When Others Remember my Mom

One of the things that I believe I'm scared of the most is my Mom being forgotten. If you truly think about it, I might be the last person who will be the one who will keep her memory alive.

That's why it truly, deeply, hard-core means the world to me when my Mom is thought of by others.

On her deathversary, August 21st of this year, I was a MESS.  I thought I would be okay, and I was not.

And here comes Betsy to ease some of my pain!

I wrote about Betsy before, who came into my life on my birthday two years ago, which is another tough day without my Mom. She is the high school friend of my Mom and kinda now the spokesperson for the group to me.

On August 21st, I received an email from her that said:

"Just thought you’d like to see what some of your mom’s classmates look like now!

Nikki Downs Hathaway has a home on the shore of Lake Ontario at Chaumont. A bunch of us gathered there last Thursday afternoon.  Everyone brought something for the picnic and we had a beautiful summer day to visit her there. "

Of course, I don't really know what they looked like in high school, but it's still cool to see a group of my Mom's friends. And to receive the email on her deathversary, was again very momentous for me!  Check them out below!

A week or so later, my friend Courtney sent me this:

Most people don't even know my Mom's first name, (she has always been simply "Mom" to all my friends) so for Courtney to remember her first name meant the world to me. 

I literally burst into tears.

And... Mom is not only saying hi to me through my dreams and seeing cardinals, but through my friends, too!

Another reason this touches me is because it's obvious Courtney truly recognizes how much my Mom means to me.  That is immeasurable.

My Mom's Friends

I went to my favorite city for my birthday in early February this year. If you don't know or can't tell yet from my blog, my fave city is Las Vegas. So, I was very happy to be there on my birthday!

I fully admit I went there because I figured doing what I love to do in the city I love would not disappoint me, as on most holidays I feel alone and very disappointed. I also fully admit the reason for disappointment is because of my expectations. But even when I don't have expectations, my friends still are not there for me when I need them. So, I thought I would take of control the situation and just go to Vegas!

(and btw that backfired because as soon as I got home I was depressed again from the lack of care I still didn't feel upon returning.)

Anyways!

One of my dear friends lives in Vegas and I met with her the day before my birthday to go to Lake Mead for some hiking and to be "in nature," which was a really great day trip with her.

I didn't know if she even knew it was my birthday the next day, but she did and told me she wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday.  That right there meant a lot!  It really meant the world to me to be thought of on such a special day. With no family around and not that many close friends, her offering and thoughtfulness meant the world to me.

We go this little Italian place (Battista’s Hole in the Wall) that is a local favorite and it's a very cozy spot.  The menu's are written on the walls and it has several enclosed eating rooms - very quaint.

At one point, my friend Robin goes to the bathroom, kinda towards the end of the meal. I don't think anything of it really. I figured she had to go the bathroom lol. What I don't know is she is secretly telling the waiter it's my birthday and to please add a candle to the desert.

While she is gone, I checked my phone (I try not to even look at it when out with friends) and I noticed I received an email notifying me that someone commented on my Mom's online obituary.

I read the comment and I just started immediately crying!  (as I type this out, I'm starting to cry now).

So, Robin comes back and she's a little confused, because all she did was go the bathroom and then she comes back to find me bawling, lol. It was pretty funny.

The message was from a childhood friend of my Mom's. Yes, you read that correctly, my MOM.

"I just found your mother passed and will share the sad news with the others who will want to know. We have had a couple of get to-gethers this past year and many ask "What about Toni?" I found her listed as Toni Duncan on an Ancestry family tree, with your father. She was Toni Leach to us! From all I've read here, you are a very special lady as was your Mom. Please write and tell me about her life. God Bless and keep you. "

I read it to Robin and then she started to smile and tear up.  She was so happy!  She told me it meant so much to her that she was there to witness this emotional reaction from me because it shows how much I love my Mom.  It was quite beautiful to me that she shared that with me, that she was glad she was with me at this moment.

What my Mom and I never knew, was that friends of hers from school (we're talking 50 years ago or so) had been trying to locate my Mom!  But they couldn't find her because of her married name.  When they finally did find her, they found out she had passed away, but they were reaching out to me, her daughter, to let me know that they missed her and that the group still wonder how she's doing.

I can't begin to explain that I felt like it was sign directly from my Mom on my birthday, telling me that she's there with me and she loves me. That's why I was just bawling at the table (omgosh and still balling now!)

It took me awhile to finally respond, but when I did, I told her friend (Betsy) that it meant the world to me that they reached out to me and that they found her.  I also shared with her a link to a blog post I wrote about a trip to Christmas in Gloversville, NY as a child, because she talked a lot about the town my Mom grew up in with her friends.

What I would eventually find out, is Betsy read other parts of my blog.  So, every once in awhile Betsy will email me about a blog post from last year or the year before, and share with me some insight and thoughts of things that she's been through that might help me.

Betsy tells me often that my Mom would be very proud of me (which means so much to me) and also that her and my Mom's friends are very proud of me for the woman that I've become.

(I'm still bawling btw)

I want a state how much it means to me to hear this. I think as children all we really want is for our parents to be proud of us.  And for her friends to think that, just by reading my blog, really means a lot to me because they knew my mom personally.

Betsy mentions a lot of names in her emails and I don't know or recognize them because my Mom didn't talk about her school days.  Or at least I don't recall.

Although I think my Mom would have shied away from talking to her friends from her childhood, what I deeply feel is that it means the world to me to hear that my Mom is still thought of. And that she made more of an impact than she realized.

Betsy told me everyone was so excited to hear from me! I feel like it's a connection to my Mom, even though she's been gone for 7 years last month.

I myself shied away from corresponding with some of the friends who wanted to reach out to me via letters. The only reason why is because already know I'm really bad with keeping in touch. Well, let me be specific: I think I'm good at keeping in touch, but with short replies.  When a long reply is needed/necessary, I procrastinate until I have dedicated time to write something out and so I already know that those letters may go unanswered. While that is unintentional, I still don't want them to feel bad I haven't responded.

Betsy told me her and my Mom's friends talk about me and read this blog.  I hope you all hear me say (omg, more tears!) that you all actively searching for my Mom meant so much!

Let me be frank.  You could have easily just stop looking for her.  You could have easily just stop talking about her.  Instead, you kept looking all these years and talked about her still; wondered where she was.  You never gave up and you finally found me, her only relative left on this Earth.

I'm so deeply touched! I wish I could express this so much more eloquently. I just hope you all know that although you were all searching to try to find her, the outcome for me was a deep, loving feeling from her daughter.

I feel like you are all kind of an extension of my Mom and seeing me as successful woman representing not just myself, but of the wonderful, strong woman who raised me.

I'm deeply touched beyond words.

Thank you for never giving up on trying to find her! I tried to tell my Mom she was important, but she never believed me. Now, maybe she finally does after seeing this connection; that's happened because of her.


THANK YOU!