Different Take on Dates and Death

I wrote a while back that one of the most important lessons I learned from death was that the loved ones left on earth are hit harder not on birthdays of their passed loved ones, but their deathversary.

Of course, this is all a matter of perspective.  If the person who passed wasn't close to you or you were not deeply impacted by their passing, then their deathversary isn't a tough day for you.

However, when I learned a few years ago that deathversaries are tougher than birthdays, then I started to take note of those dates.  So, instead of contacting my Uncle Ray on the birthday of my Aunt Gail, I instead send him a note on the day she passed away.

I also pay attention to conversations from my friends.  If they mention a deathversary date, I make note of the date so I can be sure to send them a text the morning of that day to let them know they are being thought of on their tough day.  Or, if I see on Facebook that a friend mentions, "today two years ago my Dad passed and I miss him every single day."  I'll then note the date in my calendar so the next year I can send them a friendly, comforting message on that day.

A huge part of my character is helping others so this newly found avenue to console others was right down my alley.  Further, it wasn't a normal kinda of solace/help, which is also something I lean toward.  I CAN do normal, helpful things for others, but I like to do unusual, uncommon, and more thoughtful, out-of-the-box things.

So, imagine my surprise when I'm asking a friend at work if I should contact an ex who lost his son a year ago that day.

Her response and forthcoming story really made me realize that, just as in most everything in life, you can't treat everyone the same.  You must know their personalities to be able to help best.

She shared with me that her new husband had lost his son from health problems when he was just 3 years old.  This was over 30 years ago.  She said a friend of his calls him every single year on the deathversary of losing the child, and sends his condolences.  As she's telling me this story, I'm thinking that is really thoughtful, until she shares, "my husband really hates being reminded of that day and wishes the guy would stop calling him on that day every year."

I stood looking at her in awe hearing a completely different side to comforting people about their loved ones on deathversaries.

While the friends gesture is nice, it wasn't well received.

So, as I walked away from her and the lingering story and her suggestion to not call my ex, it made me really realize that not everyone will want that comforting message on a deathversary.  Some will welcome it, yearn for it, would love to know their loved one is thought of (and themselves) on such a tough day, but others may wish to not think of the pain of that day.

So, instead of assuming one would love to receive a little note, text, message from me on a painful day, I'm going to see how they refer to their loved one.  I'm going to pay more attention to if they are still heartbroken or not.  Are they still grieving?  Are they constantly bringing them up?  Those are the friends who would love comforting words on a tough day.  For those that aren't showing indications of mourning or talking openingly on FB about their loved one still, and it seems they have moved on and aren't feeling so much loss/grief anymore, I wont send them a reminder of such a painful day.