My House is now a Home

Sometimes it hits me, I own a house.

It's not that I just own a house, it's that I own a house on my own.  It's a tad scary to realize - am I that much of an adult? lol.

I don't have anyone to lean on or go through with things, so doing it all alone is at times uncomfortable, but also empowering and proud.  And of course if I have questions or need advice, I ask coworkers or friends or look things up online.

And luckily, I learned A LOT from my Dad about how to fix things around the house. And of course, we learn from watching and so I learned from him and my Mom growing up about general things around the home.

I have lived in many apartments over the last 30 years, and also in 2 rental homes.

The first house I owned I had with my ex-husband.  We didn't really do too much to it - just made sure of the upkeep.

And then I bought this house in 2009. My Mom lived with me until her passing in 2011.  I never had any concerns or fears those two years - if something came up, I would just ask my Mom what to do.

After 2011,  I didn't really do anything to the house except change filters and upkeep of the yard.  And in my many days/years of laying in bed most of the day with hangovers, the last thing I felt like doing was getting out of that bed and doing anything around the house.

Now, things have completely changed.

I few things triggered the change.

First, I interviewed my friend Rachel for a magazine I contribute to, and in the piece she said this that really hit home for me and changed my outlook on my house.

"Going into real estate was a natural transition for me.  I love to help people see the potential in a property – and to watch them turn it into a place they love to be.  This is particularly true because I’m essentially an introvert – so to me, my home is the place I feel the most relaxed and nourished.  It’s incredibly satisfying to help other people find that home that feeds them in that same way."

And shortly after that, I read somewhere to make your house feel freash and new, just move some furniture and pictures to change things up to make it look new/different.

So, I started to look around at my house and wanted to change things, move things, DO things.

And finally, because I don't drink anymore, I have more time, energy, and passion to be more productive around the house.  It's no longer an-upkeep, it's more of a how can I make this feel like home and more relaxed.

I have a rock garden now and even trim the shrubs. Sounds finny, but I only mowed and edged the yard, the first 8 years - did nothing to the trees or shrubs.  Now, the front part of my landscape looks good.

I installed an upgraded faucet in my kitchen. OMG do I love it!  So much more functional and pretty!  I also installed (on my own) a new garbage disposal. I was without a working one for over a year and then bought one after the success of my garage sale in May, and installed it my own little self :)  I also filled and sealed the gap between my patio and foundation (now adding pebbles to it!).  These are just a few of many changes/upgrades/improvements I've made.

At that garage sale, I was able to sell a lot of furniture.  In the last several months I have rearranged the furniture that's left and now I have less things near windows (let the sun shine in!).  I've also swapped some furniture between upstairs and downstairs for more functionality for storing things.

Further, the decluttering that came naturally to get ready for the garage sale helps me have even less in the house and it looks so much better!

And finally, I have made some small changes that make for a more productive and 'easy' daily routine as I go through my house throughout the days.  Simple, but impactful, things that make my life easier and less stressful. For example, like adding a shelf to my bathroom, figuring out changes to my dining room so I can walk around the table without squeezing between things, rearranging my closet so I can reach things without stretching around badly-placed furniture, etc.

Rachel was correct - I feel more relaxed, love coming home to a pretty, more-organized home.  And it feeds my soul to walk in and love it.

P.S. And I have a ton more plans - I've just started!

Great Quote/Reminder about Living in the Present

I keep this small, but powerful, daily meditation book handy in my house, and I read it pretty often, "Just For Today."

It's from NA, not AA, but of course the lessons are the same for any addiction. The full title is "Just for Today: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts by Narcotics Anonymous World Services"

I love picking it up and searching for the current date and then absorbing that days' words.

What I want to share today is the helpful words from the page for January 19th.  The title immediately grabbed me and impacted me:

"When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably."

It's so true, right?!

I just loved that sentence so much - it is worded (to me personally) in such a very powerful way. I actually have a to-do note to print this quote and put it on my bathroom mirror as a great every morning reminder!

And I'm sharing this several months later because I really need to listen to these words this week, as my mind is racing about future unknowns at work and I'm getting depressed about it. Already helping!

Here is the full page:

Making mountains into molehills, January 19

"When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably."
Basic Text, p. 99

Some of us seem to make mountains out of molehills with our problems. Even those of us who've found some measure of serenity have probably blown a problem far out of proportion at some time in our recovery and if we haven't done so yet, we probably will before long!

When we find ourselves obsessed with a complication in our lives, we will do well to sharply remind ourselves of all that is going right. Perhaps we're afraid we won't be able to pay our bills for the month. lnstead of sitting at the calculator, adding our financial liabilities over and over, we can take stock of our efforts to reduce expenses. Following this mini-inventory, we continue with the task at hand and remind ourselves that as long as we are doing the footwork, a loving Higher Power will care for our lives.

Mountain-sized problems happen sometimes, but we don't need to create them. Trust in a loving God of our understanding will put most of our problems in their proper perspective. We no longer need to create chaos to feel excited about our lives. Our recovery gives us countless real-life opportunities for excitement and drama.


Just for today: I will take a realistic look at my problems and see that most of them are minor. I will leave them that way and enjoy my recovery.

Jealous of Drinkers?

I went to On The Border Tuesday night.

And it was a very different visit for me.

You see, this was one of several On The Borders (OTB) that I used to go to when I was drinking.  I'm talking down 4 large margaritas at a time type drinking, over dinner.  I haven't been to OTB but one other time in the last 14 months since I stopped drinking.

I still sat in the bar area - when one goes solo it's less comfortable to sit in the bar area because there are a ton of TVs to watch while you're sitting by your lonesome, lol.

As I sat there in my booth eating chips and salsa, waiting for my enchiladas, I was watching others in the bar area.  I am very perceptive anyway, so it wasn't out of the norm for me to pay attention.

What I noticed was how many people were at the bar who knew each other.  They would smile and raise their margaritas to each other from across the way, or raise their draft beer mug to say their hellos.  Further, every new person or couple that walked in to sit down already knew the bartenders.  "Hey, how you been?!"  And catch up real quick, while the bartender started to pour their "usual."

I think it was happy hour - and I figure they were routine drinkers that go in about that time.  

I used to be one of these people.  Not a "happy hour" person, but one who routinely went to certain restaurants to drink while eating at the bar, and so I would know all the bartenders and waitresses, too.  They became my friends.  Not acquaintances you'd see at your favorite restaurants.  I mean the type of friends you see so often you eventually swap cell numbers or add them on Facebook type of friends.  Yes, that was how often I'd go - the bartenders became my friends.

So, how did I feel this night?  Was I uncomfortable, or what?

One of the fears of sobriety is that you no longer have fun.  And I can tell you I used to have that fear as well and no it's not even remotely true at all lol.  And I have found that us sober people actually have more meaningful laughs - when we laugh it's not a reactionary type of laugh because one is drinking, it's a deep-down, feel it in your tummy type of laugh.  Difficult to describe.

Anyway, first off I had no desire to order a margarita at all.  That is pretty huge for me, since I used to drink here often and abundantly.  

Secondly, as I recall now from my previous sober visit to OTB in the summer, the food wasn't as good as I remembered, lol.  I guess alcohol kinda enhances the taste or something?  I used to only have a few nibbles of rice left on my empty plate while I ordered my 3rd/4th margarita.  These last two visits I barely finished my first of two enchiladas.  (alcohol really does make you more hungry, lol).

Thirldy, I wasn't jealous of the friendships or wished I was sitting at the bar among all the "friends."  You see, my bartender friends are still my friends!  They just aren't at this restaurant.  I still go to other restaurants, sit at the bar, and gab with my bartender friends.  We have just as much fun as the drinkers I saw Tuesday night, except of course I'm not spending as much money, remember every convo, and aren't drinking and driving.  There's those cool things :)

So, no I wasn't uncomfy at all, or wished I was drinking, or even jealous they were drinking.  My thoughts were on how I wished I'd of gone with my instinct to go to a different Mexican restaurant lol because of the taste of the food.  Oh, and taking fun photos for my social media accounts:

My enchiladas were smiling at me!

Happiness is an Inside Job

As cliché as it sounds, Happiness really is an inside job.

A few times over the last 12 months I have heard that some people think they are affecting my happiness.  Or, they think I'm looking for happiness in them.  But it confuses me because only I can provide happiness to myself, no one else.

The key, of course, is inner peace. 

Finding inner peace leads to happiness. 

Sure, some things can make us feel happier, but usually external things lead to only temporary happiness.  It's internal peace that leads to the true source of happiness.

Obviously, this isn't easy to find inner peace or even live by it on a daily basis.  But what I do know is, happiness is an inside job.

So, if you are looking for happiness in others, try looking instead in the mirror.  Dig deep within yourself, instead.  Peace provides happiness.

Recovery Process

Loved this quote I read yesterday, so wanted to share.  It's spot on:

"And what's perhaps the most vital fact about alcoholism: understanding that recovery is an ongoing process. "There are many different statistics, but the bottom line is it's extremely common to need multiple quit attempts in order to quit, and also different modalities," De Filippo says. "Some people do well with meetings, some people do well with individual therapy, others do well with rehab, but it's normal for it to take more than one try. It's like anything else — you can't become good at something by just doing it once. It's something you have to keep working on."

Feelings 100%

I was talking to a therapist-type person today and something hit me like a bolt of lightning. 

While I comprehend that drinking masks our problems or issues temporarily, it is still a go-to reason to drink and helps with not thinking about our issues, even for a little bit.

It just not dawned on me, though, that this past year sober I have dealt with all my issues myself.  Ie, without alcohol.  And quite honestly, that's tough.

While I have had a really good year, there has been a few REALLY bad times and I am experiencing all of those feelings 100%.... without blurring the feelings (even temporarily) with alcohol.

Not drinking is an exceptional thing for me, but it also means these rough patches are actually hitting me harder than usual because I'm not replacing/masking/hiding them with drinking.  Instead, I'm feeling every emotion and thought and heartache very true and raw, without any disturbance (drinking).

I need to stop being so rough on myself when I get depressed.  I'm dealing with it without any mind altering effects.  And, quite honestly that's tough.  And new for me.

But, I'm up for the task!

I'm just glad I had this enlightening moment today about this.  I think it will help me during the holidays - a really rough part of every year for me.

365 Days Ago

Today is a pretty badass day.

When woke up this morning, it's been exactly one year since I had alcohol.

I can't even express all the benefits that this choice has garnered me!

But let me state some ofof t most impactful benefits:

My memory has improved significantly, my productivity at work has soared, I'm sleeping better, I'm saving money like crazy, I have more meaningful, memorable and ever-present conversations with my dear friends, I have more energy (that's why I've been walking in so many parks this past year) and I'm overall so much happier.

People have told me often this past year I look very happy (happier than they've seen me in a long time), and now you know the reason why - because I made this important decision 365 days ago.

Pretty freaking proud of myself!!

What a Clean House Means to Me

I've noticed the last few months my personality has changed.  It's due to several things, so can't really pinpoint it to one reason.

But here is one part I've noticed a major change (which I like):

Although I live alone and hardly have any visitors, it's very easy for me to never pick up around the house until I /do/ get a visitor.

But lately I have noticed I want my house looking better all the time.  I don't want crap on the counters or table until someone comes to visit.  I prefer to even have my closet cleaned up right away.

It seems my procrastination part of my personality has definitely changed along with this.  Instead of putting off picking up, I actually WANT to clean up and have my house looking less cluttered and "spacious" all the time.

I recall reading this article a while back about how when we are depressed we tend to be "messier" and when we aren't depressed we tend to clean more and keep things nice around the house.  The article is spot on.

Hell, even with ourselves.  Depressed people barely shower and put off washing our hair, doing laundry, etc for as long as we can.

I do wonder if part of me wanting the house less cluttered is because I have more time on my hands.  I am not spending time out drinking, not spending time hungover, and so I honestly have more free time.

Also, when coming home drunk, you kinda spew your clothes everywhere in your room and closet.  Shoes are in one area, sock another, shirt and jeans lay on the floor from some weird path you wobbled along.  And then the next day or later that day you feel too badly to even think of bending over and picking things up.

Several days in a week or a couple of weeks and the areas on the floors just get piled up with things.

I hate to even write this out, but I know I'm not the only one.

So, I am thinking that the cleaner, less cluttered, picked-up house is my visual progress of my changing ways.  I have more energy and time and I love having the house not just visitor-ready, but ME ready.  I definitely feel happier and even more at peace looking around at a less-cluttered house I adore living in.

Asking for help might be the strongest thing you ever do

Excerpt from this article:

LOVE this:

"It's like a mirror, it really is," Leaf said Thursday on The Afternoon Show with Tim Cowlishaw and Matt Mosley on KESN 103.3 FM. "I listen to and hear stuff that's being said and what's going on and it's like a mirror for me. I can relate to so many things ... There's a solution. There always is but it's so hard to see when you're on this pedestal and [think] you don't need help. You don't need to be vulnerable because you're a big, strong football player and help means [being] weak. It doesn't. Asking for help might be the strongest thing you ever do...."