder. It seems obvious now as I type it out, but to hear his words was so much more powerful and makes great sense.

The other was a comment I heard as shared to me from a friend of a Mother who's daughter passed away in her late teens from brain cancer. The Mom said, "My daughter felt that she accomplished what she came here to accomplish , and it was time to go back home."

How amazing for such a young person to have this insight, thought, and heart. I was shocked. Amazed. Still am as I type this. Who thinks this way? Very admirable.

Helpful Grief Class

Went to a Grief Class last night, second in four weeks. This series of classes was only 4 nights, and last night was the final one. Several of us expressed we wish there were more nights! 

I fully admit I should have gone to Grief Classes or sought help after the loss of my Mom and also after both my Dads. It would have helped my heart, mind, and soul. At least I figured out after Dave passed I needed to get help because his loss was tough on me, so all is not lost. 

This is also my way of suggesting to seek help to those that have lost a loved one, without telling you to actually do it. I didn't listen to this advice before, either, so I actually completely understand if you ignore me.  

This Grief Class has been so amazingly helpful. If I think about it, it's actually been a safe sanctuary. It's been a blessing and comfort I can speak what is in my heart and what is hurting, and yet no one in the room judges me or tries to change my mind about what I was feeling. 

We are all going through the same thing and can relate so deeply to what we each share. It's been a comfort to be accepted for who I am, what I am going through, and what I feel...instead of people trying to convince me I should think or feel different.

P.S. If you go to a Grief Class, I applaud your bravery! Second, if you don't like it, please try another class. There really are some very beautiful ones out there that are more helpful than others.

Just in Time Versus Just in Case

I found myself less interested in Dr. Oz's magazines for some reason lately but I like to read helpful articles, so I went to my stash of Oprah Winfrey magazines I hadn't yet touched, and just, well, grabbed one out the fifty or so on the shelf.

(Oh the funny irony of finding this article among hoarding these magazines lol)

One of the first articles I read in that magazine from 2004 had to do with this:

There are two ways of going through life: Gather everything in sight, just in case you need it. Or, trust that you'll find exactly what you need, just in time. Guess which one lets you really stop and smell the roses?

I wasn't that intrigued by the preface, but as I read along, it turns out Martha Beck learned a lot from Toyota.

Just after the first paragraph....

"Shortly after World War II, executives at Japan's Toyota Motor Company made a decision from which, I believe, we all can benefit. They decided to make cars the way they'd make, say, sushi. Unlike most manufacturers, which bought and stored massive stockpiles of supplies, Toyota began ordering just enough parts to keep their lines moving, just when those parts were needed. This made them spectacularly productive, and turned the phrase "just in time" into business legend."

...I was intrigued and couldn't wait to read more.

And I'm glad I didn't stop!

Just in Time versus Just in Case can be applied to businesses, home life, eating, love life (or like life), money, etc.

About so many aspects of our lives!

And, just in time personally for me.

I got a lot out of it.  Hope others will, also.

Read the entire article here: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/martha-becks-strategy-to-lower-stress-and-improve-your-life

Treatment

Even if it feels like it....

Usefulness and Purpose

I've been struggling a lot again lately with purpose.

I don't even know why I'm even thinking so much about purpose.  Is it because I'm getting older? I didn't think about it in my twenties, not even in my thirties.  But for some reason it's almost on my mind daily in my forties.

It hit me after my Mom passed away.  Because after taking care of her for five years, I felt like I didn't really have a purpose after that.  If I didn't take care of my Mom for all those years, would I even be aware and struggling with this purpose thing?

After I started running the Omega Billiards Tour, I felt like I had purpose again.  Yay me!  But the purpose in life happy feeling slowly dwindled away for some reason.

After taking care of friend of mine (Dave) with mental and emotional support (still helping him), everyone told me that was purpose.  But what about when it ends?  For whatever reason I feel like I don't have a purpose in life.  And if you have purpose, that leads to have happiness, right?  It means you are making a difference in life, not just living a life.

It's actually been on my mind so much that it's pretty much been depressing me for quite some time. Paralyzing any sense of happiness.

I decided to finally look up on the all-knowing internet about purpose and happiness just to see what I would find. And fortunately for me one of the first few links I looked at was this link right here!

https://medium.com/art-of-practicality/the-purpose-of-life-is-not-happiness-its-usefulness-65064d0cdd59

After I read it, I was immediately overcome with calmness and happiness!

I honestly haven't been depressed since I read it about two weeks ago.  :)

It basically says that all the little things you do in life, add up.  And all those useful things add up, which leads to happiness and purpose.

And the examples he gave of being useful were very helpful things, but some also very small things. But if you think about putting all those things you do that are useful in one basket - it would be overflowing the top!

I also read somewhere else that if you make your purpose to cherish everyone you come across, then that brings you happiness which in turn brings you inner peace which in turn is a huge purpose, right?  Wishing for others to be happy all the time, how awesome is that?

So combine these two things I definitely feel much happier about not just living, but how I am living and what I'm doing in my life.

I also need to really, really remember that my job has a specific purpose to others. My job is basically customer service to people throughout the company across the entire country, but also what I do impacts the public directly (I work for the National Weather Service).  So I need to stop being so worrisome and confused about finding this magic purpose in my life when in reality I actually have a huge purpose right in front of me, here in my job (which takes up most of the time in my life, right?).

I'm so thankful that I've come to these realizations because I was being consumed with what my purpose in life is, which was leading to unhappiness (oh the irony).

So my purpose in life is to be useful; to be helpful; to be a great employee which in turn helps a lot of people.  It doesn't need to be ONE specific, huge, amazing purpose - but a whole basket of useful items!

All the useful things I do really DO add up.  Board member of the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care, my job/career, city counsel meetings, certified mediator, coaching people in pool, and helping pool players improve through my pool blog, radio program, and online magazine.  And those are the big things - my basket runneth over even with all the little things I do daily that people don't see.

I need to STOP being so hard on myself.

I'm so much happier, I can't even describe it!   I'm just so very thankful I have came across Darius' article about usefulness and came to these realizations because I was struggling so deeply that it was almost paralyzing to even be happy everyday.

I knew I had a blessed, beautiful life.

Now I'm happy in it, reminding myself I don't need one big purpose and that I'm being useful with countless, untold different acts of kindness I do.  :)

PIN

I've been struggling with my "purpose."

Thinking, I guess, if I had purpose it would help my depression.

No matter all I have going on, still not very happy and kinda depressed.  Getting a little better, but still a lot going on.

The other day I watched the 2rd of 4 episodes of Iyanla's House of Healing 4-part series.  I was able to watch the first, 3rd and 4th and throughout each I was bawling my eyes out.  It plays on Saturday nights, pretty pathetic to be home bawling on my coach on Saturday nights lol.

But, I admit it was just too emotional and heart-wrenching and close-to-home not to react like that.

The 4th and final episode Iyanla told the ladies of the House of Healing (8 ladies who needed help with some enlightenment and dire counseling and self-reflection), about "PIN."

Here is what she said:

Just like a personal identification number gives you access to your bank account, Iyanla says that the women in her House of Healing need a "PIN" to help them access the healthiest version of their lives once they return home. This particular "PIN" is an acronym meant to help each woman remember what they've learned in their work with Iyanla and to help keep them on the right track outside the House of Healing.

P: Purpose
"I don't mean your life purpose," Iyanla says. "I mean moment by moment by moment, what is the purpose of what you're doing? What is the purpose of what you're saying? Any time you open your mouth, you better be clear about your purpose."

I: Integrity
"[Check] that what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're saying and what you're doing are all in alignment," Iyanla says.

N: Nobility
"Good character, how you hold yourself within yourself, will determine the experience and circumstances of your life," Iyanla says.

While every single digit of the PIN is important and the P, I and N all hit home with me, the "Purpose" one was like a huge realization and something I really needed to hear right now.

Instead of trying to figure out why I should be living (purpose), I truly love the idea to remember my purpose for each day.  THAT I can do!  I can do that easily and actually makes me excited!

Re-enforces the saying, "One day at a time," huh?

Addiction Points to Share

This very short article on Elizabeth Vargas is very spot on. 

For those of us with addiction issues, we understand completely and can relate to what she is saying so candidly and openly.

For her to say, "I couldn't stop drinking for my children" is something I hope spouses and loved ones really, really take in to their already hurt heart.

Many people don't understand why their spouse, parent, or adult child still drinks or does drugs even though they have people around them who love them.  It can tear families apart.

But, it's true. 

And unfortunately that's the power of addiction. 

An addict isn't thinking of their kids or spouse as they drink or shoot up.  Why?  Because the drug is more powerful.  Doesn't mean they don't love you.  Just explains how deep addiction is.  It's a disease.

And if you aren't an addict yourself, this is completely confusing and you don't understand.

Elizabeth Vargas is sharing the true nature of the grip addiction can have. 

Just that short article is very powerful in what she shares.  Such as,

• "Addiction is a hopeless, dark place," she says. "I have great empathy for people trapped there."
• "You're removing the capacity to be present, not just in the bad moments," she said. "You're numbing the good feelings. You're numbing everything. It's profoundly selfish."

Acceptance of Aging

"Acceptance" is probably the biggest thing for me right now in my life.

Why now?

Well, because I'm at that age where things are starting to fall apart.  lol.  And, I cant do anything about it!

Trust me - I've tried. 

I've bought a shit-ton of different types of creams and "magic solutions" to hide my new large pores, pills to make my hair grow, plethora of un-satisified new/magical foundation is spread all over my bathroom counter tops, and dog-eared pages in magazines are scattered across my house for potential solutions to all these newly discovered aging "things."

Instead of being depressed about all these new aging things though, I've decided the better (oooh, smarter!) thing to do to keep me from wallowing is to be in a place to "accept."  It's not a place I want to be honestly, but it's actually a very good spot to be for my mind.... almost spiritually.

As is always a good reminder -

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

So, what are some of these age-denying/defying things I am trying to accept?  Well, let's see:

• Accepted my metabolism has slowed down to a crawl  (and yet I hear it eventually will stop - more fun times ahead lol.  not).
• Accepted my pores had widened to the size of the Mississippi River all of a sudden  (I swear there weren't there on my nose before).
• Accepted my face gets shiny by the end of the day  (never did that before - why am I so shiny now?).
• Accepted mood swings are in full force (sucks to go from happy to sad for no reason.  Thank you pre-menopause).
• Accepted I prolly wont ever get a full night of sleep ever again (who needs sleep - oh wait, where's my 8 hours?!)
• Accepted parts of my body sag where they didn't sag before (I've now got handbags in certain areas under my clothes).
• Accepted I may or may not get my period (but always must be prepared just in case).
• Accepted I know now what I look like with jowls ($#%^*(@$#!).
• Accepted it's tougher to get out of bed and that I walk a lot slower when I have to pee in the middle of the night (even though my bladder would prefer I run, my body just isn't as nimble and quick as it used to be).
• Accepted my hair just doesn't seem to grow anymore (I should just stop wasting money on the vitamins that aren't working for that).
• Accepted eyelids droop over my eyeballs (eventually I wont be able to see.  Oh, and my eyelids are no longer the same shape or size on my face).
• Accepted arms wave a lot more now (not quite sure I have fully accepted this but I still wear sleeveless shirts anyway lol waving hello and goodbye to people).

Like my neighbor who is 70 said to me this week, "no matter how many times I walk at the mall with my husband, I can't lose weight anymore."

I remember when I was a 30, a 65-year-old guy was barely eating any food at all for lunch and quipped, "even if I eat a little I still can't lose weight at this age."

My female friends in their 50s and 60s say they cannot get rid of the "weird" tummy that formed on their once-slim bodies, no matter what they do.

They also tell me they could care less if they ever had sex again or not.  Say it isn't so!

I admit I have been sitting at home pretty upset at all these changes that literally occurred over just a few months time period.  That in itself is shocking, honestly:  that's a lot of different changes to take in at once.  But.... I finally figured out the amazing feeling of "acceptance" and have held my jowled, pored face up a little higher since then.

Sure, I can get botox (already do - who doesn't?) and I could exercise more for some of the things I mentioned, but most are things we just have to accept as we age.  And it's a HUGE adjustment.  Get ready!  It's not easy or pretty.  And I have a feeling in my mid 50s I'll be sharing MORE age-related nuances I will be finding out in 10 years.

While it's tough to share these things, I wish I knew I'd be going through them all, so I'm sharing for others.  I knew metabolism would be an issue as we age, but all these face skin changes were a shock for me.

Hope this helps one person as they reach their mid to late 40s as well.

A Therapists Prescription for Better Mental Health

Copy, Paste:

From a link I came across..... A Therapists Prescription for Better Mental Health:

1. Treat yourself with kindness.
2. Say “no” when you need to.
3. Step out of your comfort zone.
4. Don’t compare yourself to others.
5. Embrace your mistakes, they don’t define you.
6. Be truly present.
7. Get outside.
8. Cut yourself some slack.
9. Make rest a priority.
10. Make fun a priority, too.
11. Savor good memories.
12. Make new friends.
13. Laugh often.
14. Create something.
15. Anticipate joy.
16. Appreciate what you have.
17. Learn from your mistakes.
18. Write down your successes.
19. Clear out physical and emotional clutter.
20. Move your body more.
21. Pursue a hobby.
22. Put your phone down and connect with the people you’re with.
23. Confide in trustworthy people.
24. Treat your mental health with the same importance as your physical health.
25. Slow down.
26. Ask for help when you need it.
27. You don’t have to do it all; Prioritize what matters most.

And remember, strive for  progress, not perfection. 

Who You Can Count On

I had been upset for quite awhile last year about how I have no one I can depend on.

Everyone points out I have a lot of great friends who love me, and while that's true, I've also been bit by just enough friends to realize it's difficult to trust anyone at all anymore.

Well, "trust" is a tough word, but what I really, really mean is, "depend on."

And I really don't blame them.  Everyone has their own life to live and can't possibly be there for me when I need help, comfort, or support (whether emotional, physical, to share great news with, reliable, dependable, comforting, whatever type of connection). 

But, I found some major solace late last spring when I realized something that should have been obvious:  I ALWAYS have myself that I can depend on.  And God, too.

Like that new song, /Me Myself and I/ says:

Oh, it's just me, myself and I
....
Cause I got me for life
....

So, it's nice to finally realize that without any relatives alive, no dependable friends who live close by, and disappointing ex's who claimed they would be there for me, that I now have the most amazing, comforting feeling because I'm very aware that I know I can always count on myself.  I truly am the most dependable person I know for myself!

Sure, I still need rides to certain doc appointments, or help around the house when I can't move a big piece of furniture on my own, or need my neighbor at times to let my dog out, but overall, I truly can depend on myself for a comforting thought, reassuring voice, and to get things done.  I've been through so much in my life and survived (albeit barely sometimes, lol) this far, that I will be okay depending on 'ole reliable:  ME.

Start Living Life (quote)

Saw this quote the other day. 

Love it. 

And what a great reminder for peeps who are going through things, that while it takes time, at some point from grieving, pain, and loss, that it's ok to eventually start living again: 

She was going to stop mourning the life she didn’t have and celebrate the one she did.

Who You Want to Be Around

I expressed to a friend that I was having some difficulties accepting that it's really okay to not want to be around negative people or rude people or stressful people; people that bring me down.

I heard that our tolerance for things (and people) goes down in our 40s.  Boy, I can RELATE!  

I want to be around people that make me smile, bring me peace, and are positive and make me happy.

HOWEVER.  Before he and I had this convo I'm about to share, I would have worded that statement as: I can't tolerate being around people that bring me down.

Do you see the difference?  One is actually more positive.  And explaining who I DO want to be around and how I WANT to feel.

Here is what he said that really helped me view things in a different way:

I've decided I only want to hang with the good people in our industry.

As you get older, you definitely come to realize there are precious few people really worth sharing your time with.  I always tell people, "I've only got so many minutes and so many words left in me. I'm not going to waste either on people I don't really want to be with."

As for the "tolerance" issue… I prefer not to look at it as a lack of tolerance. That's for crusty, grouchy old farts…of which there are many.  I prefer to think of it as finding a certain peace and piece of mind that leads us to finally really understand what and who are important.  At that point, that's all that matters.

I think of intolerant people as being on edge and spring loaded.  I've become the opposite.  Much more relaxed, laid back.  Big difference.

I don't have time, nor do I want to expend the energy, to dislike people.  I just don't allow them space in my life.  I focus on the things and people that make me happy.

Accept Things as They Are Will Help

I really love this quote today:

"In reality most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things as they are – in which case it is patient acceptance, rather than attempting to change externals, that is the solution."

- Geshe Kelsang Gyatso

Today's Thoughts

....captured perfectly.  Can I keep thinking this and not be hurt?

Are You Worried? Eckhart Tolle Quote

Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? The mind projects itself into an imaginary future situation and creates fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. It's a mental phantom.

Ask yourself what "problem" you have right now, not next year, tomorrow, or five minutes from now. What is wrong with this moment? 

 --Eckhart Tolle

How You Word Things Has an Impact, from Zig Ziglar

Walking / Jogging for Health - How You Word Things Has an Impact

By Zig Ziglar

In 1972, I weighed well over 200 pounds and my career was moving ahead very, very slowly.  I decided I needed to do something about my weight and my health but, frankly, I didn’t realize that career and family benefits would also come my way.  I started jogging and eating sensibly, and though it took me about nine months to really get enthusiastic about my lifestyle change, results began to show within the first month.  The weight started dropping, my endurance and energy levels increased and, finally, after over nine months, the enjoyment breakthrough came.

I was in Portland, Oregon, jogging on Portland State University Campus.  It was “high noon” and I had a seminar to conduct later that day.  As I was jogging, it suddenly occurred to me that I was actually enjoying myself.  It was fun.  I was breathing easily and literally enjoying every step of my run.

That day I changed my vocabulary.  For years I’d been telling people with passion in my voice that you had to “pay the price” if you were going to be successful.  Today I tell people, “You don’t pay the price for success—you pay the price for failure.  You enjoy the benefits of success.  You don’t pay the price to build a good marriage; you enjoy the benefits of that good marriage.  You don’t pay the price for good health; you enjoy the benefits of good health.”

It’s amazing what the change in vocabulary can do for the enjoyment of what you do.  When I was in my 70’s my doctor, Dr. Ken Cooper, switched me from jogging to walking, I walked at a very brisk pace and, have maintained my weight and my energy level is unusually high.  My resting heart rate is 48, my cholesterol level is 152, and my blood pressure is 126 over 62.  That’s the reason I am convinced beyond any doubt that you really do enjoy the benefits of taking care of yourself.   Think about it.  Take care of you, and I’ll SEE YOU AT THE TOP!

Quote - Walk and Happiness

"A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world."
        - Paul Dudley White 

Validation

One of my friends and I had a conversation about validation.

I wanted to share it, so I remember it, too.

She said:   "I feel like too often you and I look for validation in other people... and understanding.  The truth is, other people don't put forth the effort we do.  And that comes off disappointing to us."

Well said.

Being Thankful Quote

“It’s so easy for us to focus on the negative things, but usually, the positive in your life outweighs that. And you have to just be thankful for what you have right now.”  -Paula Patton

This is a great quote. 

She is correct - it's difficult to do this type of thinking when you are depressed, because we can't think of anything but sorrow and sadness, but the positives normally do outweigh the negatives.  It's hard to be grateful when you are sad, but if you can look at the positives, you will see that they really do outweigh the negatives.