What You've Really Been Missing - Article Excerpt

 What You've Really Been Missing

If anyone in history should have died from FOMO, it would be Emily Dickinson, an agoraphobe who virtually never left her house and almost certainly never owned a phosphorescent pacifier. Yet millions of people still read Dickinson's stunning descriptions of many mind-blowing experiences. "To live," she once wrote, "is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."

This very moment of your life, if you experience it fully, will show you astonishing wonders and exquisite delights. Simple presence will take you on adventures you could miss altogether in the pursuit of nonstop thrills—without the anxiety, exhaustion, and expense. So learn to disbelieve the media hype. Listen for the wiser, deeper inner voice that tells you to relax, to melt open, to stop. Once you try it, you won't believe what you've been missing.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Fear-of-Missing-Out-How-to-Avoid-FOMO/3#ixzz2XYItAtuq

How Would that Benefit Me?

I mentioned last month something I learned from a therapist.

I have shared a few things from watching a therapist on a tv show, too. I just love when hearing a sentence really resonates with me, surprises me, or helps me.

And I'm going to share another one today.

A friend of mine goes to a masseuse regularly and she confided she kind of gets a therapy session while she's there because her masseuse gives great advice.

I completely agree with her advice for my friend about how to deal with people you don't get along with, especially after this story that I'm about to share with you.

My friend struggled a lot with a co-worker that she did not get along with. The co-worker took a lot of things wrong, assumed the worst, and they didn't really get along.

The co-worker recently left the company after about 20+ years there. My friend felt some relief that she was gone, even though deep down inside she felt a little guilty about having those feelings.

She told her therapist a couple of weeks later, err, I mean told her masseuse, that she felt like reaching out to this girl to see how she was doing.

And her masseuse replied (omg check this out!), "How will that benefit you?"

I immediately reacted with shock and fascination with her question. I thought it was quite beautiful and extremely smart. My friend agreed.

After a long pause from my friend, the masseuse then asked, "And how are you going to feel if she doesn't respond to your text? What if she doesn't reply to you?"

Which I also thought was a great question!  But it was the first question that was pretty profound for me.

So, what did my friend do?  Although she really did want to reach out to her and see how she was doing, those great questions made her realize that it was probably best to leave the ex-coworker alone. The co-worker didn't like her much nor get along with her, so she may not have even replied, which would have hurt my friend.

I think she made the right decision.

Let's go back to he question. Think about something that you might want to do that you are already wondering if you should or not because the person you are dealing with has been rude to you or is mean to you. Then ask yourself, "How would that benefit me?"

I think that question will help a lot of us!

When We Are Stressed, We Don't See Better Options

The other day I told a story to one of my friends and then I realized I hadn't written it here.  I shared something that I learned that was extremely helpful to me, and I'm hoping at least one person will see this same epiphany that will help them relieve stress, as well.

When I was a caregiver for my Mom, I was stressed all the time.  Being a caregiver in general adds so much more to our plate, all the while we are worried about our loved one.  The overwhelmess can get intense.

To add to my stress, when I went to the Walmart pharmacy that was near our house, something always happened that annoyed me or caused extra work / time.  They didn't have a drive-thru window and parking was horrendous.  A lot of times I would go in and then the prescription wasn't ready, ugh!  So I either had to wait a long time for it to be ready when they finally filled it, or I would have to come back because it wasn't in stock or they hadn't heard back from the doctor or WHATEVER their excuse was.

Plus this Walmart was actually past my house when I left work, so the extra traffic jams added to my stress.  And when you have someone at home who has health issues, they usually have a lot of prescriptions that need to be filled.  So, this aggravating trip to Walmart wasn't a once-a-month jaunt thing, it was more like a couple of times a week or so.

A colleague from another office came to visit during my caregiver days, and I remember distinctly he was talking about the KISS method.  He actually talked about it quite a bit and how he followed that method to help him implement things efficiently and smartly at his office.  It would make things easier for him and also his co-workers.   Everything he did revolved around the Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) method.

I left the meeting immediately knowing I needed to call the CVS that's on my way home to see what the prices were of my Mom's prescriptions.  You see, we had heard Walmart had the lowest prices so I never even checked anywhere else.  But after hearing this colleague share so many effective examples of the benefits of the KISS method, I had to check their prices.

I called CVS and it turns out the prices were close, if not the same! I started immediately going to that CVS that was on my way home.  And, it turns out it was also a less-busy pharmacy and easy area to park.  Further, I got to know the pharmacist really well and he would ask about my Mom and started to know more about her history and what would help her best.  And if a prescription wasn't ready, he would call and let me know.  This new pharmacy relieved SO MUCH stress, I can't even describe it!  It was also a sweet bonus to walk into the pharmacy and see a friendly face, who also cared about my Mom.  The pharmacist genuinely cared about both of us and it made going to the pharmacy a nice part of my day, instead of causing stress like the other one did.

The point of the story is not for you find a close pharmacy (sorry!).  The point of the story is also not to talk about the KISS method either (surprise!).  Instead, the point of the story is to let you know that sometimes when we are in the midst of stress, the last thing we think of are things that can relieve that stress or provide better alternatives.  We are kind of in a bubble - we can't see out and we can't see in.  Heck, we sometimes don't even realize how stressed we actually really are!

Being a caregiver, we are just trying to get things done that need to be done, with the low amount of energy that we barely have.  We don't have time or the capacity to think about solutions or possible alternatives, and definitely don't think to look into possible options that could make our daily routines easier.

Why? Our brain is so full of stressful emotions, it doesn't have room to think properly. We actually aren't even aware we could come up with creative or alternative ways to help. So the last thing that enters our minds is, "Hey maybe we can find options to do things smarter / faster / better / easier."

Let me give you an example.

Do you remember times in your life where you were so stressed that you couldn't remember a phone number or the password to your account or maybe even the account number?  The times that happened to me, it was almost like my brain could not function under the high stress and anxiety I felt.

Again, caregivers are just trying to get daily tactical things accomplished.

I have to say, had I not sat in on the meeting with this colleague, I would have continued going to the stressful pharmacy for years.  Why?  Again - because I was too stressed to realize I could do things to reduce my stress and make my life easier.  I was SO thankful this guy came to our office that day - really, truly helped me out!

So, I'm writing this today in hopes that someone who is stressed and overwhelmed will read this (if they have time I mean, lol) and may see this blog post also as a sign and think, "Hmmmm…. she is right.  Maybe there is a better option for some things that could ease my stress?"

UnNormal Thoughts After Bad News

I am very thankful for something I heard and remembered! when I was growing up.

I can't recall where I was, why I remember it, or who even said it, but I am so very thankful.

What was shared was when someone passes away or when something bad happens, it's normal for us to have unnormal or uncomfortable thoughts.

That advice has been very helpful for me all my life to not feel guilty about maybe some ill thoughts that might creep into my brain.

The example they gave was very simple, but very powerful.  Let's say you are in your teens and your Grandpa passes away.  But yet you had a slumber party to go to the weekend of the funeral.  What was explained was, it's normal to feel bad about not getting to go to the slumber party.

Again, I can't remember who shared the story or if I read it in school or when/where I heard this, but it truly has helped me all these years.

Sometimes we do have kinda rude, non-normal and what seems like unnatural thoughts when we hear about bad news that might affect plans we had.

Of course, what you eventually do is your decision you have to live with, lol, but it's normal to have initial thoughts and concerns that sometimes don't make sense in our mind.  Shouldn't I care more about going to see Grandpa?  The feeling of selfishness, guilt or shame can be tough on us.  However, because I learned at a very young age these thoughts are normal, I don't feel guilty or bad; I don't let them bother me and I don't feel bad about myself.  

I'm sharing this to hopefully help others if you have thoughts that don't really make sense after bad news.  

Remember:  Normal!

Different Take on Dates and Death

I wrote a while back that one of the most important lessons I learned from death was that the loved ones left on earth are hit harder not on birthdays of their passed loved ones, but their deathversary.

Of course, this is all a matter of perspective.  If the person who passed wasn't close to you or you were not deeply impacted by their passing, then their deathversary isn't a tough day for you.

However, when I learned a few years ago that deathversaries are tougher than birthdays, then I started to take note of those dates.  So, instead of contacting my Uncle Ray on the birthday of my Aunt Gail, I instead send him a note on the day she passed away.

I also pay attention to conversations from my friends.  If they mention a deathversary date, I make note of the date so I can be sure to send them a text the morning of that day to let them know they are being thought of on their tough day.  Or, if I see on Facebook that a friend mentions, "today two years ago my Dad passed and I miss him every single day."  I'll then note the date in my calendar so the next year I can send them a friendly, comforting message on that day.

A huge part of my character is helping others so this newly found avenue to console others was right down my alley.  Further, it wasn't a normal kinda of solace/help, which is also something I lean toward.  I CAN do normal, helpful things for others, but I like to do unusual, uncommon, and more thoughtful, out-of-the-box things.

So, imagine my surprise when I'm asking a friend at work if I should contact an ex who lost his son a year ago that day.

Her response and forthcoming story really made me realize that, just as in most everything in life, you can't treat everyone the same.  You must know their personalities to be able to help best.

She shared with me that her new husband had lost his son from health problems when he was just 3 years old.  This was over 30 years ago.  She said a friend of his calls him every single year on the deathversary of losing the child, and sends his condolences.  As she's telling me this story, I'm thinking that is really thoughtful, until she shares, "my husband really hates being reminded of that day and wishes the guy would stop calling him on that day every year."

I stood looking at her in awe hearing a completely different side to comforting people about their loved ones on deathversaries.

While the friends gesture is nice, it wasn't well received.

So, as I walked away from her and the lingering story and her suggestion to not call my ex, it made me really realize that not everyone will want that comforting message on a deathversary.  Some will welcome it, yearn for it, would love to know their loved one is thought of (and themselves) on such a tough day, but others may wish to not think of the pain of that day.

So, instead of assuming one would love to receive a little note, text, message from me on a painful day, I'm going to see how they refer to their loved one.  I'm going to pay more attention to if they are still heartbroken or not.  Are they still grieving?  Are they constantly bringing them up?  Those are the friends who would love comforting words on a tough day.  For those that aren't showing indications of mourning or talking openingly on FB about their loved one still, and it seems they have moved on and aren't feeling so much loss/grief anymore, I wont send them a reminder of such a painful day.

Death, and Dates

I wanted to share something I learned the hard way.

My Mom's sister, my Aunt Gail, was born on Feb 6th.  She passed away in January 2011.

My Mom passed away August 19th, 2011.  Her birthday is August 8th.

So, I wouldn't experience my Mom's "death date" until after her "birthday date" the following year.

I know this is getting confusing... sorry.

I called my Uncle Ray on my Aunt Gail's birthday on Feb 6th, 2012.  To let him know I was thinking about him, and I was remembering his wife/my Aunt on her birthday.

He tells me that her birthday was "easy" compared to the day she passed away in January.  And I had NOT called him on that day.  :(

I didn't know.

I had no idea that "death dates" were tougher than "birthday dates," after recent passings.

I would find this out 6 months later when my mom's birthday was still mentioned from me, but it was the day she passed away (her "death date") that tore my heart out. 

Now I pay more attention when my friends mention "death dates" for their parents (or others) and I try to remember them.  It's a tough day.  Tougher than many realize.

Just a little advice, from little me.

You will Always Have Bills

My Mom used to always worry and stress over her bills. 

I finally told her one day to stop worrying and stressing.  Why?  Because she will ALWAYS have bills.  She will always have a bill, or something to always pay off.  Always.

No reason to stress over it; just accept it.

Age Really is a Number

Age really is a number.

But you don't realize this til you get older.

When I was in teens, my Dad's brother passed away of a heart attack at age 29.  I heard over and over how young he was.  In my teens I'm thinking, "that's not young, that's kinda old."

Typing that out makes me laugh reflecting back on my naivety!

When I turned 29, that's when it really hit me how young Robert Bailey really was.  Wow.  :(

In my mid 20s, people who were barely 21 could not BELIEVE I was as old as I was.  25.

When I was 32, I met a woman who was going through a lot in her life and she was 42 years old.  And I was thinking as I looked at her, "Gosh that's old.  I can't believe how old she is."

As I am now 43, I realize obviously that 42 is NOT old. 

I wonder how I will feel when I get to 50?  Or 55 or 60?

Right now, when I think back to the 1990s, it doesn't hit me how long ago that was.  I was in college and just starting my career in 1992.

But for some reason, to realize that 2004 was just only NINE years ago?  Holy Cow!  Really??

The few months before I turned 40, I was freaking out.  OMG.  FORTY. 

A few months after 40.  Eh, 40 is nothing.

As I look toward 45, when will it hit me how old I really am?

I still dress the same as my 30s (young).  When do I start dressing my real age?  When I'm old?  LMAO.

I remember visiting my Grandma Duncan and she was in her 70s or 80s and so were her friends.  Even at that age, they still cared about their looks.  I heard once before that no matter what age, women still care about their looks.  They will still buy creams for their now-deep wrinkles, still go to the salon for their hair color, and still wear make up.  Will there be one day I don't care about drawing my lips on?

My Mom was in a nursing home for only about 4 months (thank God) for rehabilitation.  She would be wheeled down to the "exercise" room and do her arm and leg movements along with the other ladies.  To me, everyone in the room was old.  To her, only the other people in the room were old. 

I just shook my head in agreement, not wanting to point out she looked like every one of them in the room.

However, my Mom was lucky and didn't look her age in the face.  Her wrinkles were hardly there (lucky beotch) but she let her hair go grey and her body was that of an 80 year old.  But, what mattered most to her was her face, and she did NOT look in her mid 60s.

Again, no matter what age a woman is, she will always care what she looks like and do her same routine (or new ones) to make herself look good.  As proof, my Mom would wear her wig to the Emergency Room, not realizing everyone could tell it was a wig.  ;)

A few of my very good friends are in the 60s.  Being in the social media age, everyone takes pics.  But they don't like pics of themselves and shy away from it.  I can envision that of myself.

What really struck me was each of them in some form or fashion has mentioned that they catch themselves in a pic or in the mirror and wonder, "Who is that?"

"Wait, when did I start to look this old."

I wonder when that moment will hit me.  50?  55?

Age really is just a number, but it's easier said than done.

I recall very distinctly when I was just about to turn 30, talking to a coworker who was going through some things.

He told me one of his fears was not accomplishing certain things by the time he was 40.  He turned 40, and everything he wanted to accomplish he had done.  And yet, he was still having "trouble" turning 40.  He had to go see a therapist for it.  He was confused.

That confused me to hear that.

As I think ahead, I am eligible to retire at 57.  I recall a coworker who retired 7 years ago saying, "it will pass by in a flash - you wont believe it."

Well, 57 is 15 whole years away.  That's a long time.  Or is it?


Here is some interesting insights and honesty from Cybill Shepherd she shared with Oprah:

When 40 finally arrived, Cybill says she fled the country but couldn't escape her age. Turning 50 was even worse, she says. "Fifty was really very traumatic, especially the early 50s," she says. "I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because I could see that I was aging."


Turning 60, however, was a turning point. "You decide what's really important in your life," she says.

Now that she's older, Cybill says her definition of real beauty has changed. "If we don't work to develop that depth and [have] more fun too—and really laughing and crying as much as possible—learning to love ourselves as we age is one of the most challenging things we can do," she says. "Look at everything and find something you can love about your body."

And check out what Linda Evans shares with Oprah:

Linda says she finally learned the true meaning of beauty in her 50s. "In a way, you're forced to give up the game," she says. "Anything that is outside of you, you can't control. But you can control inside of you."

Still, Linda says she decided to have plastic surgery at 50 because she wanted to, not because she had to. "I was madly in love with a man 12 years younger than me [New Age musician Yanni]," she says. "I wanted to still look good because I was with him."

Linda says she doesn't regret her surgery. "I wanted to look a certain way so I could feel better about that 12-year difference," she says. "And it worked."

Surgery or not, Linda says every woman should strive to love what they see in the mirror. "The great thing about aging is you do get wiser and you do get more certain in yourself of what you are and what you want," she says. "Loving yourself doesn't mean having a massage or getting your hair done. It means truly knowing your values." 

Obstacles Have a Purpose

I read this the other day and it really resonated with me, so I wanted to share.  On the back page of Self Magazine.  I think it should have been moved up in the magazine, WAY up front.

"When you face adversity, rather than seeing the world as being against you, live as if it's conspiring to make you better.  Each obstacle has a purpose - this one to make you stronger, that one to make you more patient.  Thank them for teaching you to be creative and to persist, then keep positive until you can see your way not only through the barriers but to all the possibilities beyond."

Make Relationships Better with How you Choose Your Words

This is a great, informative article about how to get your kids to listen, entitled "5 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen."  But imo, this is good advice for everyday living!  With coworkers, significant others, friends, etc.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/5-ways-kids-listen-160800309.html

 1. Say it With a Single Word

The situation My daughters have only one assigned chore: to carry their plates to the sink when they're done eating. Still, not a night went by when I didn't need to tell them to do it, sometimes three times. Even that didn't guarantee they would -- and who would finally clear them? Take a guess.

The old way After they ignored my repeated commands, I'd sit Blair and Drew down and preach for ten minutes about how I wasn't their servant and this wasn't a restaurant.

The better way Kids usually know what they're supposed to do; they just need some simple reminding. "They'll tune you out when you go on and on," Faber told me. "Instead, try just one word to jog their memory."

The result After dinner one night, all I said was "plates." At first the girls looked at me as if I were speaking in an alien tongue. But a second later, they picked them up and headed for the kitchen. After roughly a month of reinforcement, I don't need to say anything; they do it automatically. "Teeth!" works equally well for getting them to brush, as does "Shoes" to replace my typical morning mantra: "Find your shoes and put them on; find your shoes and put them on". And when I hear Blair screaming, "Give me that!" I simply say, "Nice words" (okay, that's two words). I practically faint when she says, "Drew, would you please give that to me?"


2. Provide Information

The situation My friend Michele had just served lunch when, as was her habit, 2-year-old Everly jumped off her chair, climbed back on, turned around, stood up, and then stomped on the cushion.

The old way When Everly wouldn't respond to a patient "You need to sit still," Michele would get annoyed and say something like, "How hard is it to understand? You must sit down!" Everly would cry but still not sit. In the end, she'd get a time-out, which didn't change her behavior.

The better way State the facts instead of always issuing commands. "Who doesn't rebel against constant orders?" asks Faber. (I know I do.) Kids aren't robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to. The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, "Put that milk away," you might simply say: "Milk spoils when it's left out." This approach says to a child, "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing,'" Faber explains.

The result The next time Everly played jungle gym at mealtime, Michele took a calming breath and then said, "Honey, chairs are meant for sitting." Everly smiled at her mother, sat down, and then started eating. "That never happened before," Michele reports. She still has to remind her daughter now and then, but in the end, Everly listens. The technique applies to other situations as well. Rather than saying, "Stop touching everything," Michele now points out, "Those delicate things can break very easily." Ditto for "Legos belong in the green bin so you can find them the next time you want to play with them" and "Unflushed toilets get stinky."


3. Give Your Child a Choice

The situation Three days after our final session, Joan took her kids to Orlando. At the Magic Kingdom, she handed them hats to shield the sun. Her 6-year-old put hers on willingly. Her almost-5-year-old, Sam, refused.

The old way "I'd try to persuade him to cooperate," Joan says. Inevitably, she'd end up shouting, "If you don't put it on, you can't go on any more rides." Then he'd bawl his eyes out, and no one would have any fun.

The better way Offer your child choices. "Threats and punishment don't work," Faber explains on one of the workshop CDs. "Rather than feeling sorry for not cooperating, a child tends to become even more stubborn. But when you make him part of the decision, he's far more likely to do what's acceptable to you."

The result Joan left it up to her son: "Sam, you can put your hat on now or after you sit out the next ride." Sam still wouldn't comply. "But after he missed out on Peter Pan's Flight, I said, 'Sam, here's your hat,' and he put it right on," Joan says.


4. State Your Expectations

The situation Amy let her kids turn on the TV before they left for school. After one show was over, she'd take Adrian, 4, to get dressed while Angela, 7, kept watching. But when it was Angela's turn to get ready, she'd whine, "Just ten more minutes. Please? Pleeeeeeeaaase!"

The old way Amy would yell: "No, you've watched enough. That's it." Angela would complain some more. Amy would yell, "I said no!" Then, after more begging, she'd add, "You've already had more TV time than Adrian. You're being ungrateful."

The better way Let your kids know your plan ahead of time. Amy should tell Angela something like this: "After you've brushed your teeth and are totally dressed and ready to go, you can watch a little more TV while I get your brother dressed. That way you'll be on time for school."

The result The first time Amy tried this tactic, Angela turned off the TV without saying a word. But the second morning, she refused and started bellyaching again. Amy quickly realized she hadn't reminded Angela of the plan in advance this time. So the following morning she stated it again clearly: "When I leave with Adrian, I expect you to turn off the TV." Success. She finds the strategy equally effective for other situations ("No starting new games until the one you've just played is put away").

5. Name Their Feelings

The situation Carrie's daughter Tatum, 6, was happily blowing bubbles with a friend. Suddenly, Tatum stormed into the room, wailing, "Mina's not giving me a turn."

The old way "I'd say something like, 'There's no reason to cry over this,'" Carrie says. What would Tatum do? The opposite -- cry more and likely ruin the rest of the playdate.

The better way Parents need to listen too. "Everyone wants to know they've been heard and understood," Faber argues. Telling a child to stop crying sends the message that her feelings don't matter. Kids often cry (or whine, yell, or stomp) because they can't communicate why they're upset or don't know how to deal with the emotion. "You need to give them the words to express it," Faber says.

The result Next time, Carrie looked Tatum in the eye and described what she thought her daughter was feeling: "You seem really frustrated!" Tatum stared at her in surprise and then announced, "I am." Carrie held her tongue to keep from giving advice ("You need to..."), defending her friend ("Mina deserves a turn too"), or getting philosophical ("That's life"). Instead, she said, "Oh." Tatum kept talking: "I wish I had two bottles of bubbles." Carrie asked, "How can we work this out so it's fair to you and Mina?" Tatum said by taking turns. Carrie suggested they use a kitchen timer, and Tatum explained the plan to Mina. Everyone wound up happy. "It's hard to stop yourself from saying too much," says Carrie. She's right. Phrases like, "You never listen to me" and "How many times do I have to tell you?" become ingrained in our brain. During the workshop, my friends and I realize that it's going to take a bit of practice to stop uttering these expressions. But that's the entire point: to change the way we talk to our kids, so they not only understand what we're trying to say but actually want to listen.

Gift from My Mom

You would think the best gift my Mom gave me was life.  But in reality, it was about death.

Parents and loved ones need to do this:  Discuss what you want!

My Mom's greatest gift to me was she told me her wishes.  She told me what she wanted, for the time when she wouldn't be able to speak for herself.

Knowing if one wants to be buried or cremated is just a smidgen of the wishes of our loved ones.

More importantly, HOW do they want to pass away?  Do they have a DNR  (Do Not Resuscitate)?  A Living Will?  Who has Medical Power of Attorney?  Do they want to be kept alive as long as possible on breathing machines?  Or let go in more peaceful ways?

These may seem like all busy-work type of discussions that are uncomfortable, but from my experience what is MORE important than ANY piece of paper is the KNOWLEDGE of what your loved one wants for their care; for the times they cannot speak for themselves.

Although my Mom wanted to be cremated, more importantly, I also knew HOW she wanted to pass away:  specifically, if possible, peacefully in Hospice.

She told me she did not want to be hooked up to machines in a hospital room, left to die.  And, I knew if the question was ever asked, that yes, take her off life support.

She did not want to be a vegetable, she wanted to die peacefully.  And she wanted to be pain-free.  And she wanted me by her side.

One of my coworkers stood at the bed of his dying Father.  His other siblings and his Mom were all there.  Everyone was upset.  Crying.  Then, the family turned on each other.

The family had to decide what to do with their dying relative.  His organs were failing and the doctors needed to know their wishes.  Some wanted to keep Dad alive and have the doctors do all they could to keep his ailing body alive for a few more days.  Others wanted the suffering to end.

But...

What did DAD want?

It caused a lot of emotional scarring that to this day have not been healed; some of the family members do not speak to each other because of that day 6 years ago.

In the end, their loved one passed away from organ failure 24 hours later.  But in the meantime, the family did not agree what to do and did not know their Dad's wishes.

For 4 years, my neighbor (David, a Chaplin) visited my Mom every stint she had in the hospital.  That's probably over 50 times.  As a Chaplin, he visits families and patients ALL day long.  However, Mom was always sent to another hospital (not his) because of her insurance.  So, David would visit us as our friend.  And he would have to travel from his hospital to hers, to come see her all the time.

The VERY first time he came to visit us in the hospital about 4 years ago, Mom and I were leery.  Would he talk about God the entire time?  Would he overstay his welcome?  What would he say and would we feel comfortable or uncomfortable?

He came in and while my Mom slept he asked me, "do you know your Mom's wishes?"

I looked up at him, "Yes I do."

"Good," he replied.  "That's the single most heartache I see is when the family does not know what to do or what decisions to make for their loved ones.  Good for her for taking care of you." 

David is a strong proponent of Advanced Care Plans, as I am.  He has invited me to speak at hospital functions and I have easily joined him, sharing my Mom and I's story of her GIFT to me.

He also writes articles and gives presentations all the time on this topic and he shares the story of my Mom and I.  I feel like our story is helping others through the wonderful work David does for patients and their loved ones. 

Trust me when I tell you I wanted my Mom to live longer than she did.  But when my own Mom started to have "complications" (as the doctors would call it), I didn't know they really meant "she is dying."

For the last five years of my Mom's life, she had advanced emphysema.  On commercials, they call it COPD.  Same thing: can't breathe.

Emphysema meant she had to wear tubes 24 hours a day that flowed oxygen into her nose. And even tho she was on oxygen, she was still constantly "out of breath."  She would struggle to breath and be gasping for air after any routine thing like going pee or walking to the kitchen.  This meant she became extremely weak and fragile.  This meant she knew that the disease would kill her some day and every day she laid in her bed and thought about death and when that time would come, and HOW it would happen.

I was scared to hug her too tight because she was so frail, but boy would I give anything to be able to hug her today.

She HATED to wear that oxygen hose and avoided going out in public because she was so ashamed.

Her nightstand was stacked with all sorts of medicines - her breathing meds for the 4xday treatments, her steroids that she DESPISED, her allergy pills, and of course her anxiety pills (b/c lack of breathing and gasping causes severe anxiety).

And, when you have lung problems, it effects the heart.  So, she had numerous heart pills, too.

She would eventually have a few heart procedures and even had to have a pacemaker "installed" to help her too-rapid heart rate. 

Rapid heart rates cause you to breathe faster, which is difficult for emphysema patients.  It's a very vicious cycle. 

She would go into and out of the hospital due to complications from breathing and heart problems for 5 years - almost 5-10 times a year.  I called 911 so often, I recognized the guys who would come to rescue her to the ER.

I spent so much time at the hospital with Mom, it became routine, but extremely tough.  And every time she was able to come back home, we were so happy!  Her and I lived together and I was her caretaker, and our home was a safe haven for us both.  As an only child, this was a very beautiful gift I could give to her.

On August 16, 2011, a Tuesday, Mom slipped at our home in the kitchen.  That night the x-ray in the ER confirmed my worst fear - she broke her hip.  I stayed with Mom all night, as she slept with pain meds.

Wednesday she had a successful surgery to fix her hip.  They moved her to ICU right after the surgery.  She didn't wake up that much anymore and would barely open her eyes when I tried to talk to her.  But, she mumbled a lot that she loved me when I told her I loved her.

Thursday I spent the entire day again with her in ICU as the nurses gave her drugs to work on her liver or heart or breathing or her urine.

That Thursday night, I asked the doctor on duty when Mom would be moved to a regular room and out of ICU.  I was anxious for her physical therapy to start.  The doctor looked at me funny and said softly, "You're Mom may not make it through the night."

Wait.  WHAT?

You see, no one told me how bad my Mom was.  The docs and nurses were in and out several times a day trying to get certain organs working properly again, but she always responded well to treatment.  What I didn't know was Mom was actually dying; her organs were failing.  The treatments were only temporary fixes.

Her heart doctor said the break of her hip bone probably caused a clot to get loose in her body and they did not know that right away and it caused all the complications.

I cried and wept to the doctor and I finally said, "I need to invoke her DNR." 

Mom's body would be in shambles if she had a heart attack and they tried to revive her, so I painfully invoked her DNR.  But, it's something my Mom and I talked about, so I knew I had to do it.

Here is something I want to be VERY clear about.

Not ONE person asked me for her paperwork.  Not one person even asked me if there were other family members.  I stood there and they took my word for everything.  While I am glad they believed me what my Mom's wishes were, they did not ask for her Living Will or if I was her Medical Power of Attorney.

The head nurse would not let me stay overnight in ICU and I was LIVID.  I shouted to her in the ICU, "if anything happens to my Mom overnight when I am not here, this is on YOUR hands!"

To not let me be with my Mom the potentially last night of her life after being told she may not survive the night was HEART WRENCHING and almost, literally, unbearable for me.

I drove home that night in a daze.  Only ten minutes away, I told God that I knew he would not let my Mom pass away over night.  That he would not take her away from me without me by her side, and her alone.

The very next morning, I immediately came to see my Mom.  I had not received a call overnight and knew God would let us be together again.

As soon as I got there, I tried to talk to Mom but she was even more unawake. 

The doctor on shift pulled me aside in a separate room.  My neighbor had JUST shown up (David, the Chaplin) to visit us.  My Mom's favorite home health nurse (Mikey) also came by at that time. She stayed with Mom (who had been unconscious and non-responsive for over 12 hours) while David and I went to another cold, dark, lonely room with the doctor and a different head nurse.

The doctor told me my Mom was dying.  He said they did all they could, but she was not going to live much longer.  He then told me I had two choices.  They could try to keep her body alive for a few days with medicines and keep her comfortable, or, they could stop all the work and she be sent to Hospice (also pain free).

David sat next to me and cried.  I grabbed a tissue and as hard as I could, I mustered the words out of my mouth, "Take her off the breathing machine now." I spoke defiantly.  "My Mom would not want to be here like this, hooked up to all these machines. Take her off now."

I have no regrets.  I have no guilt.  I gave my mom what SHE wanted.  And that in return gave me peace with my decision.  What she gave me, was truly a GIFT.

I cannot begin to express how I had no anguish over what to tell the doctors.  It was extremely difficult to SAY, because I knew that meant my Mom was going to die soon, but I also knew my Mom's wishes.  And I needed to speak for her.  I was her advocate til the end. 

As I sat in Hospice with my Mom for the next 6 very long, quiet hours, I watched her and talked to her and held her hand.  Almost 11 hours after the doctor talked to me, Mom passed away peacefully with no pain, in Hospice, with me by her side.

It's very difficult for me to share this story because of the tough memories, but I WANT to share it so hopefully others will talk to their family members to tell them what their wishes are.  

Make this part of life/death "easier" by expressing your wishes.  PLEASE.

Give this gift to your children and/or significant other and/or brothers and sisters.

My Life Changing Moment

I have been asked before if there is a person or incident that I feel had a huge impact in my life.  I am very lucky to be able to give you a resounding YES!

June Hager Walter, a well-known pool player in Texas from the 80s and 90s, took me under her wing in the mid 90s, when I was in my mid 20s.  We went to tournaments together and became good friends, but more importantly, she helped improve my self image, self esteem, and confidence.

It's difficult for me to explain the true depth of how much she truly helped me, but I will try.  Because I went through an extremely valuable learning experience with her that was transforming for my life (and happiness), I share this story.  Not only because it helped me, but because I hope it will somehow help others.

I wasn't the type of person anyone wanted to be around in my mid 20s.  I would describe myself as a very moody and a sometimes irrational person that was difficult to be friends with.  But June helped me overcome some very strong emotional obstacles.

Basically, I used to take everything wrong, see the worst in things, assume the worst, was paranoid, had very low self esteem, you name it.  I didn't like myself… at all.

• I misconstrued comments made to me all the time, and then overreacted.
• I would take actions personal, then cry about it and be depressed.
• I would hear comments from friends, take it wrong, then wouldn't speak to them because I was so upset and angry for the way I "felt" they treated me.

Quite honestly, it's a horrible way to live and I was miserable!

And I know I was no fun to be around.

I would constantly be mad at my b/f for stupid reasons and I would always seem to be upset with my friends for no reason.  I used to ridicule my boyfriend in front of people because I would take his actions wrong; I used to give my friends or coworkers the silent treatment because I was so hurt by what I "thought" they said.  I don't know how I kept the friends I did and why they put up with me!

Besides my external overreactions that people witnessed (yelling, nagging, the silent treatment, arguments, pouting, etc.) I would also go through a series of deeply disturbing internal overreactions as well.  Maybe for days replaying a situation over and over in my head or over-analyzing a comment or event made by a friend or loved one.  I could cry in a corner for hours alone in my apartment or remain depressed for days on end.

I was a very confused, unhappy, hurt young woman in my mid 20s.

Luckily, tho, June helped me.  She literally made me who I am today - someone who is happy, confident, and actually likes themselves!  And, dare I say that people enjoy people around me now!

I joke all the time that she kinda created a monster, lol, because I REALLY do like myself.

But, I'm extremely grateful.  Had she not helped me, back some 17 years ago, I would have been unhappy for the last 17 years.  And that would have sucked to be so unhappy and miserable for so long!  Further, I have some truly wonderful and helpful friends, and if I was still the way I was, I would have lost A LOT of precious opportunities to be friends with amazing people.

It's extremely difficult for me to describe exactly how and why I took things wrong.  But let me try to explain it with an example.

This situation happened to a friend of mine, that I witnessed, which describes EXACTLY the way I used to be:

A friend of mine, Cash, was upset at our friend David because David played a little joke on him.  Cash was pouting and disengaged from his friends, sitting across the pool room by himself, very upset about the joke David had played on him.  Cash was very upset and mad.  I went and sat next to him, to see if he was okay.  David came over tried to talk to Cash.  He tried to get Cash to look at him and talk to him, but Cash wanted nothing to do with David, so he kept looking away and wouldn't even respond to David at all, as he pouted and was hurt and angry.

One of my long strands of hair fell on Cash's arm, but he didn't see that happen nor could he feel it.  David happened to see it, and as he up picked my blond hair to drop it to the floor, he said, "Oh, you have a piece of hair here."

Cash quickly and angrily turned to David and snapped loudly, "I know I'm losing my hair!!!!"

David was shocked and stunned!

David abruptly walked away.

I, on the other hand, immediately told Cash, "Cash, Cash, my hair fell on your arm.  David saw it and tried to get it off, that's all."

Cash calmed down right away.

I ONLY explained what happened to Cash because I was the EXACT same way!  And I knew he only overreacted like that because he didn't know the full story of what happened.  He presumed the guy was being a jerk, just as I would have.

I knew the way to calm him down was to explain what happened.

I ALWAYS took things wrong, also.  This was a prime example of how I would have reacted as well.  I would have given a friend the silent treatment as I sat by myself all mad, and then I would have overreacted towards the comment because I presumed something that wasn't.

I always assumed the worse.  No matter if your intentions were genuine or if you didn't even say anything wrong, I just simply viewed things incorrectly/negatively, exactly as Cash had done.

I had many, many numerous days and weeks of being miserable because I had no idea I simply misunderstood someones actions or comments.  I just sat around hurt and mad.  Insecure and vulnerable.

Before June helped me, I took things wrong for the first 25 years of my life, and I really had no other concept to lean on.  

All my life I labeled these inappropriate and overreactions as "being sensitive."  In reality, though, there was nothing sensitive about how I took things.  I just simply overreacted and had no idea that what people said could be innocent, or even complimentary sometimes!  I had no idea my view of things was so skewed.

To make matters worse, if I got mad at what I "perceived," I would then be mad at the person who said it to me.  So many innocent comments from friends led to the silent treatment.  I got hurt and mad at my friends, loved ones, and coworkers A LOT.  :(

The reason why (I finally figured out) was because my parents were like this, too.  They took everyone's comments wrong, also, all the time, so I was raised in that negative, paranoia, pessimistic, low self-esteem environment.

When June and I became friends, we eventually talked almost every day for a few years.  She was about 15 years my senior and a real gem to be around.  I, on the other hand, was a real handful back then in my 20s, yet she stuck by me.

One weekend in 1995, after getting mad yet again at June and another friend during a weekend pool tournament trip, June pulled me aside as she dropped me off at my apartment and simply stated, “I really like you, but if you don’t stop taking everything wrong, I can’t be around you anymore.”  

WHAT?

I immediately got mad and started to cry.  

The tears raced down my face as I yelled at her and tried to explain I had been trying to not think so negatively and be so reactive for SO many years to no avail.  I was so deeply hurt she called me out like that, even though I knew in my brain it was true, but my fragile low self-esteem heart couldn't believe she was saying all this!

She tried her darnedest to explain to me that I had a lot going for me and that people really did like me; jealous of me, in fact.  But, I didn’t understand.  I had such low self esteem and was so unhappy, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. 

"Why would anyone like me and why would they be jealous of me?" I yelled back at her, still crying. 

June explained, “you have a good job, you went to college, you live on your own, you have a great boyfriend, etc.” 

I looked at her stunned.  Huh?  

Then she added, "We all like you and you are a great woman, but you get too upset all the time.   I want you to like yourself."

"Well, I don't!" I said matter-of-factly like a little kid, and still crying.

She shared with me,  "Don't be like me. I don't want you to wait til your 40 to finally like yourself."

The words kinda made sense to me at the moment, but it was still a very shocking discussion.  But, I will never, ever forget what she said.  How she said it.  Never.

I fell into a deep depression after that talk, for almost a month, as I reflected about my life and emotions and why I acted the way I did, and what June said to me.

However, that frank discussion (which wasn't easy for her to bring up to me because I was so volatile) also opened the flood gates so I could finally learn to like myself, and to be a better friend who didn't take everything wrong all the time.

June continued to help me after that initial talk - she told me to call her every time I got upset after someone said something to me.  

"Really?"  I asked.  "You would do that with me?"

"Of course, I like you," she replied with a smile.

So, I would call her up every time I got upset at someones' comment.  We did this for MONTHS!

“So and so said this” I would call, super upset, usually in tears.

She would evaluate the comment and reply, “that sounds like a compliment to me,” or "I think you took that wrong, I think they meant this instead, which is a good thing."

"Really?"  I would ask surprised.

I simply never saw another side to the comments that I took wrong.

She really opened my eyes to the fact just how much I was taking words and actions wrong, and that what most people said was really, truly NOT a bad thing.  I was just raised to expect and assume the worst.

And sometimes when I would call her upset and angry, sometimes others' comments justified my emotions.  “That did seem rude what they said, I would be upset, also,” she would empathize.

So, I was able to see the differences and also sometimes validate my feelings.  But more so, I saw a different side to comments - and actually, a more common sense side to things.

When you are raised in a certain environment, whether you are aware of not, you react to situations how you saw your parents react.  I only knew to assume the worst.  And further, I was taught through my parents' actions to give the silent treatment when mad at someone.  :(  I knew no other way until June shared the other side of things.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents!  I'm not judging them or labeling them, just explaining where this side of me came from.  I was still a very, very happy child!

For many, many months June and I spoke in depth about my reaction and emotions to comments that upset me – she gave me the opportunity to see so many things in a completely different light.

She believed in me.  

She HELPED me.

Because I figured out I was like this from my parents, I even started to help my Mom with similar situations.  It was very therapeutic for the both of us.

Further, I also recognized (after June helped me) that explanations were the key to deciphering my emotions.  Eventually, I started to ask my friends what they meant or why they said what they did.  Most of the time, it was because my interpretation of the event was wrong.

The woman you see before you now has liked herself since 1995.  Sure, I was a very, very happy child and enjoyed being a kid and then loved the college life.  But after college, for some reason I became very dysfunctional with myself and with my friends.

But, for the last 17 years, I am one of the few women in the world who genuinely and actually likes themselves.

June did that.

I am so blessed she was in my life at that time.

Don't get me wrong, I still take some things wrong even today (I'm only human, after all), but I was one million times worse, and extremely difficult to be around.

And I still go over situations and comments that hurt me, with a few friends, to get their take on things.  Am I overreacting?  Why am I feeling this way?  SHOULD I feel this way?  Talking things out with people is very helpful.

And of course, leadership classes and courses have helped me along the way, also. 

My all-time favorite is this nugget, that I wrote about before.

Although the leadership classes were helpful, I admit the content made more sense to me because June helped me back in 1995.

June helped me get a head start on living life, when in reality I was NOT living life and instead very miserable in my own demise.

I am beyond words to thank June for helping me.  She literally turned my life around.  She was an angel in disguise.  And will never, EVER, forget what she did for me.

Walking Away is Difficult

Saw this quote the other day, so of course it reminded of me something and I wanted to share:

Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.  — Unknown

I can't begin to tell you how tough it has been for me to walk away from "unhealthy" relationships.  I would rather suffer in misery than take that step to finally do what I REALLY SHOULD do:  Walk away.

Why do we do that?  Why do we stay? 

I think simply it's because it's easier to stay.  It's easier to put up with an unhappy relationship, than actually leaving it.

While it may sound profoundly stupid to stay in an unhappy relationship, we do have history with that person.  We are still comfortable with them.  And we still care for them, even if we are unhappy.  And, it IS easier to stay together.  I don't want be the person who finally decides to break up, but I also don't want to be the person that was left behind.

Most of my breakups were because they broke up with me.  While each break up was necessary, and needed, it still hurt.

And who wants to go through pain and suffering?  It's easier to stay and be miserable than heartbroken, right?

The few times I broke it off, one being my marriage, I was beyond unhappy.  I was beyond just "leaving things as is."  I finally decided to move on; it was the right thing to do.

But there are other relationships I should have ended many years or months before.  For some odd, stupid reason I stayed WAY too long.

I actually REALLY envy the women who can leave when they should.  I envy the woman who walks away from a man because she knows he's cheating on her; because she knows he's not good for her; because he isn't responsible, etc.

I found myself in many relationships I never should have been in to begin with.

I'm not the type of person who views things long term.  I live in the present; in the moment.  So what if the guy I like is not productive or lives in another city, or whatever.  I didn't mind.  I was happy living the life I knew best - just having fun. 

Of course, that means making really bad choices, lol.  I don't regret a thing or a choice, but I could have saved myself A LOT of tears and months of unbearable heartache from guys treating me bad if I just would have left sooner, when my brain told me I should end the nonsense.

I have a friend who wrote down all the qualities she wanted in a man.  Writing down these things are so important, if that's truly the person you want to find.  She found him, too.  She is happier than I've ever seen her.

I'm not saying if you describe your ideal man he will magically ride up on his horse with his prince charming outfit on, but I AM saying that when you meet guys, if he doesn't have certain important qualities on your list, then you don't need to invest a lot of time in him; because that's not the type of guy you are looking for.

Still, be like my other friend and walk away (the sooner the better) if you have been unhappy in your relationship.  You know in your head what you need to do; it's your heart that gets in the way.  The time will come when you make that decision.  And you will glad very grateful when you do.  Life is short; you will find a good relationship(s)! 

Turn Around Don't Drown - It could save your life!

I really wish this was a law in every sate:

Proposed PA Law Aims to Curb Flood Barricade By-Passers:
http://www.accuweather.com/en/weather-news/proposed-pa-law-aims-to-curb-f/65268

TURN AROUND DON'T DROWN people!!

Friendships are to be valued.

I can't begin to express that the ONLY reason I am surviving the loss of my Mom is because of friendships.



WikiPedia expresses this well:  The value of friendship is often the result of friends who consistently demonstrate:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positive reciprocity — equal give-and-take between the two parties
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement

Happiness Is a Journey, Not a Destination

Even though I live like this already, doesn't hurt to share and/or be reminded:

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we're frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We'll certainly be happy when they're out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you're off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you're born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Introvert

My boyfriend is an introvert.  I need to remember the above points!  It will help our relationship (and he'll prolly not get as snippy with me when I do # 7, esp). 

Dream Tips

Thought I'd share two advices about dreams that people shared with me.

First.

If you are frustrated that you can't remember your dreams in the morning (like most of us), put a notepad near your bed with a pen/pencil.  When I was in 7th grade, our art teacher wanted us to do a painting about one of our dreams and he suggested this technique to remember them.  When you wake up in the middle of the night, quickly write down notes about the dream.  Then when you wake up in the morning (when you were suppose to, not in the middle of the night, lol), the notes will remind you of the dream!

Second.

I wake up A LOT to go pee in the middle of the night.  Once my brain starts to churn, I normally can't go back to sleep.  A co-worker suggested that if I keep in mind the dream I was having, lay back down still thinking of the dream.  That sometimes will help you fall back asleep.  (and whatever you do, never look at a clock!  That will just frustrate you to know what time it is).

Sweet Dreams!

Quick Skin Help for Your Entire Life

One of my good friends was a Physicians Assistant (PA) for a Dermatology Office in Florida for several years.  She saw skin on all different body types and ages, all throughout the day, every day of the week.

As you are aware, many of the "snow birds" go to Florida to get away from the winter months, so she had a lot of older clients.  And she noticed something interesting about these particular older clients:  some had really great-looking, cared-for skin all over their bodies, while others had dry, flaky, damaged skin (some even with sores).

Being the curious person my friend is, and always wanting to learn, she asked the clients with great skin all over their bodies why their skin looked so good and what was their secret?

Turns out it wasn't really a secret, it was a regimen!

The older folks who had non-dry, awesome-looking skin (compared to the other clients who's skin was itchy, flaky, dry, and not very pleasantly looking) shared that they routinely put moisturizer on their entire body after each bath or shower.

You may think this would take a long time to do, but if you apply the lotion right after you step out of the shower, while your body is still wet - before you towel dry - the water that's already on your skin helps spread the moisture VERY easily and effortlessly into your skin. 

It takes me less than a minute to fully moisture my entire body with lotion after a shower/bath.

The skin is the biggest organ of the human body and we should take care of the entire surface of it - not just our face or the other exposed body parts.

And if you start NOW to apply moisture after every shower/bath, your skin will not only look better when you age, but it will also not get dry and itch later in life.  The skin starts to itch badly later in life, but if you start to moisturize it now, you and your skin will be happier.  :)

Be the client the Physicians Assistant asks what your secret is.  Don't be the person with dry, itchy, flaky skin going to the doc to seek help.

So, do yourself and your skin a favor and moisture it all the time!  Start now.  I don't care if you are 15, 25, 35, 45, 55, or 65.

You are only given what you can handle.

From my friend Monica. I wanted to share.  It's proven very helpful for me.  I hope it helps you, also.

Whatever your cross,

Whatever your pain,
There will always be sunshine,
After the rain...

Perhaps you may stumble,
Perhaps even fall,
But God's always ready,
To answer your call...

He knows every heartache,
Sees every tear,
A word from His lips,
Can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger,
Throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish,
In dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting,
Somewhere above,
To give you His grace,
And send you His love...

Whatever your cross,
Whatever your pain,
"God always sends rainbows...
After the rain..."

To get out of difficulty, one must usually go through it!
After all everything happens for a Reason