Making Memories with Friends

I had some realizations late last year.

I've shared before that when I spend time with friends, instead of just dinner, I want us to do things that creates memories for both of us (view link about this here).

In March, Oct, and Nov (of 2019), I filled my bucket list with a few things that I've thought about doing for some time. Those particular things I could have easily done on my own, but I thought it would be more special to share the experiences with a friend, so both of us have the memories.

Like overnight with animals at Fossil Rim - what a treat that trip was! (view link)

I also finally attended, The Promise, that I REALLY loved and recommend! It's been on my bucket list as well, and I knew my friend Tina would probably enjoy the live story, because she is close to God, also. (view link to see more photos)

And in the Spring I swam with otters finally! (well, sort of, but I still checked that off on my list : ) (view link)

For whatever reason, there's so many things nowadays that kids get to do, see, or go to that weren't around when we were little. One such thing is a pumpkin patch. However I was finally able to attend one at the end of October! And I invited my friends Dana and Ann. (view link about the day).

I also went to the Dallas Arboretum with my great friend Julie back in 2018 for Christmas!

Additionally, I've been walking every two months or so at really cool walking spots with my friend Erin. She shared with me the other day that she would never have done any of those things unless I asked her to go. And the first walk we went on, I surprised her and took her to the two oldest cemeteries in Fort Worth, because I remembered she loves cemeteries. We walked and talked for over 4 hours at the two cemeteries, reading tombstones, talking about what we read or about the different setups of the departed, and it was a really cool memory.

What I think is really wonderful, is me making memories is also making memories for my friends. I feel like it's an amazing gift I'm able to share with them. It didn't hit me until late last year what was actually happening, and I think it's pretty dang awesome. I'm actually crying right now because it's not necessarily a purpose in life, but this is definitely an impact on other people's lives.

To know that I'm taking Erin to places she never would have gone, spending a few dollars for Dana and Ann to go see a pumpkin patch (AND neither had ever been to the Dallas Arboretum), taking Tina to The Promise (which she probably never would have done), lifts my spirits. Spending time with Leslie at Fossil Rim on an the overnight trip was very memorable, also.

Heck, even my bucket list item for myself - to do an outdoor photo shoot cake smash - was sort of like making memories for my friends as well, right? They all enjoyed the photos and seemed to really love what I did. It was like we experienced it together.

This might sound weird and confusing, maybe a little vain, but I swear my heart is in the right place (especially because I didn't realize I was doing this), but it hit me that I like helping making memories for my friends, that they otherwise may not have ever done. Instead of doing all those things by myself, I'm spending time with dear friends and giving them an experience they simply may not have done.

Now, I don't make plans to accomplish this, it just started happening.

I do think it's a tad bizarre I completed so many of my bucket-list items in such a short period of time (just in the last 12 months), almost like I'm getting ready to die or something, lol. I'm not scared of dying, as I've had a beautiful life, but sure seems fishy lol.

I am actually glad I'm single right now. I think helping many of my friends have these experiences that they may not have done in their lives otherwise, is a beautiful thing. To be a part of this brings my heart much joy!

Lunch with an Angel

I had lunch with an Angel Monday.

Seriously!

I wrote about this Angel back in May. She was the lady who happened to be in the hallway in hospice literally right after Dave passed away, who helped me with her comforting and understanding hugs and words.

I had wanted for months to try and get together with her so I could find out more about her and be around someone who was so inspiring. Although it took us three tries to finally find a good time/date, we met up Monday.

The "lunch" ended up being a four hour amazing talk! It was truly incredible to catch up with her and to also be able to tell her in person how deeply she impacted me not just that day, but in the months since. We got to know each other and share! It was so beautiful.

At one point, she asked about Dave and also how I was doing since he passed. I started to cry, as no one has asked about Dave in so long nor asked how I have been doing because I lost one of my best friends.

Her spirit and perspective about life and living was powerful for me to hear. And she agrees with my one of my purposes in life (ironically similar to hers) to help others cope with death or prepare for death.

She has such great wisdom, a lot of experience to share, and a way of looking at things that is truly encouraging and enlightening. We are to meet up again in a few months and I already can't wait!

I wrote about her heaven experience and the consequence of her impact on me at this link. I highly recommend a few minutes to read what happened to her.

Short Term Care-Giving Idea

I took care of my Mom for 5 years, I "took care" (ie. led and ran) the Omega Billiards Tour for 6 years, and then I took care of my best friend Dave for two more years after that. Heck, I could throw in a couple of ex boyfriends in my 20s and 30s because I kinda took care of them, too, lol.

But, after Dave passed away last year, a couple of friends asked me, "So who are you taking care of now?" It kind of threw me off. I didn't know that's what I was suppose to do next was to take care of someone right away. Really?

I mean, yeah, sure, I take care of people sometimes when it's needed, but I don't see that as my duty in life. I don't understand why others think if I stop taking care of someone, that means it's time for me to now take care of someone new for the next few years.

Quite honestly, what I'm trying to do now is to take care of myself. I don't normally do that. I don't normally look after myself, because I'm taking care of others and I put myself on the backburner. So,

So, I guess the answer is the next person is: ME.

I mentioned the other day I wanted to start back having dinner with a girlfriend once a month, but you know there's other things I want to do with friends. It isn't just "dinner," it's spending time with them, maybe doing things they love or doing something for them or with them that doesn't always revolve around just eating out, but doing bonding things, more memorable things.

The reason I bring this up is I have decided that doing small acts of kindness would be better for my well-being. Taking care of someone for years is overwhelming, stressful, upsetting, depressing, and sometimes harmful to myself. Therefore, doing small acts of kindness for my friends (or strangers) is still helping others (my purpose in life), but on a much smaller scale so I'm not overburdened and overwhelmed.

And, I'll be able to help more people doing things this way! Further, I'll also be more effective. Caregiving for years takes a tole on my body, mind, and mental status. I can be more effective and have more energy for short-term help as opposed to years of help.

Here are some examples just from the Fall of 2018 where I have already started this:

A friend of mine likes cemeteries. She was literally on my list for about a year to surprise her and take her to the two oldest cemeteries in Fort Worth. I thought it would be thoughtful to do this with her because she really loves cemeteries.  We went to them one beautiful Saturday in October and spent nearly 5 hours just walking through them, catching up, and also of course reading tombstones and finding out about history.

Around that same time, I reached out to my friend Julie C to do something together. We ended up going to dinner and then to the Dallas Arboretum to see the 12 Days of Christmas. We are already planning to do other non-traditional "just dinner" things this upcoming year! But when I called Julie about doing something together, her response surprised me. She told me she was a little jealous I was going to dinner with other friends and wondered when she would get to do something with me.

You know, I hadn't thought before that people wanted to spend time with me, I simply wanted to spend time with them. I discovered this with my nail girl as well. I have been going to her for ten years and we are good friends. We were talking the other day about her next appointment and I discovered that she adds an extra 15 minutes to my appointment time so we have extra time to talk and catch up! I had no idea! Every one else gets a mere 45 minutes, but I get a full hour because she wants to spend more time with me. ME! I was tickled and surprised.

Another thing I did last year that was new and different was I reached out to a friend back in the Spring of 2018 and told her I'd like to do a photoshoot with her family (she and her husband have two small children). Photoshoots are tricky and you never really know if or how many photos will come out good or not. And being this would be my first true photoshoot, I was nervous but still excited to do this for them (and crossed my fingers some would turn out great).  Our schedules and/or weather on the weekends didn't work out and we actually didn't meet until October (crazy, I know). To make matters worse, the park I chose that morning turned out to be closed and I had to stressfully find another park very last minute that would hopefully still be good for a photoshoot. Luckily, I got about 50 really great photos out of the 800 I took! Whew!

In early December she sent me a message...she showed me her family Christmas card - I seriously started to immediately bawl. She used photos from the photoshoot for her card! I was so moved that something I helped with made such an impact. And, it turns out the delay in finding the perfect weather weekend was actually meant to be because she was able to use them for her Christmas card:

I have kinda always done sweet and thoughtful things for others, but now I want expand that and do things WITH others.  Making memories brings happiness, more than material things.  And this will be a form of short-term caregiving.

As I said before, caregiving takes a major toll on me, so, instead of taking care of someone for years at a time, this will be better for my well-being and soul.  I get to show friends I care by doing things with them, and still be able to fulfill my purpose in life:  helping others.

Retiring Helps With Purpose

Again with this "purpose" talk.

Tough to comprehend in my heart that something I loved and felt like "purpose," I will no longer be doing after next month.  However, we know when we know it's time to move on.

Plus, I heard the other day about someone retiring.  And sure enough, I related it to ending my volunteer job, running the Omega Billiards Tour.

The person happened to be an entertainer (the famous Tina Turner!), and she retired from Tours and singing.  She was fine with her decision and it was time to not do that any more, even though she was famous for it and VERY good at it.  At some point in our lives, we do need to retire.  It makes the most sense to retire from work, but it can also be from something we are good at and used to enjoy doing.  "Retiring" doesn't have to be only at the end of our career.  It can also be for something like this - something in the middle of our lives.

Time to move on.  No longer happy doing it.

I bet Tina Turner isn't sitting in her large house in Australia wondering about her purpose in life anymore.  Her purpose was amazing and impactful!  And just because she no longer sings or tours doesn't mean she didn't have purpose.  She just retired from it.

Retiring.  That's what I'm doing.  How can one be upset or disturbed by that decision? 

Not me anymore!  Yep, I no longer am with this great realization!

Trust Your Life

I heard over the weekend another helpful bit of advice for this "purpose" we all seek.  I wrote back in the Spring that my bucket runneth over enlightenment had been extremely helpful!

Well, doesn't mean I still don't struggle with purpose at times.  It doesn't help I'm ending a dream I have worked on for the last 6 years (I run a billiards tour that will end at the end of the year).

A month or so ago a coworker and I were talking about purpose, as he and his wife discuss that very feeling a lot as well.  He told me that in a Ted Talk, he heard someone say once that people who are poor and/or living in tough conditions never think about their purpose in life.  They are trying to find food and survive that day, so they don't have these life purpose worries and concerns that we struggle with.

I thought that was very interesting.

And over the weekend, Oprah was talking to Brother David Steindl-Rast, Benedictine monk, on her show, Super Soul Sunday, and among the many great things he shared was to trust your life.  Think about that.  If you sincerely trust your life, then you should have no worries about your purpose.  I trust God and his plans for me and my life, and therefore, I trust my life.  And should stop struggling and trying to figure out this purpose thing and realize it's all going to be okay.

Usefulness and Purpose

I've been struggling a lot again lately with purpose.

I don't even know why I'm even thinking so much about purpose.  Is it because I'm getting older? I didn't think about it in my twenties, not even in my thirties.  But for some reason it's almost on my mind daily in my forties.

It hit me after my Mom passed away.  Because after taking care of her for five years, I felt like I didn't really have a purpose after that.  If I didn't take care of my Mom for all those years, would I even be aware and struggling with this purpose thing?

After I started running the Omega Billiards Tour, I felt like I had purpose again.  Yay me!  But the purpose in life happy feeling slowly dwindled away for some reason.

After taking care of friend of mine (Dave) with mental and emotional support (still helping him), everyone told me that was purpose.  But what about when it ends?  For whatever reason I feel like I don't have a purpose in life.  And if you have purpose, that leads to have happiness, right?  It means you are making a difference in life, not just living a life.

It's actually been on my mind so much that it's pretty much been depressing me for quite some time. Paralyzing any sense of happiness.

I decided to finally look up on the all-knowing internet about purpose and happiness just to see what I would find. And fortunately for me one of the first few links I looked at was this link right here!

https://medium.com/art-of-practicality/the-purpose-of-life-is-not-happiness-its-usefulness-65064d0cdd59

After I read it, I was immediately overcome with calmness and happiness!

I honestly haven't been depressed since I read it about two weeks ago.  :)

It basically says that all the little things you do in life, add up.  And all those useful things add up, which leads to happiness and purpose.

And the examples he gave of being useful were very helpful things, but some also very small things. But if you think about putting all those things you do that are useful in one basket - it would be overflowing the top!

I also read somewhere else that if you make your purpose to cherish everyone you come across, then that brings you happiness which in turn brings you inner peace which in turn is a huge purpose, right?  Wishing for others to be happy all the time, how awesome is that?

So combine these two things I definitely feel much happier about not just living, but how I am living and what I'm doing in my life.

I also need to really, really remember that my job has a specific purpose to others. My job is basically customer service to people throughout the company across the entire country, but also what I do impacts the public directly (I work for the National Weather Service).  So I need to stop being so worrisome and confused about finding this magic purpose in my life when in reality I actually have a huge purpose right in front of me, here in my job (which takes up most of the time in my life, right?).

I'm so thankful that I've come to these realizations because I was being consumed with what my purpose in life is, which was leading to unhappiness (oh the irony).

So my purpose in life is to be useful; to be helpful; to be a great employee which in turn helps a lot of people.  It doesn't need to be ONE specific, huge, amazing purpose - but a whole basket of useful items!

All the useful things I do really DO add up.  Board member of the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care, my job/career, city counsel meetings, certified mediator, coaching people in pool, and helping pool players improve through my pool blog, radio program, and online magazine.  And those are the big things - my basket runneth over even with all the little things I do daily that people don't see.

I need to STOP being so hard on myself.

I'm so much happier, I can't even describe it!   I'm just so very thankful I have came across Darius' article about usefulness and came to these realizations because I was struggling so deeply that it was almost paralyzing to even be happy everyday.

I knew I had a blessed, beautiful life.

Now I'm happy in it, reminding myself I don't need one big purpose and that I'm being useful with countless, untold different acts of kindness I do.  :)

PIN

I've been struggling with my "purpose."

Thinking, I guess, if I had purpose it would help my depression.

No matter all I have going on, still not very happy and kinda depressed.  Getting a little better, but still a lot going on.

The other day I watched the 2rd of 4 episodes of Iyanla's House of Healing 4-part series.  I was able to watch the first, 3rd and 4th and throughout each I was bawling my eyes out.  It plays on Saturday nights, pretty pathetic to be home bawling on my coach on Saturday nights lol.

But, I admit it was just too emotional and heart-wrenching and close-to-home not to react like that.

The 4th and final episode Iyanla told the ladies of the House of Healing (8 ladies who needed help with some enlightenment and dire counseling and self-reflection), about "PIN."

Here is what she said:

Just like a personal identification number gives you access to your bank account, Iyanla says that the women in her House of Healing need a "PIN" to help them access the healthiest version of their lives once they return home. This particular "PIN" is an acronym meant to help each woman remember what they've learned in their work with Iyanla and to help keep them on the right track outside the House of Healing.

P: Purpose
"I don't mean your life purpose," Iyanla says. "I mean moment by moment by moment, what is the purpose of what you're doing? What is the purpose of what you're saying? Any time you open your mouth, you better be clear about your purpose."

I: Integrity
"[Check] that what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're saying and what you're doing are all in alignment," Iyanla says.

N: Nobility
"Good character, how you hold yourself within yourself, will determine the experience and circumstances of your life," Iyanla says.

While every single digit of the PIN is important and the P, I and N all hit home with me, the "Purpose" one was like a huge realization and something I really needed to hear right now.

Instead of trying to figure out why I should be living (purpose), I truly love the idea to remember my purpose for each day.  THAT I can do!  I can do that easily and actually makes me excited!

Re-enforces the saying, "One day at a time," huh?