Grief Counselor

I am seeing a grief counselor.  They offer this "service" through the Hospice center that Dave was in.  I decided I needed to take them up on it.

At first I thought I was fine, then I realized one day, Oh shit, I AM NOT.

I only meet with her 3 times - and have only been to her once so far.  It was for an hour.  She gave me homework, yeah!  And some things to read, also.  I can tell just hearing someone tell me the things I'm doing (err, not doing) is normal when grieving.  We already really know that deep down, but to hear her confirm it is really helpful.

I think just talking to someone who can validate what I'm feeling or not feeling is helping me.  I still feel bouts of depression at times, but it's not like it was the few weeks before I visited the grief counselor.

I didn't ever see a counselor after my Mom passed and it felt like five years of grieving.  I heard from a friend after her Mom passed, and she went to visit one right away.  I was shocked!  Who thinks of those things and why would it even cross their mind to seek help?  Weirdos :)

I actually asked her about this, and instead if me trying to paraphrase, I'm going to use her exact words because I love the way she writes.  (I actually interviewed her for another blog and continue to be impressed).  Her words helped me, I'm hoping they will help others, too:

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I got your card today.  I just really appreciate your kindness and compassion.  You went out of your way to try to take care of someone whose pain you understand – and I just love you for that.  

My mom was irreplaceable, as I’m sure yours was.  I was so devastated at first – poor Travis; he couldn’t do anything to help me.  I was fortunate to have two of my sisters (with whom I’m close) to talk with about it.  We were all suffering greatly, but we knew that the others understood the shock and pain of it.  And it was shocking.  Which is weird – because like with your mom, we knew it was coming.  But still… she was the first person I’ve ever loved who died.  One moment there – the next moment, gone forever.  I still cannot get my brain around it.

I don’t know what I would have done without the counseling that I had.  It really saved me.  It didn’t deny what happened, or try to gloss over it, or try to make it like it never happened.  She and I faced it head on – and that was exactly what I needed.  Since the counseling finished I still have waves of grief, but they are manageable and I don’t feel like a mix between a totally numb zombie and an insanely sad person anymore.  Thank God.  That was really, really exhausting.  Yes, I know that you know what I mean.

And, I know that there is still grief in there.  Today I had to go out to show a lake property to someone and it required that we drive by the lake house that mom and dad used to own.  I kept thinking that if I just went and opened the door, she’d be standing there in the kitchen by the window, smiling at me, like she always used to do.  But no, she’s not there anymore.  And I had to keep myself together because I was with a client.  It has put a pall over the rest of the day. Those kinds of moments will be there for a long time, I’m sure.  

I have thought about you a lot since your mom passed away.  I feel like you’ve handled it incredibly well – and I don’t mean you had a stiff upper lip – f*** that.  I mean that you have handled your grief with grace.  You’ve shared it when you needed to and continued to go on with your life, pain and all.  That’s amazing.  I never met your mom but I wondered if that’s just inherently you or if you got some of that from her.  Either way, it’s a really good model for all of your friends to see.  

I know I said this the other day, but I really recommend that you get the specific support of a grief counselor.  I always say if our legs were broken, we wouldn’t try to fix them ourselves, we’d go to a doctor.  But for some reason when it comes to emotional pain we all think we can do it ourselves.  

But truly, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since your mom passed away, that grief is the same whether it’s been three months or three years – particularly if that grief energy gets stuck in there, as it often does with people like you who are very strong and have a LOT to do.  Through no fault of your own, the grief has been hanging out, waiting for its turn.  That might sound ridiculous – given how much you’ve hurt… but in my experience, when you try to contain it a great deal of time (because you have to get on with the business of living), what doesn’t get expressed will sit there patiently, waiting to fully move through you.  That’s why the grief counseling was so powerful for me – we DEALT with it, in all its full force.  And it did move through.  

If you do decide to seek some counseling, listen to your gut about whether or not you’ve found a counselor who is good for you.  Just like any other profession, there are good counselors, so-so counselors, and crappy counselors.  In my experience, a good counselor resonates with you immediately.  

We’re both doing the best we can, you and I.  It’s been my experience that grief that is dealt with head on can be so much easier to live with.  I wish that for you.

To answer your question, yes – I had my sisters to talk to, but I was drowning in grief.  And so were they.  Did it feel better to be drowning with them than to be drowning alone?  Yes… but what we all really wanted was to not be drowning at all.  And there’s a very big difference between talking about your feelings (like with my sisters) and dealing with them therapeutically.  My sisters and I all felt the same; we were all really only able to reinforce one another’s grief.  In therapy, I was able to get an entirely different perspective – one that allowed me to get a little separation between the grief and me.  In other words, I had felt completely overtaken by the grief – like that was all I was.  But when I was able to get that different perspective, I could reconnect with the parts of me that weren’t just grief.  It was just the space I needed for the grief to lose its chokehold on me.  It allowed me to fully deal with the grief without feeling like it would kill me.

I feel much better now than I ever thought I would in only five months since mom died.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over her being gone – but I’m learning to live with that reality.  And I’m okay.