As I promised, here are my thoughts about something from my childhood affecting me as an adult... just ONE of the things I'm reflecting about.
This is in reference to the blog post I wrote about in regard to Iyanla's tv show and the self evaluation / self reflecting going on within me (not all bad because I can learn from it, but yes some shock and awe to the awareness and new realizations lol).
One thing I believe I see from my childhood that has at times been somewhat of a hindrance and has had an affect on me is, I am a big caretaker.
That may sound like a good thing. But I can tell you at times it is not.
Further, it shockingly now makes sense why I crave being taken care of or shown appreciation. Because I've been the caretaker for most of my life.
When someone does even the slightest thoughtful thing for me or think of me on tough days, I crater into tears with happy emotions. You thought of me? OMGosh! I can also understand now why when an ex bf made eggs and bacon while I got ready for work, meant the world to me. Why when I went to my Dad's house in Virginia and his wife cut me an apple to eat, how much that meant to me. It felt like love. It felt so nice being cared for. To be thought of. I can't even put into words how warm and loved I felt.
It sounds silly to think that a cut up apple would make me feel love, but when you have to do that for everyone and yourself, it makes that act that much sweeter.
Even when people help me with things like help running a tour, or fixing something in my house, or a neighbor helping me take things down from the attic, it comes with sincere thankfulness. And even the little things - when a friend recognizes to grab an empty bag to put trash in it (instead of me doing it first), really just means the world to me. It feels I'm being taken care of and thought of, which I haven't seen a lot in life - only given.
I don't mind taking care of myself, but I notice when others help me, I get very emotional because it's so few and far between. And I admit I really do love being taken care of because it's so rare.
Of course, I also get a tinge of huge disappointment when I'm not thought of on tough days. Reminds me how alone I really am and can't count of anyone but myself and God (those are two pretty powerful people, but can you imagine if I had even a smidgen of thoughtfulness being shown to me from the people I care about or yearn to hear from?).
I do so much for others all the time, and while I am not complaining and I enjoy it most of the time, I do admit it gets tough to do all the time. And now that I'm alone, I'm still the caretaker - for myself.
A friend of mine has claimed steadfastly, "I am a caretaker" - makes me wonder if she is proud of that, just has acceptance of who she is, and/or if she has the same feelings I do when someone does sweet things for me unexpected? (I will ask her)
I don't mind being helpful of others or myself - I love surprising people and doing things for others, and doing things for myself. But, I can for sure say that at times I have done TOO much for others, also.
I recognize I have taken care of my ex's way TOO much. After one 3-year break up, I asked the guy, "did I pay for too many things and made you feel less of a man?" The answer was of course yes. Even if he really liked me paying for things because he didn't have the money to have the fun we were having, in the long run, I got into debt and he ended up not feeling manly. (side note: I must add that this ex hardly EVER did anything for me. Definitely never took care of me at all - no gifts in 3 years, never helped around the house, etc. But it was ME that stayed with him anyway. I was definitely not an aware person back then.)
Even in high school, I bought so many gifts for a female friend, my parents sat me down at the kitchen table for a talk to ask me if I was having a sexual relationship with her. What? No. I was just super caring and I had more allowance than her and she was very poor.
So, you can see it started way early.
But, it's not just with money, it's with doing things for others. I surprise people with gifts they mention in passing, or send cards (yes, people still send cards), and I recently was there for a friend who went through a really tough surgery. I was there every day before and after work checking in on him in the hospital. While he called me his Guardian Angel, I can tell you I cried every single time I would walk in to the hospital because it reminded me of my Mom and Dad.
And when I take care of people, I don't think to take care of myself. I'm the last person I think of. So, taking care of my Mom for 5 years, I was on the back burner and doing self destructive things.
However, I must say I would NEVER take away taking care of my Mom or helping my friend. I loved doing it, even if it was hard. My Mom raised me, least I could do was take care of her when she couldn't in her last years of her tough life. It was actually an honor and a true blessing. I wouldn't change it for the world.
When my Mom was in the hospital the very first time (and over 4 hours away from where I lived), I would visit and take care of her and my Dad for a week or so at a time. I would be on the night shift in the hospital with Mom, then go home and fix doors, pay bills, file their taxes, go to the grocery store, and clean their house. Then go back to the hospital, after helping my Dad who was in a wheelchair get to go see my Mom.
These things don't sound so bad, huh? Well, while the work ethic was instilled in me and the caring of others was instilled in me, I also used to go overboard. Further, because I help so many others, I don't know what it feels like to receive care often. So when it does happen, I tend to break down being thought of or cared for.
So, let's get back to the childhood. I don't think I was ever taken care of. I mean, I was raised by my parents, but I also took care of them. When my Mom was drunk, I would take care of her. When my Dad beat my Mom, I took care of her. My Mom showed love by buying things for me, but as an only child, it made sense. We didn't have a lot of money and I didn't want any fancy clothes (luckily), but my Mom showered me with love and affection and bought me things.
But also being an only child comes with most all of the responsibilities. I'm very happy and pleased that I'm self sufficient because of the way I was raised and what I was taught by helping my parents around the house or yard instead of playing with the neighborhood kids on Saturday mornings. But I also don't recall being taken care of. I mean, I had to have been, right? But the divorce (I was 7 years old) took a lot out of my Mom and eventually she got amnesia and I had to go get a neighbor telling her, "something is wrong with my Mom, she doesn't remember anything." Turns out the stress of the divorce and deep heartbreak had a very weird affect on my Mom's mental status. After a stint in a depression ward, she came out with crafts she had made for me and she was Mom again.
When she started to date, I was kinda left alone. When she met my StepDad, they had their years of drunkenness together and I took care of them and myself when they could not for themselves.
All the times my Dad kept me up literally all night talking to me, my only saving grace was my Mom waking up at 5am and I could run to her to "save" me from his berating me for hours over God knows what slight infraction I had done. Her walking to the kitchen for coffee gave me my "out" to finally be able to leave the living room because she would mention I had school that day.
After my Dad stopped drinking and smoking pot, he was still mentally unstable. My Mom and I shivered together, but we survived it. My Mom didn't stop drinking til I was in college - that's a lot teen years taking care of my Mom, while also dealing with my Dad yelling at me for something lol.
I also was left by my real Dad. Well, my Mom and I both were. I wasn't able to ask him until I was 35 years old (we didn't have contact for 20 years) why he left us. To hear the difference in the stories from his mouth, his wife's mouth, and what my Mom said was so different, it was confusing to me. But, bottom line is he left us. As a child, that doesn't make sense. I didn't ride my bike or climb a tree in my teens wondering about why he left us, but I'm sure it has to affect me as an adult on some level. And my Mom sure thought about it and cried about it for years and years (even after she was remarried). I took care of her then, as well. Not really doing anything magical, but just being with her, being by her side, being the one person in the world she loved more than anything.
I want to state that no matter the childhood I had, I have turned into a woman I love. I do not forsake my childhood AT ALL. I've written before how I have no ill-feelings about the way I was raised or how I was raised. I loved my childhood, really. I also LOVE my parents (all of them!). I don't even think of the tough times (did I even have tough times?). To me it was just life. And when I reflect back, it's usually of the good memories. So, I'm not sitting around upset about my childhood at all; I really did have a great childhood! I've just been reflecting on it lately and wondering if some of the things I went through has affected me as an adult. Iyanla helping others (and us luckily getting to watch and learn through the tv cameras), has been a great thing for me, and I now see why I am a caretaker. And also why I crave being taken care of.
SO.
What am I going to do with this knowledge??
Great question.
Besides stop doing the obvious - doing TOO much for others - I am going to consciously try and do things for myself in a caring way. In other words, sometimes I would get a foot massage because I wanted one that day. Now, I'm looking at it more like, "take care of yourself - go get a foot massage."
I also need to remember myself because I am still helping others with situations or things (i.e. being a somewhat of a caretaker on some level for many).
I'm really just going to work on having a different perspective on doing things for myself, caring for myself. Trying to look at it as, taking care of me. Living alone and not having family or friends close, and learning that I can't depend on anyone, this is what I need to do because there is no one else around to provide this care. Or is there? YES! Me. :)
It's not to say I wasn't doing things for myself - I was. But I am hopeful that changing my perspective and recognizing that being cared for is something sought after in me, and so this new perspective to do things for myself, specifically to take care of myself, is the KEY. Does that make sense lol? It does to me . :)
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