Lily Went to Doggie Heaven

My lovely and wonderful Lily went to doggie heaven on Feb 1st.

A mere 10 days before, Lily was diagnosed with bone cancer, a fast spreading cancer. They told me she had about a month left, which I couldn't fathom, and it was difficult to accept the terminal news. And then the time ended up much shorter. ;( Doing research and also watching Lily closely, she wasn't as active more with each day, and eventually I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

I have to say, deciding to put a beloved pet to sleep is one thing, but deciding that while she's still wagging her tail and loving on you and crawling in bed together and eating normally is horrific. I struggled and struggled and struggled with the decision, but each vet I spoke to told me I was doing the right thing because the bone cancer is so aggressive and excruciatingly painful, that letting her go to heaven is the best thing you can do for them sooner rather than later.

Osteosarcoma (bone cancer) is a brutal and aggressive disease. It usually affects large breeds, and the cancer forms first in one of their limbs before quickly spreading. Lily was limping from her left front leg, and it wasn't getting better on its own. When they x-rayed it Jan 22nd, that's when they saw the cancer. At that point, all the literature says it was probably already in her lungs. And unfortunately, those affected bones can be so brittle that it can snap and fracture, which kept me petrified and nervous every step she took.

Dogs hide their pain very well from us, don't they? But limping didn't mean that's the only time Lily was in pain, someone told me bone cancer is a actually a constant pain.

While my head knew it would be best to let her go sooner so that she doesn't have to endure the aggressive and painful nature of the disease, my heart didn't comprehend that. All my heart knew that it was the absolute hardest decision to say goodbye.

I think it was a blessing that I knew Lily had cancer, because after I learned that, I showered her with love and attention every single minute, whereas otherwise it would have been normal days of love, if that makes sense. Sure there was lots of crying and bawling, which Lily hated to see me upset, and nights were tough wondering if the next day was the last day, but I loved on her with attention every single minute. And she still had a huge appetite and yes she still wagged her tail a lot. As a matter of fact, we still played games, still walked down the street for her to go potty, took car rides to run errands together and I still spooned her in bed on the cold nights. But immersed between those was lots of slower movements and much longer naps.

I was given advice last summer, to take videos of Lily doing everyday normal things while she's still healthy and active, as you'll miss that when they're gone. And sometimes we don't think about taking videos of their routine moments until they are sick. So I'm so thankful for that advice, because I do miss the daily, routine interactions, but luckily I have them on video and I love watching her on them.

I highly recommend Lap of Love, an in-house euthanasia vet company that helps with the transition. Their compassion at home made it easier on me and Lily to be in the comfort of our house.

The in-house vet lovingly, carefully, and touchingly sent Lily to heaven. Lily was very brave, and she went very, very peacefully, with me by her side. I know it's a gift to her from me to end her suffering sooner rather than later, and she needed me to do that for her. I was honored. So difficult, but honored.

Thank you to everyone who always loved Lily and I, and followed alongside us hiking or camping or taking long and beautiful walks together in so many numerous parks, bonding outdoors or just in the yard. Thank you for understanding our love.

It has been just her and I together for many years. She's helped me through so much and our love and bond grew so deeply. We were literally inseparable. She was such a blessing!! 💙

The house is very empty, and no sounds of my best friend fill the air. But, I still talk to her, like she's here, because we had such beautiful, touching routines throughout the day. Taking our meds together, never peeing by ourselves, walking to the mail box together, joyful car rides, she always watched over me when I did yard work, and of course our loving snuggles every night.

Who rescued who? She did.

I love and miss you with all my heart, Lily Girl! And will forever. 💙💙🤍🤍

Valuable Quotes About Death

I have run across a few quotes recently that were so impactful to me, I am excited to share them.

I am hopeful these will help others as they deal with the death of loved ones.

I was watching a tv show called "The Therapist" on the Vice channel. It has a therapist on the show (Dr. Siri Sat Nam Singh) and he talks to famous musicians who are in need of help. We get to listen in as he gives them advice; we learn and get help in return, too.

Two things Dr. Singh said on one episode really hit home:

He said it's normal to sometimes not want to stop grieving; it feels like a disservice to let them go.

WOW! How powerful and so true! I think that's one of the main reasons I grieved for so long for my Mom - I felt like that indicated I didn't miss her anymore. But he said it better, "It feels like a disservice to let them go."

And just a few breaths later he shared this about his own Mom, "But I feel my Mother is still serving me."

OMG, that is so wonderful! I don't pine over the loss of my Mom anymore, but this is still a powerful statement and reminder. It seems obvious now as I type it out, but to hear his words was so much more powerful and makes great sense.

The other was a comment I heard as shared to me from a friend of a Mother who's daughter passed away in her late teens from brain cancer. The Mom said, "My daughter felt that she accomplished what she came here to accomplish , and it was time to go back home."

How amazing for such a young person to have this insight, thought, and heart. I was shocked. Amazed. Still am as I type this. Who thinks this way? Very admirable.

UnNormal Thoughts After Bad News

I am very thankful for something I heard and remembered! when I was growing up.

I can't recall where I was, why I remember it, or who even said it, but I am so very thankful.

What was shared was when someone passes away or when something bad happens, it's normal for us to have unnormal or uncomfortable thoughts.

That advice has been very helpful for me all my life to not feel guilty about maybe some ill thoughts that might creep into my brain.

The example they gave was very simple, but very powerful.  Let's say you are in your teens and your Grandpa passes away.  But yet you had a slumber party to go to the weekend of the funeral.  What was explained was, it's normal to feel bad about not getting to go to the slumber party.

Again, I can't remember who shared the story or if I read it in school or when/where I heard this, but it truly has helped me all these years.

Sometimes we do have kinda rude, non-normal and what seems like unnatural thoughts when we hear about bad news that might affect plans we had.

Of course, what you eventually do is your decision you have to live with, lol, but it's normal to have initial thoughts and concerns that sometimes don't make sense in our mind.  Shouldn't I care more about going to see Grandpa?  The feeling of selfishness, guilt or shame can be tough on us.  However, because I learned at a very young age these thoughts are normal, I don't feel guilty or bad; I don't let them bother me and I don't feel bad about myself.  

I'm sharing this to hopefully help others if you have thoughts that don't really make sense after bad news.  

Remember:  Normal!

Say Something After Loss

I went to Vegas one year for a tournament and ran into a friend I only see at tournaments and now on social media.

This was about 5-6 years ago.

She had posted on FB a month or so before that a good friend of hers had passed away.  When I saw her a month later in the hallway to the convention area, I gave her a hug and then said, "Hey, sorry about your friend."

Her response was not what I was expecting, but little did I know it would slap me in the face years to come.

She was SO thankful I said I was sorry and for acknowledging his passing.  She told me, "You know what, not even my closest friends have really said that to me."  She actually went on quite a bit and shared her pain, hurt and heart that hardly anyone said anything to her about his passing.

I know the reason I said it - because I understand death; I understand the emptiness; I understand the sorry and the pain.

However, there so many others who know the effects of death, and yet they still don't/didn't say anything.

Fast forward 5-6 years.

One of my best friends, Dave, passed away TWO days before I went to Vegas to help run a tournament just this past May.  I ran into, I don't know, close to 100 people or more I knew.  Almost all are friends with me on FB, too, so if they saw any post from the last few months, they knew either Dave was very sick with his brain cancer or they found out he passed away just recently.

Only ONE person said they were sorry for my loss and one other mentioned him to me.

I'm speechless.

I am just at a loss honestly.  Empathy of losing a loved one means SO MUCH to a person after a loss.  And yet hardly anyone even says anything.

I get the excuse all the time that people are "scared to say something" or "think they shouldn't say something."  That's bullshit.

The honest truth is we are all busy living our own lives and we become distracted, maybe selfish and we don't think of what others are going through.  I'm guilty of this, too, so I'm not immune either.

Sure, some people are very helpful and nice.  And I know 99% of people never intentionally hurt others during tough times.  But it doesn't really matter to even be cognizant of all that, honestly.

Losing someone hurts.  It's painful.  It's sad.  And some of us would really love for a friend or acquaintance to say, "Hey, how you doing?  Sorry to hear about Dave."

Instead, it's an after thought.

Like she said, even with our closest friends, we hardly hear anything.  And for some reason, it's always the ones we wish we would hear from that seem to really make it all worse.

My advice is SAY SOMETHING.  Anything.  If they don't want to talk about it, that's okay - at least you showed you care.  But, loss is not the elephant in the room.  We want our loved ones to be acknowledged and remembered; not ignored.

People think it's painful to bring up the loss of a loved one.  What's painful is when they aren't brought up at all while we suffer alone.

Remembering Others

I watched the movie Coco the other day on a flight.  It's a really cute movie about a boy stuck in the Land of the Dead.  It's a cartoon, so don't fret - it's still very cute and great for kids.

At one point in the movie, "Miguel (main character) encounters Héctor, a down-on-his-luck skeleton who once played music with Ernesto (the guy Miguel is trying to talk to). Héctor offers to help Miguel reach Ernesto; in return, he asks Miguel to take his photo back to the Land of the Living, so that he might visit his daughter before she forgets him and he disappears completely."

The part of the movie that made me sad is the very last part:  before she forgets him.

The Day of the Dead (what the movie also revolves around) is a Mexican holiday celebrated by people of Mexican ancestry. It is acknowledged internationally in many other cultures. The multi-day holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died, and help support their spiritual journey.

I don't even care about myself, honestly.  If I die tomorrow and no one remembers me within a few years, I'm okay with that.  But what I'm NOT okay with is people forgetting about my Mom.  The main reason I would love for friends to think about me on Mother's Day is because my Mom was so very special to me and she DESERVES to be remembered.

And now that my friend Dave has passed, what happens to his memory?  I don't want him forgotten either.

I think as we get older, this crosses our minds.  I mean, I know that there are millions of people we know nothing about who had no impact on history.  So, it's not just my Mom and Dave who eventually wont be remembered.  But boy, even typing that sentence out caused physical heart pains. 

After I'm gone, who will talk of my Mom?  I suppose anyone who happens to run across my blog will know of Toni Bailey (if this blog just magically stays up years after my passing).  But it saddens me to realize that some day I wont be around to help her be remembered.    

WTF.

Peacefulness in Death

Right after my friend Dave passed away in hospice on May 7th, I walked down the hallway bawling, barely able to walk, looking for a nurse.  A lady I had never seen before walked slowly towards me at the nurses station - she was unassuming, with pretty short golden hair and nice glasses.  She saw me crying, alone, and in need of a friend, and she said, "I'm a volunteer, would you like a hug?"

I grabbed her without thinking and hugged her, crying on her shoulder. She was at the right spot and perfect time when I needed someone to literally lean on.

When I'm nervous or scared, I ask questions or try and say something funny.  I had heard throughout the week, while I stayed with Dave in hospice, that after a loved one passes away, that several family members become volunteers to help out because they and their family were taken care of so well there; they like to give back.

So, when I was finally able to lean away from hugging her and could finally stop from hyperventilating, I decided to transition the focus of my sobbing to her to help my nerves.  I asked her gently, "So, I heard volunteers help out after they have lost a loved one. Who passed?"

She said, "Well I had a couple of loved ones pass, but not here."

I looked at her confused, wiping tears from my cheeks.  "What do you mean?"

She paused and confided, almost in a whisper, "I was the one who passed away."

I was like, uh, but you're right here.  

She explained cautiously, "I don't normally share with this with many people, but I strongly feel like I was meant to be here today for you.  I had brain surgery a few years ago and I died during the surgery."

Being the person I am, I asked, "OMG, did you see the light?!"

She shared, "Well, sorta.  What I saw was my family.  And friends.  And I felt so much peace when I died.  That's why I volunteer here at hospice, to try and assure family members that their loved ones are at peace when they pass and everything will be okay and you will see them again."

I was STUNNED.  I told her (tears started to flow again) that yep, I, too, now felt she was meant to be there, to help me out in a time of need. 

I could not believe the story she told me.  I had heard something similar from someone else before who also had died and came back, who experienced the peacefulness when dying.  But I had not even thought about it at all because Dave had literally just passed away and my mind was reeling, my heart was breaking, and I was a complete mess.

Marylyn normally doesn't volunteer on Mondays.  She goes on Fridays.  This day was a Monday.  There were so many signs that she was meant to be there on that day because I needed a friend in a desperate time.  What she said to me was at the perfect time; and a great reminder about life, death, and peace.

She stayed with me for the next hour while I called friends about Dave.  I wouldn't go back into his room, so she stood by my side in the large, warm, welcoming, hallway, held my hand, wiped away tears, even handed me a poem she had written - she had just a single one left over, ironically.  

I can't begin to express how important it was for me to see her that day and hear that story right after Dave passed.  And I think it's important to share this with others, too.

Being Prepared, As Much As We Can Be

I wrote back in early March that my friend was dying.  At the time no one had any idea when his time to head to Heaven would come, but it is more imminent now.

He is on Hospice.  Not IN hospice.  But hospice is now coming to his apartment and trying to help him out with meds and checking in on him.

He is falling more.  His memory is real bad.  His eyesight and hearing are going.  He still drives (although that may not be the case soon) - he even went to a movie last night.  We talk every day.  Talking to him and seeing him, one would not even remotely think he's so sick.

But the Hospice nurse told me he has about a month. Dave thinks maybe a month or two left.  Several people who have knowledge of brain cancer say when the time comes, it will be a very fast process.

I became his Medical Power of Attorney today.  We signed the papers in front of a notary and his friend Wes is the alternate.

Dave still acts like Dave, just slower and a bit confused.  He is ready to try experimental drugs on his brain cancer.  As he told me today, "Of course I want to try - cancer has killed too many people."

We wont know til next week if that option is even an option.

I have no worries at the moment.  I feel he is in God's hands.  And those ON Earth have prepared to help him.  He even got baptized last Sunday.  He has been attending church with Wes and Wes'  family.

To know the end is near is not something I can comprehend for him, though.  I can't begin to imagine what he's gong through - to know and be aware you are dying, how does one handle that??  I'd personally want to spend my last days somehow fishing while drunk or drugged up - doing something outdoors yet trying to alter my mind so I didn't think about what was about to happen to me.

I admire Dave's strength.  He's become my best friend over the last two years.  He's been so strong for so long.

One of my friends, Courtney told me, "I am very sorry to hear this about Dave. But you know what....Dave got to experience something a lot of people may never experience.  He had an angel on Earth looking out for him......you are truly wonderful for everything that you do for people. Your heart is very beautiful."

Her words made me cry.  Deeply.  But, I am just blessed to even be in a position to be able to help Dave.  That's how I look at it.

What started out as simply raising money for him, has led to where we are today:  I'm his voice for when he can't speak; I'm his advocate; I'm his friend.  Everything happens for a reason and I sure do love that this has worked out for Dave to have help/support from Wes, me, nurses, doctors, etc.   

As weird as it sounds, I feel experienced and ready.  I did this for my Dad, for my Mom, and now Dave.  I know for a fact had I not been there for my parents and been through all that comes with death, I wouldn't be ready for what is about to come and for the decisions I'm about to have to make for Dave.

But, I am prepared.  Dave is prepared.  God is ready, too.

Becoming a Friend

My friend is dying.

We don't know when he will pass or any timeline, but he went from being cancer free from esophageal cancer/surgery, to tumors in his brain in a 9 month period.

Don't get me wrong, he's not in hospice or anything.  He drives himself to Walmart or to his doc appointments, picks up his favorite ice cream or soup, so he's not on a physical deathbed.  But he's on a mental deathbed.

What started out as me helping raise money for him, has led to good a friendship.  He calls me his guardian angel.  He tells me I improved his quality of life.  And all I've really done is be there for him in the hospital (everyone needs an advocate), been a listening ear to his thoughts (whether daily routine thoughts or worrisome thoughts), and a few times I have paid a phone bill or did his laundry when he was too exhausted to get to the laundry mat.  I am the first person he calls if he has been admitted to the hospital.  I am his friend.  And he is dying.

I am not the only friend who helps him.  Two of his friends, Wes and Courtney, have also been there for him many, many times as well.  Dave calls us the "Dream Team."

He tells me all the time, "I've lived a great life, Melinda."  And he firmly believes it.  Which I admire.

He sometimes makes jokes about dying, but I can imagine he sits in his efficiency apartment and doesn't joke to himself about it.

Dave used to live out of his car for about 10 years.  Some would call that being homeless, but he didn't label it - he just saw it as his life for the last 10 years.  Being in the hospital with cancer in 2017, led to social workers helping him find a place to live, and also led them to help him sign up for a small social security check every month.  He hasn't had a regular income in YEARS.  His only income the last 10 years was from playing pool either in tournaments or gambling.

But he's still lived a great life.  Has lived in Ohio and Texas and Florida.  He worked for the railroad company for about 10 years in the 70s before he realized he could make a ton more money playing pool.  He's been all around, knows a ton of people, seen a lot.

And my friend is dying.

Again, no way to know when the end will come (well, for anyone, right?), could be one year from now for him or could be 3 months.  Only God knows when he will call him up.

He says things like, "That movie Annihilation came out.  I was hoping I'd still be alive to see it and here I am."  Or, as we pick out two 12-packs of his favorite shakes, "Do I really need that many shakes?  I don't know if I'll be alive in 24 days."

He's not living like he's dying, though, which is a really good thing.  If he had more stamina, he'd play pool every day like usual; now he only plays every once in a while.  But he still goes to the movie theater, still checks out sales on clothes at JC Penny, runs his own errands, etc.  You'd never really know he has brain cancer unless you were told - he walks around like every normal person and takes care of himself.

I have told him I want to be by his side when he passes; I don't want him to be alone.  He said he would understand if it's too tough to watch him die, but the only hand he wants to be holding is mine.

I am honored to be this person for him.  HONORED.  It would be my privilege.

Sure, it will be tough.  But I truly believe since I was by my Mom's side when she passed, I will have the strength and knowledge to be there for Dave when his time comes.

My friend is dying.  Did I mention that?

Here we are back in July 2017 at a tournament I was running when he got in my photo when I was trying to take selfie lol:

Who Are You At Your Funeral?

Everyone talks a lot about how much money they wish they could make. And if they don't talk about it, they probably think about it.

However one of my friends made a very enlightening comment to me about money and death. He said he was at the funeral of rich man and when people came up to the microphone to talk about the gentleman, they didn't talk about his wealth or how much money he made or how many toys he bought. Instead what people talked about was his character and what a great guy he was.  You would never have known sitting in the audience how wealthy the man was.

"I was at a funeral a long time ago where the description of a certain persons' life represented huge triumph’s, helping others, selflessness, etc.  He was also extremely well to do, but that was not mentioned nor even remembered.  Rather the impact he left behind on the world. "

I think it's a very amazing and interesting point he shared with me. Because you see, the person that told me this is actually a wealthy man himself. And he would rather be remembered and talked about for who he was and how he treated people, rather than how much money he made.

Obviously affecting others’ lives positively and making a difference is more important to us individually than how large our bank account is or what car we drive.

What’s even more interesting to me about his thoughts about this is, I wonder if the thoughts crossed his mind because he now has money?  I don’t have a lot of money and this has never, ever crossed my mind. Or, is it that I've never thought about what people might say at my funeral about me? Or, was he impressed at that funeral how much the guy had touched so many lives, even though his wealth wasn't mentioned?

Either way. Something to think about..... your impact to those around you.

Last Hurrah

They say right before death for ill people, that they have a "last hurrah" moment.  It's written about often in literature and articles.  Something they normally wouldn't have the desire or energy for.  Or, for some, they seem to have a moment of recovery.  Some people say it's God's way of giving last time to say a an informal goodbye. 

This was my Mom's - first time in 3 years she said yes to eating out with me!  Almost exactly a month later, she would leave me and the world behind.  This was at Carrabbas!  We had such a great day shopping at Macy's and eating out.  <3 p="">
This was July 12th, 2011:

Toughest and Most Painful - Letting Others Know of a Death

I have been through a lot in my life.  Things I've shared in this blog, things I haven't yet had the heart or guts to share, but I can say of all the tough things I have been through, the most painful ones are when I had to notify a family member that a relative of theirs passed away.

After my Dad passed, I sat in the same kitchen I grew up learning how to cook in as a child, with my Mom by my side.  We held hands as I made the brutal calls to my Dad's brothers and sisters to tell them their brother, Thomas Bailey, had passed away that morning at the house unexpectedly.

My Dad, Thomas Bailey, and I

I can still recall how difficult those calls were to make, and how excruciating it was to hear their reactions on the other end of the phone.  Lots of crying out loud, shock, yelps, etc.  Tough giving such horrible news.

I was blessed that one of my Aunt's took over notifying some of the other family members for me.  She's been a life saver throughout my life.

The other extremely difficult and similar painful time, was when I had to tell my Mom that her sister had passed away.

It was seriously one of the most difficult things in my life to do.

My Mom had been in a nursing home for rehabilitation and her sister, who lived in another state, but who was her only living relative left (well, besides me), had passed away from a long battle of cancer just the very night before my Mom was going to finally be discharged.  She was all excited about coming home!  Yet I was in such turmoil.  Do I tell her her sister passed away the morning she was leaving the nursing home, wait til we got home, wait a few days?  

I was a MESS!  How do I tell her this??   What do I do and how do I do it?  All the while going through my own emotions of learning my Aunt had just passed.

I talked to a friend of mine who told me her one regret was not telling her kids right away about their Dads passing.  They were very angry with her for waiting.

I soaked in that advice and knew I couldn't delay the painful words too long.  I decided to tell her as soon as she got home.  No timing would be good anyway, right?

I was an emotional wreck.  It was possible my Mom would have a set back, amidst all my other worries of telling her the dreadful news about her sister.

As I get my Mom and all her things acquired from her room into the car, she says, "I tried to call Gail.  I left her a message, she didn't answer.  Can't wait to tell her I'm free!"

I'm just as white as a ghost trying not to talk.

I get her home and my Uncle calls me, "I just got a real long message from your Mom.  Guess you haven't told her yet."  I struggled speaking, "I will tell her in a minute - only answer if she calls your phone, not Gail's.  That will be the sign she knows."

My Uncle really needed to hear from my Mom.  So, it was two-fold:  needed to tell my Mom right away because she deserved to know and also because my Uncle needed to talk to someone who knew Aunt Gail well.  He was grieving deeply.

My Aunt Gail

My Mom got situated and literally it was about 15 minutes she was home..... and
I sat down at the edge of her bed and I said, "Mom, I have to tell you something."  She could see the seriousness in my face and hear it in my voice.  She immediately guesses with shock and in tears, crying at me, "Are you taking me back?!?!  You don't want me!?"

"No, Mom......"  and then I shared the horrible news.

Again, it was one of the most painful things I've ever been through.  Hearing the news is one thing, but having to tell loved ones is on a whole 'nother level.

My Mom yelp and cried and moaned out loud in shock.  "I just called her!"

"I know, Mom.  Let's call Uncle Ray now - he needs you.  You need him."

Different Take on Dates and Death

I wrote a while back that one of the most important lessons I learned from death was that the loved ones left on earth are hit harder not on birthdays of their passed loved ones, but their deathversary.

Of course, this is all a matter of perspective.  If the person who passed wasn't close to you or you were not deeply impacted by their passing, then their deathversary isn't a tough day for you.

However, when I learned a few years ago that deathversaries are tougher than birthdays, then I started to take note of those dates.  So, instead of contacting my Uncle Ray on the birthday of my Aunt Gail, I instead send him a note on the day she passed away.

I also pay attention to conversations from my friends.  If they mention a deathversary date, I make note of the date so I can be sure to send them a text the morning of that day to let them know they are being thought of on their tough day.  Or, if I see on Facebook that a friend mentions, "today two years ago my Dad passed and I miss him every single day."  I'll then note the date in my calendar so the next year I can send them a friendly, comforting message on that day.

A huge part of my character is helping others so this newly found avenue to console others was right down my alley.  Further, it wasn't a normal kinda of solace/help, which is also something I lean toward.  I CAN do normal, helpful things for others, but I like to do unusual, uncommon, and more thoughtful, out-of-the-box things.

So, imagine my surprise when I'm asking a friend at work if I should contact an ex who lost his son a year ago that day.

Her response and forthcoming story really made me realize that, just as in most everything in life, you can't treat everyone the same.  You must know their personalities to be able to help best.

She shared with me that her new husband had lost his son from health problems when he was just 3 years old.  This was over 30 years ago.  She said a friend of his calls him every single year on the deathversary of losing the child, and sends his condolences.  As she's telling me this story, I'm thinking that is really thoughtful, until she shares, "my husband really hates being reminded of that day and wishes the guy would stop calling him on that day every year."

I stood looking at her in awe hearing a completely different side to comforting people about their loved ones on deathversaries.

While the friends gesture is nice, it wasn't well received.

So, as I walked away from her and the lingering story and her suggestion to not call my ex, it made me really realize that not everyone will want that comforting message on a deathversary.  Some will welcome it, yearn for it, would love to know their loved one is thought of (and themselves) on such a tough day, but others may wish to not think of the pain of that day.

So, instead of assuming one would love to receive a little note, text, message from me on a painful day, I'm going to see how they refer to their loved one.  I'm going to pay more attention to if they are still heartbroken or not.  Are they still grieving?  Are they constantly bringing them up?  Those are the friends who would love comforting words on a tough day.  For those that aren't showing indications of mourning or talking openingly on FB about their loved one still, and it seems they have moved on and aren't feeling so much loss/grief anymore, I wont send them a reminder of such a painful day.

Steve Jobs - What Does Money Bring You?

Steve jobs’ Last Words -

I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world.

In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success.

However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.

At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

In the darkness, I look at the green lights from the life supporting machines and hear the humming mechanical sounds, I can feel the breath of god of death drawing closer…

Now I know, when we have accumulated sufficient wealth to last our lifetime, we should pursue other matters that are unrelated to wealth…

Should be something that is more important:

Perhaps relationships, perhaps art, perhaps a dream from younger days ...

Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being, just like me.

God gave us the senses to let us feel the love in everyone’s heart, not the illusions brought about by wealth.

The wealth I have won in my life I cannot bring with me.

What I can bring is only the memories precipitated by love.

That’s the true riches which will follow you, accompany you, giving you strength and light to go on.

Love can travel a thousand miles. Life has no limit. Go where you want to go. Reach the height you want to reach. It is all in your heart and in your hands.

What is the most expensive bed in the world? - "Sick bed" …

You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.

Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – "Life".

When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – "Book of Healthy Life".

Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends...
Treat yourself well. Cherish others.

(Repost from Damien D Hustle Bryant)

Heaven, for Real?

We've all heard how some people who have passed away and then came back to life say they saw "a light" or "the light."  And that Heaven is real.  And that the person feels calm afterwards about death.  Calm and peace and not scared.

Well, I have never met anyone of these people in real life; only seen them on a talk show or saw a movie about it.

So, is it real?  Did they really see the light?  Really see/feel Heaven?

I visited a friend in the hospital a couple of weeks ago.  I don't know him all that well, just really through facebook, and he knows a lot of my friends.  He has been sick for over a year, and that previous night he was sent to the ER by his doctor.  His birthday was the following day so I decided to surprise him with a short visit.

It was really tough on me, I have to admit, because even though it has been 4 years since my Mom passed, hospitals touch me very deeply and emotionally because it reminds me of all her suffering.

As I walk in to his room, we said our hellos and he's laying in his hospital bed as a nurse is trying to find a vein in his arm to re-hook his IV.  Right away somehow it came up that I was nervous because of my Mom.  He asked me how she was doing.

You see, we REALLY don't know each other that well, because otherwise he would have known she passed away already. 

I told him she passed 4 years ago.  Without skipping a beat he says with a beautiful, calming smile, "I'm sorry, at least you will see her again in Heaven."

I looked at this man I hardly know telling me this and I thought, "um okay."

He then shared that almost about a year ago he was flat-lined after a routine gall bladder procedure and he died on the table.  But the doctors and nurses revived him.

He went on to share with me that he had seen his parents.  And that he is no longer scared of death. 

I asked all sorts of questions!

Were you upset they brought you back after seeing them?   Yes, very.
Is there really a light?  Yes.
So you aren't afraid of death now?  No, I will be at peace with my family.  And so will you be.

I started to bawl.  Like a little girl.  Like the little girl in this 45 year olds' body that missed her Mom more than life itself still 4 years later of her passing.

I told him, you never know what paths were meant to cross and I knew at that moment that I was not meant to see my friend in the hospital b/c it was his birthday, but because I was to hear that I will see my Mom again.

Even as I type this I'm crying.

The magnitude of that 5 minute exchange of my life will last me a lifetime.  I actually KNOW someone who saw the light.  And yes it's peaceful.  And yes you feel comfort and yes you see your loved ones again.

He was not afraid at all as he laid there in bed telling me this story.  His eyes were FULL of happiness and knowledge of the day he would be back with his parents.

It was on the one the most amazing things I have ever been through in my life.

(link)

Death, and Dates

I wanted to share something I learned the hard way.

My Mom's sister, my Aunt Gail, was born on Feb 6th.  She passed away in January 2011.

My Mom passed away August 19th, 2011.  Her birthday is August 8th.

So, I wouldn't experience my Mom's "death date" until after her "birthday date" the following year.

I know this is getting confusing... sorry.

I called my Uncle Ray on my Aunt Gail's birthday on Feb 6th, 2012.  To let him know I was thinking about him, and I was remembering his wife/my Aunt on her birthday.

He tells me that her birthday was "easy" compared to the day she passed away in January.  And I had NOT called him on that day.  :(

I didn't know.

I had no idea that "death dates" were tougher than "birthday dates," after recent passings.

I would find this out 6 months later when my mom's birthday was still mentioned from me, but it was the day she passed away (her "death date") that tore my heart out. 

Now I pay more attention when my friends mention "death dates" for their parents (or others) and I try to remember them.  It's a tough day.  Tougher than many realize.

Just a little advice, from little me.

5 Regrets Of The Dying

I found yet another article I wanted to share.  This one more profound than most of the others I have shared on my blog.

5 Regrets Of The Dying:   http://www.lifebuzz.com/5-regrets/

Here is a short recap, which I like to do just in case in years to come the link fails:
  

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. (This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.)
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard (missed out on their children's youth or partner's companionship).
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. (Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”)
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.  (Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.)

For me, Number 5 hits home with me most.

Death Timing

While death can happen at any time, at any age, I have noticed something that is very obvious: 

In my teens, most of the people who pass away were the Grandfathers and Grandmothers. 

In my 30s, the people who mostly passed away were my parents and people of their age.

I'm in shock right now today because it's finally happening... I'm at the age where people around me close to my age are passing away!  :(

I always knew this day would come, but losing a coworker today who is only a few years older than myself, is hitting close to home, close to the heart.

Death Should be Given Attention Too

"We have to prepare ourselves for our death with the same care and attention as our parents prepared themselves for our births."

"In our culture, which in so many ways is death oriented, we find little if any creative support for preparing ourselves for a good death.  Most people presume that our only desire is to live longer on this earth.  "

I thought these were well-stated comments about death, from henrinouwen.org