I know people mean the best and are not intentionally hurtful. I know many of my friends and colleagues mean well and want me to be happy.
I wish I could get across to people, though, to stop trying to change my mind about things related to holidays. Holidays are just another day to me... and more so, that is okay! Stop telling me I need to make friends so that I am not alone on holidays. Stop assuming I want to be with other people on holidays or that I should be.
I have been alone on holidays for over 10 years. Just because I moved to a new place and don't do anything on holidays with others doesn't mean anything negative or sorrowful to me. This is how I was back in Texas - it's not like moving has changed my holiday celebrations. I wish people wouldn't presume I need to celebrate holidays or think I shouldn't be alone. When I say holidays are just another day for me, I think people feel sorry for me or sad for me or something. What people don't realize is, it's more difficult for me to celebrate certain holidays than to not celebrate.
I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving since my Mom passed away in 2011. The holiday only reminds me that I don't have any blood-related family left. Hey people - I'm okay with my own tradition of not celebrating it! It's honestly my coping mechanism to not celebrate it. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's my way of showing the world I don't have family, it's my one day of the year to make a stand for myself. The few times I *almost* celebrated Thanksgiving with friends, I bawled and bawled and couldn't make it out the door.
The last few years I started to risk my ailing heart and began to go over to my neighbor's house for Christmas dinner. It was hard, but they welcomed me and loved me deeply which helped the pain of the celebration. I wanted to rush home right as soon as I could, as it really is painful, even though I felt loved. I especially wanted to escape and get home when Lily was alive. I only wanted to rush into her hugs and her excitement to see me which filled my heart and soul the only way the love from dogs can do.
Sometimes a friend will ask, "What are you doing for Easter?" I would ask back, "When is Easter?" and then they would laugh at me. You see, she had Easter plans set ahead with her family, so she knew when Easter was. Me? No idea. I felt kinda judged and felt like they were making fun of me - I know that wasn't their intention, though, but the laughing hurt. However, in reality, I have no idea when holidays are if they aren't a federal holiday, lol.
In my new location with new colleagues, they don't know yet or understand that I'm perfectly fine with not celebrating holidays and more so - I'm perfectly fine with being alone on holidays. One person just said to me, "I can't believe no one invited you over for Christmas," not realizing I would say no to any invite in my new town and in reality, it would be s more difficult on me to muster the courage to admit I don't want to take them up on their invite.
So many people asked me during Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, "What are your plans for today?" Um, sitting on the couch watching whatever series I'm binge-watching at the time. And I'm as happy as I can be doing just that! On whatever holiday it is. Which to me is just another day.
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