Short Term Care-Giving Idea

I took care of my Mom for 5 years, I "took care" (ie. led and ran) the Omega Billiards Tour for 6 years, and then I took care of my best friend Dave for two more years after that. Heck, I could throw in a couple of ex boyfriends in my 20s and 30s because I kinda took care of them, too, lol.

But, after Dave passed away last year, a couple of friends asked me, "So who are you taking care of now?" It kind of threw me off. I didn't know that's what I was suppose to do next was to take care of someone right away. Really?

I mean, yeah, sure, I take care of people sometimes when it's needed, but I don't see that as my duty in life. I don't understand why others think if I stop taking care of someone, that means it's time for me to now take care of someone new for the next few years.

Quite honestly, what I'm trying to do now is to take care of myself. I don't normally do that. I don't normally look after myself, because I'm taking care of others and I put myself on the backburner. So,

So, I guess the answer is the next person is: ME.

I mentioned the other day I wanted to start back having dinner with a girlfriend once a month, but you know there's other things I want to do with friends. It isn't just "dinner," it's spending time with them, maybe doing things they love or doing something for them or with them that doesn't always revolve around just eating out, but doing bonding things, more memorable things.

The reason I bring this up is I have decided that doing small acts of kindness would be better for my well-being. Taking care of someone for years is overwhelming, stressful, upsetting, depressing, and sometimes harmful to myself. Therefore, doing small acts of kindness for my friends (or strangers) is still helping others (my purpose in life), but on a much smaller scale so I'm not overburdened and overwhelmed.

And, I'll be able to help more people doing things this way! Further, I'll also be more effective. Caregiving for years takes a tole on my body, mind, and mental status. I can be more effective and have more energy for short-term help as opposed to years of help.

Here are some examples just from the Fall of 2018 where I have already started this:

A friend of mine likes cemeteries. She was literally on my list for about a year to surprise her and take her to the two oldest cemeteries in Fort Worth. I thought it would be thoughtful to do this with her because she really loves cemeteries.  We went to them one beautiful Saturday in October and spent nearly 5 hours just walking through them, catching up, and also of course reading tombstones and finding out about history.

Around that same time, I reached out to my friend Julie C to do something together. We ended up going to dinner and then to the Dallas Arboretum to see the 12 Days of Christmas. We are already planning to do other non-traditional "just dinner" things this upcoming year! But when I called Julie about doing something together, her response surprised me. She told me she was a little jealous I was going to dinner with other friends and wondered when she would get to do something with me.

You know, I hadn't thought before that people wanted to spend time with me, I simply wanted to spend time with them. I discovered this with my nail girl as well. I have been going to her for ten years and we are good friends. We were talking the other day about her next appointment and I discovered that she adds an extra 15 minutes to my appointment time so we have extra time to talk and catch up! I had no idea! Every one else gets a mere 45 minutes, but I get a full hour because she wants to spend more time with me. ME! I was tickled and surprised.

Another thing I did last year that was new and different was I reached out to a friend back in the Spring of 2018 and told her I'd like to do a photoshoot with her family (she and her husband have two small children). Photoshoots are tricky and you never really know if or how many photos will come out good or not. And being this would be my first true photoshoot, I was nervous but still excited to do this for them (and crossed my fingers some would turn out great).  Our schedules and/or weather on the weekends didn't work out and we actually didn't meet until October (crazy, I know). To make matters worse, the park I chose that morning turned out to be closed and I had to stressfully find another park very last minute that would hopefully still be good for a photoshoot. Luckily, I got about 50 really great photos out of the 800 I took! Whew!

In early December she sent me a message...she showed me her family Christmas card - I seriously started to immediately bawl. She used photos from the photoshoot for her card! I was so moved that something I helped with made such an impact. And, it turns out the delay in finding the perfect weather weekend was actually meant to be because she was able to use them for her Christmas card:

I have kinda always done sweet and thoughtful things for others, but now I want expand that and do things WITH others.  Making memories brings happiness, more than material things.  And this will be a form of short-term caregiving.

As I said before, caregiving takes a major toll on me, so, instead of taking care of someone for years at a time, this will be better for my well-being and soul.  I get to show friends I care by doing things with them, and still be able to fulfill my purpose in life:  helping others.

When We Are Stressed, We Don't See Better Options

The other day I told a story to one of my friends and then I realized I hadn't written it here.  I shared something that I learned that was extremely helpful to me, and I'm hoping at least one person will see this same epiphany that will help them relieve stress, as well.

When I was a caregiver for my Mom, I was stressed all the time.  Being a caregiver in general adds so much more to our plate, all the while we are worried about our loved one.  The overwhelmess can get intense.

To add to my stress, when I went to the Walmart pharmacy that was near our house, something always happened that annoyed me or caused extra work / time.  They didn't have a drive-thru window and parking was horrendous.  A lot of times I would go in and then the prescription wasn't ready, ugh!  So I either had to wait a long time for it to be ready when they finally filled it, or I would have to come back because it wasn't in stock or they hadn't heard back from the doctor or WHATEVER their excuse was.

Plus this Walmart was actually past my house when I left work, so the extra traffic jams added to my stress.  And when you have someone at home who has health issues, they usually have a lot of prescriptions that need to be filled.  So, this aggravating trip to Walmart wasn't a once-a-month jaunt thing, it was more like a couple of times a week or so.

A colleague from another office came to visit during my caregiver days, and I remember distinctly he was talking about the KISS method.  He actually talked about it quite a bit and how he followed that method to help him implement things efficiently and smartly at his office.  It would make things easier for him and also his co-workers.   Everything he did revolved around the Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) method.

I left the meeting immediately knowing I needed to call the CVS that's on my way home to see what the prices were of my Mom's prescriptions.  You see, we had heard Walmart had the lowest prices so I never even checked anywhere else.  But after hearing this colleague share so many effective examples of the benefits of the KISS method, I had to check their prices.

I called CVS and it turns out the prices were close, if not the same! I started immediately going to that CVS that was on my way home.  And, it turns out it was also a less-busy pharmacy and easy area to park.  Further, I got to know the pharmacist really well and he would ask about my Mom and started to know more about her history and what would help her best.  And if a prescription wasn't ready, he would call and let me know.  This new pharmacy relieved SO MUCH stress, I can't even describe it!  It was also a sweet bonus to walk into the pharmacy and see a friendly face, who also cared about my Mom.  The pharmacist genuinely cared about both of us and it made going to the pharmacy a nice part of my day, instead of causing stress like the other one did.

The point of the story is not for you find a close pharmacy (sorry!).  The point of the story is also not to talk about the KISS method either (surprise!).  Instead, the point of the story is to let you know that sometimes when we are in the midst of stress, the last thing we think of are things that can relieve that stress or provide better alternatives.  We are kind of in a bubble - we can't see out and we can't see in.  Heck, we sometimes don't even realize how stressed we actually really are!

Being a caregiver, we are just trying to get things done that need to be done, with the low amount of energy that we barely have.  We don't have time or the capacity to think about solutions or possible alternatives, and definitely don't think to look into possible options that could make our daily routines easier.

Why? Our brain is so full of stressful emotions, it doesn't have room to think properly. We actually aren't even aware we could come up with creative or alternative ways to help. So the last thing that enters our minds is, "Hey maybe we can find options to do things smarter / faster / better / easier."

Let me give you an example.

Do you remember times in your life where you were so stressed that you couldn't remember a phone number or the password to your account or maybe even the account number?  The times that happened to me, it was almost like my brain could not function under the high stress and anxiety I felt.

Again, caregivers are just trying to get daily tactical things accomplished.

I have to say, had I not sat in on the meeting with this colleague, I would have continued going to the stressful pharmacy for years.  Why?  Again - because I was too stressed to realize I could do things to reduce my stress and make my life easier.  I was SO thankful this guy came to our office that day - really, truly helped me out!

So, I'm writing this today in hopes that someone who is stressed and overwhelmed will read this (if they have time I mean, lol) and may see this blog post also as a sign and think, "Hmmmm…. she is right.  Maybe there is a better option for some things that could ease my stress?"

Caring for the Caregiver

I wanted to write about this, then came across this article that is too true.  Instead of reinventing the wheel, paying it forward and pasting it here:

Bottom line is, in order to take care of others, you must take care of yourself, too.  We often forget that.  DON'T.

I was blessed my Mom knew this.    

Caring for the Caregiver

Caring for an ailing spouse or elder can be satisfying but difficult work. It involves not only the task of doing, but the task of coping, figuring out creative solutions and working to keep your head above water. The needs of the caregiver often get neglected. But the more neglected the caregiver feels, the less effective he or she may be.

How Can You Help Yourself?

Recognize your feelings.

At some point, most caregivers feel helpless, angry, resentful and then guilty for having these negative feelings. Caregivers may feel angry that other members of the family don't help out enough, don't visit or are critical. While it's natural to have these feelings, it's also important not to keep them bottled up inside. Talk about these feelings with others in your family and support network.

Use support services.

Start looking into support services before you need help. If you can develop a plan before your situation becomes a crisis, you'll have a clearer head to evaluate your options. Investigate adult day care programs, which often include therapy, activities, meals and health care. Use in-home help services, including nursing care and personal care services. Most communities have meals-on-wheels programs for older and ill individuals. Call social service agencies, home health agencies, home care agencies and transportation systems for referrals.

Accept help from others.

Considering the time commitment involved in taking care of an ailing partner, parent or relative, it's easy to see why many caregivers feel isolated. Not only is it difficult to carve out time to continue pursuing hobbies and activities, but friends and families tend to shy away, either out of fear of being asked to help or simply from a lack of understanding about the disease. Take the time to explain your situation and needs to those close to you. They will be more receptive to helping, if they can. If friends or family members want to help, accept their offers. Join a support group where you can share experiences with other caregivers.

Nourish yourself.

You don't have to leave your house to do something for yourself. Read a book or watch a favorite video or DVD. Ask a friend or neighbor to come to your house so you can get out for a while, not just to do errands but to go window shopping or to take a walk in the park. Ask yourself what you need in order to take care of yourself. Do you need a support group? In-home help? Respite care? A counselor to help you sort out and understand your situation? Remember, one of the best things you can do for the person you care for is to take good care of yourself.