A Holiday is Just Another Day for Some of Us

I know people mean the best and are not intentionally hurtful. I know many of my friends and colleagues mean well and want me to be happy.

I wish I could get across to people, though, to stop trying to change my mind about things related to holidays. Holidays are just another day to me... and more so, that is okay! Stop telling me I need to make friends so that I am not alone on holidays. Stop assuming I want to be with other people on holidays or that I should be.

I have been alone on holidays for over 10 years. Just because I moved to a new place and don't do anything on holidays with others doesn't mean anything negative or sorrowful to me. This is how I was back in Texas - it's not like moving has changed my holiday celebrations. I wish people wouldn't presume I need to celebrate holidays or think I shouldn't be alone. When I say holidays are just another day for me, I think people feel sorry for me or sad for me or something. What people don't realize is, it's more difficult for me to celebrate certain holidays than to not celebrate.

I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving since my Mom passed away in 2011. The holiday only reminds me that I don't have any blood-related family left. Hey people - I'm okay with my own tradition of not celebrating it! It's honestly my coping mechanism to not celebrate it. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's my way of showing the world I don't have family, it's my one day of the year to make a stand for myself. The few times I *almost* celebrated Thanksgiving with friends, I bawled and bawled and couldn't make it out the door.  

The last few years I started to risk my ailing heart and began to go over to my neighbor's house for Christmas dinner. It was hard, but they welcomed me and loved me deeply which helped the pain of the celebration. I wanted to rush home right as soon as I could, as it really is painful, even though I felt loved. I especially wanted to escape and get home when Lily was alive. I only wanted to rush into her hugs and her excitement to see me which filled my heart and soul the only way the love from dogs can do. 

Sometimes a friend will ask, "What are you doing for Easter?"  I would ask back, "When is Easter?" and then they would laugh at me. You see, she had Easter plans set ahead with her family, so she knew when Easter was. Me? No idea. I felt kinda judged and felt like they were making fun of me - I know that wasn't their intention, though, but the laughing hurt. However, in reality, I have no idea when holidays are if they aren't a federal holiday, lol.

In my new location with new colleagues, they don't know yet or understand that I'm perfectly fine with not celebrating holidays and more so - I'm perfectly fine with being alone on holidays. One person just said to me, "I can't believe no one invited you over for Christmas," not realizing I would say no to any invite in my new town and in reality, it would be s more difficult on me to muster the courage to admit I don't want to take them up on their invite. 

So many people asked me during Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, "What are your plans for today?" Um, sitting on the couch watching whatever series I'm binge-watching at the time. And I'm as happy as I can be doing just that! On whatever holiday it is. Which to me is just another day.

Cowboy Santa

I volunteered in December at Cowboy Santa!  Located near the stockyards in Fort Worth, Cowboy Santa is amazing.

In the photo below, you can see the long line of families waiting for gifts from Santa... It was shocking to see.

I helped hand out free presents to families in need.  It was heart warming to help, and yet also heart breaking to see all the families in need.  But SO thankful this volunteer establishment is helping so many kids have a great Christmas every year!!

Christmastime in New York as a Child

My Mom's parents lived in upstate New York.  My Mom and I went there for Christmas every year or so from about 1977 until my Grandfather passed in 1981.

It's the times in your life like these as child that you remember.  We don't usually remember the every day things at that age (I was 7 to 10 years old during this time), but the times that were memorable were the ones out of the norm and special.  And being in a place with a TON of snow and very cold in a tiny house with an even colder basement, made for great memories for this little girl from Texas.

Upstate New York is where the mountains are and all the trees - way away from city life or the hustle and bustle.

My Grandparents' house in the small city of Gloversville, NY had a large back yard, and it nestled up to a forest.  There were no fences or anything like that - back then you didn't keep your neighbors away like today.

There were a few trees right near the house, but then that large area until you came upon the forest.  It was so very pretty - just a very large area of beautifully white, crisp untouched snow.

My Grandpa was lucky.

You see, my Grandpa and I put carrots out for the reindeer on the back porch.  Then my Mom and he would tuck me in the night before Christmas.  I would ask about Santa and the reindeer and wondered how Santa would know I was in Gloversville, NY and not in San Antonio, TX and would he find me to drop off my gifts?  I was very concerned, as you can imagine.

Because some of the trees were close to the house, the wind would make the branches sway and they would scratch the roof.  My Grandpa and I would look up at the ceiling toward the noise, and he would tell me I better go to sleep as the "reindeer" were already trying to get on the roof and if I was awake I wouldn't get any gifts.  Altho it seems like I stayed wide awake excited for a long time looking at the ceiling, snuggled tightly under the warm blankets, I fell asleep really quickly actually.

Grandpa was lucky those trees were so close to the house!  Or else I'd have stayed up and ruined Santa's surprises.

Then in the morning, I would see that Santa did indeed find me in New York somehow!

Grandpa and I would eventually put on our warm slippers and big coats and inch slowly out the back door to see if the carrots were still there.

The reindeer had eaten them all!  And I could see the footprints in the snow of the reindeer all the way to and from the forest!

I was happy, mesmerized and giddy with excitement every time I saw that for those years.

Grandpa again got lucky - it was prolly rabbits or something from the forest.  As a child, I didn't study the footprints well enough to figure that out, lol.

I love having these memories of the white snow for miles on end, solid lakes Mom and I would skate/slide across in our boots, feeding apples to the cold horses, and the "reindeer" who came to eat the carrots.

Christmastime in New York as a child.  Yep, I was the lucky one.