Walking in Snow

Several weeks ago it snowed on a cool, crisp, Sunday morning. It’s not rare for Dallas / Fort Worth, but it’s not common either to see “the white stuff.”

As the beautiful white snowflakes covered the rooftops on houses around me, and the yard became white, I finally went outside. I took Lily out and she was not excited at all. I guess no yellow snow from her, lol.

I took some photos of Lily running back and skirting quickly back into the house. Then I took a few traditional selfies for Instagram with the white background behind me. I also captured some video of the snow falling - remember, not common in Texas and this born-and-raised-in-San-Antonio-girl hasn’t seen a lot of snow in my life. 

I went back inside and worked around the house on some little projects and cleaning up. A few hours later, I took a break on the couch with a tv show, and checked my usual phone apps. Candy Crush, Toon Blast, Word Feud, and opened up FB just for a bit and then transitioned quickly to Instagram, which is much less dramatic, lol.

I saw numerous photos from my friends of people outside. Some made snowmen, some got pics of their kids in the snow. It dawned on me that I really didn’t take quite advantage of the snow. Most folks prolly spent a couple of hours in the snow with their family members. I didn’t even feel too excited for some reason. I kinda avoided it, in reality. Maybe if it had snowed all day or for a couple of days I would have been more impressed. But, I simply took my photos to capture on Instagram and then went back inside. I actually forgot it was snowing as the day went on.

Fast forward a week and I had a call with my financial advisor.  She had asked how I was doing and the usual intro pleasantries, and then she asked me about the snow day.

I told her it was pretty, but didn’t get out much in it.

And then she shared something I cant stop thinking about. She said that her and her husband took advantage of the beautiful scenery the snow provided and walked about 5 miles in it. She said it was so pretty and really glad they had done that.

What?!  Omg, what a great idea!  Why did I not think of that?!

Now, I would want to walk in a park, but I don’t like to drive in rain much less snow. I also wondered how slippery it would have been. Last thing I need is to slip and fall.

Plus, I don't do well in really cold weather.

However, I LOVE the idea! Love it. I will take advantage of the next snow day and take a walk in it and enjoy the picturesque scenery showered in white. I’m excited just thinking about it.

Birthdays

I have always had a love/hate relationship with birthdays. Well, I LOVE birthdays, but no one else seems to love my birthday like I do, haha.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

I have learned a lot about birthdays. Well, in reality, I have learned about personality traits (which have nothing to actually do with birthdays).

Right after college, I was devastated when my best friend didn't call or write me for my birthday. I was hurt beyond words. Now, had I known about Myers Biggs, I *might* not have gotten so upset. What I know now is that some people just don't have the personality that gives them that pleasure and "want" to remember everyone's birthday. 

I am not sure if it's because I'm an only child or what, but birthdays are very high on the totem pole for me of importance. I want to celebrate other's birthdays with balloons and dinners and surprise them! So, naturally I would like me to be remembered on my birthday

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

When I turned 50 last year, I was scared. I really was nervous and scared. Would anyone remember? Would anyone care? I truly feel the main reason I wasn't weeping for days for my 50th not being remembered or celebrated last year was because I did the outdoor birthday smash photoshoot. It kind of deflected my attention from my sad, pathetic feelings I could have had, to sharing the photos with everyone and celebrating what I DID.

I think only one person truly remembered I was turning 50 (and she made sure I felt special for it :)). While other friends knew I was 49 the previous year (we had talked about it), me turning 50 didn't mean anything to them. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

One friend asked, "Did I know you were turning 50?" Yes, last year you mentioned you said I didn't look 49. I went to a birthday dinner with some friends and when the check came, I had to buy my own 50th birthday dinner. While there is a backstory to that (my fault, I'm sure), I was still hurt... because it was my 50th. It wasn't just another birthday to me, it was a special birthday to me. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

And, I admit, I wanted to be celebrated. My birthday being celebrated in my eyes meant people care about me. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Again, this might be that only-child selfish little kid talking that needs deeper therapy, so please don't judge me.

I could always count on my Mom and Dad to remember my birthday. When my StepDad, Mom, and then Dad passed, there was no one left to remember my birthday. Without children or siblings, the only people left to truly remember my birth date were gone. 

It doesn't help that I have had some bad past experiences about my birthday. Several ex boyfriends didn't celebrate my birthday. One guy I was with for 3 years never gave me a present, another guy I was afraid I was going to get a really small pen again, and others just didn't remember or do anything special for me. Heck, one guy broke up with me ON my birthday. Guess which one? Yep, a milestone birthday - the day I turned 21.  

In the last ten years or so, to try and evade the feeling of disappointment I can sense coming, I just celebrate myself and leave town (to Vegas usually). But, those trips didn't stop the pain, only delayed it a bit.

You see, if none of my friends tell me happy birthday or don't know when the "big" ones are, there is no one else to count on. I only have them left.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Many of you who may be reading this may say that birthdays aren't that special anymore, or "Melinda, don't let that bother you," etc. However, you aren't in my exact shoes. The shoes of a person who doesn't have any relatives alive that even know when my birthday is. Most people have an immediate family member (wife, husband, sister, kids, boyfriend, etc) who will remember your birthday, but I don't have that.

No one can understand truly, unless you are in the exact situation.

Some folks say they understand or can relate. Kinda irritates me, because I literally do not know one person in these exact well-worn shoes (I know they are out there, lol, I just don't personally know any).

Yes, I do have many Aunts and Uncles on the StepDad's side of the family, but they don't know when my birthday is. I love them and they love me, but we aren't that close to remember each other's birthdays. And to be fair, I don't know when their birthdays are, either. But they have large, immediate families to remember theirs.

A couple of years ago I lamented to a coworker about my birthday and her response was, "I saw on Instagram you had a lot of birthday dinners with friends!" Yea, I had to plan all of those dinners. No one reached out to me, I reached out to them. "Hey, it's my Birthday next week, want to go to dinner?" People should be careful what they see on social media - it's not always what you think.

However much I have been hurt about birthdays in the past, I am having some realizations as we move through this pandemic together. Some that I believe will alleviate some of this unhealthy pain. 

Or, maybe these feelings are here now in combination of not just the pandemic, but also because last year was my last "big" birthday?

Anyway.... before the pandemic, I lived and breathed by my printed calendar. It was an open-face calendar that displayed an entire month at a glance. Every December I would go through the new year's calendar and re-write all my friends birthdays down, or dates I wanted to remember for my friends - deathversary of loved ones, anniversaries, etc. 

When the pandemic started, I took that calendar home, but I didn't open it. Back at my desk in my office, I would keep it open to remind me of what important date was coming up for others. I would see it every day. Now, though, it's in a drawer in my kitchen. I simply just didn't open it for days, and that turned into weeks, and then months. And what did I find out? It's okay to not remember others' birthdays. And I FEEL okay not to remember birthdays.

It slapped me in the face that if one doesn't write down someone's birthday or have the want to remember other's birthdays, of course they wont remember it. It's nothing personal. It doesn't mean they don't love me or you. I went about 9 months without telling anyone Happy Birthday last year. At first, I honestly felt guilty because that's not who I am. But, I think I want to change that. Maybe I'm a little spiteful, but I think I need to stop trying to make others feel good about their birthdays, and just be okay with not being that person who always remembers birthdays, or reaches out on tough anniversaries, etc. It's not my responsibility to tell people Happy Birthday or be the one to remember when their loved one passed and how tough a certain day may be. Yes, I love to help people and want to make them feel remembered and special - it's a passion of mine - but it's okay if I don't. They have others around them to celebrate birthdays or give them hugs on tough days.

When I whine about birthdays, I start to think about my friend Dave. He wasn't close to any of his family members and hardly anyone knew when his birthday was. Did he care? He said he didn't. He could care less. It was just another day for him, all those 60-some years.

I wish I had that type of gene. 

Honestly, I do feel ashamed I took my birthdays so personal. No one is responsible for my life but me. My anti-depressant (of two years) has also helped my brain from taking things so personal. I wish I would have started this medication YEARS ago. It really has helped my chemical imbalance and I no longer cry in a corner wondering why I'm not hearing from people (seriously).

My apologies for whining and showing my true, deep feelings - it is pretty pathetic and it's something I should not EVER be concerned about again, right? 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Well, I think I've had a breakthrough!

I am about to have another birthday in literally a week and I could care less to hear from anyone. And I am okay! Because I no longer have any milestone birthdays for anyone to forget/remember AND because I went through almost 9 months literally finally understanding the myth of birthdays, it hasn't crossed my mind once about my birthday and others in a week. Of course, I don't have to be disappointed no one asks me to dinner because we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? lol.

But, I really do feel different. 

I feel so differently after having these epiphanies about birthdays this past year, I almost don't want to post all of this; it doesn't seem to be 'me' anymore. But, it's okay to be vulnerable and honest. And it's okay to share feelings.

And don't worry - I still care for others and show it. It is a passion of mine, like I said. And I like to reach out to others to try and help during tough times or when something special happens. But, I just no longer focus so much on contacting people on certain dates. 

But, oh, hey, if I missed your birthday, Happy Birthday!

The Effects of Not Having Children

This is a story about a woman who didn't want kids.  And the potential impact to others.

I grew up an only child.  Was never really around other kids, especially never around babies.

I was told my whole life that at some point my motherly instincts would kick in very loudly and I'd magically want to have kids.  Still waiting!  Never happened.  Not once.  Not even a smidgeon.  Is there really a loud boom?

So when I dated a guy in my 20s for 5 1/2 years, I knew the whole time I didn't want to have kids.  At the end of our relationship when we finally talked having kids (TIP - talk about it sooner!), I told him I didn't want to.  He was a tad upset wasting all that time with me.  But his other response was sweet: Yes, I  want to have kids, but I want to have kids with you.  Sweet or not, the boom still wasn't there.  At that I point, even with all the other issues we were having, we were done.

I couldn't give him what he wanted.  And he should go find a woman he loved who wanted kids as much as he did.

My next boyfriend I was with for 7 years.  We talked about kids much sooner.  I was very straight forward:  You want kids, don't date me.  I can't tell you if I will or wont want kids some day, but I can tell you right now I do not.  

I knew I couldn't tell the future, so I had to leave some smidgeon of an out if I did some day hear that boom to have kids.  

He responded very kindly:  I'd rather be with you and no kids, than not with you.  We eventually married, then divorced.  No kids.

My point of this jaunt down memory lane really isn't about me.  It's about these two guys.  One spent 5 1/2 year with me in his 20s, wasting his time with a woman who didn't want to have children.  The other spent 7 years of his life in his 30s being in the same non-boom boat with me.  

Both of these men today still do not have kids (even after 10-20 years).  

I wonder if I "stole" their prime years to meet someone who they could have had kids with? 

Now, I've stated before I have no regrets in life (still stand by that belief, as I believe everything happens for a reason).  If they each went on to meet a great woman and have kids, I'd feel quite different about these wonderments.  But neither did.  Each had a subsequent long term relationship after me, and each didn't have kids still.  One eventually married and "gained" a family with about 4 children and I just know he's on cloud nine!  But each of these men never had kids of their own.

Did I stop them from having kids after me?  Well, hardly.  Could they have found a great woman to have kids with?  I'm sure.

I guess just wasn't in the cards for them.  And no boom for me.  

I sense we are all very happy people still running around on earth, not disgruntled or depressed or suicidal we didn't have kids.  But, it's still pretty wild thoughts I thought of the other day and wanted to capture in words in my blog.   

A Park with Sights Makes Me Happiest

One thing I figured out on Saturday was:  just going to a park isn't what I love.  It has to be pretty!  It has to have pretty things for me to see and feel!

Oh, and I could use water to help my happiness thermometer.  Or I need walking trails with dirt and rocks, if there is no water around.  And blue skies help, too.

But if it's a paved walking path with no beautiful water in sight, I'm not really enjoying things.  I can do a paved path if it has hills, like the one I go to that used to be a golf course.  Then it's a great work out!

But to be walking on large boring flat sidewalk with no sights to look at it, is just not for me.

I want to see water.  Seeing a lake or stream or river simply takes my breathe away.  Makes me stop in my tracks to envy and awe all the blue colors.  Makes my heart race with happiness.  I smile to myself as I hear the water streaming around rocks or splashing against a shoreline.

Even if no water, as long as there are hills and/or pretty flowers and/or dirt and rocky trail, I am happy.

But a longed paved sidewalk with no view and no hills, is just not for me.  I try not to complain or be negative, so this isn't really me complaining, it's more to share I figured out what makes me heart happiest!

Even as I reflect about searching for walking/hiking trails, if I see no water on the google map near the park, I don't investigate it's location and quickly move on to the next potential spot.

I loathed going to a park when it was cloudy two weekends ago, but I still ended up enjoying it to my surprise because the dirt trail was rugged with climbing hills and a lake in the distant.  It's more beautiful with crystal clear skies, of course, but the dirt, rocks, hills and water made for a great walking day.  See:

But this...Nope, not for me:

This?  Yes:

I'm Still 12 Years Old and 20 Years Old

Sometimes, I feel like I'm still 12 years old.

I feel like a little kid because I still get hurt over stupid things that I think that I shouldn't get bothered about because I'm an adult.

But age doesn't seem to help our feelings.  We still feel like a 12 year old when we don't get a gift on special occasions from someone we care about (for example).  We still feel the same emotions when we aren't appreciated and the deep heart-felt pain we experienced as a child still rears it's ugly head.

Sure, I'm more mature (thank God), but I also have the same feelings as a 12 year old at times.  And I don't know why.

Could be that only-child syndrome I have (I think that's only partly the reason).  Or, maybe it's really because I just haven't figured out yet how to build thicker skin, how to not have expectations, or not to be bothered by non-appreciative people.  I shouldn't blame them for not being considerate - after all it's either a trait you have or don't have.

I am also surprised that I hurt like 20 year old.  Even though I'm 45+ years old. 

Specifically, I am surprised that I still get hurt in relationships. 

I think people are of the assumption that as they age, they should change in regards to hurtful acts.  But, nothing changes. 

Chicks (no matter 20 years old or 45 years old) still get hurt when a guy stops talking to them, or when a guy treats them badly.  We don't accept the hurtful situations any easier as we age - we still feel like a 20 year old would hurt.

And yet I don't understand why. 

You'd think eventually we wouldn't care or wouldn't let things bother us.  But, we do.  We are human.  We have feelings.  We still have the same heart as that 20 year old girl from so long ago.

I am lucky and thankful (well, the guy should be thankful, lol) that I am more mature in how I handle a guy being insensitive, distant and hurtful.  I used to be the psycho girlfriend, text 100 times a day, get mad all the time, send crappy texts because I was hurt, etc.  At least now I don't react like a 20 year old.  But I still hurt like one.

12 years old or 20 years old or 45+ years old.  Hurt doesn't lessen as we age.

The Natural Party Planner Friend

I have recognized recently over the years that if we are lucky enough to have a friend who is a thoughtful, natural party planner person, then when birthdays or events happen in our lives, they are the ones who plan or surprise us with balloons, gifts, cake, card, or parties, etc etc.

There is a female friend among a large group of women pool players that is this exact person.  When she is on your league team, when birthdays come around for her teammates you see photos on Facebook of the celebration of balloons and bags of gifts and cakes.  On other teams, a birthday may come and go and no one does anything.  Not because no on cares, but because no one of the team is a natural party planner person like this certain person is.

When she change teams, I noticed after she left that her previous team no longer had birthday parties or a smattering of gift bags for the birthdays anymore of her ex teammates.  The thoughtful parties were all because of her initiative.

I don't know there are so few of people like her with this awesome trait, but we are all very thankful when we have someone like her in our lives.  She happens to be the one who also put together the Celebration of Life for my Mom.  She put together and planned the entire afternoon get together for friends, dinner, dedicated table for my Mom, etc for me.  I am SO thankful she did that in honor of my Mom who SO deserved that.  I didn't have the strength or mental energy to even get out of bed after she passed.

I have another friend at work who is the natural party planner person, as well.  When our birthdays come around, she makes sure that something is done for us or buys us a card that the group has signed.

I try and be a thoughtful friend and do things for others, but I am not the natural party person.  I am more thoughtful as time has gone on, for sure.  But have not been at their level at all my whole life.

It's sometimes tough to remember during times we wish people would do things for us, that we may not have one of those awesome natural party planners as a close friend.  I fall into this group of people who get disappointed, so I need to remember not everyone is this type of person.

For the times we DO have them in our lives, they have made us feel wonderful because they make us feel appreciated and thought of.  They themselves may be the only natural party person in their life.  So, don't forget to do something for them.

Not Even Interested in Looking

Life has many different paths...
Some come with aftermaths

The memories at times stored...
Because too hurtful i was ignored.

Holidays i fear...
No warm words do i hear

You might think it was your body or eyes...
Instead it was how you are so wise

I know this much to be true...
No eyes for anyone but you

Still adore you too much...
It's almost like a crutch

I don't seek, look, or care...
About anyone else out there

Heart still thinks about you...
So no one else will do

They say the next...
Should be better than the ex

That's going to be tough to beat...
You're too much of a treat

Intelligent, deep soul, artist, funny...
Mentor, best friend, gambler, sexy

Your words, that deep voice...
Fluttered my heart, no choice

I learned so much...
My mind was touched

Like no one ever before...
Influenced me to the core

Your advice, words, and thoughts...
Those are missed... lots

Just know you're​ missed, and why...
And that's why sometimes I still cry.

Perspective on Purpose

I've been having a tough time lately.

Back to my old self of feeling like I have no purpose.  Could really care if I live or die, honestly.

Even though I have a lot of cool, different things going on, I still have no desire or care to live.

Don't worry, I'm not getting out the wrist-cutting sharp objects, but I can tell you I'm not scared to die at all if something weird like a car accident happens.  I even envision driving off a bridge, lol.

So, imagine my confusion when I'm talking to a friend who has throat cancer.  As Sophia on the Golden Girls would say, "Picture This:"

• He has no family.  AT ALL (no children or living parents or relatives)
• He literally lives out of his van
• Funds are being raised so he can at least be in a hotel while he gets treatment, but those funds will be used up in a month.  (he needs a clean place and electricity to use his pumps and feeding tube)
• He has no job, and barely gets by, except with the occasional winning of a weekly pool tournament 
• He literally owns only the clothes he's wearing (which don't fit him any more), and he has no valuables or keepsakes.

And here is this man in his late 50s or early 60s telling me he's going to fight.  He's not giving up. 

Even hearing all that, still doesn't give me the desire to look forward to life and living, but for some reason, he has more spirit than I do.  And he has about 99% less things than I do.  And not just physical things, but other "things" - I have good friends, great job, projects I'm working on, trips coming up, etc.

I really have a great life.  People would kill to have this life.  And yet.... I don't care to fight to live lately.

End of August

Last day of August.

Thank goodness.

Tough month for many reasons already mentioned, and new reasons that cropped up.

Surviving.  I'm so busy with so many different things, I know that's a blessing.  Hate nights, tho - that's when the brain wont shut off.  Yet, I like sleep!  And I'm so much more productive after getting good, long sleep time.

Oh well.

The (new) Love of Nature

I adore that part of my love of life is the love of the outdoors.  Yet, it's shocking to me that those feelings evaded me for over 20 years.

I grew up on weekends in the Texas Hill Country, along the Frio River, from the time I was a cute little tomboy of 8-years-old into my teens up until 18-years-old. My Mom and I (and eventually my Step-Dad) would go camping there almost every other weekend for over 10 years.

That's when I was surrounded all the time by the beauty of the outdoors.  However, the conditions you grow up in, you don't really reflect on them or realize how important they are in your life, until later in life. 

I didn't have appreciation for the outdoors until I got older; until I missed it; until I remembered it again.

I starting working in my career right out of college in San Antonio.  While I moved to Jacksonville, FL for 2 years in the late 1990s, I still didn't really venture out into the outdoors.  Then I moved to the DFW-area and didn't really do much outdoor things as well for the next 15 years.

I think there are many, many reasons why I didn't venture outdoors for the last 25 years:

• my passion in life was an indoor sport, so I was normally in a pool room on the weekends, not even thinking about fishing or hiking or camping.
• my boyfriends over the years in my 20s and 30s were not from the country and not into "outdoor things."
• I didn't have kids, as I think many families go camping together.
• I didn't even own any camping gear or a fishing pole.
• and I moved away from the most familiar outdoor place I would have gone to easily:  the Texas Hill Country.

While I still loved sunsets and adored animals and nature, I just didn't contemplate doing things outdoors such as hiking or camping.

As I look back, I sure wish I did.  That was a lot of wasted years indoors! 

I finally "noticed" the outdoors again just last in the last few years.

I stepped away from playing so much pool, went camping a few times a couple of years ago, and started to exercise more by hiking and walking.  Last year I starting to scope out parks and hiking spots in North Texas where I could simply take in the outdoors and all it's beauty.  Like, walking along lakes, hiking along streams, fishing spots, etc etc etc.  Turns out there are A LOT of great parks and lakes in the area that I can visit and be in awe with nature!  I have written about a few already (like Eagle Mountain Lake).  But there are SO MANY around here, wow!  Not to mention so many more not IN the area. 

I even went camping and fishing along the Frio River last year and it was amazing!  Had a fab time with the familiarity and lots of history flooding into my heart and soul those few solo days.

It saddens me that I "forgot" my appreciation for the outdoors all those years.  But, my circumstances in life kinda of led me to that.  I'm just glad I realized it again!   I am very thankful to have been reminded how much I adore the outdoors and it's reinvigorated my passion and love for it.  It brings me such peace and happiness.

I'm such a blessed person to have grown up surrounded by the beauty on nature.  Nothing can take away my memories.... and the new ones I'm making outdoors taking in the sweetness of nature around me.

Music Through the Ages

I wonder why when I hear a song from the 80s and 90s, I can imagine where I was in my life, but not who I was with.  But in my 30s and 40s, certain songs bring up memories / feelings of the boyfriend I was with at the time.

In my teens and 20s, I can recall if I was in college, high school, living in Florida, or certain cities in Texas, etc.  But when the songs are played on the radio, I don't think of boyfriends from back then.

But in my 30s and 40s, when I hear certain songs, I don't think of where I was in my life, but who had my heart.

I wonder why I can't recall that from the teens and 20s?

Was it because back then I wasn't as close to my boyfriends?  Or because we didn't have a song that resonated with our "romance"?  Or because as we get older relationships mean more and therefore as a normal consequence so do certain songs we associate with our boyfriend/girlfriend at the time?

Or, when we are young we don't hear the words in songs?  lol

Maybe our emotional connections change with time. I can say that it seems like relationships in my 30s and 40s were def more intense feeling-wise with certain guys and more meaningful.  I had a boyfriend for 5 1/2 years in my late 20s, but I can't recall one song from back then that would remind me of him, like certain songs in the last 10-15 years can about other guys.

Further, I was with one of my ex's for 7 years in my 30s, only one song (when I hear it) reminds me of him, and that song was only from the beginning our relationship.

That leads me to wonder - do long-lasting relationships over years and years, do they have more than one song that when it's played they think of their loved one?  Or is it only in the beginning stages of relationships does our brain pin songs to?

Weird.

Young at Heart

The other day a friend of mine and I were talking about how no matter what age we are or how old we get, we have the same feelings that we had when we were in our 20s, 30s, or sometimes even our teens.

And this is either with friendships or romantic relationships, or our attachment to things (work issue, pets, etc).  Any type of emotional connection that touches our heart.

I was sharing with her how it was surprising that no matter how many years go by, even decades even, that I still have the same thoughts and emotions that I did when I was in my 20s, especially when it comes to relationships. You would think that as we mature and age that we wouldn't have these crazy insecure female-type thoughts anymore, but in reality we still do.  I'm kind of like a twenty-year-old in a 40 year old body, lol.  My body has aged, but my feelings and emotions remain the same.

The same thing can be said for when we start a new relationship or when one ends.  No matter what age we are at the beginning of a relationship, it's always wonderful and amazing, and the end of it always hurts and is painful.  It doesn't matter how old you are or how young you are - your emotions and connections remains just as intense.

A friend of mine in his mid 60s recently met a new girl and he said he felt like they were teenagers starting out on this new venture in their lives together!  He was so giddy and happy.  After only a few weeks, it had dissolved, though.  He was so heartbroken, he could barely function after the heartache of them breaking up. 

Another of my friends in her mid 50s recently went through a break up and she was very hurt as well after she got rejected.

The good thing though, is how we react to situations gets better as we age and mature.  THAT is cool, for sure.  It's nice to be able to react so much more adult-like to situations, than like a spoiled, 25-year old nagging, hurt, insecure girlfriend (or boyfriend).

My friend in her 50s handle the rejection with poise and I dare say, "honor."  While she was hurting on the inside, she handled it much better than her 25-year-old self would have 30 years ago she confided.

So while in my 20s and 30s I might have reacted like a crappy girlfriend to guys back then because I let my emotions take over, I recognize now and enjoy that I'm more patient and so much more understanding.  Sure, I still have crazy, stupid thoughts, but I just try not to expose them now and instead keep them internal, where when I was younger I would spew them outward. I see things and consciously handle things outward in a much better way than when I was immature and naive.  Thank goodness, too!  Not just for my friends and my boyfriends, but also for MYSELF. 
 

  

Mother's Day Selfishness

Really disappointed in myself already this week.

I stayed in town this past weekend for Mother's Day instead of fleeing the state like I normally do.  It was the FIRST weekend I stayed in town at home since my dear, lovely Mom has passed 4 1/2 years ago.

And it was BRUTAL.

I did survive (whew!), but I sure wish I was anywhere else but in town near the house I shared with my Mom during Mother's Day weekend.

But, I'm disappointed because I became a hermit.

I even deactivated Facebook for the first time in my life last weekend.  I seriously could not handle all the posts about Mom's.  It was too much for my heart.

I got a few texts, which was nice, but I didn't respond to any of them until Monday morning.  One friend, she asked me where I was and why I didn't respond, I replied, "I wasn't talking to anyone until this morning."

But, I'm more so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't there for my friends who were having a tough time on Mother's Day, too.
 
I pride myself in using the trials and tribulations in my life to help others.  And that did not happen this past weekend.  Instead of reaching out to others who were in pain, I was selfish.  And I hate that in me.  I hate that's who I was this past weekend.  But, I embarrassingly admit I was barely surviving.

A few friends who have lost their Moms last year, it was their first Mother's Day without their Mom.  Instead of sending them thoughtful, understanding, loving notes on their Facebook posts, I was nowhere to be found.  I wasn't there for them. 

And, while I made it through the weekend, the hermit in me still lingering (dang it).  A couple of friends wanted to talk last night, and I just couldn't yet get up enough energy or fight to even talk yet or try to be there for someone else right now.  I feel SO badly about it.  But, I am still depressed trying to get out of the fog from the sad feelings from the tough weekend.  And when I am depressed, I just don't want to talk to anyone.  I only care to hear from and respond to the one person that can make me smile, otherwise, I just turn into a hermit and recluse, and hide from the world. 

I miss my Mom more than anything.  I know that means that I have deep love for her, but it's almost unfathomable how much her death still affects me and paralyzes me at times.

I keep hearing how others can relate.  Can you?  To have no family left, no roommate, no siblings, no no one, can you really relate to that?  Tired of people comparing their life to mine and saying they understand when unless you are standing in my worn-out shoes of life, please.just.don't.

Anyway, hoping the fog of depression lifts soon.  It's felt SOOO nice to smile and actually be happy this year, and I hope for it's triumphant return any day now!  And, then, I can go back to being there and helping others.

Don't Recline That Airline Seat...

I'm the type of person who never reclines their seat back on an airplane.

I think it's rude to actually push that little round button on the side of my arm rest and then lean back into the back of my seat and make it go back further into the space of the person behind me.

I already feel that there's so little room around a plane seat that it's not even fathomable for me to do that.  No matter how uncomfortable I might be in that cramped seat, I refuse to ever lean my seat back.  I just don't want the stranger behind me to feel even more uncomfortable.

So, because I am a typical human who disillusion-ally thinks everyone should have the same expectations, I do tend to get agitated with the person in front of me who adjusts their seat back right at me.

Every once in awhile they will turn around and look behind them to see if someone is "back there."  But we all know they saw us as they took their seat.  Or, they know from the announcements that the flight is full already.  Yet, they still turn around like an apology turnaround of, "hey I'm sorry I just put my seat back."

Did you notice that?  They don't do it BEFORE they push the button, they do it afterwards.  But, most don't turn around at all. 

And of course I always enjoy the ones who slam their seats back, instead of gently.  At least gently I can prepare for the smaller space that's about to encroach on me.  I usually have one of my legs crossed so when their back seat leans into me, it causes me to jump stealth-like and move my knees before they get squished.  Or, I grab my tablet just in the nick of time as it tries to get knocked off the small plastic table above my knees.

I know they are just trying to get comfortable in the small seats, but although this may sound rude, I kinda wish none of the seats were reclinable.  What a joy for all that would be.  :)

Oh! And seems in my row, the two people next to me always have people in front of them who don't recline their seat.  But my airline mate in front of me - every time has to adjust backwards into my lap.

Fun times!

But, at least the person behind me wont feel confined to a smaller space as I sit upright for them.  I'm obliged to help!  Just simple consideration.  :)

The Words To Choose

About a year ago I'll never forget a very short, yet amazing exchange I had with a stranger.

I was in my own cloud of depression, not looking up as I walked into my building at work, headed to the elevators.  There are 100s and 100s of people in this 14-story building who work there, plus all the visitors on any given day to the IRS on the 6th floor,  Social Security Office on the 1st floor, and the bank on the 7th floor.

So, as I'm in my foggy cloud, I get to my set of elevators to the upper floors and a woman was standing there waiting for the elevator doors to magically open as well.

And then she says something to me, just as the doors open and we are walking into the elevators.

She said, "That shirt looks really great on you. "

I look up shyly (trying to also catch a quick look at what shirt I was wearing) and I reply nicely, "thank you so much," with a small return smile.

She gets off on floor 8, and as the doors close behind her, I recognized so deeply how impactful her choice of words were to me and how they made me feel.

Normally one would say, "I love that shirt," or "that's a great shirt."

But she actually added an element I had never thought of that is much more meaningful than just about the shirt - it's how the shirt looks on THE PERSON.

It was amazing how much more powerful her words meant to me, and how they made me feel overall.

I normally am just proud of the shirt choice I made when someone mentions they like my shirt/dress/whatever.  This day, however, I felt good overall in MYSELF because of how she said the shirt looked on me.

The words are so similar and can be interchanged so easily, yet it's amazing how more impactful one was more than the other:

That's a great shirt.
That's a great shirt on you.

It was an extremely enlightening day for me.  And has now given me more awareness when I give others compliments now.

Lucky For Friends

What I find interesting is that since I'm not a Mom, and my Mom is not alive there are some things that I just don't know.  Luckily I have friends and co-workers that share things with me; otherwise I'd really be kind of at a loss.

For instance.  A few years ago I remember distinctively a coworker getting on to me for my choice of drink when I had a sore throat.  I told her what I had for dinner - chicken noodle soup with a glass milk.  Chicken noodle soup always helps me when I'm sick and I /have/ to have milk with that type of soup for some reason (been that way my whole life).  But she got on to me.  She basically told me that when you have a sore throat you're not supposed to drink milk or have dairy products because it's not good for a sore throat.

Well, I had no idea!  How am I supposed to know that?  My mom is passed away or she would have mentioned it to me, and I don't have any kids, so I wouldn't know.

My Mom would always help me when I was sick, like, "have a shot of whiskey with some honey" for my throat.  But, I tend to forget many of the little nuggets when I'm sick for some reason.  And she's not around to take care of me anymore when I'm sick.

I guess I could look up stuff when I'm not feeling well, but who knows to look up "is milk bad for a sore throat?" lol

I could always ask my Mom anything and she always seemed to have the answer. Except that one time I broke my little toe.  I called her at work and told her about it and she told me there was nothing doctors could do about a broken toe.  I just had to wait for it the heal on it's own.  But what she didn't know was my little toe was sticking straight out so far to the left, I couldn't even put a shoe on!  She was wrong that one time - a doctor did fix me up, tho, and put it back into place for me.

Last year I visited my Dad's wife after he passed and she was preparing orchids she was giving away as gifts to a few people who had helped her the last few weeks after his passing.  And I'm sitting on her couch watching this Korean woman grab some mayonnaise out of the refrigerator, get a paper towel, and proceeded to wipe the mayonnaise on the leaves carefully and diligently.

I honestly sat there in disbelief.  I asked her why she was doing that and she said that the mayonnaise brings out the brightness of the leaves and also helps keep the dust away.  I had no idea - first time I've ever seen that in my life.  And I even recall mentioning to her that I wish I lived closer so I could learn things like that from her.  Because again, am I supposed to look up how to clean orchid leaves?  Why would it even cross my mind orchid leaves could/should be cleaned?

Now, I wrote recently that I've learned a lot from my parents by watching, but what I'm talking about are more so things that come up that maybe you haven't been through or you just don't remember.

Also, I have no idea if I ever had the chickenpox.  No idea at all.  And, there's no one alive to ask.  So every time I see that commercial about shingles, asking if you had the chickenpox virus, I shrug my shoulders at the tv because I have no clue.

But I am very thankful I have my friends and co-workers.  Whether walking down the hall talking to coworkers, or posting something on facebook getting advice back (usually unwelcomed lol but still), or mentioning something in an email to someone I adore, I do still have angels around me even though I have no family.

Drafts Folder

Lately, I'm been going through a lot of things and cleaning out a lot of things.

I've already been through every room in my house.  Given away about 15 bags of clothing, moved things to their proper location in the house, got the garage organized, going through all my papers in the filing cabinets, and even organized the dreaded "junk drawer" one Friday night:

The other thing I'm doing is electronic cleaning.  I keep all emails in my inbox if there is some action needed.  So, deleting an email is something I can do at any time, but I am notorious for not filing emails right away.  So, the inbox just keeps filling up over into the next internet page of the email until I finally get around to either reading an article someone sent me, filing the email, responding to someone, checking out a link, whatever.

(and this is just my personal email I'm referring to, not my work email that I have the same issue with lol.)

And now, I send reminders to my email.  I actually love doing this because it helps me not lose my thoughts or helps me remember things I need to do (I use Do Note from IFTTT to easily email myself).  So, I keep the email reminder unread and it stays bright in my inbox as a reminder this is an action I need to do something with.  Do you think this helps?  No, not at all.  Now the "unread" email number just climbs up, too.  lol.

So, as I was cleaning my email inbox, I noticed my DRAFTS folder.  Why THE HELL do I have over 400 emails in my drafts folder?

So, I started to go through them since I'm on this cleaning spree.

I found addresses and phone numbers.  To who?  I don't know.  I guess at some point I would need to write down a number or address, put it in an email but not email it - just "SAVE" it and then it stayed in my drafts folder.

I also have those type of letters/emails you write that you are NEVER suppose to push the send button on.  You know, if someone really upsets you, you are suppose to write down your thoughts.  But you never actually send that email.  You are just getting the anger out of you.  Further, if something is on your mind you can't stop thinking about, then you write those thoughts down so you can then shove them away from your brain.  You still have the information you were thinking about, but it's now off your mind.

Kinda like they say if you are laying in bed thinking of the things you are suppose to do the next day, you then write them down.  That allows you to fall asleep because you are no longer thinking about your to-do list, and it's captured in writing (this works btw).

Same principle.

So, some of these "letters" were my thoughts after breakups, or why a guy was an ass, or why I was upset with a friend.  It was pretty weird to run across some of those - some were over 7 years old.  DELETE.

I also have saved chat discussions with friends because of advice they gave me.  Tidbits of information that I copied into a draft so I wouldn't forget, and maybe refer to if I needed a peptalk.  Back then, Chats weren't saved, so I had to copy and paste them.  Yet, there it all sat in a DRAFT email waiting to be taken care of somehow.  

I also of course have lots of links to articles (many links do not work now) and prolly over 100 items to blog about (holy cow).

I found this that I wasn't suppose to forget from 2008:

amboyna burl
black palm

Yep, that's all it said.  I guess that's when I was looking up wood for the cue I was designing.

How about this nugget:

A draft letter I wrote for an ex to his biological Dad he never met (who he found and they now visit each other and are close).

I also found a lot of quotes I liked at some point in time, that I guess I was going to blog about or felt close to at the moment in that place in my life.  Nowadays, I save things in an app called Evernote because I can save it on my phone and pull it up on my computer - very handy actually.  Of course I realize now I'm just replacing one electronic means of hoarding with another.  lol.

I have my DRAFT folder down to 178 drafts now!  After a while I get burned out filing or trying to figure out what to do with them.  Because let's be honest, if I want to SAVE what the draft, then I have to EMAIL it to myself.  And then it's sitting in my email inbox unread, just piling up with the others I'm trying to clear out lol.  Because I still need to do something with it - blog about it or file it or whatever.

OMG it's like a vicious circle! 

Oh geeeeee.....  lol

Who You Can Count On

I had been upset for quite awhile last year about how I have no one I can depend on.

Everyone points out I have a lot of great friends who love me, and while that's true, I've also been bit by just enough friends to realize it's difficult to trust anyone at all anymore.

Well, "trust" is a tough word, but what I really, really mean is, "depend on."

And I really don't blame them.  Everyone has their own life to live and can't possibly be there for me when I need help, comfort, or support (whether emotional, physical, to share great news with, reliable, dependable, comforting, whatever type of connection). 

But, I found some major solace late last spring when I realized something that should have been obvious:  I ALWAYS have myself that I can depend on.  And God, too.

Like that new song, /Me Myself and I/ says:

Oh, it's just me, myself and I
....
Cause I got me for life
....

So, it's nice to finally realize that without any relatives alive, no dependable friends who live close by, and disappointing ex's who claimed they would be there for me, that I now have the most amazing, comforting feeling because I'm very aware that I know I can always count on myself.  I truly am the most dependable person I know for myself!

Sure, I still need rides to certain doc appointments, or help around the house when I can't move a big piece of furniture on my own, or need my neighbor at times to let my dog out, but overall, I truly can depend on myself for a comforting thought, reassuring voice, and to get things done.  I've been through so much in my life and survived (albeit barely sometimes, lol) this far, that I will be okay depending on 'ole reliable:  ME.

Beautiful Relationships

I have heard my whole life, you should be with someone who complements you and brings out the best in you.

Until that happens, you have no idea just how absolutely beautiful that really is.

And how awesome it feels.

To be told "you bring out the best in me" and at the same time to see that someone wants to ONLY bring out the positive side of myself, is one of the most beautiful things I have experienced.

And it's not just being NOT around negative people.

It's about surrounding yourself with supportive people, encouraging people, people that do not WANT to hurt you, ever.

To be in a relationship where we each complement each other is truly amazing and I'm at a loss for words how to even describe it or why it's so awesome.  I guess because we each feel special; because we bring out the best in each other.  I mean seriously, HOW COOL IS THAT?

Enjoying life together.
Wanting to be together.
Supporting each other.
Recognizing each others' attributes and bringing them out.

If you are lucky enough to find someone who complements you, and you them, then you are very blessed!

I have this now.  And it is AMAZING.  Waited my whole life for this, and it was well worth the wait.  :)

Not Orphaned

I mentioned to someone a few months back that the first two years after my Mom's death (in 2011) was pretty tough on me.

This person already knew I also lost my Dad in 2007.

They proceed to tell me, "I feel so bad for you you lost both of your parents.  You must feel like an orphan!"  And then she hugged me, almost in tears.

I just stood there receiving the hug, then quickly left.

I do NOT feel like an orphan!  I am NOT an orphan.

Who thinks like that?