Walked in Snow!

As I mentioned in January, an idea was presented to me to walk in snow when it happens to snow here in the Dallas Fort Worth area.  I was so excited about the concept!  I normally watch the snow from my window - hadn't crossed my mind to walk in it. Sure, people play in it, but walk around the neighborhood or go to a park?  Hadn't even crossed my mind. But I was super excited about doing it if it snowed again/

Then a rare winter event crippled most of all of Texas in the second week of February, and boy did I have a chance to walk in snow! Even without power for 50 hours, I still took advantage and walked in the snow in my neighborhood.

I bundled up well (temps in the single digits!) and walked an hour Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Friday! Pretty much every day until the snow melt.

As I would walk up my driveway, almost every time I wanted to turn around and keep walking in the neighborhood! But, an hour was about as long as my toes could handle the coldness (even with two pairs of socks on, ha!)

Here are some pics. SO invigorating, beautiful, and blessed! I'm beyond elated that I ventured out and walked for so long every day on the stunning white cavass. 

Walking in Snow

Several weeks ago it snowed on a cool, crisp, Sunday morning. It’s not rare for Dallas / Fort Worth, but it’s not common either to see “the white stuff.”

As the beautiful white snowflakes covered the rooftops on houses around me, and the yard became white, I finally went outside. I took Lily out and she was not excited at all. I guess no yellow snow from her, lol.

I took some photos of Lily running back and skirting quickly back into the house. Then I took a few traditional selfies for Instagram with the white background behind me. I also captured some video of the snow falling - remember, not common in Texas and this born-and-raised-in-San-Antonio-girl hasn’t seen a lot of snow in my life. 

I went back inside and worked around the house on some little projects and cleaning up. A few hours later, I took a break on the couch with a tv show, and checked my usual phone apps. Candy Crush, Toon Blast, Word Feud, and opened up FB just for a bit and then transitioned quickly to Instagram, which is much less dramatic, lol.

I saw numerous photos from my friends of people outside. Some made snowmen, some got pics of their kids in the snow. It dawned on me that I really didn’t take quite advantage of the snow. Most folks prolly spent a couple of hours in the snow with their family members. I didn’t even feel too excited for some reason. I kinda avoided it, in reality. Maybe if it had snowed all day or for a couple of days I would have been more impressed. But, I simply took my photos to capture on Instagram and then went back inside. I actually forgot it was snowing as the day went on.

Fast forward a week and I had a call with my financial advisor.  She had asked how I was doing and the usual intro pleasantries, and then she asked me about the snow day.

I told her it was pretty, but didn’t get out much in it.

And then she shared something I cant stop thinking about. She said that her and her husband took advantage of the beautiful scenery the snow provided and walked about 5 miles in it. She said it was so pretty and really glad they had done that.

What?!  Omg, what a great idea!  Why did I not think of that?!

Now, I would want to walk in a park, but I don’t like to drive in rain much less snow. I also wondered how slippery it would have been. Last thing I need is to slip and fall.

Plus, I don't do well in really cold weather.

However, I LOVE the idea! Love it. I will take advantage of the next snow day and take a walk in it and enjoy the picturesque scenery showered in white. I’m excited just thinking about it.

Birthdays

I have always had a love/hate relationship with birthdays. Well, I LOVE birthdays, but no one else seems to love my birthday like I do, haha.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

I have learned a lot about birthdays. Well, in reality, I have learned about personality traits (which have nothing to actually do with birthdays).

Right after college, I was devastated when my best friend didn't call or write me for my birthday. I was hurt beyond words. Now, had I known about Myers Biggs, I *might* not have gotten so upset. What I know now is that some people just don't have the personality that gives them that pleasure and "want" to remember everyone's birthday. 

I am not sure if it's because I'm an only child or what, but birthdays are very high on the totem pole for me of importance. I want to celebrate other's birthdays with balloons and dinners and surprise them! So, naturally I would like me to be remembered on my birthday

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

When I turned 50 last year, I was scared. I really was nervous and scared. Would anyone remember? Would anyone care? I truly feel the main reason I wasn't weeping for days for my 50th not being remembered or celebrated last year was because I did the outdoor birthday smash photoshoot. It kind of deflected my attention from my sad, pathetic feelings I could have had, to sharing the photos with everyone and celebrating what I DID.

I think only one person truly remembered I was turning 50 (and she made sure I felt special for it :)). While other friends knew I was 49 the previous year (we had talked about it), me turning 50 didn't mean anything to them. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

One friend asked, "Did I know you were turning 50?" Yes, last year you mentioned you said I didn't look 49. I went to a birthday dinner with some friends and when the check came, I had to buy my own 50th birthday dinner. While there is a backstory to that (my fault, I'm sure), I was still hurt... because it was my 50th. It wasn't just another birthday to me, it was a special birthday to me. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

And, I admit, I wanted to be celebrated. My birthday being celebrated in my eyes meant people care about me. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Again, this might be that only-child selfish little kid talking that needs deeper therapy, so please don't judge me.

I could always count on my Mom and Dad to remember my birthday. When my StepDad, Mom, and then Dad passed, there was no one left to remember my birthday. Without children or siblings, the only people left to truly remember my birth date were gone. 

It doesn't help that I have had some bad past experiences about my birthday. Several ex boyfriends didn't celebrate my birthday. One guy I was with for 3 years never gave me a present, another guy I was afraid I was going to get a really small pen again, and others just didn't remember or do anything special for me. Heck, one guy broke up with me ON my birthday. Guess which one? Yep, a milestone birthday - the day I turned 21.  

In the last ten years or so, to try and evade the feeling of disappointment I can sense coming, I just celebrate myself and leave town (to Vegas usually). But, those trips didn't stop the pain, only delayed it a bit.

You see, if none of my friends tell me happy birthday or don't know when the "big" ones are, there is no one else to count on. I only have them left.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Many of you who may be reading this may say that birthdays aren't that special anymore, or "Melinda, don't let that bother you," etc. However, you aren't in my exact shoes. The shoes of a person who doesn't have any relatives alive that even know when my birthday is. Most people have an immediate family member (wife, husband, sister, kids, boyfriend, etc) who will remember your birthday, but I don't have that.

No one can understand truly, unless you are in the exact situation.

Some folks say they understand or can relate. Kinda irritates me, because I literally do not know one person in these exact well-worn shoes (I know they are out there, lol, I just don't personally know any).

Yes, I do have many Aunts and Uncles on the StepDad's side of the family, but they don't know when my birthday is. I love them and they love me, but we aren't that close to remember each other's birthdays. And to be fair, I don't know when their birthdays are, either. But they have large, immediate families to remember theirs.

A couple of years ago I lamented to a coworker about my birthday and her response was, "I saw on Instagram you had a lot of birthday dinners with friends!" Yea, I had to plan all of those dinners. No one reached out to me, I reached out to them. "Hey, it's my Birthday next week, want to go to dinner?" People should be careful what they see on social media - it's not always what you think.

However much I have been hurt about birthdays in the past, I am having some realizations as we move through this pandemic together. Some that I believe will alleviate some of this unhealthy pain. 

Or, maybe these feelings are here now in combination of not just the pandemic, but also because last year was my last "big" birthday?

Anyway.... before the pandemic, I lived and breathed by my printed calendar. It was an open-face calendar that displayed an entire month at a glance. Every December I would go through the new year's calendar and re-write all my friends birthdays down, or dates I wanted to remember for my friends - deathversary of loved ones, anniversaries, etc. 

When the pandemic started, I took that calendar home, but I didn't open it. Back at my desk in my office, I would keep it open to remind me of what important date was coming up for others. I would see it every day. Now, though, it's in a drawer in my kitchen. I simply just didn't open it for days, and that turned into weeks, and then months. And what did I find out? It's okay to not remember others' birthdays. And I FEEL okay not to remember birthdays.

It slapped me in the face that if one doesn't write down someone's birthday or have the want to remember other's birthdays, of course they wont remember it. It's nothing personal. It doesn't mean they don't love me or you. I went about 9 months without telling anyone Happy Birthday last year. At first, I honestly felt guilty because that's not who I am. But, I think I want to change that. Maybe I'm a little spiteful, but I think I need to stop trying to make others feel good about their birthdays, and just be okay with not being that person who always remembers birthdays, or reaches out on tough anniversaries, etc. It's not my responsibility to tell people Happy Birthday or be the one to remember when their loved one passed and how tough a certain day may be. Yes, I love to help people and want to make them feel remembered and special - it's a passion of mine - but it's okay if I don't. They have others around them to celebrate birthdays or give them hugs on tough days.

When I whine about birthdays, I start to think about my friend Dave. He wasn't close to any of his family members and hardly anyone knew when his birthday was. Did he care? He said he didn't. He could care less. It was just another day for him, all those 60-some years.

I wish I had that type of gene. 

Honestly, I do feel ashamed I took my birthdays so personal. No one is responsible for my life but me. My anti-depressant (of two years) has also helped my brain from taking things so personal. I wish I would have started this medication YEARS ago. It really has helped my chemical imbalance and I no longer cry in a corner wondering why I'm not hearing from people (seriously).

My apologies for whining and showing my true, deep feelings - it is pretty pathetic and it's something I should not EVER be concerned about again, right? 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Well, I think I've had a breakthrough!

I am about to have another birthday in literally a week and I could care less to hear from anyone. And I am okay! Because I no longer have any milestone birthdays for anyone to forget/remember AND because I went through almost 9 months literally finally understanding the myth of birthdays, it hasn't crossed my mind once about my birthday and others in a week. Of course, I don't have to be disappointed no one asks me to dinner because we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? lol.

But, I really do feel different. 

I feel so differently after having these epiphanies about birthdays this past year, I almost don't want to post all of this; it doesn't seem to be 'me' anymore. But, it's okay to be vulnerable and honest. And it's okay to share feelings.

And don't worry - I still care for others and show it. It is a passion of mine, like I said. And I like to reach out to others to try and help during tough times or when something special happens. But, I just no longer focus so much on contacting people on certain dates. 

But, oh, hey, if I missed your birthday, Happy Birthday!

Thankful for 2020

I have a "closed" personal blog and over there I at times at the end of some years wrote what I was thankful for as the year came to a close.

It was really cool to read the memories. So, I am going to do a Thankful for 2020 here:

1. God. First and foremast God has looked out for me more this year than I think He ever has. Well, at least it feels that way. Almost to the last day of 2020 I was telling Him thank you for being there for me (and Lily). It's been a rough year with her, but he has looked over us so many times!
2. Teleworking. I'm so blessed with my job that we get to telework. Being we are in the midst of a pandemic (never thought I'd say that in my life), we could no longer go into the office safely. My work before had not allowed telework, but the pandemic pushed the issue. But, besides being blessed that we get to telework (which at times pains me because so many others are out of jobs), I have found I LOVE teleworking. So many reasons to list, really:
1. More relaxing.
2. No commute (ie can roll out of bed and be at work in 5 minutes).
3. Not getting upset as much with coworkers.
4. Getting to know people better throughout the agency because video calls are now a must. I've seen people in the past year I had never seen before teleworking was mandatory.
5. Self Esteem. There I said it. I don't have to worry about what people think of a little weight gain, or messy hair, or bad eyebrows, or how my clothes fit. There's something to be said about feeling comfortable and having those less worries every single day.
6. Less stress due to not having to drive and deal with traffic or bad drivers.
7. Get to work even when I'm exhausted. Difficult to explain, but when I don't get enough sleep it was tough to go into work. Being in telework status, I can wait to the very last minute to get up to start my work day. 
8. More quality time with Lily. We walk almost every single morning (and in the evenings as well). She gets outside and so do I. One of my top coping mechanisms for sure.
3. Parents. I still remain thankful and grateful that I learned to be so independent from my parents. I'm also referring to handyman things. It's pretty cool to be able to take care and fix of a lot of things around the house due to learning lessons from my parents.
4. AA Friend. My previous therapist late last year told me that the people in AA have their 'own language' and they understand things that non-using friends would understand. I was like, whatever. However, I was blessed to attend several AA meetings with friend and one night I befriended a lady (Cindy) and we went to dinner a few times before the pandemic. And, we have kept in touch since. We recently have met up a few times to walk in parks, which is nice to do with a friend. I text her things I don't express to anyone else, because as a fellow alcoholic, she understands and relates. My therapist was right. And I'm grateful for asking Cindy to go to dinner, even though I didn't know her. We have become great friends and we are there for each other and learn from each other. 
5. Lily's Attack. The evening Lily was attacked by two dogs will be with us forever. You can read it all here if you wish. Although the event was traumatic and brutal, there were a lot of blessings to it, really. 
1. First, I know being in the middle of and witnessing Lily being attacked will help me help someone in the future.
2. If Lily was a smaller dog she would have died.
3. The Blue Healers did not clip any veins or organs, luckily!
4. If the dogs were larger and more aggressive, Lily would not be alive. 
5. Lily was not murdered. I know God was looking out for both of us because had she of died, I wouldn't be sane or doing well at all. 
6. I also am thankful for feeling everything. It's difficult to describe, but in the past, I'd just drink all my emotions and not really feel anything. I was truly thankful to God to feel pain, hurt, guilt, unconditional love, un-closure, anger, depression, nightmares, confusion, PTSD, etc. I know that going through all those emotions is a sign of the right direction for my sobriety. 
6. Mentor. I asked a colleague that I barely knew, but was very impressed with, if he would be my mentor. He said yes! On the second conf call, it was only a week into the pandemic and I was NOT doing well. Very anxious and stressed. I wanted to cancel our call, but told myself to keep the commitment. It turns out he gave me such GREAT advice. My shoulders immediately felt like a weight lifted and what I learned I was able to pass on to others. During the pandemic, we all needed some help, whether we knew it or not. Further, after Lily was attacked by two dogs in August, I again wanted to postpone our planned monthly call. But, turns out he had a traumatic event in his life and he understood deeply what I was going through and understood about my PTSD. He gave me great advice, because of his past experience. It was quite amazing just how perfectly he has fit into my life at just the right time. (See? Lord looking after me.)
7. Coach. I signed up to help a lady get some credits to become a life coach. Honestly, I did it because I thought I could help her. I have a pretty unique life and thought it'd be cool to help her. Well, instead, she has helped me! I would recommend her to everyone - she has been phenomenal, even with listening to me cry a lot (ha). Again, right time, right place for me.
8. Therapist. Yes, I also have a therapist. Within three days of Lily getting attacked by two dogs, I knew I needed help. I was a blubbering mess. I am so proud of myself for reaching out! Turns out she is also helpful for grief and addiction, so we have a lot of great talks ahead of us!
9. Lily Girl. During these telework months, and of course after the attack, I have come to deeply recognize just how much of an impact she has made on my life. I realize now that I would not have made it so well the last 8 years without her. Further, my life revolves around her and I know that I would not be doing so good with my mental capacity without her. The idea to be alone in this house or walking alone in parks, or running errands without her jumping into the car all excited, pains me to even think about. She is truly my life saver.
10. Neighbors. I sure have been blessed with good neighbors. Patricia and Mickey really care about me (and Lily) and it's nice to feel like I'm kinda part of their family. On the other side, my new neighbors are good people and we help each other a lot when we do yard work.
11. Friends. I reached out to many friends when Lily was attacked and I felt so cared for and that they truly loved Lily and I. It was beautiful to feel. 
12. Zero Interest. Because there were a lot of 0% interest offers out there for cars. I took advantage and bought a new car! It was cool to buy a 2020 vehicle and yet my payments went down :) 
13. Disney+. I don't have an internet provider at home so I never have ordered anything that needed the Internet (like Hulu, Netflix, etc). However, I changed cell phone providers in June and it came with a year free of Disney+. Granted, I have seen 80% of the movies already, so I wasn't too impressed or excited. However, I bought a connection to my phone for my tv and can play the movies from Disney+ from my phone on to my tv screen. So, I have watched it more and more lately. Further, I am LOVING that I can watch all the "extras" that come with the movies. Like gag reels, or how they film certain scenes or deleted scenes. I am so intrigued with those things! I dare say I might miss Disney+ when it expires in June.
14. Turning 50. Well, not just because I made it to 50 years old, lol, but because I celebrated with a really cool idea - an outdoor birthday smash phot shoot! I did the photoshoot in the Fall before my birthday so I sat on the exciting concept for MONTHS! It was tough! lol. But come my birthday, I shared these photos on my social media accounts and at work (which they don't normally see this side of me so it was quite a vulnerable thing for me share). I am close with my doctors (gyno, primary, vet, orthodontist, and botox lady) and I was so excited to share the photos with them! I loved every minute of planning the photoshoot, doing the photoshoot, and sharing the photos with so many people afterwards! 
15. Dog Lovers. I can't say enough about all the vets and vet assistants who have helped me in the last few months. The vet and assistant who did Lily's 50 stitches, her normal Vet who is helping us with a mass in Lily's chest, to the ASPCA Poison Control folks, to all the ladies who answered the phone and were able to calm me down and help me through so many of the worrying and over-reacting events that have happened in the last few months. 
16. Walking in Parks. I have walked in a park every single weekend that the weather is nice. I can't begin to express how much it helps me to be outdoors, surrounded by nature and beauty, and loving to be alive. My Instagram account is flooded with nature pics from the walks, lol. During the week I am looking up places for Lily and I go to (or just me if it's too hot or too cold). Her and I even took a mini-vacation to Dinosaur Valley State Park in early August and boy was it needed, memorable, and AMAZING!  We walked IN and along the Paluxy River for hours! It was a great 3 day vacation. GREAT.