Minute of My Thoughts - Caring

I shared yesterday this Minute with Maxwell leadership tip about Caring. Watch the short minute video clip here.

It doesn't just resonate with leadership, but also for me right now about my personal life. "Caring" is probably that "thing" that rears it's head sometimes directly related to my childhood.

I think what I wish for most is for someone who not only cares about me, but also shows me they care. And also remembers me on certain days.

Heck, maybe all females are like this? Heck, maybe all humans want this. But with no family left who might have been that person for me, and no friends who do this, it just makes the desire even stronger, I guess.

I don't dwell on it or let it get me down (I have too many blessings I'm grateful for!). It's simply just a fact I live with.

Not the end of the world, either. Plus, I know many of my friends care about me and think of me, but they have their own lives to live; and that's how it should be!

I learned recently not to get hurt over those things. Otherwise, I will just lose more friends. So, instead, I just don't take it personal or let the hurt get too strong.

I did look at Lily last weekend and start sobbing.... my heart was full of such deep love!.... knowing and feeling she unconditionally loves me and shows me she cares about me all the time. She really rescued me! She's been truly the most amazing blessing for me. I cry with her sometimes because I can feel how close we are and that we love each other.

I think this "caring thing" is more of just a beautiful wish that someday a guy might be in my life and show me they care, tell me they think of me, and reach out to me on certain days (good or tough).

And I'm okay with that.

I have been blessed to even know what this feels like - several ex boyfriends had been like this in the beginning of our relationship.

Minute with Melinda

Break Up After an Argument

I've mentioned a few times that I watch "Iynala Fix my life," a TV show that's on Saturday nights on the OWN Channel. The show has been pretty much transforming for me and I highly recommend it.

Of course if you start crying at home on a Saturday night too, lol, you can blame me. But I wont feel bad for you at all! Instead, I will be very happy for you because of how much you will start learning about yourself and why your relationships are the way they are, which will be very beneficial to you and those around you.

Let me state again that the show shares how our childhood, or how we were raised, or how our parents acted makes a direct impact on us as adults.

And this clearly hit me full in the face the other day when I thought of something from my childhood.

One of my very first boyfriend's was a guy from early middle school named Reagan. I thought that was pretty cool at the time because Ronald Reagan was our president and I was too young to comprehend how this guy's first name was Ronald Reagan's last name, lol.

He lived in a community where the kids didn't have parents. It wasn't like a foster home, it was more like a community-type place that housed a lot of kids. And each went to the local schools in the area.

Anyway, one of the ladies who worked at his community drove to my house and gave me flowers on Valentine's Day from him. As I reflect back, that was really quite impressive if you think about having that type of awareness at such a young age to have someone drive flowers to their girlfriend of two weeks who you hadn't even kissed yet lol.

At some point in this very short relationship, we had an argument. I don't remember what the argument was about at all, but after the argument, I assumed that meant we were broken up now! 

And I think this goes directly to what we see as a child.

I don't recall seeing my parents argue, but the last time I saw them together they were not getting along, and the next thing I knew Dad didn't come by the house anymore and they were divorced. So being the naïve child that I was, I therefore thought that when you get into an argument, you break up.

Luckily he explained that it was just an argument and couples don't break up automatically because of that. Whew! Thank goodness, as I think we lasted a couple of more weeks, at least, lol.

I was really lucky he was smart enough at the time to explain to me why we weren't broken up, instead of just being a typical young teenager and just being mad at me.

Hmm, this guy sounds pretty awesome now that I reflect back - I wonder where he is??  Just kidding!  I don't even remember his last name or even what grade we were in.

I want to add that these reflections and understanding of why we do things as adults because of our childhood helps us in our future relationships.  So, don't think that you are ill-fated for relationship doom lol.  Instead, understand that becoming aware of what you saw and felt as child can help you make different decisions in your adult/future relationships, if it's needed.

And the point is of this blog point is to give an example that what happened in my relationship was directly related to viewing my parents' relationship.  Just what Iyanla talks about on the her show.  Pretty cool!

Missing Someone At the Same Time?

If two people made an impact to each other as their paths crossed, is there a chance they miss each other at the same time, unbeknownst to each other?

I wonder if that's even possible.  Seems far-fetched, but maybe not....the heart is a miracle in itself.

The Effects of Not Having Children

This is a story about a woman who didn't want kids.  And the potential impact to others.

I grew up an only child.  Was never really around other kids, especially never around babies.

I was told my whole life that at some point my motherly instincts would kick in very loudly and I'd magically want to have kids.  Still waiting!  Never happened.  Not once.  Not even a smidgeon.  Is there really a loud boom?

So when I dated a guy in my 20s for 5 1/2 years, I knew the whole time I didn't want to have kids.  At the end of our relationship when we finally talked having kids (TIP - talk about it sooner!), I told him I didn't want to.  He was a tad upset wasting all that time with me.  But his other response was sweet: Yes, I  want to have kids, but I want to have kids with you.  Sweet or not, the boom still wasn't there.  At that I point, even with all the other issues we were having, we were done.

I couldn't give him what he wanted.  And he should go find a woman he loved who wanted kids as much as he did.

My next boyfriend I was with for 7 years.  We talked about kids much sooner.  I was very straight forward:  You want kids, don't date me.  I can't tell you if I will or wont want kids some day, but I can tell you right now I do not.  

I knew I couldn't tell the future, so I had to leave some smidgeon of an out if I did some day hear that boom to have kids.  

He responded very kindly:  I'd rather be with you and no kids, than not with you.  We eventually married, then divorced.  No kids.

My point of this jaunt down memory lane really isn't about me.  It's about these two guys.  One spent 5 1/2 year with me in his 20s, wasting his time with a woman who didn't want to have children.  The other spent 7 years of his life in his 30s being in the same non-boom boat with me.  

Both of these men today still do not have kids (even after 10-20 years).  

I wonder if I "stole" their prime years to meet someone who they could have had kids with? 

Now, I've stated before I have no regrets in life (still stand by that belief, as I believe everything happens for a reason).  If they each went on to meet a great woman and have kids, I'd feel quite different about these wonderments.  But neither did.  Each had a subsequent long term relationship after me, and each didn't have kids still.  One eventually married and "gained" a family with about 4 children and I just know he's on cloud nine!  But each of these men never had kids of their own.

Did I stop them from having kids after me?  Well, hardly.  Could they have found a great woman to have kids with?  I'm sure.

I guess just wasn't in the cards for them.  And no boom for me.  

I sense we are all very happy people still running around on earth, not disgruntled or depressed or suicidal we didn't have kids.  But, it's still pretty wild thoughts I thought of the other day and wanted to capture in words in my blog.   

Strong Significant Others

I recall a very poignant and heart breaking comment from my real Dad who shared with me that sometimes a person isn't strong enough for them at that time in their life, to be the best person for them, as their significant other.

Sometimes we need a strong partner to be the person on our arm. 

When I really deeply thought about it, it made sense.

And I saw what he meant, because my Dad's future wife was the strong, supportive woman that he needed in his life.  

While I am extremely jealous person by nature when I have a significant other, the one thing I really LOVE about myself is when an ex gets in another relationship after me, I never get upset, or feel jealous, or angry.

NEVER.

I'm never sad to see an ex happy.  I just know it meant we weren't right for each other at the time.  And I would be hopeful that their new interest would be the right person for them.

I think about what my Dad said.

Especially right now.  An ex immediately started to see a new girl after we broke up and they eventually got married.  While I did everything for this man, I was not the best person for him.  And when I see photos of him and her on FB, and read his words of love for her, I can tell that she is the better person for him in his life than I ever could be.

This isn't taking anything away from me.  I think I am a great woman!  But sometimes other people are stronger and a better "half" at certain points in our lives.

I see how his new wife is a strong-hold for him.  I see how she welcomes his family and prolly prompted him to reach out to them.  I actually like seeing their love for one another online - they deserve happiness (something he and I did not have for the last year of our relationship).

I am the first to admit I used to not be the best girlfriend in the world.  I wasn't mature enough to handle issues well.  I nagged a lot and worried more about my feelings, not how I was treating them - I was just immature and stupid, really.  Sure am glad I'm not that same person anymore!  Whew!

I truly and completely believe that some people DO need to be of certain strength and support of a person to help another;  to be the best significant other for them;  to be the right significant other.

5 Things Real-Life Psychopaths Do (Article)

Hey look, I found my ex-boyfriend described perfectly!

5 Things Real-Life Psychopaths Do:  ARTICLE LINK HERE.

Excerpts:

1.  They're extremely charming.
2.  They don't experience any remorse.
3.  They're really arrogant.
4.  They take big risks.
5.  They're master manipulators.

Wowser...

Today's Thoughts

....captured perfectly.  Can I keep thinking this and not be hurt?

Before New Relationship - Advice

I hadn't talked to one of my friends for a while and I asked him if he was seeing anyone.

His reply was, "no, I'm in self improvement mode."

WOW!

I thought that was really smart and worded so well.

Because we are all kinda suppose to get ourselves together before we get into a new relationship.  I loved this!

Sharing and saving.  :)

10 Habits of Happy Couples

Found this link.  Copy and pasted this below.  I like this!

What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.

1. Go to bed at the same time
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skin touches, it still causes each of them to tingle and — unless one or both are completely exhausted — to feel sexually excited.
2. Cultivate common interests
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand-in-hand or side-by-side
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand-in-hand or side-by-side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.
7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
9. Do a “weather” check during the day
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.
10. Be proud to be seen with your partner
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.
Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit… and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologize to your partner, ask for their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.
If there was one key to happiness in love and life and possibly even success, it would be to go into each conversation you have with this commandment to yourself front and foremost in your mind, "Just Listen" and be more interested than interesting, more fascinated than fascinating and more adoring than adorable.

Telling the Truth, and You Still Aren't Believed

I couldn't say the above any better.

When you tell the truth and someone close to you doesn't believe you, what can you do to convince them??  It's very frustrating to not be believed.  And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm at a loss.

A hurtful loss.

It's very frustrating to try and defend yourself even though you are telling the truth.

It actually upsets me very much I'm not being believed!

And I can't say words loud enough to express how truthful I am.

And I can't use any more words than truth, honesty, swearing on my Mom's grave, etc.

I don't lie about important things in my life, and important things that impact others.  It's not even in my nature!

I'm so very hurt and sad.

And I have no idea what to do about this.

What sucks is, others are hurting because they think I'm lying. So, we are BOTH hurting.  :(

I really don't know what to do.

I'm at such of a loss right now.  For the first time, there is no solution to something.  I've always thought there are solutions to things, but there is none to this one.  Either you are believed or not.  And I can express from my heart how much I'm telling the truth, but it doesn't work.  :(

While this may seem minor.  "So what, you know you told the truth."

It's not that simple.

I AM telling the truth.  I am NOT being believed.  And I've now lost a friend over it.

:(

So, I don't care how *I* feel, I care how the other person feels.

The Other Side of the Coin

I wrote back in early September about how low I was feeling.  My self esteem was shot and I had been told all these things were wrong with me.

A dear friend read that post and immediately wrote to me.

I want to share what he wrote because I know a few of my friends should really hear these words and absorb them.  It was very helpful to me and I know it will be enlightening to you, also.

I just HAD to share.

"The reason I'm writing you is because I just read your blog entry "I am Who I Am" and it broke my heart. There is nothing wrong with any of the stuff that you listed.  What is wrong, is that someone else, who presumably was supposed to have your best interests at heart, didn't consider ensuring your happiness and providing you with reassurance a high enough priority to comply with that.  In other words, the other person wasn't worth your time.

In a loving, functional relationship, the other person's feelings should be the top priority of both individuals involved.  And, if that person doesn't consider those things important, then you simply need to surround yourself with people who do, and not waste your time with people who don't.

Stop thinking that your way of being drives people away because the last time I checked, it also draws people to you as well!!   Rather, find someone who feels as you do, because there is nothing wrong with you!!!  Lord knows that you "checking in" every once in a while would definitely be worth all of the other incredible benefits associated with being around you and being loved by you."

I am so flattered by this email.  I read it 100 times; it helped me each and every of those 100 times.

I am doing much better now!  :)  And I am so happy knowing I am in a better place in my life.  :)

I also appreciate all my friends who love my unconditionally!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Beautiful Relationships

I have heard my whole life, you should be with someone who complements you and brings out the best in you.

Until that happens, you have no idea just how absolutely beautiful that really is.

And how awesome it feels.

To be told "you bring out the best in me" and at the same time to see that someone wants to ONLY bring out the positive side of myself, is one of the most beautiful things I have experienced.

And it's not just being NOT around negative people.

It's about surrounding yourself with supportive people, encouraging people, people that do not WANT to hurt you, ever.

To be in a relationship where we each complement each other is truly amazing and I'm at a loss for words how to even describe it or why it's so awesome.  I guess because we each feel special; because we bring out the best in each other.  I mean seriously, HOW COOL IS THAT?

Enjoying life together.
Wanting to be together.
Supporting each other.
Recognizing each others' attributes and bringing them out.

If you are lucky enough to find someone who complements you, and you them, then you are very blessed!

I have this now.  And it is AMAZING.  Waited my whole life for this, and it was well worth the wait.  :)

Relationships Reminder

Sometimes we need this reminder, so that we enjoy our relationships!  :)

You're in a relationship to be happy, to smile, to laugh, to make memories. Not to constantly be upset, hurting, and crying.