Found an Awesome Letter

I was going through some things the other day and found a letter my Dad wrote me.  I took him to see Transformers a few months before his unexpected death; he wrote me this note after we saw the movie together.  I scanned it so I will never forget it.

What Happy Does

I am going through mixed emotions.  My Mom is not doing well and has been in and out of the hospital for 6 weeks now.  At the same time, I have been seeing a new guy.  I feel for him, because right now he is having to deal with an emotional woman who has a lot going on in her life.

But, yesterday I had a "good" day.  After I saw Mom in the hospital, I went to see a movie, and then ran errands, and accomplished some tasks. 

I noticed as I went on about my day that I was happier than normal.  When I am really happy, I talk more to strangers, I am not as "elusive," and I talk back to people talking to me instead of trying to not engage in convo.

I've always been told I have a great personality, I just don't always show it to its full extent sometimes.  I hide it, I guess.  And don't let it shine when I am down or busy or tired or to people I don't know.

I gotta be careful, though.  Like yesterday, my extra smiles, extra talk, and showing my personality can indicate that I *might* be interested in these guys talking to me and that is not my intention.  I'm just so dang happy right now with this new guy and how he is treating me, it kinda glows right through me and comes out through my personality.

Random Act of Kindness

I thought I would share this random act of kindness that I will never forget it. It may seem minor, but it was an amazing gesture of kindness.

I was out for lunch with about 20 coworkers - some visiting from other cities, some from my office. As we walked out of the restaurant, we had to wait for the others to pay for the lunch.

A parking meter police guy was walking around, checking the meters. Well, one of the meters was expired.  As the cop walked toward the expire meter, one of the guys in my group walked up to him and asked if he could put coins in the meter, and the cop said yes.

My coworker didn't know who owned the car, but he put in 50 cents and saved this "unknown" guy from a parking ticket!

I admit I was in complete shock. Why didn't I think of that? Why didn't anyone else in the group think of it? The rest of us stood there watching the cop start to write a ticket, but this coworker walked right up and helped out a stranger.

Because we had to wait so long, eventually the guy who owned the car came out and he was told what happened and he thanked my coworker.

I know it really seems minor, but it was awesome. And, this happened about 2-3 years ago.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are,

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.  

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire

fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson,

love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other

relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

This poem may help us see why some people leave our lives, but I think it fails to remind us that we. ourselves. may be a reason or season in someone else's life.  If you are no longer in someone's life, there is a reason - maybe you fulfilled them with what they needed at that time and it was time for them to move on.  Don't take it personal.  It just goes both ways - be thankful, don't be hurt.

I Really Don't Think They Care

"You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you knew how little they did."

Saw that quote the other day.  And it reminded me.... I try to tell my a good friend of mine that no one cares what she looks like, everyone is too worried what they themselves look like!

She is consumed with how she looks (what she wears, how her makeup looks, wears wigs sometimes, worries about her skin, etc.) and seems to care what people think way too much imo.

She doesn't listen to me, though, when I tell her everyone cares more about how they look than how she looks!

Documentary About Abuse

Not just any abuse, brutal, unfathomable abuse.  :(  I watched the HBO documentary "Every F---ing Day of My Life" over two months ago and it's still with me.

Here is the synopsis from HBO: (click on the image to enlarge)

The documentary shows no abuse - there is no footage of the abuse.  You only hear from the Mom and sons how the father abused them.  Yet, it's still so riveting; heartbreaking; despicable; tough to hear; brutal.  It makes me sad and depressed to think just how awful they had it for all those years.

Here is someone else's comments from another blog, that explains my thoughts and feelings better than I ever could:

"I recently viewed the documentary Every F---ing Day of My Life and I was beyond appalled. What Wendy and those four beautiful boys had to endure at the hands of that sick, psychotic twist. Quite frankly, I'm surprised she and the children lasted as long as they did without their lives ending at the hands of Aaron. Wendy, if you read this know that your years have not been spent in vain, because despite the horrendous abuse you and your children were subjected to, you did something right---it's clear that you adore your children, they adore you and they adore one another. How you were able to sustain to keep such a powerful love alive is amazing to me. God bless you and your beautiful boys."

Achmed Makes Me Laugh!

I love vids that make me Lough Out Loud! Like this one:

My Favorite Frasier Scene!

This 6 minutes of Frasier makes me laugh out loud!

My Favorite Joke!

(I LOVE this! hehehe)

Men and Women Dating

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed- even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


I lost the exact wording to this joke for many years, but came across it finally in the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet/jokes.asp

One of My Favorite Cartoons

Mistakes

"It is better
to make new mistakes
than it is to
repeat the old ones."

(easier said than done!)

Way Back When...

I love the website Way Back Machine at http://www.archive.org/web/web.php.

It somehow, magically, can pull up websites from the past - and you can see what they look like AND check out the info on the website from back then. I use this "search engine" sometimes when I am looking up info that can no longer be found from a website that is no longer available. You know, the dreaded, "Server no found" when you try to pull up a website sometimes:


Well, type in the name of the "missing" website onto the WayBackMachine website, and it will show you the website anyway! Even if it's been several years.

Ahhh..... the Internet!

Ticked

I got ticked off the other day. I needed it. I was being blind and stupid. Now I have more strength to fight the stupid urge to be pathetic.

I am glad I got upset/mad/ticked. At first the feeling was hurt and upsetness. But now I seem a little numb and not caring and that's what I needed to stop being so blindsided.

About darn time I might add.

I needed this kick in the pants, even though it hurt what I found out. It's okay though - I am stronger than I think. And this was so needed because I was tired of being pathetic. Let's face it, it's embarrassing and forces us to have low self esteem.

Confidence is what I like to feel and I was lacking in that I think. Why does one act pathetic otherwise? I don't like that side of me.

King Kong

My Dad told me I would like King Kong. He kept telling me to watch it. I finally did watch it - after he passed away almost three years ago, I watched his DVD of it on New Year's Eve in his room. He was right - the special effects in that movie are AMAZING! The sound effects were awesome as well!! (I'm starting to see a theme here - good visual special effects accompanied by awesome sounds/noises really entice my liking of a movie).

If you haven't seen the movie, I recommend it. I realize it came out a few years ago, but a friend of mine told me last night he had never seen it (even though it was playing on cable, too). I was shocked!

The river scene with that big fish monster! The T Rex's against King Kong is truly spectacular! I don't like the insect scene, but the special effects of the animals is truly something to witness.

I was very impressed, also, with Naomi Watts. She should be in more movies - btw she was perfect in this movie! Also, Jack Black is funny in this movie and Adrian Brody was awesome in his role!

I will fully admit, though, I have yet to see the ending of King Kong. It was on again this weekend and before the ending I turned the channel. I know KK dies. I know it will make me cry. I know.... I'm weird.

Avoiding Hurt, Hurts

I've been struggling for the last few weeks with honesty.

Why can I not fully tell someone the truth because I'm so afraid to hurt them?

You'd think after all the leadership classes and life experiences that I would know how to word things in a way as to not hurt people. At least not hurt them as bad as I could without thinking about my wording first. Instead, I have been just avoiding situations.

I haven't been telling people the true reason for some things, and I feel bad. You think I could accept not hurting my friends - I mean, who wants to hurt anyone? But lately it has taken it's toll on me. Instead of hurting my friends with words, I have hurt them by NOT telling them reasons for my behavior. It's been a pretty rough time with this lately. I think if this happened once every two years or something, maybe it wouldn't weigh on me so much, but in reality, since last November "this" has started and then it happened again in Jan and full force in May and July.

I still sometimes think maybe I made the right decisions because what I should have told them really would have hurt them. But in reality, I have hurt some of my friends already without even speaking to them the whys of my actions and nonactions.

I lost some friends along the way. All because I don't want to hurt them.

In other situations, I avoid so much wanting to share my true feelings because of embarrassment and not wanting to share the truth, that I continue to not say things.

Over the weekend I expressed all this to a friend and they told me "you are okay and still a good person." But am I really? Some hurtful words are truly pointless to ever say, but other words could help people. Of course other times it's to save face.

Struggles.

Hurt.

Pain.

Reflection.

I wonder if maybe I am thinking a lot more about this lately not only because I have been avoiding hurting my friends, but also because I have witnessed full force people being completely honest about things. Saying it like it is. I mean, the words they are saying are very open and they are being friends by saying things. But I have to admit they aren't just spouting off things AT me.

Other things I have witnessed are people on the internet not afraid to say things; to anyone. It's such a weird thing for me to see - hurtful words in front of everyone. People saying exactly what they think; being rude and crappy. I don't get it. Does anyone not think of how their words affect people. Empathy? Care? Hello?

People have told me 'saying it like it is' helps others and helps me. Well, maybe that's true because lately this is one of the things I have been struggling with. :(

Isn't the Answer Obvious?

There is a headline over at People.com: "Would You Watch a Reality Show About Bristol and Levi?"

Um, not only no, but heck no. Seriously? That's a serious question? OMG....

So, I checked out the results of the poll, and I'm not alone! Out of like 15,000 votes, 27% think they'd be 'fun to watch,' while us other 73% say they are not interesting.

I'm Still Her... :(

I had a rough weekend. Lots going on with me internally. I found out some things about myself that I am not proud of. Without going into specifics, I found out I am the female I never wanted to be anymore. I found out that all my "talk" of not being that person, was really still deep inside me and came out of me this past weekend in an ugly way.

Bottom line - I can't control my emotions still. Even when I KNOW not to say something to someone, even when I KNOW it's not the right time to express how unhappy I am, I still do it... and I did it this past weekend.

Why can I not wait sometimes? Why do I sometimes have no control over expresing my hurt emotions? I sometimes just HAVE to express my disappointment or hurtfulness even when the time is not right. Even when I'm fully aware "Don't say anything right now..." I still sometimes do it.

It was a very tough realization that I am still that person I was in my 20s. Very disappointing.

Invitiation of People in Your Life

John Edwards's daughter, Cate, recently talked about the "situation" that her parents went through. You know, when John had an affair, didn't admit to it, fathered a child, then admitted to it, blah blah.

This blog isn't about John or the affair, it's about an interesting comment his daughter stated that I hadn't considered from that point of view before. As read from People.com, Cate said, "There are the things she (her Mom) taught without words." Like "how to continue to live your life on your own terms when it somehow becomes savaged by people you never invited into it."

For some reason, that statement is very intriguing to me because it's such an different perspective. She isn't blaming the other woman or talking negatively about her in that sentence. Instead she views the woman in a very non judgmental way, as simply someone who was "never invited into it (their life)."

If many of us could consider such a perspective about people in our lives, I think it might help us in some certain situations in regard to our emotions and feelings, thoughts and concerns.

More Writing?

I want to write more over here. It's my therapy. It is an open blog so I can't be too specific all the time regarding my feelings/emotions/hurt about/over certain people, but writing things down is helpful for me to get through things. I love to read through my previous blog entries that contain helpful quotes and sayings - they are great reminders for tough times!!

Anyhow, I hope I do start to write more over here. I need to figure some things out in my head. I've hurt a lot of people this year and been hurt by others. I think I need to do some inward discovery. Or something.

Disappeared

There is this channel on satellite/cable called ID (Investigation Discovery). It is basically a bunch of crime shows: Dateline, 48 Hours, Crimes of Passion, Solved, Hollywood Crime, Extreme Forensics, Unusual Suspects, Child Murderers, etc. Kind of like that show Snapped, but it's a whole channel about not just female criminals, but all kinds and how the crimes are solved and who is caught and/or not caught.

I can literally watch the channel all day long. For some reason, I find it intriguing. It sounds weird and morbid I know, but the stories are heart wrenching and intriguing at the same time.

HOWEVER.... there is one show on ID I will not watch. It's called: "Disappeared." You can gather that the show is about people who disappear. I can't watch that show. I think one of THE most painful ways to lose someone would be is if they disappeared. I realize that if someone passes away from a car crash, murder, disease, etc. etc. is brutal for the family members. But for some reason, I think disappearance would be the most difficult for family members.

So, I cannot fathom even accidentally stopping on the ID channel when that particular show is on. Show me the crimes and murders, but my heart cannot handle the unbearing thought that parents must feel if their child (no matter if 3, 5, 12, 18, or 30 years old) go "missing."

I would be looking my whole life for a sister, brother, Mom, Dad or child if they all of a sudden one day disappeared. I don't have sisters or brothers, or children, but I still know deep in my heart that this would be so difficult to live with. I would look every person in the face everywhere I went, I would look in cars as I drove down the street, check the internet, bother police every day, and do my own searches and searches. Every day it would consume me; every night I would not be able to sleep. For years and years until I die I would be consumed and disturbed about my missing loved one.

You may think I know someone who has had a family member who disappeared or went missing but I have not. It's just one of those fears in life I feel for others.

So, you wont ever find me watching the ID Channel when Disappeared is on. Bring on 48 Hours and Extreme Forensics instead.

To Hell With It

You are going to think I am CRAZY, but I LOVE Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

I love the special effects and the SOUNDS! I can go on and on... :)

I never saw Hellboy, the first one, but when I read that Guillermo del Toro was directing Hellboy II, I couldn't wait for it to come out in the movie theatre! Guillermo directed Pan's Labyrinth. That movie, while not for the faint at heart and NOT about Fairies as you might think, had amazing special effects. Additionally, the sounds the creatures made were so impressive! Therefore, I couldn't wait for Hellboy II, and I was not disappointed.

Guillermo with the cast.

HellBoy II is also funny - it has some great, laugh-out-loud parts to it!

My favorite scenes:

• when Hellboy fights Wink in the Troll Alley. Wink has a personality, and it shows in this scene. And the sound effects when he dies ( sorry for the spoiler ) is smart.
• the entire scene with the Forrest God. The special effects, the like-ness to a human, the reactions to words, the SOUNDS he makes, and in the end he creates life. My only regret is we don't hear more sounds from the Forrest God.
• i also liked when Krauss and Hellboy get into it in the locker room, lol.
• of course I love it in the end when the Golden Army comes back to life. You can hear a choo-choo train sound at one point!
• and finally, hearing the leather flaps of Prince Nuada's outfit while he fights and jumps in the last scene is awesome.

HellBoy II comes on all the time on my cable channels. I get all excited when I see on the guide that it will be coming on later that night! :) I can watch it over and over!!

Dang It...

Got this via email late last week:

:(


We would like to provide you with an important update to the American Airlines AAdvantage® program. Effective July 1, 2010, the Marriott Rewards program will no longer offer AAdvantage miles for stays at Marriott hotels.

All qualifying stays at participating properties completed by June 30, 2010 will be eligible to earn AAdvantage miles. It is also important to note the final date to convert your Marriott Rewards points to AAdvantage miles will be June 30, 2010.

As an AAdvantage member you have access to an extensive network of hotels where you can earn AAdvantage miles, including 60 brands in over 100 countries. For a limited time, visit the AAdvantage® ConnectionsSM Web site for a list of our special hotel offers.

We appreciate your loyalty to American Airlines and the AAdvantage program.

I use the points from Marriott solely for AA miles. Hmm... I don't think I earn enough points a year to get a free room/night from Marriott. I wonder if I will consider a different hotel chain when looking at where to stay if I am planning weekend trips. Hmm.... I will prolly stay at one certain Marriott in Austin due to location, but otherwise, I think my choice will be swayed.

Fortune Cookie

This was on the little piece of paper in my fortune cookie last week:

"A passionate new romance will appear in your life when you least expect it."

Well, duh!

Like they occur when we expect it? lol

April 2010

I don't write too much in this personal blog - I write more in my other blog (my pool blog) but that's okay. Sometimes I want to share things over here and sometimes I am too busy over there, lol.

Anyway, since I hadn't written once this month yet, and the end of the month is nearing, I thought I would submit a little entry.

Here is a great quote I saw the other day:

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." -- Mark Twain

Taxes

I have done my own taxes my whole life. I first started doing them by filling out the forms. Then when some Tax companies got online, I used them and continued to do my taxes online by myself. I even did my taxes myself when I was married and had our first house - it was pretty convenient and I didn't have to pay anyone to do them for me. I love saving money!

Well, last year I noticed that the cute little city that I live in (my mailing address is 'Fort Worth,' but I really live in a small little city in/near/beside Fort Worth) had set up for the AARP to complete and then file our taxes if we lived in this little city. All I had to to was to show up sometime on Mondays before April 15th at the City Hall (which is a super small little building) to meet with the AARP volunteers.

Last year I went because it was the first year I had to deal with things I hadn't done before - claiming my Mom, a new house, and what to do about my Dad's passing and my Mom's taxes. So, I broke down and went to this service because it was free.

They were very cordial and super nice! I wasn't sure if they would even work on my return because I wasn't an AARP-type person yet (lol), but they didn't seem to mind. I think they knew I was there for my Mom, anyway.

Well, I went today again and took advantage of their free, polite, fast service. I love it! I even got lucky and the same guy who did my return last year did my return this year, too. Out of about 8 volunteers, he had just finished working on a return when I walked in and so they sate me with him. He even remembered me - it was so sweet.

I need to write them a thank you letter, that's how excited and thankful I am. I love convenience and people helping me out!

Smile Quotes

I don't want the first post on this page to be so sad, so let me share some smile pics with ya:

Stress And Others

I noticed when I am stressed and overwhelmed I take it out on the ones I care about most. I also notice I want to hear from the ones I care about while I'm going through tough times and when I don't, my mind wanders into deep dark areas that I wish would never come up from the muddy waters... all because I "feel" lonely. My heart feels like if I was to hear from them, some of the sadness would go away; just hearing their voices calms me, distracts me, and makes me feel loved and less lonely.

I really, truly hate taking out my frustrations on the ones I care about. But when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I can't handle a lot of the questions that normally-wouldn't-irritate me and I in return get snappy. :( I don't mean to be snappy, though. I'm just mentally tasked and overwhelmed and my mind can't rationalize what is going on and it breaks down into child-like responses of frustration. :(

Besides a lot of questions, I also cannot take comments about things that need to be done. I immediately go into a defense mode and no positive thoughts can break through for some reason. Common sense goes right out the window and I can't think clear and rationalize that maybe the person is just talking AT me, not really saying negative things that I am not seeing what they truly are - just statements, not complaining of my lack of action. Usually they are just stating things that have come to their mind that need to be done; it's no reflection of me.

Then there's the contact aspect. When I am depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed, I admit wholeheartedly I want to hear more from the close male friends that may be in my life at the time. I really can't handle the lack of contact during the tough times - my mind literally spirals out of control and I feel so helpless and think negative thoughts that can sometimes consume me. :( I don't like to reach out when I am depressed or upset; but I wish so hard in my brain for the ones I care about to contact me, and yet they don't. They don't realize a simple phone call or text would mean the world and help me through the rough times. What upsets me even more is this happens even after I break down and explain I enjoy hearing from them and it helps me b/c I'm having a rough time. Isn't that obvious that it means I want/need to hear from them? I guess not. There have been a few times I even broke down and went WAY out of my comfort zone and actually ASKED for them to contact me more... which still led to NOT an increase in contact.

I wouldn't get upset at all at them or my mind wouldn't spiral out of control if I wasn't stressed or overwhelmed, though. I am fully aware of that. I wish I could control my thoughts better during the rough times; I really, really do. But I seem to really lose a good grasp of any leadership principle when I am stressed and overwhelmed and I get very fragile and weak. My mind has a mind of it's own, lol.

I am very happy for my few close girlfriends that I can call at any time or call/text me to see how I am doing. I also appreciate my online friends who keep in touch. Although I am venting above, still doesn't mean I do realize I do still have some great friends out there and I am very appreciative of you! I just I could handle my emotions and thoughts better during rough times...

The Eyes Have It

I decided after seeing some peeps with cool colored contacts that I would buy a box of grey and a box of green. The colored contacts looked awesome on them! I had green way back when in college, but only for a like a month or something.

I tried on many colors about a year and a half ago so I was excited about my choices.

I wore the grey ones for a week before I went to Vegas for my Birthday in February. I figured I wanted cool looking eyes for my B Day in my favorite city! No one noticed or said anything, though for that week. Hmm. Then I figured I would try the green ones before my Vegas trip. I wore them for about 4 days at a tournament I attended (not played in). No one noticed or said anything. Hmmm...

So, I didn't take either color to Vegas, lol. Now I have two boxes of colored contacts that I'm not sure I will wear again! I wouldn't mind wearing them in general, but I swear they make my eyes tired. I need to see if I can play pool in them - I swear I can see the colored edges at times even though I KNOW that doesn't make sense. One of these days I will try it out during league or something.... dunno.

Still, I think this is all hysterical that I planned for the colored contacts before my trip and then they weren't even noticeable. lol!

Sort by

So, why isn't it obvious if I choose to sort in my electronic folders on windows that I would want it by most recent date? Why does it automatically sort by furthest date when I choose to sort by "date" when adding an attachment to an email or to open a document? I mean, really. REALLY?!

Stronger

I'm trying to be strong with my thoughts; trying not to over think, think too much, worry about crap, all that jazz. I notice the more confident I am, the stronger my thoughts are.

I am trying to shut down spiraling, negative thoughts sooner, beat it at the pass so to speak.

I am somewhat successful right now because I am not depressed. Over the holidays it was pure torture, tho, lol.

I just saw this old phrase the other day and never really THOUGHT what the 4 words said, how impactful they really are, and how helpful they can be:

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Why is that phrase so profound to me today?? I wish I could brand it on my brain.

Horoscope

Got this via e-mail the other day. Not sure if it's the Horoscope for the day, week, month, year, whatever but it kinda describes me I guess:

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality.... Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional... Can be a bit rebellious.. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out... Eccentric personality.

Then of course this was added at the end of my astrological sign: "11 years of luck if you forward."

Oops!

Hurt

"They didn't mean to hurt me."

Say it again.

"They didn't mean to hurt me."

People don't go through life deliberately hurting other people. If they do hurt me, they probably don't even know it!

I wish I could burn this into my brain for those times my heart aches so badly I can't believe it, or when I want to quickly lash out with a crappy response, or for those times after I get off the phone and just want to cry as I sit there in astonishment.

Reminder from my other blog entry:

People never become defensive about what you're saying.

People become defensive because of why they think you're saying it.

I should think that way, but I know that I can move forward much faster during times of hurt reminding myself that people do not deliberately hurt me, than trying to make my mind rethink years of harden memories.

Repeat After Me:

People do not deliberately hurt others.

Avatar

While I was apprehensive about seeing a 2 hour & 40 minute movie (I mean, who can make your nachos last THAT long?), enough friends said it didn't "feel" like a 3 hour movie so I decided to go check it out.

I decided against the 3D viewing, knowing James Cameron's work, I knew it would still be specatular and using the word "specatular" doesn't even come close to just how amazing it really was.

The special effects and action were AMAZING! I loved the movie. However, the reason the movie was also fabulous was because of the acting by a rising star named Zoe Saldana. She plays Neytiri in the film. She was phenomenal. When she cried with pain, you felt pain. Her voice described perfectly her emotions. It was truly amazing how she well she can act!

What makes her acting even more amazing is when you find out the acting of the "blue people" (as I call them) were done in a bland warehouse with little cameras pointing to their mouths and the actors in bodysuits with no props around them. To realize she showed those rare emotions in such an environment makes one appreciate her acting even more!

Neytiri

Zoe

On the set

Rough Start

I'm not one to complain - anyone who reads my blogs or knows me personally knows that. But I must admit, I had a rough start to the New Year. I hate to admit that! Not in my nature to complain or connect situations with events. So, this past weekend over New Year's was very different for me. Damn holidays, lol.

• Too much negativity going on in my mind
• Too many things I need to do around the house and yet I still haven't done them
• Too many big changes I need to make but don't know if I have the strength to really purge
• Worrying too much about stupid crap
• Crying over things I can control
• Learning who my true friends are is actually hurtful/hurting
• Feeling guilty because I should do even more for my Mom
• Still giving too much to others that do not show me even a smidgen of the same respect

As you can tell - a super rough weekend. :(