Why Can’t They Be JUST Words?

Why do we constantly, really, care about words. They are just words. What is a word?

By definition,

“Word” is: Something said; an utterance, remark, or comment.

A word is something that the human race attaches emotion to. Why do words hurt so badly? And, how can we stop worrying, thinking, caring what words mean. Words are important and so necessary when we need them - words can be very comforting and help us through amazing, extremely tough situations in our life, but what about when we don’t need hurtful words? What about words that hurt us so much they consume our minds down a terrible road of ugly, stupid thoughts - what can we do to stop hurting from this little thing called, "words."

Most of the time, we don’t realize this, but we take on the responsibility of words. It’s ourselves that are reacting/overreacting to words. Let’s be honest, most people do not INTENTIONALLY say things to hurt others, especially friends. Sometimes people do, but therapists say that only enemies truly say things that are intentional to cause us fret, hurt, harm, etc. It's our interpretation of the words that is hurting us.

It’s very difficult to go through life thinking (if we can consciously do this when someone says something that we take as hurtful) “well, they didn’t mean to hurt me – they are a friend and would not intentionally try to hurt me; plus, it’s the way I am taking their words.”

I took one of those one-day seminars – you know… the ones our coworkers should be going to, not us. Hehe. In this seminar I attended, Managing Emotions Under Pressure, I took away one thing that was very impactful that I wanted to share.

There are four parts to any experience:

1. Event
2. Meaning/Interpretation
3. Feeling/Emotion
4. Behavioral Response

Let’s look at this in detail.

1. Event - The event happens.
2. Meaning/Interpretation - What do they mean?
3. Feeling/Emotion - Based on interpretation, we get a feeling.
4. Behavior Response - Based on feeling, we have an outward behavior.

Let’s look at two examples.

Example ONE:

1. My friend at work, Dianna, gets roses from her husband. (Event)
2. She wonders, “What did he do now?” (Interpretation)
3. Based on her interpretation, she is now upset, thinking about what he could have done that he felt the need to send her roses. (Emotion)
4. When she gets home, she’s upset and she won’t even hug him. (Behavioral Response)

Example Number TWO:

1. My friend at work, Dianna, gets roses from her husband. (Event)
2. She thinks to herself, “Ahhh, he loves me!” (Interpretation)
3. Based on her interpretation, she is very happy and smiling, thinking about how wonderful he is to send her roses. (Emotion)
4. When she gets home, she’s so happy, she runs into his arms and gives him a big hug and kiss. (Behavioral Response)

Emotions drive our behavior. The KEY is: no matter if the interpretation may be flawed, the EMOTION attached to it is REAL. I’m gonna repeat that again: No matter if the interpretation may be flawed, the emotion associated with the event is real.

In example one, let’s say he didn’t do anything wrong, it doesn’t matter. She interprets the roses a certain way (that he did something wrong) and that leads her to being upset – whether the interpretation is true or false... in her mind, it is very real to her. Her reaction to not hug him is based on this feeling, relating back to her interpretation.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could view/perceive events in a more positive light? Just accept words as they are: Something said; an utterance, remark, or comment. Why do we have to dwell on what was said, or consume our minds with crap and nonsense and wasted energy? Why can't I interpret events in a better light?

I go through my own ups and downs. Many people say I am a strong, positive woman. But, I, too, consume my mind about stupid shit I can’t control; focus sometimes on the negative aspects of thought; do not live in the present. I honestly have to remind myself of the way I want to live: Live Today. Life is a journey of learning. I love taking learning steps all day long – I love learning and being a happier person when I learn something new, exciting, and wonderful that affects my life and the world around me and the way I react to others. I am thankful for my life; know I am truly blessed; appreciate the little things in life; love my job; appreciate the people that cross my path. Yes, I need to keep in touch more; yes I’d like to write more letters/emails; yes I’d like to show my friends how much they mean to me; yes I wish I had more time in a day…

So, when I falter and think negative, or presume to think what others are thinking, or my mind loses control and I create crazy situations in my mind that may or may not be true, it frustrates me because for someone that is positive and strong, I still have so many things to learn to tame that part of my mind/life. That’s why life is so amazing and wonderful – learning, living, and breathing experiences that help us grow into the person you see before you. That's why the above explanation of EVENTS is so key to helping us.

Do you look in the mirror and see someone you like, love, don’t like? Do you see a friend? Be friends with yourself… and the sun will be brighter, you will smile more, live more, and be a happy person. Your best friend is yourself; take care of her.