New Year, Better Attitude

This past year has been very tough on me in regard to friendships and drama shit.  I was never around drama, and I prided myself on that.  Yet I somehow managed to find myself in the middle of it in 2012.  Mostly from people not knowing me well, or taking things out of context, or not understanding things properly, or assuming things.

I was hurt more this past year than any year of my life when it came to friendships.  I lost a few along the way, gained some amazing friends, too.

I am a firm believer in the reason, season, lifetime philosophy and I know that friendships do not last forever, and I am ok with that.  But to be constantly hurt I am NOT okay with.

It's been such a weird year for me.  Along the way of losing friends and being treated badly, I also gained a lot of wonderful, amazing, special friends!  I became friends with people I never really knew how special they were, and I have been truly blessed.  I have also been supportive to some friends who never really knew how caring I could be.  And in turn, we became better friends.  That comes directly from caring for my Mom; and loving my Mom.

I know deep in my heart what a wonderful person I am to my friends and loved ones.  I live with all my choices in life because I AM a good person.

The only person who is suppose to matter, who's opinion is suppose to matter, is my own. 

But, that was hard this past year.  Very difficult to think you are a good person when all I kept hearing was I was a bad person.   My heart and soul can only take so much and to have it all happen in ONE year was extremely difficult.  If it was spread out, I could prolly of handled it more, but it was one thing on top of another, just piled on.

However, instead of continuing to be hurt over "friends" and feeling like SHIT and feeling like I'm not a good person, when I know I am, I am going to instead this upcoming year look on the bright side of things when something hurtful happens.

Basically, I'm going to find a good fucking reason for someone talking behind my back about me, or making things up, or calling me a liar, or not speaking to me anymore, or lying about me, or not liking my life, or disrespecting me to my face, etc.

That will be my new motto for 2013. 

I despise new years resolutions, but I really need to do this for myself, so I can stop being in so much pain, stop feeling so bad about myself, and stop having such low self esteem.  I really have had a very terrible, sad, hurtful, miserable year.

And I really, really want it to be over already... ;(

I haven't had such low self esteem about myself in a long time.  I was told a lot this entire year by all sorts of different people through words or their actions or hearing third party, that they think I'm not a nice person, or I keep doing things that are wrong, or I'm not a team player, or I'm a bad person, or I am a liar, or people are lying about me, or people don't like my actions, or that I'm standoff-ish, or a bitch, or they are treating me with disrespect. 

I am a human being who really is a good person and I'm tired of letting others' incorrect assumptions defeat myself and my attitude.

If anyone is reading this, maybe you are thinking, "if so many of these unfortunate "friend" instances happened all year, maybe you aren't the good person that you think you are?"

Quite frankly, dammit, I KNOW I'm a good person and people's judgment of me should have no effect on my emotions, heart, or self esteem.

I deserve more for myself.

If you truly know me, get to know me, and don't judge me, you will see the beautiful human being that I can be; that I AM.

You are in control of your happiness.

Happiness is easy..we just have to decide to be.

All the happiness you ever find lies in you.

I'm tired of being kicked in the groin, and feeling so badly about what others have said, I cry myself to sleep.

I have honestly been shocked about the things I have heard over the past year what people said about me. 

But, in the end, it's my choice how to take words.

I can choose my response to actions and words.

I can decide who hurts me or not.

I have that control, and I need to utilize it to the fullest.

I just needed to realize all this so I can be mentally stronger about it all.

I was too hurt and still mourning the loss of my Mom to be strong in any area of my life.  I admit it - I was mentally weak.  And, these "friends" kicked me when I was down.

I want to be stronger.  I NEED to be stronger.  Because quite honestly, I really, REALLY can't take it anymore.

Verbal Abuse and College

It's very difficult for me to express how torn I am about my Dad.  I call him my Dad because he was in my life since 11, but he is my StepDad.  My Real Dad, I say "Real Dad," to distinguish. 

My Dad was a very difficult man to live with.  He verbally abused my Mom and I for 25 years.  You may think that's silly.  "If he was in your life starting at 11, then that means he verbally abused you into your mid 30s?" you are asking yourself.  "How can anyone verbally abuse an adult child that moved away?"

Easy.

Even though I moved out to go to college at 18 and then lived on my own after that, even though I wasn't physically around for him to verbally abuse me, he did it via long distance, on the phone; through that stupid, freaking phone.  Or when I visited them throughout the next 18 years.

My torture lies in the fact that my Dad was a very strong proponent of college.  He kinda forced me to get good grades.  I really had no choice.  He wouldn't allow it.  He was the strict one of the two for sure.

My Mom always felt bad when I said that it was my Dad that made me go to college.  I do accept that my Mom was a huge proponent of me going to college, also, and she paid for most of my loans and ensured I was taken care of.  But she didn't get on to me about my grades.  My Dad was the one who would kill me if I came home with bad grades.  I was literally too scared NOT to get good grades.

So here is my dilemma that I have struggled with.  The man that verbally abused me, made me go to college.  Because of that, I have a great paying job, a great house, a great car, a great life.  Because of him. 

Sure, I had some help along the way with my decisions, but I had to first live in a home knowing I had no choice about going to college.

But, it's the man who verbally abused me and really, honestly, made it very tough for my Mom and I.  For 25 years.

I would find out through counseling (that I had to start going to at age 35 because I could no longer handle his anger and rudeness) that he prolly had a few mental issues (like immature personality disorder for example) that had something to do with his extreme anger, weird paranoia, and negativism.

He would call me from San Antonio, when I lived in the Dallas area, and ask me where my Mom was.

What?  I have no idea.  I am 34 years old and live 5 hours away.   

"She's not at home from work yet.  It's already 7pm and she got off at 5pm.  She's prolly dead on the side of the road after being raped," he would say with such conviction like he truly believed it.

"What?  Uh, no I haven't heard from her. I'm sure she's ok.  Running an errand or something."

"Well, if she doesn't come home soon, I'm gonna have to call the police."

"Ok, well, let me know...." I begged, as he slammed the phone in my ear.

And later I would call and he would answer all fine, "Oh, I forgot she had to go to the grocery store."  Never once thinking to call and update me on her missing, bloodied body.

One time at Christmas, I was living away after college and I bought all these presents for him and my Mom.  He opened one of the boxes and it was these cool slippers I thought he would like.

He opens them, looks at the size, and then THROWS them across the room! "Those aren't my size," he'd yell all upset and angry and hurt, like a little kid.

There were times my Dad was the greatest.  When I bought my first car, my Mom went into the house jealous without saying a word to me; I was DEEPLY hurt.  My Dad, he came up to me, kissed me on the forehead and said "I'm so proud of you, kid."  He knew my unreliable truck needed to be replaced and he also knew the feeling of your first-ever-new-car.  He also knew, "I made it."  I had a good job; because I went to college.

He also used to write little notes all the time to my Mom.  Most were apology notes, but many were how much he loved her, with really sweet words.  And after I moved away, he would write me letters about his every day life at home after he was disabled from severe heart disease and diabetes (he would joke about the squirrels or talk about his fav dog/cat).  I even found a note after his passing, that he left for me that was very sweet, special, and surprising how he left it for me to find!

Please don't think his verbal abuse was a daily thing; as it wasn't.  But, it was often enough that my Mom and I had to be very careful how we worded things; and we were very nervous and scared a lot.  It got worse with his age and because he was in so much pain from his health issues.  I suppose he took it all out on us when he would get hurt, upset, enraged, or was in pain.  For 25 years we endured his Dr Jekyll and My Hyde personality.

But, he also hung up on me a lot.  As someone who didn't understand what was going on, it was pretty tough to get yelled at then the phone slammed down in your face.

I didn't know til his funeral that he did the same thing to his sisters.  I wish I would have known that before; it would have saved me a lot of pain to know he was like that to everyone, not just special 'ole me.  When I heard from my Aunt, "he used to do that to me, also" I started to bawl.  Like a baby.

He would also yell at waiters and waitresses a lot if his food order was wrong.  My Mom and I always got scared when we went out to eat with him because we never knew if he would blow up at some unfortunate soul for something he overreacted about.  We were embarrassed and ashamed a lot.

About 5 months before his death, he was so mean and terrifying to my Mom's nurses at the hospital, the Doctor told me they were close to calling security to remove him from the premises!  As I reflect back, of course now I see that my Dad was just frightened himself about my Mom's health and wanted the nurses to treat her better.  He didn't know how to handle his emotions except through anger and yelling.

It turns out I became a pro a yelling at people.  :(  I learned from the best!  I used to not be able to control it, but I am 1000 times better now.

However, if you see that side of me, it means I'm REALLY pissed.  I hope no one ever sees that side of me.  It's not pretty.

But, when all you see your entire childhood and into your 20s is verbal abuse, I admit I didn't know any better;  I didn't know I wasn't suppose to yell at people.  Eventually my Mom would have to yell back at him, when she had the balls.  His voice would rise like the loudest clap of thunder you ever heard.  With his mean stare, loud voice, ugly and mean words, we mostly cowered.  We hardly ever defended ourselves because we were so damn scared of him.

My neighbors would tell me later that they always thought they would need to call the cops, because they could hear him yelling at my Mom through the walls and feared the worst sometimes.

He used to keep me up all night a lot in my teens and just talk to me... ALL night long.... about what I needed to do and what I was doing wrong.  If I yawned, he would yell at me, "Am I boring you?!?!"  This is at 3am when he's been berating me for hours on end, usually on a school night.

One time I fainted in church the next day because he kept me up all night. 

I was SO thankful my Mom used to get up at 415am for work, because I could finally get away from him and run into my room when she would walk down the hall to ask him, "what is she still doing up?"

One Summer when I was in college, I was trying to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon at my boyfriends apartment.  He was messing with the radio in the living room and it kept me from sleeping.  I finally couldn't handle it anymore!  I flew out the bedroom door, stormed into the living room, and shouted at him, "I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP IN HERE!  TURN THAT DOWN!"

I stormed back into the room and jumped back in the bed, with a huge scowl on my forehead.  I was SO angry he was being so rude and inconsiderate!

He came in a few minutes later.  I figured he was going to apologize, but I was not ready to accept any apology from him!  I was too agitated and upset.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and said to me, almost in a whisper, and with very calm words, "All you had to do was ask."

And he left the room.

That was THE first time I learned you didn't have to yell at people to get them to do things.  That you SHOULDN'T yell at people.  Honestly.  First time I ever knew that.  :(

I was 22 years old.

I'm like any child - I did what my parents did and learned from example.  I acted just like them.  They would yell like that at each other ALL the time at the house.  I honestly knew no different.  My Dad would even wake up my Mom or I just to yell at us for something that had been festering in his mind for a couple of hours overnight.  It was brutal.

My Dad loved my Mom and I more than anything in this world.  I was the daughter he always wanted.  His wife, he considered his soul mate.  But, he had some issues that made him not understand his severe verbal abuse issues.

Since he has passed and I can think clearer, it's pretty obvious he had some mental issues.

I came home from college one time and put on the dining table about 10-20 pages I printed about verbal abuse.  He picked them up, looked at the title and said, "What is this?  I don't do this." and slammed them down on the table and stomped away very angry.

Yea, I did not handle that well.

What was I thinking?  He'd magically read all the papers and have an 'Ah Ha' moment and stop yelling at us?

So, after the incident from the boyfriend, I am NOT exaggerating to tell you it still took me 10-14 years to finally stop yelling at people.  Even tho I heard what the b/f at the time said, and FINALLY found out verbal abuse and yelling was NOT the norm, it still took me a very long time to stop doing it.

I had a couple of friends who helped me.  They would point out when I was treating waiters and waitresses wrong.  It was such a habit for me!  And I was only able to finally control it after years and years.  As I type this, I am SHOCKED it took me 10-14 years to stop yelling at people for little things for no reason.  It was tough to control.  :(

Why did my Mom stay?  Well, she didn't want another "divorce" on her hands.  She felt ashamed if another marriage didn't last.  That's how she was raised - in a time period where divorce was a huge failure looked down on.  And so she stayed with him for all those years so SHE wouldn't look bad.

He continued to hang up on me, yell at me on the phone, and was very rude to me off and on even after I left the roost.  In my mid 30s, I finally bought a tape recorder thingy for my cell phone to record his harassing messages and phone calls.  I couldn't take it anymore.  It was causing me to go into SEVERE depression, and that's about the time I also seeked counseling (which was very helpful, btw).  I don't know what I planned with those messages.  I again assumed he would magically not yell at us anymore if I showed him and made him hear himself, and how he treated us.  I never did tell him about the tapes.  I hope I never run across them.

After his passing, my Mom used to have dreams/nightmares of him yelling at her.  I still have those dreams/nightmares to this day.  It's not pleasant, I admit. 

But, as much as I should be upset and ticked at my Dad for verbally abusing my Mom and I, it is still because of his love for me that I grew up in a household where college was the ONLY option.

I was very blessed that my Dad and I got along the last 6 months of his life.  Before that, I was very upset at him and didn't like him for treating my Mom badly.  Yell at me all you want and hang up on me all the time, but when he continued to yell and scream at my Mom, it broke my heart and caused me to not like him for many years.  I don't think he knew how I felt, as I obviously couldn't show him.  The last thing you want is the wrath from my Dad.  That was not a good thing to see or be a part of.

But, the last six months, he trusted me 100% with his life and my Mom's life and finally saw me as an adult.  He even started to not make ANY decisions without me.  I'm talking BIG decisions; and any and all decisions or choices for he and my Mother.  He finally saw me as the responsible adult he and my Mom had raised.  I enjoyed our last six month together and got to see the REAL Dad in that body.

It's extremely difficult for me to talk about this, as I don't want people to think bad of him, and he still has relatives (sisters and brothers) that I am in contact with.  But the facts are the facts.  He could be a really bad person, but he could also be a really good person.

I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them.  And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.

I never have regrets about anything in my life or my past.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  I don't look back and wish he didn't treat us badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it.  I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood.  It was just the way I lived.  He didn't know any better.  I have to say it was a relief to find out he prolly had some sort of mental disease.  I never wanted to think he was just a jerk.  He just had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we survived it. 

My Pie Was Missing

P.I.E. is well known in the leadership world.

It's not just your Performance or how well you do your job that can help you get a promotion, but if the selecting officials recognize your name (Exposure), or have heard of the projects you are involved with, that is better for you in the long run.  And let's not forget about your Image; if you are looked upon as a good person, personable, friendly, and they have heard that - it's great for a promotion.  Employees love People Persons (people that get along well with others).

P.I.E. = Performance, Image, Exposure

And here's how it breakdowns:

Surprised??  Performance is only 10% of a promotion.  Only ten!  Exposure and Image are more important.

Taken these words from another blog:

"Although Harvey Coleman's book Empowering Yourself, The Organizational Game Revealed was published way back in 1996, its implications still resonate true today. If all you do is perform your job well then you’ll get some form of pay raise or bonus, which for some people is perfectly okay. To get a promotion you’ll need to perform well, cultivate a positive image, and proactively gain exposure to a broad array of the right stakeholders."

Briefly stated, Coleman asserts that career success is based on the 3 key elements of Performance, Image and Exposure (a.k.a. PIE):

1. Performance: this is about the day-to-day work you’re tasked with and the quality of the results you deliver.
2. Image: this is what other people think of you. Your personal brand. Do you maintain a positive attitude? Do you lead with solutions to issues, or are you the person that solely offers roadblocks when others suggest changes or alternatives?
3. Exposure: Who knows about you and what you do? Does your boss know what you do? Does their boss know you and what you do? Do others inside and outside your organization know anything about you?

I was taught this in my leadership classes over 12 years ago.  I lived and breathed it, hearing the advice from the leaders around me.  Then, a couple of my positive bosses moved on, and a negative was left behind.  He was from another mold, and it really brought me down.

But, something worse happened that I didn't see with my own eyes, for over a year or more.

I am saddened to write this, but I no longer lived and breathed Pie.  While I was still a great worker, a team player, the go-to person, the manager/friend people could depend on, I also lost part of my personality.

And part of our personality is the best part of PIE.

You see, I lost my best friend, my Mom, in August 2011.  She considered me the "love of her life."  I cared for her for 4 years, but the last year was the worst.  I was with her in and out of hospitals for over 3 years, with the last being the longest stays and the worst times. 

While I still did my job very well, and was dependable and got all my work completed, I wasn't the same happy person as I used to be.

And then when my Mom passed, I literally grieved for an entire year. 

If you don't know what that really entails, let me try to explain. 

I became a hermit.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't "feel" happy.  I didn't smile.  I mourned; grieved; for a year.

What this also means is, I was detached.  And I was ok with that (at the time).  I didn't want to be around anyone at work WHILE at work.  I would literally be on the same conf call as my coworkers who would gather in a room together, while I sat in my office and listened on a separate phone.  I admit I also did this so I could concentrate.  In a room full of people, they would sometimes chat while the conf call was going on and I couldn't hear the convo on the phone.  However, it was a good excuse to sit alone in my office and not be around anyone.

Since I didn't want to smile, since I wasn't happy, I didn't want to be around anyone.  Why would I want to be around anyone?

So, I fully admit the last three years at work have been kinda a blur.  I was for sure disengaged and disassociated.

So, my PIE went out the window.  I was not present and no one saw me anymore.  And so my image went from "happy Melinda" to "where is Melinda?" Further, my exposure was literally nil.

And, I can tell it's hurt me a little.

Just last month someone visited our office and wanted to talk to me later in the week.  I thought the topic would be work-related.  Instead, he wondered what was going on with me.  "What's going on?  Where is the Melinda I used to know?"  I was stunned.  He had only seen me in the hall for 10 minutes and I tried SO hard to smile and act happy.  I guess the facade wasn't masked.

He basically could tell I wasn't happy.

I wasn't.

And that something was causing me to be distracted and withdrawn.

He tried to tell me I should be happy.  I should smile again; I "could" smile again.  He was the third person in span of three weeks who said sorta the same thing to me.

I can tell my personality changed with my Mom's death, or maybe it was just the grieving process?  I was just so sad and disengaged, and no longer myself.

I am finally trying VERY hard now to be happier and be the "old Melinda."  The one who would ask a coworker in the hall how their day was going.  Or actually look up into their eyes to say good morning.  I'm TRYING.

However, something else is going on at the same time that I was grieving and missing my PIE.  Someone at my work is working PIE to it's fullest.  Am I jealous?  Sure.  But, I also see they are overworking it and it's really not "networking."  And as in anything in the world, no one likes an asskisser that is favored.

But, they became friends with one of my bosses that used to depend on me and "like" me.  I don't think they now dislike me, but because I made myself distant because I was detached, I wasn't around enough for them to even consider me for things. I honestly didn't feel respected anymore; and that is very important to me.

The one boss I could count on moved on and got a promotion.  He was our only advocate in the office for many of us.  Further, he respected us no matter what.  And, he was the best leader we ever had.  We all miss his guidance, leadership and the way he treated us and handled issues.

I don't want to say my detachment hurt my over-all career, but I think it has a little bit.  My Mom would be SO VERY disappointed and upset.  I think she would think it would be her fault, because she was sick and I had to take care of her.  But I CHOSE to take care of her because I love her, with all my heart.  She was my everything and I was HER everything. 

If my career suffers because I grieved because I loved someone, I am okay with that.  I can live with doing the right thing for my Mom in the last years of her life. 

I honestly don't think my career suffered, because I wasn't bidding out at the time anyway, and so I truly believe I am okay.  But I DO think it hurt me from being more involved in some "Exposure" projects.  Only because this coworker is involved in a "big" team project I wish I was involved in.  One that has PIE written all over it!

I don't dislike this person b/c they are using PIE, I dislike them because I kinda feel like they took away the friendship I had with my boss.  While this person was going to lunch everyday with them, I hid in my office not wanting to be around anyone.  In a way, it's my own fault.

However, I don't like to be around negative people, or people who bring me down, or make me feel bad about myself.  This person and my old boss made me feel like that.  Their negativity and gossiping about others is something I didn't want to be a part of during my quiet hour (lunch). 

But, the bottom line is Exposure is extremely important to getting jobs/promotions.  And Image is very important, also.

That's why I keep my personal life private, and my work life separate.  They see a female playing pool and they don't see a responsible woman competing and testing her leadership skills.  Instead they see a person going to smokey bars, around alcohol, and wasting my time.  What I see is a person who has become a better person through the lessons of competition and mental toughness, and running very large organizations with over 300+ members that involve pool for over 10 years.

Bottom line is PIE is important and mine was missing for a while.  I plan to get it back.  :)

I love you Mom.  You were worth it and everything happens for a reason and I am still a great employee, coworker, and teammate.

Make Relationships Better with How you Choose Your Words

This is a great, informative article about how to get your kids to listen, entitled "5 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen."  But imo, this is good advice for everyday living!  With coworkers, significant others, friends, etc.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/5-ways-kids-listen-160800309.html

 1. Say it With a Single Word

The situation My daughters have only one assigned chore: to carry their plates to the sink when they're done eating. Still, not a night went by when I didn't need to tell them to do it, sometimes three times. Even that didn't guarantee they would -- and who would finally clear them? Take a guess.

The old way After they ignored my repeated commands, I'd sit Blair and Drew down and preach for ten minutes about how I wasn't their servant and this wasn't a restaurant.

The better way Kids usually know what they're supposed to do; they just need some simple reminding. "They'll tune you out when you go on and on," Faber told me. "Instead, try just one word to jog their memory."

The result After dinner one night, all I said was "plates." At first the girls looked at me as if I were speaking in an alien tongue. But a second later, they picked them up and headed for the kitchen. After roughly a month of reinforcement, I don't need to say anything; they do it automatically. "Teeth!" works equally well for getting them to brush, as does "Shoes" to replace my typical morning mantra: "Find your shoes and put them on; find your shoes and put them on". And when I hear Blair screaming, "Give me that!" I simply say, "Nice words" (okay, that's two words). I practically faint when she says, "Drew, would you please give that to me?"


2. Provide Information

The situation My friend Michele had just served lunch when, as was her habit, 2-year-old Everly jumped off her chair, climbed back on, turned around, stood up, and then stomped on the cushion.

The old way When Everly wouldn't respond to a patient "You need to sit still," Michele would get annoyed and say something like, "How hard is it to understand? You must sit down!" Everly would cry but still not sit. In the end, she'd get a time-out, which didn't change her behavior.

The better way State the facts instead of always issuing commands. "Who doesn't rebel against constant orders?" asks Faber. (I know I do.) Kids aren't robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to. The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, "Put that milk away," you might simply say: "Milk spoils when it's left out." This approach says to a child, "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing,'" Faber explains.

The result The next time Everly played jungle gym at mealtime, Michele took a calming breath and then said, "Honey, chairs are meant for sitting." Everly smiled at her mother, sat down, and then started eating. "That never happened before," Michele reports. She still has to remind her daughter now and then, but in the end, Everly listens. The technique applies to other situations as well. Rather than saying, "Stop touching everything," Michele now points out, "Those delicate things can break very easily." Ditto for "Legos belong in the green bin so you can find them the next time you want to play with them" and "Unflushed toilets get stinky."


3. Give Your Child a Choice

The situation Three days after our final session, Joan took her kids to Orlando. At the Magic Kingdom, she handed them hats to shield the sun. Her 6-year-old put hers on willingly. Her almost-5-year-old, Sam, refused.

The old way "I'd try to persuade him to cooperate," Joan says. Inevitably, she'd end up shouting, "If you don't put it on, you can't go on any more rides." Then he'd bawl his eyes out, and no one would have any fun.

The better way Offer your child choices. "Threats and punishment don't work," Faber explains on one of the workshop CDs. "Rather than feeling sorry for not cooperating, a child tends to become even more stubborn. But when you make him part of the decision, he's far more likely to do what's acceptable to you."

The result Joan left it up to her son: "Sam, you can put your hat on now or after you sit out the next ride." Sam still wouldn't comply. "But after he missed out on Peter Pan's Flight, I said, 'Sam, here's your hat,' and he put it right on," Joan says.


4. State Your Expectations

The situation Amy let her kids turn on the TV before they left for school. After one show was over, she'd take Adrian, 4, to get dressed while Angela, 7, kept watching. But when it was Angela's turn to get ready, she'd whine, "Just ten more minutes. Please? Pleeeeeeeaaase!"

The old way Amy would yell: "No, you've watched enough. That's it." Angela would complain some more. Amy would yell, "I said no!" Then, after more begging, she'd add, "You've already had more TV time than Adrian. You're being ungrateful."

The better way Let your kids know your plan ahead of time. Amy should tell Angela something like this: "After you've brushed your teeth and are totally dressed and ready to go, you can watch a little more TV while I get your brother dressed. That way you'll be on time for school."

The result The first time Amy tried this tactic, Angela turned off the TV without saying a word. But the second morning, she refused and started bellyaching again. Amy quickly realized she hadn't reminded Angela of the plan in advance this time. So the following morning she stated it again clearly: "When I leave with Adrian, I expect you to turn off the TV." Success. She finds the strategy equally effective for other situations ("No starting new games until the one you've just played is put away").

5. Name Their Feelings

The situation Carrie's daughter Tatum, 6, was happily blowing bubbles with a friend. Suddenly, Tatum stormed into the room, wailing, "Mina's not giving me a turn."

The old way "I'd say something like, 'There's no reason to cry over this,'" Carrie says. What would Tatum do? The opposite -- cry more and likely ruin the rest of the playdate.

The better way Parents need to listen too. "Everyone wants to know they've been heard and understood," Faber argues. Telling a child to stop crying sends the message that her feelings don't matter. Kids often cry (or whine, yell, or stomp) because they can't communicate why they're upset or don't know how to deal with the emotion. "You need to give them the words to express it," Faber says.

The result Next time, Carrie looked Tatum in the eye and described what she thought her daughter was feeling: "You seem really frustrated!" Tatum stared at her in surprise and then announced, "I am." Carrie held her tongue to keep from giving advice ("You need to..."), defending her friend ("Mina deserves a turn too"), or getting philosophical ("That's life"). Instead, she said, "Oh." Tatum kept talking: "I wish I had two bottles of bubbles." Carrie asked, "How can we work this out so it's fair to you and Mina?" Tatum said by taking turns. Carrie suggested they use a kitchen timer, and Tatum explained the plan to Mina. Everyone wound up happy. "It's hard to stop yourself from saying too much," says Carrie. She's right. Phrases like, "You never listen to me" and "How many times do I have to tell you?" become ingrained in our brain. During the workshop, my friends and I realize that it's going to take a bit of practice to stop uttering these expressions. But that's the entire point: to change the way we talk to our kids, so they not only understand what we're trying to say but actually want to listen.

Sugar Cravings

So, my body and mind are telling me I want to sleep all the time??

Seriously, good info - especially at night:

http://walk.walgreens.com/blog/post/sugar-cravings-go-to-sleep

What Versus Why

Quote

"Never let others' opinions change the way you feel about yourself."

I Actually Multi-Task Very Well, Believe It Or Not

I get a text from Brian during lunch reminding me to submit something for him online.  I save the text, knowing I may forget.

I get back to my office.

I re-open up my work email, start to reply to Jane H.

It reminds me I need to call Todd in Tampa, FL about a form that needs to be filled out for a new project.

While I'm on the phone, I remember I need to call Allen in Jackson, KY about something for my boss.

While on hold, I grab an envelope, because I remembered I need to mail something.

I leave the unaddressed envelope on my desk as a reminder to address it, stamp it, and mail it later.

That reminds me I need to ask my friend Juan about a mutual friend.

I get off the phone and email something to the Tampa office immediately about the new project we just spoke about.

I then remember I wanted to post something funny on FaceBook (FB) about my dentist.

I open up FB real quick, and read a link about a funny chicken (I swear!).

I forget I wanted to post about my dentist.  But I re-post the link about the chicken!

I close FB, get back to my work email.

See something that reminds me I need to check my phone for the text message.

I turn on my phone and see the battery is dying.  I grab the cord and plug it in.

But then I go back to my work email and I forget to check my text messages on my phone.

I then recall I need to call my dentist.

OH, and post about it on FB.  THAT's why I got on FB!

I go to open up FB, but see an email in my personal email that I forgot to forward to a business owner.

I forward the email.

That reminds me again I need to talk to Juan.

I forget to open FB again.
 
I then open my drawer to try and find my dentists' phone #.

I can't find any receipt so I can't find his #, but see a memo from work I wanted to work on today.

I pick up the memo and lay it on my desk as a reminder.

I then realize, OH - I have my dentists' # in my phone.

I go to my phone that's on the charger, see the text from Brian as a reminder to submit the online form for him.

I forget to get my dentists' # !

BUT, it reminds me to text Brian about his drivers license.

I then see some new emails in my work inbox and check them diligently.

I then look down and see the memo on my desk.

I pick up the memo and underneath it was the blank envelope.

I put the memo down and address the envelope (I'm making some progress here).

I reopen my drawer for a stamp, see my checkbook, it reminds me I still need to call THE DANG DENTIST!

OMG...

AND put up the funny comment about my dentist on FB (that's no longer funny to me).

I reach for my phone to call my dentist, see the text from Brian.

Finally submit the online form for him.

I move the envelope to the edge of my desk so I remember to mail it when I leave today.

I pick up the memo, it reminds me to call Allen in Jackson.

I put the memo back down, call Allen, but have to leave a voicemail for him, which reminds me - I still need to CALL THE DANG DENTIST!
.
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Fifteen minutes in the life of Melinda (lmao)

Asking Questions

I realized the other day that when I ask a loved one a question, it's really a reflection of ME, not them.  While they may react to the questions badly, in reality, I'm asking the questions because of my own concerns or inner demons or anxiety.

What I'm asking they may think to be a dumb, stupid, nagging question but in reality, I'm asking because of issues with myself.  Not the person the question is directed to.

Too bad we can't get that message across.

Of course, I just figured it out so that's okay they don't understand I ask questions because I'm having difficulties. 

However, pretty enlightening moment for me!

Asking for Help

I despise asking for help.    It's not in my nature.

I was taught by example.  So, I learned that if I asked for help, it meant I was weak.

At work, I finally realized that asking for help is part of being a team player and not micromanaging.

However, in my personal life, I still have major issues with it.

My Mom was the same way.

When people offer to help and they help, I embrace it with such love and joy, because I get so surprised when people want to help unconditionally.

I remember about 4 years ago I had to ask a friend for help.  I needed him to install some "adult living" things in the house for my Mom - stable handle bars, steps for the bathtub, remove wire from the floor and put in the walls, etc.

As I asked for help on the phone, I cried and cried.  The guy on the other end was so confused.  But it literally pained me to have to ask for help.  I will never forget the feelings I had as tears literally rain down my face as I asked for his help,

And right now, I need help.  And I have to ask for it.  And I'm not getting it.

I think it's pretty freaking pathetic I have to ask for this help in the first place.  But I broke down; I asked for help.  All yet, I don't feel like I'm getting the support I need.

I'm on my own.

As usual.

I'm strong, but I still need help.

Strong heart, but weak in some areas.

Human.

And humans need help, too.

New Awesome Celeb House

I am not ashamed to admit I follow celebs a little.  So, when media outlets link to their new homes, I take a gander at the photos to see what million$ of dollar$ can buy.

Most are very nice, and big, but this is the first one I REALLY truly like!  It's simple and beautiful.  Not complex, and very open.  I love this potential new home of Brittany Spears:

http://realestalker.blogspot.com/2012/10/britney-spears-finally-buys-again.html

Click on the photos to enlarge:

Clever, Smart Commerical

I really love smart and ingenious advertising.

Here is one I just saw the other day via this commercial below.

Are We There Yet?

How clever!!  Although it's normally what kids ask, in reality, it should be what companies ask.

"Are we there yet?" is a question that's been asked millions of times, of countless road trips. And it's a question that we, at Mercedes-Benz, ask of ourselves every day. We continually strive to make things better, safer and more exhilarating.

;      

Behind Every Recipe is a Story: Bailey's Famous Salad

The Bailey side of my family would make gobs of food when we all got together.

Grandma Bailey would always let me eat as many of her DELICIOUS sugar cookies as I wanted, as long as I had enough room for dinner, too.

I loved my Grandma with all my heart - she accepted me into her family like I was a blood granddaughter.

I was a kid - so I could eat A LOT of those cookies!

The one side dish my Aunt Faye made every time the Bailey's got together I HAD to get the recipe for when I got near my late teens, so I could make it at home.

I loved the famous Bailey salad and still to this day make it for all the big holiday meals (and sometimes just by itself for dinner).

I got better preparing it than my Dad!   Sorry, Dad! :)

Here is the recipe:

Enjoy!

1) Use one of the larger bowls you have, to help mix and also hold the large salad.  You can easily feed 4 people.

2) Three different lettuces together - the lettuce is never cut, but torn apart by hand:

• Romaine, 
• Iceberg, 
• Leaf,

3) 1 teaspoon garlic powder
4) 1 teaspoon fresh ground pepper
5) Cooked REAL bacon (usually a whole package)
6) 1 tablespoon canola oil
7) 1 1/2 tablespoon red-wine vinegar

Life Through My Eyes

The other day I was talking to a good friend of mine about life.

You see, people think I've had a tough life.  And I have.  But, if you see the view from my eyes, you will see it's not a depressing life I've had.

Sure, I've had a lot of sad/bad/unfortunate things happen in my life, but it's the way I view these things that I feel make me a non-bitter survivor.

I don't wish for people to feel sad for me when they hear that as a child I used to sleep on the kitchen floor because it was the coolest spot in the house.  The cold tiled floor was awesome in the summer as a child.  And I didn't mind the large roaches flying above me in the middle of the night.  I had a house to live in, and a cold floor!

I don't wish anyone to ever find a loved one passed away, but I did.  I visited my parents one weekend a little different:  normally I drive down from Dallas to San Antonio on a Friday but this weekend I planned a few months in advance to fly down a day early so I could get an extra day with them.  The very first night, my Dad passed away in his sleep.  My Mom and I found him in his room.

Don't feel bad this happened, because from my point of view, it was a miracle I was there with my Mom!  I am an only child and we were together during one of the most traumatic times of our loves.  She wasn't alone.  It truly was a miracle I was there a day early.

Further, I view everything as a learning experience.  And a few months later, a good friend from Florida found her Mom passed away.  No one else could relate to her emotions and feelings or the process of dealing with a deceased person who they found.  I was able to empathize completely with what she was going through.

When my Mom passed away after a tough five years of health problems, don't feel sorry for my that I lost my best friend.  Don't feel sorry for me that I had to make the decision to take her off the breathing machine, or that I had to put her in hospice.  She gave me a gift and told me her wishes; those wishes were specific.  I was her voice, when she couldn't speak.

How is this a bad thing?

She wanted me by her side when she passed, too, and I will never forget I gave her her last wish by being there alone with her in hospice.  It was an excruciating experience, but I would never have it any other way.  We were together!

Sure, I grieved deeply and was numb and depressed and kept isolated for two full years (and more), but I did that because I loved my Mom and missed her with all my might.  Because we had a great, close, loving relationship, is the reason I mourned so much. 

From my eyes - that's a blessing, too!

It's all perspective.

I could tell you even more heartbreaking stories of things I had to endure growing up and in my life.  But, you might see them as bad things that happened to me.

I just don't see bad things that happened to me, though. They are just things that happened.

I view what I went through as learning experiences; living life; growing from them.

And from eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.

Whether to help others with what I've been through, or to see things from a different perspective, growing and learning is what life is all about (IMHO).

That's what I see from where I'm standing.

Well Adjusted Celebrity Teenager

This 16 year daughter of Alex Baldwin impressed me!

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/alec-baldwin-daughter-ireland-dismisses-thoughtless-little-pig-145650188.html?_esi=1

Gift from My Mom

You would think the best gift my Mom gave me was life.  But in reality, it was about death.

Parents and loved ones need to do this:  Discuss what you want!

My Mom's greatest gift to me was she told me her wishes.  She told me what she wanted, for the time when she wouldn't be able to speak for herself.

Knowing if one wants to be buried or cremated is just a smidgen of the wishes of our loved ones.

More importantly, HOW do they want to pass away?  Do they have a DNR  (Do Not Resuscitate)?  A Living Will?  Who has Medical Power of Attorney?  Do they want to be kept alive as long as possible on breathing machines?  Or let go in more peaceful ways?

These may seem like all busy-work type of discussions that are uncomfortable, but from my experience what is MORE important than ANY piece of paper is the KNOWLEDGE of what your loved one wants for their care; for the times they cannot speak for themselves.

Although my Mom wanted to be cremated, more importantly, I also knew HOW she wanted to pass away:  specifically, if possible, peacefully in Hospice.

She told me she did not want to be hooked up to machines in a hospital room, left to die.  And, I knew if the question was ever asked, that yes, take her off life support.

She did not want to be a vegetable, she wanted to die peacefully.  And she wanted to be pain-free.  And she wanted me by her side.

One of my coworkers stood at the bed of his dying Father.  His other siblings and his Mom were all there.  Everyone was upset.  Crying.  Then, the family turned on each other.

The family had to decide what to do with their dying relative.  His organs were failing and the doctors needed to know their wishes.  Some wanted to keep Dad alive and have the doctors do all they could to keep his ailing body alive for a few more days.  Others wanted the suffering to end.

But...

What did DAD want?

It caused a lot of emotional scarring that to this day have not been healed; some of the family members do not speak to each other because of that day 6 years ago.

In the end, their loved one passed away from organ failure 24 hours later.  But in the meantime, the family did not agree what to do and did not know their Dad's wishes.

For 4 years, my neighbor (David, a Chaplin) visited my Mom every stint she had in the hospital.  That's probably over 50 times.  As a Chaplin, he visits families and patients ALL day long.  However, Mom was always sent to another hospital (not his) because of her insurance.  So, David would visit us as our friend.  And he would have to travel from his hospital to hers, to come see her all the time.

The VERY first time he came to visit us in the hospital about 4 years ago, Mom and I were leery.  Would he talk about God the entire time?  Would he overstay his welcome?  What would he say and would we feel comfortable or uncomfortable?

He came in and while my Mom slept he asked me, "do you know your Mom's wishes?"

I looked up at him, "Yes I do."

"Good," he replied.  "That's the single most heartache I see is when the family does not know what to do or what decisions to make for their loved ones.  Good for her for taking care of you." 

David is a strong proponent of Advanced Care Plans, as I am.  He has invited me to speak at hospital functions and I have easily joined him, sharing my Mom and I's story of her GIFT to me.

He also writes articles and gives presentations all the time on this topic and he shares the story of my Mom and I.  I feel like our story is helping others through the wonderful work David does for patients and their loved ones. 

Trust me when I tell you I wanted my Mom to live longer than she did.  But when my own Mom started to have "complications" (as the doctors would call it), I didn't know they really meant "she is dying."

For the last five years of my Mom's life, she had advanced emphysema.  On commercials, they call it COPD.  Same thing: can't breathe.

Emphysema meant she had to wear tubes 24 hours a day that flowed oxygen into her nose. And even tho she was on oxygen, she was still constantly "out of breath."  She would struggle to breath and be gasping for air after any routine thing like going pee or walking to the kitchen.  This meant she became extremely weak and fragile.  This meant she knew that the disease would kill her some day and every day she laid in her bed and thought about death and when that time would come, and HOW it would happen.

I was scared to hug her too tight because she was so frail, but boy would I give anything to be able to hug her today.

She HATED to wear that oxygen hose and avoided going out in public because she was so ashamed.

Her nightstand was stacked with all sorts of medicines - her breathing meds for the 4xday treatments, her steroids that she DESPISED, her allergy pills, and of course her anxiety pills (b/c lack of breathing and gasping causes severe anxiety).

And, when you have lung problems, it effects the heart.  So, she had numerous heart pills, too.

She would eventually have a few heart procedures and even had to have a pacemaker "installed" to help her too-rapid heart rate. 

Rapid heart rates cause you to breathe faster, which is difficult for emphysema patients.  It's a very vicious cycle. 

She would go into and out of the hospital due to complications from breathing and heart problems for 5 years - almost 5-10 times a year.  I called 911 so often, I recognized the guys who would come to rescue her to the ER.

I spent so much time at the hospital with Mom, it became routine, but extremely tough.  And every time she was able to come back home, we were so happy!  Her and I lived together and I was her caretaker, and our home was a safe haven for us both.  As an only child, this was a very beautiful gift I could give to her.

On August 16, 2011, a Tuesday, Mom slipped at our home in the kitchen.  That night the x-ray in the ER confirmed my worst fear - she broke her hip.  I stayed with Mom all night, as she slept with pain meds.

Wednesday she had a successful surgery to fix her hip.  They moved her to ICU right after the surgery.  She didn't wake up that much anymore and would barely open her eyes when I tried to talk to her.  But, she mumbled a lot that she loved me when I told her I loved her.

Thursday I spent the entire day again with her in ICU as the nurses gave her drugs to work on her liver or heart or breathing or her urine.

That Thursday night, I asked the doctor on duty when Mom would be moved to a regular room and out of ICU.  I was anxious for her physical therapy to start.  The doctor looked at me funny and said softly, "You're Mom may not make it through the night."

Wait.  WHAT?

You see, no one told me how bad my Mom was.  The docs and nurses were in and out several times a day trying to get certain organs working properly again, but she always responded well to treatment.  What I didn't know was Mom was actually dying; her organs were failing.  The treatments were only temporary fixes.

Her heart doctor said the break of her hip bone probably caused a clot to get loose in her body and they did not know that right away and it caused all the complications.

I cried and wept to the doctor and I finally said, "I need to invoke her DNR." 

Mom's body would be in shambles if she had a heart attack and they tried to revive her, so I painfully invoked her DNR.  But, it's something my Mom and I talked about, so I knew I had to do it.

Here is something I want to be VERY clear about.

Not ONE person asked me for her paperwork.  Not one person even asked me if there were other family members.  I stood there and they took my word for everything.  While I am glad they believed me what my Mom's wishes were, they did not ask for her Living Will or if I was her Medical Power of Attorney.

The head nurse would not let me stay overnight in ICU and I was LIVID.  I shouted to her in the ICU, "if anything happens to my Mom overnight when I am not here, this is on YOUR hands!"

To not let me be with my Mom the potentially last night of her life after being told she may not survive the night was HEART WRENCHING and almost, literally, unbearable for me.

I drove home that night in a daze.  Only ten minutes away, I told God that I knew he would not let my Mom pass away over night.  That he would not take her away from me without me by her side, and her alone.

The very next morning, I immediately came to see my Mom.  I had not received a call overnight and knew God would let us be together again.

As soon as I got there, I tried to talk to Mom but she was even more unawake. 

The doctor on shift pulled me aside in a separate room.  My neighbor had JUST shown up (David, the Chaplin) to visit us.  My Mom's favorite home health nurse (Mikey) also came by at that time. She stayed with Mom (who had been unconscious and non-responsive for over 12 hours) while David and I went to another cold, dark, lonely room with the doctor and a different head nurse.

The doctor told me my Mom was dying.  He said they did all they could, but she was not going to live much longer.  He then told me I had two choices.  They could try to keep her body alive for a few days with medicines and keep her comfortable, or, they could stop all the work and she be sent to Hospice (also pain free).

David sat next to me and cried.  I grabbed a tissue and as hard as I could, I mustered the words out of my mouth, "Take her off the breathing machine now." I spoke defiantly.  "My Mom would not want to be here like this, hooked up to all these machines. Take her off now."

I have no regrets.  I have no guilt.  I gave my mom what SHE wanted.  And that in return gave me peace with my decision.  What she gave me, was truly a GIFT.

I cannot begin to express how I had no anguish over what to tell the doctors.  It was extremely difficult to SAY, because I knew that meant my Mom was going to die soon, but I also knew my Mom's wishes.  And I needed to speak for her.  I was her advocate til the end. 

As I sat in Hospice with my Mom for the next 6 very long, quiet hours, I watched her and talked to her and held her hand.  Almost 11 hours after the doctor talked to me, Mom passed away peacefully with no pain, in Hospice, with me by her side.

It's very difficult for me to share this story because of the tough memories, but I WANT to share it so hopefully others will talk to their family members to tell them what their wishes are.  

Make this part of life/death "easier" by expressing your wishes.  PLEASE.

Give this gift to your children and/or significant other and/or brothers and sisters.

Computer Generated Video of Hudson River Plane Landing

Fascinating computer generated black box video of Hudson River plane landing! 

I admit, it made me cry at the end to know how many lives were saved and what could have potentially happened; the Captain is a true hero!  The video is impressive.

US Airways Flight 1549 Full Cockpit Recording:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=tE_5eiYn0D0#t=109

Is Heaven Real?

This is awesome.  And very reassuring.  My Mom was very scared of death and what happened to her afterwards.  This makes me feel at peace, knowing that when you die, you feel at peace and feel immense love.

I HIGHLY recommend this video!

Dr. Mary C. Neal shares an account of her heavenly journey after drowning in a kayak accident.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

My Relationship with My Mom

As often as you read my sad comments on Facebook and in this blog about the loss of my Mom, what you don't see are the numerous times I cry throughout the day.

I cry mostly when I drive, and mostly when I'm at home.

I talk to her at home.  I cry my little heart out with the pure torture of how much I miss her.

When I'm in a car, I cry looking out over the scenery; my heart aches for how much I miss her, how much I wish she was still here.

One year ago this month she left me.

While I cry for my loss, and while my heart breaks, what this all tells me is that no matter how difficult her loss has been to me, it simply truly shows what a great relationship we had.

I'm a very lucky woman, you see.  I mourn the loss of my Mom BECAUSE we had a such a special gift.  Our Mom/Daughter relationship was strong, deep, special, loving.

I was able to spend the last 4 years of my Mom's life with her.  I moved her to my city, and we bought a house together so I could take care of her ailing body.

She had central air and carpeted floors for the first time in her life.  And I had a house filled with love again.

While I do have some regrets (wish I would have spent more time with her, mostly), I know that I am blessed that we had such a wonderful relationship.

I know many people who aren't even HALF this close to their Mom's as I was.

I know I miss her this badly because we were so close.  Because I loved her dearly and she loved me more than life itself.  That's not all a bad thing, is it?

She wrote her own obituary and stated that I was, "the Love of Her Life."  Typing that out makes me cry.... but it shows just how much I meant to her, and how much she meant to me.

Nothing will EVER take that away.

So, don't be sad when I'm sad.  Know it just means I was lucky to have such a special bond with an amazing woman and friend, my Mom, Toni Bailey.

One of My Favorite Quotes!

Behind every recipe is a story: Tacos

Back in the mid 1990s, I was VERY picky with food.  I still ate like a child, and would not try a lot of different types of food in fear of my taste buds having another rejection, lol.

One day, I go to my dear friend June's house, and she had just made some tacos for her and her husband.  I think I stopped by to drop something off or pick something up, as dinner plans had not been made with her.  But, ironically, I was STARVING.  Omg, I was SO hungry, I actually almost had to try the tacos.  Even though I was SO very picky.

I was nervous, as it seemed there were quite a few "things" in the seasoning of the taco meat that scared me (the unknowns!).  Because I could SEE there wasn't just meat, I was timid and nervous.  But I was too hungry not to try it.

I took a bite.

And could not believe how so delicious it was!

I ate the whole thing!  I was ecstatic!

"What is in your tacos?"  I exclaimed with excitement.

"It's a secret,"  she replied laughing.

She watched me devour another taco, expressing how SO good they were.

She finally got up, went to the cupboard and grabbed a few things.

"Here is my secret," she reveals.

McCormick Taco mix (original, not mild, not spicy).  BUT!  Then she adds Fajita seasonings and Lemon Pepper - which is what makes it so dang tasty!

I make them to this day, and it takes less than 10 minutes prep time!

Cook hamburger meat, add taco seasoning and water.  Come to a bowl.  Then add a lot of fajita seasoning and a lot of lemon pepper.  I would say half to a full teaspoon of each.  Taste as you go along after half a teaspoon, to see if you should add more or not.

While it cooks for 5 minutes, I heat up the stand-alone corn tortillas, shred the lettuce and copped the tomatoes, while setting out sour cream and finely shredded sharp cheddar cheese.

YUM!

This is Who I Am

/emotional vent on/

No one likes me for who I am.  I don't blame them.  I don't even like me anymore, realizing some things about myself.

The realizations of who you really are are sometimes unbearable.  Unfortunate, ugly mirror of my emotional instability.

Sucks.

I may be alone the rest of my life because I'm this way.  I would rather be loved and appreciated than neglected, tho.  But, who wants to love someone who is too needy, too jealous, and yearns too much for attention?

/emotional vent off/

Dedicated to My Mom

I heard this song on the radio the other day from Celine Dion while I was driving.  Started bawling my eyes out.  :-(  If ANY song encapsulates how much respect and love I have for my Mom, this is it:

"Because You Loved Me"

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Video Clip: Interesting Approach to Tsunami Survival

This is a very cool documentary about a "new" concept about tsunami survival, if you happen to have time to watch this video.  I found it very interesting.

Here is the synopsis:


The March 2011 tsunami in Japan caused death and devastation on a shocking scale. In one town, however, survival rates were unusually high and hundreds were saved thanks to a different approach to tsunami survival called Tendenko.

Tendenko prioritizes individual action and self-preservation - and yet such thinking is anathema to Japanese culture.

As communities begin to rebuild their lives, this film explores one family's remarkable story of survival and looks at what lessons can be learned from the disaster.

Could Tendenko offer a better solution for the future of both Japan and other tsunami-prone regions?

http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/witness/2011/11/20111114121620284203.html

My Life Changing Moment

I have been asked before if there is a person or incident that I feel had a huge impact in my life.  I am very lucky to be able to give you a resounding YES!

June Hager Walter, a well-known pool player in Texas from the 80s and 90s, took me under her wing in the mid 90s, when I was in my mid 20s.  We went to tournaments together and became good friends, but more importantly, she helped improve my self image, self esteem, and confidence.

It's difficult for me to explain the true depth of how much she truly helped me, but I will try.  Because I went through an extremely valuable learning experience with her that was transforming for my life (and happiness), I share this story.  Not only because it helped me, but because I hope it will somehow help others.

I wasn't the type of person anyone wanted to be around in my mid 20s.  I would describe myself as a very moody and a sometimes irrational person that was difficult to be friends with.  But June helped me overcome some very strong emotional obstacles.

Basically, I used to take everything wrong, see the worst in things, assume the worst, was paranoid, had very low self esteem, you name it.  I didn't like myself… at all.

• I misconstrued comments made to me all the time, and then overreacted.
• I would take actions personal, then cry about it and be depressed.
• I would hear comments from friends, take it wrong, then wouldn't speak to them because I was so upset and angry for the way I "felt" they treated me.

Quite honestly, it's a horrible way to live and I was miserable!

And I know I was no fun to be around.

I would constantly be mad at my b/f for stupid reasons and I would always seem to be upset with my friends for no reason.  I used to ridicule my boyfriend in front of people because I would take his actions wrong; I used to give my friends or coworkers the silent treatment because I was so hurt by what I "thought" they said.  I don't know how I kept the friends I did and why they put up with me!

Besides my external overreactions that people witnessed (yelling, nagging, the silent treatment, arguments, pouting, etc.) I would also go through a series of deeply disturbing internal overreactions as well.  Maybe for days replaying a situation over and over in my head or over-analyzing a comment or event made by a friend or loved one.  I could cry in a corner for hours alone in my apartment or remain depressed for days on end.

I was a very confused, unhappy, hurt young woman in my mid 20s.

Luckily, tho, June helped me.  She literally made me who I am today - someone who is happy, confident, and actually likes themselves!  And, dare I say that people enjoy people around me now!

I joke all the time that she kinda created a monster, lol, because I REALLY do like myself.

But, I'm extremely grateful.  Had she not helped me, back some 17 years ago, I would have been unhappy for the last 17 years.  And that would have sucked to be so unhappy and miserable for so long!  Further, I have some truly wonderful and helpful friends, and if I was still the way I was, I would have lost A LOT of precious opportunities to be friends with amazing people.

It's extremely difficult for me to describe exactly how and why I took things wrong.  But let me try to explain it with an example.

This situation happened to a friend of mine, that I witnessed, which describes EXACTLY the way I used to be:

A friend of mine, Cash, was upset at our friend David because David played a little joke on him.  Cash was pouting and disengaged from his friends, sitting across the pool room by himself, very upset about the joke David had played on him.  Cash was very upset and mad.  I went and sat next to him, to see if he was okay.  David came over tried to talk to Cash.  He tried to get Cash to look at him and talk to him, but Cash wanted nothing to do with David, so he kept looking away and wouldn't even respond to David at all, as he pouted and was hurt and angry.

One of my long strands of hair fell on Cash's arm, but he didn't see that happen nor could he feel it.  David happened to see it, and as he up picked my blond hair to drop it to the floor, he said, "Oh, you have a piece of hair here."

Cash quickly and angrily turned to David and snapped loudly, "I know I'm losing my hair!!!!"

David was shocked and stunned!

David abruptly walked away.

I, on the other hand, immediately told Cash, "Cash, Cash, my hair fell on your arm.  David saw it and tried to get it off, that's all."

Cash calmed down right away.

I ONLY explained what happened to Cash because I was the EXACT same way!  And I knew he only overreacted like that because he didn't know the full story of what happened.  He presumed the guy was being a jerk, just as I would have.

I knew the way to calm him down was to explain what happened.

I ALWAYS took things wrong, also.  This was a prime example of how I would have reacted as well.  I would have given a friend the silent treatment as I sat by myself all mad, and then I would have overreacted towards the comment because I presumed something that wasn't.

I always assumed the worse.  No matter if your intentions were genuine or if you didn't even say anything wrong, I just simply viewed things incorrectly/negatively, exactly as Cash had done.

I had many, many numerous days and weeks of being miserable because I had no idea I simply misunderstood someones actions or comments.  I just sat around hurt and mad.  Insecure and vulnerable.

Before June helped me, I took things wrong for the first 25 years of my life, and I really had no other concept to lean on.  

All my life I labeled these inappropriate and overreactions as "being sensitive."  In reality, though, there was nothing sensitive about how I took things.  I just simply overreacted and had no idea that what people said could be innocent, or even complimentary sometimes!  I had no idea my view of things was so skewed.

To make matters worse, if I got mad at what I "perceived," I would then be mad at the person who said it to me.  So many innocent comments from friends led to the silent treatment.  I got hurt and mad at my friends, loved ones, and coworkers A LOT.  :(

The reason why (I finally figured out) was because my parents were like this, too.  They took everyone's comments wrong, also, all the time, so I was raised in that negative, paranoia, pessimistic, low self-esteem environment.

When June and I became friends, we eventually talked almost every day for a few years.  She was about 15 years my senior and a real gem to be around.  I, on the other hand, was a real handful back then in my 20s, yet she stuck by me.

One weekend in 1995, after getting mad yet again at June and another friend during a weekend pool tournament trip, June pulled me aside as she dropped me off at my apartment and simply stated, “I really like you, but if you don’t stop taking everything wrong, I can’t be around you anymore.”  

WHAT?

I immediately got mad and started to cry.  

The tears raced down my face as I yelled at her and tried to explain I had been trying to not think so negatively and be so reactive for SO many years to no avail.  I was so deeply hurt she called me out like that, even though I knew in my brain it was true, but my fragile low self-esteem heart couldn't believe she was saying all this!

She tried her darnedest to explain to me that I had a lot going for me and that people really did like me; jealous of me, in fact.  But, I didn’t understand.  I had such low self esteem and was so unhappy, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. 

"Why would anyone like me and why would they be jealous of me?" I yelled back at her, still crying. 

June explained, “you have a good job, you went to college, you live on your own, you have a great boyfriend, etc.” 

I looked at her stunned.  Huh?  

Then she added, "We all like you and you are a great woman, but you get too upset all the time.   I want you to like yourself."

"Well, I don't!" I said matter-of-factly like a little kid, and still crying.

She shared with me,  "Don't be like me. I don't want you to wait til your 40 to finally like yourself."

The words kinda made sense to me at the moment, but it was still a very shocking discussion.  But, I will never, ever forget what she said.  How she said it.  Never.

I fell into a deep depression after that talk, for almost a month, as I reflected about my life and emotions and why I acted the way I did, and what June said to me.

However, that frank discussion (which wasn't easy for her to bring up to me because I was so volatile) also opened the flood gates so I could finally learn to like myself, and to be a better friend who didn't take everything wrong all the time.

June continued to help me after that initial talk - she told me to call her every time I got upset after someone said something to me.  

"Really?"  I asked.  "You would do that with me?"

"Of course, I like you," she replied with a smile.

So, I would call her up every time I got upset at someones' comment.  We did this for MONTHS!

“So and so said this” I would call, super upset, usually in tears.

She would evaluate the comment and reply, “that sounds like a compliment to me,” or "I think you took that wrong, I think they meant this instead, which is a good thing."

"Really?"  I would ask surprised.

I simply never saw another side to the comments that I took wrong.

She really opened my eyes to the fact just how much I was taking words and actions wrong, and that what most people said was really, truly NOT a bad thing.  I was just raised to expect and assume the worst.

And sometimes when I would call her upset and angry, sometimes others' comments justified my emotions.  “That did seem rude what they said, I would be upset, also,” she would empathize.

So, I was able to see the differences and also sometimes validate my feelings.  But more so, I saw a different side to comments - and actually, a more common sense side to things.

When you are raised in a certain environment, whether you are aware of not, you react to situations how you saw your parents react.  I only knew to assume the worst.  And further, I was taught through my parents' actions to give the silent treatment when mad at someone.  :(  I knew no other way until June shared the other side of things.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents!  I'm not judging them or labeling them, just explaining where this side of me came from.  I was still a very, very happy child!

For many, many months June and I spoke in depth about my reaction and emotions to comments that upset me – she gave me the opportunity to see so many things in a completely different light.

She believed in me.  

She HELPED me.

Because I figured out I was like this from my parents, I even started to help my Mom with similar situations.  It was very therapeutic for the both of us.

Further, I also recognized (after June helped me) that explanations were the key to deciphering my emotions.  Eventually, I started to ask my friends what they meant or why they said what they did.  Most of the time, it was because my interpretation of the event was wrong.

The woman you see before you now has liked herself since 1995.  Sure, I was a very, very happy child and enjoyed being a kid and then loved the college life.  But after college, for some reason I became very dysfunctional with myself and with my friends.

But, for the last 17 years, I am one of the few women in the world who genuinely and actually likes themselves.

June did that.

I am so blessed she was in my life at that time.

Don't get me wrong, I still take some things wrong even today (I'm only human, after all), but I was one million times worse, and extremely difficult to be around.

And I still go over situations and comments that hurt me, with a few friends, to get their take on things.  Am I overreacting?  Why am I feeling this way?  SHOULD I feel this way?  Talking things out with people is very helpful.

And of course, leadership classes and courses have helped me along the way, also. 

My all-time favorite is this nugget, that I wrote about before.

Although the leadership classes were helpful, I admit the content made more sense to me because June helped me back in 1995.

June helped me get a head start on living life, when in reality I was NOT living life and instead very miserable in my own demise.

I am beyond words to thank June for helping me.  She literally turned my life around.  She was an angel in disguise.  And will never, EVER, forget what she did for me.