Mother's Day Selfishness

Really disappointed in myself already this week.

I stayed in town this past weekend for Mother's Day instead of fleeing the state like I normally do.  It was the FIRST weekend I stayed in town at home since my dear, lovely Mom has passed 4 1/2 years ago.

And it was BRUTAL.

I did survive (whew!), but I sure wish I was anywhere else but in town near the house I shared with my Mom during Mother's Day weekend.

But, I'm disappointed because I became a hermit.

I even deactivated Facebook for the first time in my life last weekend.  I seriously could not handle all the posts about Mom's.  It was too much for my heart.

I got a few texts, which was nice, but I didn't respond to any of them until Monday morning.  One friend, she asked me where I was and why I didn't respond, I replied, "I wasn't talking to anyone until this morning."

But, I'm more so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't there for my friends who were having a tough time on Mother's Day, too.
 
I pride myself in using the trials and tribulations in my life to help others.  And that did not happen this past weekend.  Instead of reaching out to others who were in pain, I was selfish.  And I hate that in me.  I hate that's who I was this past weekend.  But, I embarrassingly admit I was barely surviving.

A few friends who have lost their Moms last year, it was their first Mother's Day without their Mom.  Instead of sending them thoughtful, understanding, loving notes on their Facebook posts, I was nowhere to be found.  I wasn't there for them. 

And, while I made it through the weekend, the hermit in me still lingering (dang it).  A couple of friends wanted to talk last night, and I just couldn't yet get up enough energy or fight to even talk yet or try to be there for someone else right now.  I feel SO badly about it.  But, I am still depressed trying to get out of the fog from the sad feelings from the tough weekend.  And when I am depressed, I just don't want to talk to anyone.  I only care to hear from and respond to the one person that can make me smile, otherwise, I just turn into a hermit and recluse, and hide from the world. 

I miss my Mom more than anything.  I know that means that I have deep love for her, but it's almost unfathomable how much her death still affects me and paralyzes me at times.

I keep hearing how others can relate.  Can you?  To have no family left, no roommate, no siblings, no no one, can you really relate to that?  Tired of people comparing their life to mine and saying they understand when unless you are standing in my worn-out shoes of life, please.just.don't.

Anyway, hoping the fog of depression lifts soon.  It's felt SOOO nice to smile and actually be happy this year, and I hope for it's triumphant return any day now!  And, then, I can go back to being there and helping others.