Everyone Handles Depression Differently

I find it so intriguing how people differ how they handle depression.

One of my friends recently went through an unexpected break up.  She was posting on Facebook that she needed to get out of the house and be around friends.  I think she even went to Seattle for New Years, and has reached out and literally "announced" she needs to be around friends and do more with people because she's depressed.

I find it so strange, lol.

Another friend of mine goes through depression during the holidays and he seems to always reach out to me when he's depressed.  "I'm sure you aren't doing well either, but know you aren't alone."

Fascinating!

The reason with I am intrigued, fascinated and find these things strange is because when I am depressed my brain acts exactly opposite.  I don't reach out to anyone and those type of thoughts don't even cross my mind.  Not even a glancing blow!

After my friends find out I had been depressed, they tell me, "Um, you know you can call me when you are depressed."

And I look at them like they are crazy, because my mind is chemically not configured to even consider reaching out when I'm depressed.

Seriously.  Nothing like the even remotely crosses my mind.  I don't reach out to people and tell them, "hey, I'm depressed."  

I try to tell my friends that my brain seriously doesn't even consider any such options.  I just keep to myself until the depression finally lifts.  I can't control any of it, honestly.  I have found reading uplifting words of encouragement helps me, but otherwise, depression kind of controls any thinking process of what I should or could be doing differently than just being... well... depressed.

I have been clinically depressed at times and luckily they are few and far between, but any type of depression I go through just doesn't lead to me reaching out.

I don't like to be depressed because I don't think about anyone.  I mean, I don't think of my own needs either, but I also don't think of my friends.  And friends who could use some pick-me-up or a vote of confidence or maybe a surprise gift or memory.

I was pretty badly depressed in September due to an accident I had, and I was pretty upset with myself after the depression lifted.  You see, I didn't reach out to any friends for their birthdays like I would normally do, I didn't reach out to them during tough days (like a deathversary), and just wasn't there for them like I normally am unexpectedly for my friends when I'm non-depressed.

I was so disappointed in myself.  I mean, most things I do for my friends are thoughtful and unexpected things, but it still made me mad at myself.  The depression got in my way to be there for them! 

But, the fact of the matter is when I am depressed my brain doesn't think straight.  And I don't think of anyone - not friends, not myself, no one.  

So, to see how others act so "outgoing" or "self-less" when they are depressed is intriguing to me, lol.

(note:  and yes, I have tried anti-depressants.  The ones I tried didn't work but I also don't want to be dependent on any drug, anyway.)

What a Clean House Means to Me

I've noticed the last few months my personality has changed.  It's due to several things, so can't really pinpoint it to one reason.

But here is one part I've noticed a major change (which I like):

Although I live alone and hardly have any visitors, it's very easy for me to never pick up around the house until I /do/ get a visitor.

But lately I have noticed I want my house looking better all the time.  I don't want crap on the counters or table until someone comes to visit.  I prefer to even have my closet cleaned up right away.

It seems my procrastination part of my personality has definitely changed along with this.  Instead of putting off picking up, I actually WANT to clean up and have my house looking less cluttered and "spacious" all the time.

I recall reading this article a while back about how when we are depressed we tend to be "messier" and when we aren't depressed we tend to clean more and keep things nice around the house.  The article is spot on.

Hell, even with ourselves.  Depressed people barely shower and put off washing our hair, doing laundry, etc for as long as we can.

I do wonder if part of me wanting the house less cluttered is because I have more time on my hands.  I am not spending time out drinking, not spending time hungover, and so I honestly have more free time.

Also, when coming home drunk, you kinda spew your clothes everywhere in your room and closet.  Shoes are in one area, sock another, shirt and jeans lay on the floor from some weird path you wobbled along.  And then the next day or later that day you feel too badly to even think of bending over and picking things up.

Several days in a week or a couple of weeks and the areas on the floors just get piled up with things.

I hate to even write this out, but I know I'm not the only one.

So, I am thinking that the cleaner, less cluttered, picked-up house is my visual progress of my changing ways.  I have more energy and time and I love having the house not just visitor-ready, but ME ready.  I definitely feel happier and even more at peace looking around at a less-cluttered house I adore living in.

Sticking Alone During Depression

I mentioned to a friend of mine a few weeks ago that I was depressed.  Her response was, "Well, why didn't you reach out to me?  You know you can call at any time."

It got me thinking.... and made me realize.... that all the times I've been depressed, I never reach out to anyone.

When we are depressed we don't think, "dang, I sure want to call someone."

No.

We actually don't want to call anyone at all.  Sometimes we wont even answer the phone if we are too deep in depression.  So, why would it possibly cross my mind to call someone to talk?  We don't even think to call a friend to go hang out.  It's just not what we think about or how we feel when we are depressed.

We might eventually realize we need to seek advice or help after months or years, but at first and for awhile, we are too busy feeling bad/sad/depressed to even think of reaching out to friends for some relief or distraction.

Depression is a "lone disease."  We want to be alone. 

Perspective on Purpose

I've been having a tough time lately.

Back to my old self of feeling like I have no purpose.  Could really care if I live or die, honestly.

Even though I have a lot of cool, different things going on, I still have no desire or care to live.

Don't worry, I'm not getting out the wrist-cutting sharp objects, but I can tell you I'm not scared to die at all if something weird like a car accident happens.  I even envision driving off a bridge, lol.

So, imagine my confusion when I'm talking to a friend who has throat cancer.  As Sophia on the Golden Girls would say, "Picture This:"

• He has no family.  AT ALL (no children or living parents or relatives)
• He literally lives out of his van
• Funds are being raised so he can at least be in a hotel while he gets treatment, but those funds will be used up in a month.  (he needs a clean place and electricity to use his pumps and feeding tube)
• He has no job, and barely gets by, except with the occasional winning of a weekly pool tournament 
• He literally owns only the clothes he's wearing (which don't fit him any more), and he has no valuables or keepsakes.

And here is this man in his late 50s or early 60s telling me he's going to fight.  He's not giving up. 

Even hearing all that, still doesn't give me the desire to look forward to life and living, but for some reason, he has more spirit than I do.  And he has about 99% less things than I do.  And not just physical things, but other "things" - I have good friends, great job, projects I'm working on, trips coming up, etc.

I really have a great life.  People would kill to have this life.  And yet.... I don't care to fight to live lately.

Down Before Up

While I don't finish reading many books, I do start them, lol.  And some of the most highly recommended have all started out very similar from the different authors:

They were at the depths of depression... yet, not even any further down to go - they were at the last depths, barely even surviving or living, or wanting to live.  For years, usually not getting out of bed or in some halfway house full of despair and loss for life.

Then all of a sudden something happened to them and their thoughts.  And those "new" and inspiring thoughts turned their lives around, and now the lives of others as they write about their new found way of thinking.  Passing it on to others via word of mouth at first, then public speaking, then to the books I tried to read.

Both stories started out the same, even though the result was also the same ("inner peace" is what I will call it).  And while each concept to get to inner peace was remarkably different, the point is they started out for a very long time at the depths of despair and then somehow climbed out with calmness and peacefulness, reaching through the cobwebs of depression to bring them on this new path of thought. 

I felt this way recently.  While not quite super depressed like I have been in the past (clinically depressed), I was having a miserable time a couple of weeks ago.  Laying in bed crying and unhappy.  I know part of the reason is due to being pre-menopausal, it was still almost paralyzing.

And then, I read a few things from my phone that kinda changed my thinking.  And while I can't recall exactly what I read (some articles about recovery, tho), it made me think differently.  And then I all of a sudden decided to climb out of bed and go do what I love to do.  And not let outside influences affect my great life, and go and enjoy the great life I have.

My depths were not as deep as the authors obviously, but I too noticed a HUGE difference after that "down to up."  I was more talkative to strangers, laughed more, funnier on Facebook, making jokes with people I didn't know, being more friendly.

I really LIKED that person in me.

Usually she only comes out at the poker table, where I feel like I'm "in my element" (comfy), but this time I was in Vegas having fun and joking and making others smile (which in turn made me smile of course).  I was talking and laughing and smiling more to the dealers and waiters.  I don't know where this person was before - I haven't really seen her in many years.  Don't even remember what she looked like honestly.  But, I loved the way she FELT!

Because I don't get out much I don't get to see this side of me/her, I've noticed I need to "remember" I can actually laugh and smile.  Sometimes even force a smile at work when I'm tired - because just last week I was all personality.  I can still be that person even when tired, right?  While not an extrovert naturally, it is in me.

I hope she isn't going away.  I really liked that about me/her and had so much fun!  And those around me were smiling and laughing, too!  It made me so happy!

That's It?

I was talking to a friend of mine back in early March, and I had mentioned that since I started and now run the Omega Billiards Tour, that it kind of saved me: It gave me a sense of purpose.  Whereas the last 4 years I didn't really have a purpose or felt like I had one.  When I took care of my Mom the last 4 years of her life, I had MAJOR purpose.  After she passed, I didn't have any purpose anymore.

When you don't have a purpose in life, you walk aimlessly on earth.  You have no direction and therefore no spark of life, no desire to live, and no need to live. 

It wasn't something easy to share with him because it kind of exposed just what a deep and dark time I had been going through the last 4-5 years.

It's funny because when I said that I was pretty proud of myself (pumps fits on chest) because I really had come such a long way.

And after I told him proudly the Omega Tour gave me purpose, he looked at me and said, “that's it?”

It's really weird to be excited about something so important (esp such as this) and then someone kind of downplays it.

You see, I was barely surviving.  I didn’t even feel like living at times.  So to me, having a purpose again in life was a good thing.  Yet, in his eyes, “that's really all you're doing?  That's really all you're doing that's giving you purpose?"

Um, YES.  That was huge for me to be living again!  To FEEL like living again.   And running the Tour gave me that feeling after such a long time of being depressed and grieving.

After that exchange I got to thinking... he's right!  I should be doing more.  I should be helping more.  Being more productive; more helpful; being there for others; doing more for others; doing more for me.

So I thought of all these ideas of things that I've always wanted to do, things that were in the cobwebs of the back of my mind…. but didn't have the desire or commitment or even the energy to do them when I took my “hiatus from living.”  They were pushed back into the depths of my virtual “maybe to-do” list of things that maybe I thought I wanted to do.

I think that a lot of times we just go through life and don't think about what we want or what we want to do.

And I think that when we are grieving and extremely depressed (or clinically depressed), the last thing we feel like doing or have the energy to do is the things on our virtual, internal to-do-list.

And after taking 4-5 years from truly living, when you start to live again, you start to see things in a different light/way.

And while I'm still struggling to survive on some days still, I do want to give back to others and do more.

What are some of these things on my list?

Here's a short little list of things I’m been passionate about and recently started since "that's it?" :

• Giving pool lessons (already started) 
• Taking on a more active role in the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care (I’m a board member)
• Donating more (already started)
• Being involved in the volunteer program at my work building (looking into it just this week)
• Get back into mediation (already started) 

Down the road:

• Public Speaking for End-of-Life-Care 
• Take some self-help classes

It’s crazy how a simple comment from someone can make such a profound effect on one’s life.

Mother's Day Selfishness

Really disappointed in myself already this week.

I stayed in town this past weekend for Mother's Day instead of fleeing the state like I normally do.  It was the FIRST weekend I stayed in town at home since my dear, lovely Mom has passed 4 1/2 years ago.

And it was BRUTAL.

I did survive (whew!), but I sure wish I was anywhere else but in town near the house I shared with my Mom during Mother's Day weekend.

But, I'm disappointed because I became a hermit.

I even deactivated Facebook for the first time in my life last weekend.  I seriously could not handle all the posts about Mom's.  It was too much for my heart.

I got a few texts, which was nice, but I didn't respond to any of them until Monday morning.  One friend, she asked me where I was and why I didn't respond, I replied, "I wasn't talking to anyone until this morning."

But, I'm more so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't there for my friends who were having a tough time on Mother's Day, too.
 
I pride myself in using the trials and tribulations in my life to help others.  And that did not happen this past weekend.  Instead of reaching out to others who were in pain, I was selfish.  And I hate that in me.  I hate that's who I was this past weekend.  But, I embarrassingly admit I was barely surviving.

A few friends who have lost their Moms last year, it was their first Mother's Day without their Mom.  Instead of sending them thoughtful, understanding, loving notes on their Facebook posts, I was nowhere to be found.  I wasn't there for them. 

And, while I made it through the weekend, the hermit in me still lingering (dang it).  A couple of friends wanted to talk last night, and I just couldn't yet get up enough energy or fight to even talk yet or try to be there for someone else right now.  I feel SO badly about it.  But, I am still depressed trying to get out of the fog from the sad feelings from the tough weekend.  And when I am depressed, I just don't want to talk to anyone.  I only care to hear from and respond to the one person that can make me smile, otherwise, I just turn into a hermit and recluse, and hide from the world. 

I miss my Mom more than anything.  I know that means that I have deep love for her, but it's almost unfathomable how much her death still affects me and paralyzes me at times.

I keep hearing how others can relate.  Can you?  To have no family left, no roommate, no siblings, no no one, can you really relate to that?  Tired of people comparing their life to mine and saying they understand when unless you are standing in my worn-out shoes of life, please.just.don't.

Anyway, hoping the fog of depression lifts soon.  It's felt SOOO nice to smile and actually be happy this year, and I hope for it's triumphant return any day now!  And, then, I can go back to being there and helping others.

Start Living Life (quote)

Saw this quote the other day. 

Love it. 

And what a great reminder for peeps who are going through things, that while it takes time, at some point from grieving, pain, and loss, that it's ok to eventually start living again: 

She was going to stop mourning the life she didn’t have and celebrate the one she did.

Sharing Sadness from the Past?

I think I got used to telling people my sad life story.

Found my Dad passed away.
Mom was very sick and I took care of her the last 4 years of her life.
She passed away - my reason for living.
Then my biological Dad passed away.
I'm only child, so now I am have no one left.

It's a real sad, drab story.  I live alone, no roommate, or siblings and now no relatives left.

Just me.

Luckily I have God and my love (Lily, a ferocious white pitbull).

But as I tell my sob story to others, they all show empathy and can relate sometimes on some level.  Want to hug me (even strangers), want to adopt me, etc.  They are pained by my heartbreaks.

And then one day I was swapping sad stories with a lady I had just met at dinner and she finally says, "stop, there's really not more is there?  That's enough sad talk."

It dawned on me right then and there that while I have been eager to share my woes and my "look at all the bad things that have happened to me" stories with others, maybe they don't want to hear it.

Maybe, just maybe, they would rather I talk about what a loving child I was, or how I was raised in the Hill Country along the Frio River, or that I have a great job that I love, or that I'm a State and National Billiards Champion.

All these years of pain all I wanted to do was share my heartache.  Get some sympathy or empathy, I guess.  It was what I lived and breathed every day so it was what I wanted to talk about.  Instead, it makes sense: why would anyone want to hear about so much pain?

Sure, share with me your heartache and I can relate with all that has happened in my life.  But what if we swap awesome stories instead?  What if I never even mention how horrible my holidays are again to anyone?  What if I just share all the blessings in my life and STOP with the insistent sharing of all the loss and deaths and sadness for the last 7 years?

Grief Quote

After the passing of my Mom, things kept getting worse.  Not just her death, which the grief paralyzed me for almost 2 years straight, but other things in my life added on to to my depression.  Things so so much worse when you are already grieving badly.

So when I read this today, it really resonated with me:

“For me suffering is staying alive.”

I don't have much purpose anymore in my life.  My Mom was my last real purpose to live for.  And she passed in August 2011.

Are You Worried? Eckhart Tolle Quote

Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? The mind projects itself into an imaginary future situation and creates fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. It's a mental phantom.

Ask yourself what "problem" you have right now, not next year, tomorrow, or five minutes from now. What is wrong with this moment? 

 --Eckhart Tolle

Quote - Walk and Happiness

"A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world."
        - Paul Dudley White