New Year, Better Attitude

This past year has been very tough on me in regard to friendships and drama shit.  I was never around drama, and I prided myself on that.  Yet I somehow managed to find myself in the middle of it in 2012.  Mostly from people not knowing me well, or taking things out of context, or not understanding things properly, or assuming things.

I was hurt more this past year than any year of my life when it came to friendships.  I lost a few along the way, gained some amazing friends, too.

I am a firm believer in the reason, season, lifetime philosophy and I know that friendships do not last forever, and I am ok with that.  But to be constantly hurt I am NOT okay with.

It's been such a weird year for me.  Along the way of losing friends and being treated badly, I also gained a lot of wonderful, amazing, special friends!  I became friends with people I never really knew how special they were, and I have been truly blessed.  I have also been supportive to some friends who never really knew how caring I could be.  And in turn, we became better friends.  That comes directly from caring for my Mom; and loving my Mom.

I know deep in my heart what a wonderful person I am to my friends and loved ones.  I live with all my choices in life because I AM a good person.

The only person who is suppose to matter, who's opinion is suppose to matter, is my own. 

But, that was hard this past year.  Very difficult to think you are a good person when all I kept hearing was I was a bad person.   My heart and soul can only take so much and to have it all happen in ONE year was extremely difficult.  If it was spread out, I could prolly of handled it more, but it was one thing on top of another, just piled on.

However, instead of continuing to be hurt over "friends" and feeling like SHIT and feeling like I'm not a good person, when I know I am, I am going to instead this upcoming year look on the bright side of things when something hurtful happens.

Basically, I'm going to find a good fucking reason for someone talking behind my back about me, or making things up, or calling me a liar, or not speaking to me anymore, or lying about me, or not liking my life, or disrespecting me to my face, etc.

That will be my new motto for 2013. 

I despise new years resolutions, but I really need to do this for myself, so I can stop being in so much pain, stop feeling so bad about myself, and stop having such low self esteem.  I really have had a very terrible, sad, hurtful, miserable year.

And I really, really want it to be over already... ;(

I haven't had such low self esteem about myself in a long time.  I was told a lot this entire year by all sorts of different people through words or their actions or hearing third party, that they think I'm not a nice person, or I keep doing things that are wrong, or I'm not a team player, or I'm a bad person, or I am a liar, or people are lying about me, or people don't like my actions, or that I'm standoff-ish, or a bitch, or they are treating me with disrespect. 

I am a human being who really is a good person and I'm tired of letting others' incorrect assumptions defeat myself and my attitude.

If anyone is reading this, maybe you are thinking, "if so many of these unfortunate "friend" instances happened all year, maybe you aren't the good person that you think you are?"

Quite frankly, dammit, I KNOW I'm a good person and people's judgment of me should have no effect on my emotions, heart, or self esteem.

I deserve more for myself.

If you truly know me, get to know me, and don't judge me, you will see the beautiful human being that I can be; that I AM.

You are in control of your happiness.

Happiness is easy..we just have to decide to be.

All the happiness you ever find lies in you.

I'm tired of being kicked in the groin, and feeling so badly about what others have said, I cry myself to sleep.

I have honestly been shocked about the things I have heard over the past year what people said about me. 

But, in the end, it's my choice how to take words.

I can choose my response to actions and words.

I can decide who hurts me or not.

I have that control, and I need to utilize it to the fullest.

I just needed to realize all this so I can be mentally stronger about it all.

I was too hurt and still mourning the loss of my Mom to be strong in any area of my life.  I admit it - I was mentally weak.  And, these "friends" kicked me when I was down.

I want to be stronger.  I NEED to be stronger.  Because quite honestly, I really, REALLY can't take it anymore.