(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)
I have learned a lot about birthdays. Well, in reality, I have learned about personality traits (which have nothing to actually do with birthdays).
Right after college, I was devastated when my best friend didn't call or write me for my birthday. I was hurt beyond words. Now, had I known about Myers Biggs, I *might* not have gotten so upset. What I know now is that some people just don't have the personality that gives them that pleasure and "want" to remember everyone's birthday.
I am not sure if it's because I'm an only child or what, but birthdays are very high on the totem pole for me of importance. I want to celebrate other's birthdays with balloons and dinners and surprise them! So, naturally I would like me to be remembered on my birthday
(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)
When I turned 50 last year, I was scared. I really was nervous and scared. Would anyone remember? Would anyone care? I truly feel the main reason I wasn't weeping for days for my 50th not being remembered or celebrated last year was because I did the outdoor birthday smash photoshoot. It kind of deflected my attention from my sad, pathetic feelings I could have had, to sharing the photos with everyone and celebrating what I DID.
I think only one person truly remembered I was turning 50 (and she made sure I felt special for it :)). While other friends knew I was 49 the previous year (we had talked about it), me turning 50 didn't mean anything to them.
(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)
One friend asked, "Did I know you were turning 50?" Yes, last year you mentioned you said I didn't look 49. I went to a birthday dinner with some friends and when the check came, I had to buy my own 50th birthday dinner. While there is a backstory to that (my fault, I'm sure), I was still hurt... because it was my 50th. It wasn't just another birthday to me, it was a special birthday to me.
(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)
And, I admit, I wanted to be celebrated. My birthday being celebrated in my eyes meant people care about me.
(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)
Again, this might be that only-child selfish little kid talking that needs deeper therapy, so please don't judge me.
I could always count on my Mom and Dad to remember my birthday. When my StepDad, Mom, and then Dad passed, there was no one left to remember my birthday. Without children or siblings, the only people left to truly remember my birth date were gone.
It doesn't help that I have had some bad past experiences about my birthday. Several ex boyfriends didn't celebrate my birthday. One guy I was with for 3 years never gave me a present, another guy I was afraid I was going to get a really small pen again, and others just didn't remember or do anything special for me. Heck, one guy broke up with me ON my birthday. Guess which one? Yep, a milestone birthday - the day I turned 21.
In the last ten years or so, to try and evade the feeling of disappointment I can sense coming, I just celebrate myself and leave town (to Vegas usually). But, those trips didn't stop the pain, only delayed it a bit.
You see, if none of my friends tell me happy birthday or don't know when the "big" ones are, there is no one else to count on. I only have them left.
(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)
Many of you who may be reading this may say that birthdays aren't that special anymore, or "Melinda, don't let that bother you," etc. However, you aren't in my exact shoes. The shoes of a person who doesn't have any relatives alive that even know when my birthday is. Most people have an immediate family member (wife, husband, sister, kids, boyfriend, etc) who will remember your birthday, but I don't have that.
No one can understand truly, unless you are in the exact situation.
Some folks say they understand or can relate. Kinda irritates me, because I literally do not know one person in these exact well-worn shoes (I know they are out there, lol, I just don't personally know any).
Yes, I do have many Aunts and Uncles on the StepDad's side of the family, but they don't know when my birthday is. I love them and they love me, but we aren't that close to remember each other's birthdays. And to be fair, I don't know when their birthdays are, either. But they have large, immediate families to remember theirs.
A couple of years ago I lamented to a coworker about my birthday and her response was, "I saw on Instagram you had a lot of birthday dinners with friends!" Yea, I had to plan all of those dinners. No one reached out to me, I reached out to them. "Hey, it's my Birthday next week, want to go to dinner?" People should be careful what they see on social media - it's not always what you think.
However much I have been hurt about birthdays in the past, I am having some realizations as we move through this pandemic together. Some that I believe will alleviate some of this unhealthy pain.
Or, maybe these feelings are here now in combination of not just the pandemic, but also because last year was my last "big" birthday?
Anyway.... before the pandemic, I lived and breathed by my printed calendar. It was an open-face calendar that displayed an entire month at a glance. Every December I would go through the new year's calendar and re-write all my friends birthdays down, or dates I wanted to remember for my friends - deathversary of loved ones, anniversaries, etc.
When the pandemic started, I took that calendar home, but I didn't open it. Back at my desk in my office, I would keep it open to remind me of what important date was coming up for others. I would see it every day. Now, though, it's in a drawer in my kitchen. I simply just didn't open it for days, and that turned into weeks, and then months. And what did I find out? It's okay to not remember others' birthdays. And I FEEL okay not to remember birthdays.
It slapped me in the face that if one doesn't write down someone's birthday or have the want to remember other's birthdays, of course they wont remember it. It's nothing personal. It doesn't mean they don't love me or you. I went about 9 months without telling anyone Happy Birthday last year. At first, I honestly felt guilty because that's not who I am. But, I think I want to change that. Maybe I'm a little spiteful, but I think I need to stop trying to make others feel good about their birthdays, and just be okay with not being that person who always remembers birthdays, or reaches out on tough anniversaries, etc. It's not my responsibility to tell people Happy Birthday or be the one to remember when their loved one passed and how tough a certain day may be. Yes, I love to help people and want to make them feel remembered and special - it's a passion of mine - but it's okay if I don't. They have others around them to celebrate birthdays or give them hugs on tough days.
When I whine about birthdays, I start to think about my friend Dave. He wasn't close to any of his family members and hardly anyone knew when his birthday was. Did he care? He said he didn't. He could care less. It was just another day for him, all those 60-some years.
I wish I had that type of gene.
Honestly, I do feel ashamed I took my birthdays so personal. No one is responsible for my life but me. My anti-depressant (of two years) has also helped my brain from taking things so personal. I wish I would have started this medication YEARS ago. It really has helped my chemical imbalance and I no longer cry in a corner wondering why I'm not hearing from people (seriously).
My apologies for whining and showing my true, deep feelings - it is pretty pathetic and it's something I should not EVER be concerned about again, right?
(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)
Well, I think I've had a breakthrough!
I am about to have another birthday in literally a week and I could care less to hear from anyone. And I am okay! Because I no longer have any milestone birthdays for anyone to forget/remember AND because I went through almost 9 months literally finally understanding the myth of birthdays, it hasn't crossed my mind once about my birthday and others in a week. Of course, I don't have to be disappointed no one asks me to dinner because we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? lol.
But, I really do feel different.
I feel so differently after having these epiphanies about birthdays this past year, I almost don't want to post all of this; it doesn't seem to be 'me' anymore. But, it's okay to be vulnerable and honest. And it's okay to share feelings.
And don't worry - I still care for others and show it. It is a passion of mine, like I said. And I like to reach out to others to try and help during tough times or when something special happens. But, I just no longer focus so much on contacting people on certain dates.
But, oh, hey, if I missed your birthday, Happy Birthday!
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