New Year, Better Attitude

This past year has been very tough on me in regard to friendships and drama shit.  I was never around drama, and I prided myself on that.  Yet I somehow managed to find myself in the middle of it in 2012.  Mostly from people not knowing me well, or taking things out of context, or not understanding things properly, or assuming things.

I was hurt more this past year than any year of my life when it came to friendships.  I lost a few along the way, gained some amazing friends, too.

I am a firm believer in the reason, season, lifetime philosophy and I know that friendships do not last forever, and I am ok with that.  But to be constantly hurt I am NOT okay with.

It's been such a weird year for me.  Along the way of losing friends and being treated badly, I also gained a lot of wonderful, amazing, special friends!  I became friends with people I never really knew how special they were, and I have been truly blessed.  I have also been supportive to some friends who never really knew how caring I could be.  And in turn, we became better friends.  That comes directly from caring for my Mom; and loving my Mom.

I know deep in my heart what a wonderful person I am to my friends and loved ones.  I live with all my choices in life because I AM a good person.

The only person who is suppose to matter, who's opinion is suppose to matter, is my own. 

But, that was hard this past year.  Very difficult to think you are a good person when all I kept hearing was I was a bad person.   My heart and soul can only take so much and to have it all happen in ONE year was extremely difficult.  If it was spread out, I could prolly of handled it more, but it was one thing on top of another, just piled on.

However, instead of continuing to be hurt over "friends" and feeling like SHIT and feeling like I'm not a good person, when I know I am, I am going to instead this upcoming year look on the bright side of things when something hurtful happens.

Basically, I'm going to find a good fucking reason for someone talking behind my back about me, or making things up, or calling me a liar, or not speaking to me anymore, or lying about me, or not liking my life, or disrespecting me to my face, etc.

That will be my new motto for 2013. 

I despise new years resolutions, but I really need to do this for myself, so I can stop being in so much pain, stop feeling so bad about myself, and stop having such low self esteem.  I really have had a very terrible, sad, hurtful, miserable year.

And I really, really want it to be over already... ;(

I haven't had such low self esteem about myself in a long time.  I was told a lot this entire year by all sorts of different people through words or their actions or hearing third party, that they think I'm not a nice person, or I keep doing things that are wrong, or I'm not a team player, or I'm a bad person, or I am a liar, or people are lying about me, or people don't like my actions, or that I'm standoff-ish, or a bitch, or they are treating me with disrespect. 

I am a human being who really is a good person and I'm tired of letting others' incorrect assumptions defeat myself and my attitude.

If anyone is reading this, maybe you are thinking, "if so many of these unfortunate "friend" instances happened all year, maybe you aren't the good person that you think you are?"

Quite frankly, dammit, I KNOW I'm a good person and people's judgment of me should have no effect on my emotions, heart, or self esteem.

I deserve more for myself.

If you truly know me, get to know me, and don't judge me, you will see the beautiful human being that I can be; that I AM.

You are in control of your happiness.

Happiness is easy..we just have to decide to be.

All the happiness you ever find lies in you.

I'm tired of being kicked in the groin, and feeling so badly about what others have said, I cry myself to sleep.

I have honestly been shocked about the things I have heard over the past year what people said about me. 

But, in the end, it's my choice how to take words.

I can choose my response to actions and words.

I can decide who hurts me or not.

I have that control, and I need to utilize it to the fullest.

I just needed to realize all this so I can be mentally stronger about it all.

I was too hurt and still mourning the loss of my Mom to be strong in any area of my life.  I admit it - I was mentally weak.  And, these "friends" kicked me when I was down.

I want to be stronger.  I NEED to be stronger.  Because quite honestly, I really, REALLY can't take it anymore.

Verbal Abuse and College

It's very difficult for me to express how torn I am about my Dad.  I call him my Dad because he was in my life since 11, but he is my StepDad.  My Real Dad, I say "Real Dad," to distinguish. 

My Dad was a very difficult man to live with.  He verbally abused my Mom and I for 25 years.  You may think that's silly.  "If he was in your life starting at 11, then that means he verbally abused you into your mid 30s?" you are asking yourself.  "How can anyone verbally abuse an adult child that moved away?"

Easy.

Even though I moved out to go to college at 18 and then lived on my own after that, even though I wasn't physically around for him to verbally abuse me, he did it via long distance, on the phone; through that stupid, freaking phone.  Or when I visited them throughout the next 18 years.

My torture lies in the fact that my Dad was a very strong proponent of college.  He kinda forced me to get good grades.  I really had no choice.  He wouldn't allow it.  He was the strict one of the two for sure.

My Mom always felt bad when I said that it was my Dad that made me go to college.  I do accept that my Mom was a huge proponent of me going to college, also, and she paid for most of my loans and ensured I was taken care of.  But she didn't get on to me about my grades.  My Dad was the one who would kill me if I came home with bad grades.  I was literally too scared NOT to get good grades.

So here is my dilemma that I have struggled with.  The man that verbally abused me, made me go to college.  Because of that, I have a great paying job, a great house, a great car, a great life.  Because of him. 

Sure, I had some help along the way with my decisions, but I had to first live in a home knowing I had no choice about going to college.

But, it's the man who verbally abused me and really, honestly, made it very tough for my Mom and I.  For 25 years.

I would find out through counseling (that I had to start going to at age 35 because I could no longer handle his anger and rudeness) that he prolly had a few mental issues (like immature personality disorder for example) that had something to do with his extreme anger, weird paranoia, and negativism.

He would call me from San Antonio, when I lived in the Dallas area, and ask me where my Mom was.

What?  I have no idea.  I am 34 years old and live 5 hours away.   

"She's not at home from work yet.  It's already 7pm and she got off at 5pm.  She's prolly dead on the side of the road after being raped," he would say with such conviction like he truly believed it.

"What?  Uh, no I haven't heard from her. I'm sure she's ok.  Running an errand or something."

"Well, if she doesn't come home soon, I'm gonna have to call the police."

"Ok, well, let me know...." I begged, as he slammed the phone in my ear.

And later I would call and he would answer all fine, "Oh, I forgot she had to go to the grocery store."  Never once thinking to call and update me on her missing, bloodied body.

One time at Christmas, I was living away after college and I bought all these presents for him and my Mom.  He opened one of the boxes and it was these cool slippers I thought he would like.

He opens them, looks at the size, and then THROWS them across the room! "Those aren't my size," he'd yell all upset and angry and hurt, like a little kid.

There were times my Dad was the greatest.  When I bought my first car, my Mom went into the house jealous without saying a word to me; I was DEEPLY hurt.  My Dad, he came up to me, kissed me on the forehead and said "I'm so proud of you, kid."  He knew my unreliable truck needed to be replaced and he also knew the feeling of your first-ever-new-car.  He also knew, "I made it."  I had a good job; because I went to college.

He also used to write little notes all the time to my Mom.  Most were apology notes, but many were how much he loved her, with really sweet words.  And after I moved away, he would write me letters about his every day life at home after he was disabled from severe heart disease and diabetes (he would joke about the squirrels or talk about his fav dog/cat).  I even found a note after his passing, that he left for me that was very sweet, special, and surprising how he left it for me to find!

Please don't think his verbal abuse was a daily thing; as it wasn't.  But, it was often enough that my Mom and I had to be very careful how we worded things; and we were very nervous and scared a lot.  It got worse with his age and because he was in so much pain from his health issues.  I suppose he took it all out on us when he would get hurt, upset, enraged, or was in pain.  For 25 years we endured his Dr Jekyll and My Hyde personality.

But, he also hung up on me a lot.  As someone who didn't understand what was going on, it was pretty tough to get yelled at then the phone slammed down in your face.

I didn't know til his funeral that he did the same thing to his sisters.  I wish I would have known that before; it would have saved me a lot of pain to know he was like that to everyone, not just special 'ole me.  When I heard from my Aunt, "he used to do that to me, also" I started to bawl.  Like a baby.

He would also yell at waiters and waitresses a lot if his food order was wrong.  My Mom and I always got scared when we went out to eat with him because we never knew if he would blow up at some unfortunate soul for something he overreacted about.  We were embarrassed and ashamed a lot.

About 5 months before his death, he was so mean and terrifying to my Mom's nurses at the hospital, the Doctor told me they were close to calling security to remove him from the premises!  As I reflect back, of course now I see that my Dad was just frightened himself about my Mom's health and wanted the nurses to treat her better.  He didn't know how to handle his emotions except through anger and yelling.

It turns out I became a pro a yelling at people.  :(  I learned from the best!  I used to not be able to control it, but I am 1000 times better now.

However, if you see that side of me, it means I'm REALLY pissed.  I hope no one ever sees that side of me.  It's not pretty.

But, when all you see your entire childhood and into your 20s is verbal abuse, I admit I didn't know any better;  I didn't know I wasn't suppose to yell at people.  Eventually my Mom would have to yell back at him, when she had the balls.  His voice would rise like the loudest clap of thunder you ever heard.  With his mean stare, loud voice, ugly and mean words, we mostly cowered.  We hardly ever defended ourselves because we were so damn scared of him.

My neighbors would tell me later that they always thought they would need to call the cops, because they could hear him yelling at my Mom through the walls and feared the worst sometimes.

He used to keep me up all night a lot in my teens and just talk to me... ALL night long.... about what I needed to do and what I was doing wrong.  If I yawned, he would yell at me, "Am I boring you?!?!"  This is at 3am when he's been berating me for hours on end, usually on a school night.

One time I fainted in church the next day because he kept me up all night. 

I was SO thankful my Mom used to get up at 415am for work, because I could finally get away from him and run into my room when she would walk down the hall to ask him, "what is she still doing up?"

One Summer when I was in college, I was trying to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon at my boyfriends apartment.  He was messing with the radio in the living room and it kept me from sleeping.  I finally couldn't handle it anymore!  I flew out the bedroom door, stormed into the living room, and shouted at him, "I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP IN HERE!  TURN THAT DOWN!"

I stormed back into the room and jumped back in the bed, with a huge scowl on my forehead.  I was SO angry he was being so rude and inconsiderate!

He came in a few minutes later.  I figured he was going to apologize, but I was not ready to accept any apology from him!  I was too agitated and upset.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and said to me, almost in a whisper, and with very calm words, "All you had to do was ask."

And he left the room.

That was THE first time I learned you didn't have to yell at people to get them to do things.  That you SHOULDN'T yell at people.  Honestly.  First time I ever knew that.  :(

I was 22 years old.

I'm like any child - I did what my parents did and learned from example.  I acted just like them.  They would yell like that at each other ALL the time at the house.  I honestly knew no different.  My Dad would even wake up my Mom or I just to yell at us for something that had been festering in his mind for a couple of hours overnight.  It was brutal.

My Dad loved my Mom and I more than anything in this world.  I was the daughter he always wanted.  His wife, he considered his soul mate.  But, he had some issues that made him not understand his severe verbal abuse issues.

Since he has passed and I can think clearer, it's pretty obvious he had some mental issues.

I came home from college one time and put on the dining table about 10-20 pages I printed about verbal abuse.  He picked them up, looked at the title and said, "What is this?  I don't do this." and slammed them down on the table and stomped away very angry.

Yea, I did not handle that well.

What was I thinking?  He'd magically read all the papers and have an 'Ah Ha' moment and stop yelling at us?

So, after the incident from the boyfriend, I am NOT exaggerating to tell you it still took me 10-14 years to finally stop yelling at people.  Even tho I heard what the b/f at the time said, and FINALLY found out verbal abuse and yelling was NOT the norm, it still took me a very long time to stop doing it.

I had a couple of friends who helped me.  They would point out when I was treating waiters and waitresses wrong.  It was such a habit for me!  And I was only able to finally control it after years and years.  As I type this, I am SHOCKED it took me 10-14 years to stop yelling at people for little things for no reason.  It was tough to control.  :(

Why did my Mom stay?  Well, she didn't want another "divorce" on her hands.  She felt ashamed if another marriage didn't last.  That's how she was raised - in a time period where divorce was a huge failure looked down on.  And so she stayed with him for all those years so SHE wouldn't look bad.

He continued to hang up on me, yell at me on the phone, and was very rude to me off and on even after I left the roost.  In my mid 30s, I finally bought a tape recorder thingy for my cell phone to record his harassing messages and phone calls.  I couldn't take it anymore.  It was causing me to go into SEVERE depression, and that's about the time I also seeked counseling (which was very helpful, btw).  I don't know what I planned with those messages.  I again assumed he would magically not yell at us anymore if I showed him and made him hear himself, and how he treated us.  I never did tell him about the tapes.  I hope I never run across them.

After his passing, my Mom used to have dreams/nightmares of him yelling at her.  I still have those dreams/nightmares to this day.  It's not pleasant, I admit. 

But, as much as I should be upset and ticked at my Dad for verbally abusing my Mom and I, it is still because of his love for me that I grew up in a household where college was the ONLY option.

I was very blessed that my Dad and I got along the last 6 months of his life.  Before that, I was very upset at him and didn't like him for treating my Mom badly.  Yell at me all you want and hang up on me all the time, but when he continued to yell and scream at my Mom, it broke my heart and caused me to not like him for many years.  I don't think he knew how I felt, as I obviously couldn't show him.  The last thing you want is the wrath from my Dad.  That was not a good thing to see or be a part of.

But, the last six months, he trusted me 100% with his life and my Mom's life and finally saw me as an adult.  He even started to not make ANY decisions without me.  I'm talking BIG decisions; and any and all decisions or choices for he and my Mother.  He finally saw me as the responsible adult he and my Mom had raised.  I enjoyed our last six month together and got to see the REAL Dad in that body.

It's extremely difficult for me to talk about this, as I don't want people to think bad of him, and he still has relatives (sisters and brothers) that I am in contact with.  But the facts are the facts.  He could be a really bad person, but he could also be a really good person.

I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them.  And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.

I never have regrets about anything in my life or my past.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  I don't look back and wish he didn't treat us badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it.  I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood.  It was just the way I lived.  He didn't know any better.  I have to say it was a relief to find out he prolly had some sort of mental disease.  I never wanted to think he was just a jerk.  He just had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we survived it. 

My Pie Was Missing

P.I.E. is well known in the leadership world.

It's not just your Performance or how well you do your job that can help you get a promotion, but if the selecting officials recognize your name (Exposure), or have heard of the projects you are involved with, that is better for you in the long run.  And let's not forget about your Image; if you are looked upon as a good person, personable, friendly, and they have heard that - it's great for a promotion.  Employees love People Persons (people that get along well with others).

P.I.E. = Performance, Image, Exposure

And here's how it breakdowns:

Surprised??  Performance is only 10% of a promotion.  Only ten!  Exposure and Image are more important.

Taken these words from another blog:

"Although Harvey Coleman's book Empowering Yourself, The Organizational Game Revealed was published way back in 1996, its implications still resonate true today. If all you do is perform your job well then you’ll get some form of pay raise or bonus, which for some people is perfectly okay. To get a promotion you’ll need to perform well, cultivate a positive image, and proactively gain exposure to a broad array of the right stakeholders."

Briefly stated, Coleman asserts that career success is based on the 3 key elements of Performance, Image and Exposure (a.k.a. PIE):

1. Performance: this is about the day-to-day work you’re tasked with and the quality of the results you deliver.
2. Image: this is what other people think of you. Your personal brand. Do you maintain a positive attitude? Do you lead with solutions to issues, or are you the person that solely offers roadblocks when others suggest changes or alternatives?
3. Exposure: Who knows about you and what you do? Does your boss know what you do? Does their boss know you and what you do? Do others inside and outside your organization know anything about you?

I was taught this in my leadership classes over 12 years ago.  I lived and breathed it, hearing the advice from the leaders around me.  Then, a couple of my positive bosses moved on, and a negative was left behind.  He was from another mold, and it really brought me down.

But, something worse happened that I didn't see with my own eyes, for over a year or more.

I am saddened to write this, but I no longer lived and breathed Pie.  While I was still a great worker, a team player, the go-to person, the manager/friend people could depend on, I also lost part of my personality.

And part of our personality is the best part of PIE.

You see, I lost my best friend, my Mom, in August 2011.  She considered me the "love of her life."  I cared for her for 4 years, but the last year was the worst.  I was with her in and out of hospitals for over 3 years, with the last being the longest stays and the worst times. 

While I still did my job very well, and was dependable and got all my work completed, I wasn't the same happy person as I used to be.

And then when my Mom passed, I literally grieved for an entire year. 

If you don't know what that really entails, let me try to explain. 

I became a hermit.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't "feel" happy.  I didn't smile.  I mourned; grieved; for a year.

What this also means is, I was detached.  And I was ok with that (at the time).  I didn't want to be around anyone at work WHILE at work.  I would literally be on the same conf call as my coworkers who would gather in a room together, while I sat in my office and listened on a separate phone.  I admit I also did this so I could concentrate.  In a room full of people, they would sometimes chat while the conf call was going on and I couldn't hear the convo on the phone.  However, it was a good excuse to sit alone in my office and not be around anyone.

Since I didn't want to smile, since I wasn't happy, I didn't want to be around anyone.  Why would I want to be around anyone?

So, I fully admit the last three years at work have been kinda a blur.  I was for sure disengaged and disassociated.

So, my PIE went out the window.  I was not present and no one saw me anymore.  And so my image went from "happy Melinda" to "where is Melinda?" Further, my exposure was literally nil.

And, I can tell it's hurt me a little.

Just last month someone visited our office and wanted to talk to me later in the week.  I thought the topic would be work-related.  Instead, he wondered what was going on with me.  "What's going on?  Where is the Melinda I used to know?"  I was stunned.  He had only seen me in the hall for 10 minutes and I tried SO hard to smile and act happy.  I guess the facade wasn't masked.

He basically could tell I wasn't happy.

I wasn't.

And that something was causing me to be distracted and withdrawn.

He tried to tell me I should be happy.  I should smile again; I "could" smile again.  He was the third person in span of three weeks who said sorta the same thing to me.

I can tell my personality changed with my Mom's death, or maybe it was just the grieving process?  I was just so sad and disengaged, and no longer myself.

I am finally trying VERY hard now to be happier and be the "old Melinda."  The one who would ask a coworker in the hall how their day was going.  Or actually look up into their eyes to say good morning.  I'm TRYING.

However, something else is going on at the same time that I was grieving and missing my PIE.  Someone at my work is working PIE to it's fullest.  Am I jealous?  Sure.  But, I also see they are overworking it and it's really not "networking."  And as in anything in the world, no one likes an asskisser that is favored.

But, they became friends with one of my bosses that used to depend on me and "like" me.  I don't think they now dislike me, but because I made myself distant because I was detached, I wasn't around enough for them to even consider me for things. I honestly didn't feel respected anymore; and that is very important to me.

The one boss I could count on moved on and got a promotion.  He was our only advocate in the office for many of us.  Further, he respected us no matter what.  And, he was the best leader we ever had.  We all miss his guidance, leadership and the way he treated us and handled issues.

I don't want to say my detachment hurt my over-all career, but I think it has a little bit.  My Mom would be SO VERY disappointed and upset.  I think she would think it would be her fault, because she was sick and I had to take care of her.  But I CHOSE to take care of her because I love her, with all my heart.  She was my everything and I was HER everything. 

If my career suffers because I grieved because I loved someone, I am okay with that.  I can live with doing the right thing for my Mom in the last years of her life. 

I honestly don't think my career suffered, because I wasn't bidding out at the time anyway, and so I truly believe I am okay.  But I DO think it hurt me from being more involved in some "Exposure" projects.  Only because this coworker is involved in a "big" team project I wish I was involved in.  One that has PIE written all over it!

I don't dislike this person b/c they are using PIE, I dislike them because I kinda feel like they took away the friendship I had with my boss.  While this person was going to lunch everyday with them, I hid in my office not wanting to be around anyone.  In a way, it's my own fault.

However, I don't like to be around negative people, or people who bring me down, or make me feel bad about myself.  This person and my old boss made me feel like that.  Their negativity and gossiping about others is something I didn't want to be a part of during my quiet hour (lunch). 

But, the bottom line is Exposure is extremely important to getting jobs/promotions.  And Image is very important, also.

That's why I keep my personal life private, and my work life separate.  They see a female playing pool and they don't see a responsible woman competing and testing her leadership skills.  Instead they see a person going to smokey bars, around alcohol, and wasting my time.  What I see is a person who has become a better person through the lessons of competition and mental toughness, and running very large organizations with over 300+ members that involve pool for over 10 years.

Bottom line is PIE is important and mine was missing for a while.  I plan to get it back.  :)

I love you Mom.  You were worth it and everything happens for a reason and I am still a great employee, coworker, and teammate.

Make Relationships Better with How you Choose Your Words

This is a great, informative article about how to get your kids to listen, entitled "5 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen."  But imo, this is good advice for everyday living!  With coworkers, significant others, friends, etc.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/5-ways-kids-listen-160800309.html

 1. Say it With a Single Word

The situation My daughters have only one assigned chore: to carry their plates to the sink when they're done eating. Still, not a night went by when I didn't need to tell them to do it, sometimes three times. Even that didn't guarantee they would -- and who would finally clear them? Take a guess.

The old way After they ignored my repeated commands, I'd sit Blair and Drew down and preach for ten minutes about how I wasn't their servant and this wasn't a restaurant.

The better way Kids usually know what they're supposed to do; they just need some simple reminding. "They'll tune you out when you go on and on," Faber told me. "Instead, try just one word to jog their memory."

The result After dinner one night, all I said was "plates." At first the girls looked at me as if I were speaking in an alien tongue. But a second later, they picked them up and headed for the kitchen. After roughly a month of reinforcement, I don't need to say anything; they do it automatically. "Teeth!" works equally well for getting them to brush, as does "Shoes" to replace my typical morning mantra: "Find your shoes and put them on; find your shoes and put them on". And when I hear Blair screaming, "Give me that!" I simply say, "Nice words" (okay, that's two words). I practically faint when she says, "Drew, would you please give that to me?"


2. Provide Information

The situation My friend Michele had just served lunch when, as was her habit, 2-year-old Everly jumped off her chair, climbed back on, turned around, stood up, and then stomped on the cushion.

The old way When Everly wouldn't respond to a patient "You need to sit still," Michele would get annoyed and say something like, "How hard is it to understand? You must sit down!" Everly would cry but still not sit. In the end, she'd get a time-out, which didn't change her behavior.

The better way State the facts instead of always issuing commands. "Who doesn't rebel against constant orders?" asks Faber. (I know I do.) Kids aren't robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to. The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, "Put that milk away," you might simply say: "Milk spoils when it's left out." This approach says to a child, "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing,'" Faber explains.

The result The next time Everly played jungle gym at mealtime, Michele took a calming breath and then said, "Honey, chairs are meant for sitting." Everly smiled at her mother, sat down, and then started eating. "That never happened before," Michele reports. She still has to remind her daughter now and then, but in the end, Everly listens. The technique applies to other situations as well. Rather than saying, "Stop touching everything," Michele now points out, "Those delicate things can break very easily." Ditto for "Legos belong in the green bin so you can find them the next time you want to play with them" and "Unflushed toilets get stinky."


3. Give Your Child a Choice

The situation Three days after our final session, Joan took her kids to Orlando. At the Magic Kingdom, she handed them hats to shield the sun. Her 6-year-old put hers on willingly. Her almost-5-year-old, Sam, refused.

The old way "I'd try to persuade him to cooperate," Joan says. Inevitably, she'd end up shouting, "If you don't put it on, you can't go on any more rides." Then he'd bawl his eyes out, and no one would have any fun.

The better way Offer your child choices. "Threats and punishment don't work," Faber explains on one of the workshop CDs. "Rather than feeling sorry for not cooperating, a child tends to become even more stubborn. But when you make him part of the decision, he's far more likely to do what's acceptable to you."

The result Joan left it up to her son: "Sam, you can put your hat on now or after you sit out the next ride." Sam still wouldn't comply. "But after he missed out on Peter Pan's Flight, I said, 'Sam, here's your hat,' and he put it right on," Joan says.


4. State Your Expectations

The situation Amy let her kids turn on the TV before they left for school. After one show was over, she'd take Adrian, 4, to get dressed while Angela, 7, kept watching. But when it was Angela's turn to get ready, she'd whine, "Just ten more minutes. Please? Pleeeeeeeaaase!"

The old way Amy would yell: "No, you've watched enough. That's it." Angela would complain some more. Amy would yell, "I said no!" Then, after more begging, she'd add, "You've already had more TV time than Adrian. You're being ungrateful."

The better way Let your kids know your plan ahead of time. Amy should tell Angela something like this: "After you've brushed your teeth and are totally dressed and ready to go, you can watch a little more TV while I get your brother dressed. That way you'll be on time for school."

The result The first time Amy tried this tactic, Angela turned off the TV without saying a word. But the second morning, she refused and started bellyaching again. Amy quickly realized she hadn't reminded Angela of the plan in advance this time. So the following morning she stated it again clearly: "When I leave with Adrian, I expect you to turn off the TV." Success. She finds the strategy equally effective for other situations ("No starting new games until the one you've just played is put away").

5. Name Their Feelings

The situation Carrie's daughter Tatum, 6, was happily blowing bubbles with a friend. Suddenly, Tatum stormed into the room, wailing, "Mina's not giving me a turn."

The old way "I'd say something like, 'There's no reason to cry over this,'" Carrie says. What would Tatum do? The opposite -- cry more and likely ruin the rest of the playdate.

The better way Parents need to listen too. "Everyone wants to know they've been heard and understood," Faber argues. Telling a child to stop crying sends the message that her feelings don't matter. Kids often cry (or whine, yell, or stomp) because they can't communicate why they're upset or don't know how to deal with the emotion. "You need to give them the words to express it," Faber says.

The result Next time, Carrie looked Tatum in the eye and described what she thought her daughter was feeling: "You seem really frustrated!" Tatum stared at her in surprise and then announced, "I am." Carrie held her tongue to keep from giving advice ("You need to..."), defending her friend ("Mina deserves a turn too"), or getting philosophical ("That's life"). Instead, she said, "Oh." Tatum kept talking: "I wish I had two bottles of bubbles." Carrie asked, "How can we work this out so it's fair to you and Mina?" Tatum said by taking turns. Carrie suggested they use a kitchen timer, and Tatum explained the plan to Mina. Everyone wound up happy. "It's hard to stop yourself from saying too much," says Carrie. She's right. Phrases like, "You never listen to me" and "How many times do I have to tell you?" become ingrained in our brain. During the workshop, my friends and I realize that it's going to take a bit of practice to stop uttering these expressions. But that's the entire point: to change the way we talk to our kids, so they not only understand what we're trying to say but actually want to listen.

Sugar Cravings

So, my body and mind are telling me I want to sleep all the time??

Seriously, good info - especially at night:

http://walk.walgreens.com/blog/post/sugar-cravings-go-to-sleep

What Versus Why

Quote

"Never let others' opinions change the way you feel about yourself."

I Actually Multi-Task Very Well, Believe It Or Not

I get a text from Brian during lunch reminding me to submit something for him online.  I save the text, knowing I may forget.

I get back to my office.

I re-open up my work email, start to reply to Jane H.

It reminds me I need to call Todd in Tampa, FL about a form that needs to be filled out for a new project.

While I'm on the phone, I remember I need to call Allen in Jackson, KY about something for my boss.

While on hold, I grab an envelope, because I remembered I need to mail something.

I leave the unaddressed envelope on my desk as a reminder to address it, stamp it, and mail it later.

That reminds me I need to ask my friend Juan about a mutual friend.

I get off the phone and email something to the Tampa office immediately about the new project we just spoke about.

I then remember I wanted to post something funny on FaceBook (FB) about my dentist.

I open up FB real quick, and read a link about a funny chicken (I swear!).

I forget I wanted to post about my dentist.  But I re-post the link about the chicken!

I close FB, get back to my work email.

See something that reminds me I need to check my phone for the text message.

I turn on my phone and see the battery is dying.  I grab the cord and plug it in.

But then I go back to my work email and I forget to check my text messages on my phone.

I then recall I need to call my dentist.

OH, and post about it on FB.  THAT's why I got on FB!

I go to open up FB, but see an email in my personal email that I forgot to forward to a business owner.

I forward the email.

That reminds me again I need to talk to Juan.

I forget to open FB again.
 
I then open my drawer to try and find my dentists' phone #.

I can't find any receipt so I can't find his #, but see a memo from work I wanted to work on today.

I pick up the memo and lay it on my desk as a reminder.

I then realize, OH - I have my dentists' # in my phone.

I go to my phone that's on the charger, see the text from Brian as a reminder to submit the online form for him.

I forget to get my dentists' # !

BUT, it reminds me to text Brian about his drivers license.

I then see some new emails in my work inbox and check them diligently.

I then look down and see the memo on my desk.

I pick up the memo and underneath it was the blank envelope.

I put the memo down and address the envelope (I'm making some progress here).

I reopen my drawer for a stamp, see my checkbook, it reminds me I still need to call THE DANG DENTIST!

OMG...

AND put up the funny comment about my dentist on FB (that's no longer funny to me).

I reach for my phone to call my dentist, see the text from Brian.

Finally submit the online form for him.

I move the envelope to the edge of my desk so I remember to mail it when I leave today.

I pick up the memo, it reminds me to call Allen in Jackson.

I put the memo back down, call Allen, but have to leave a voicemail for him, which reminds me - I still need to CALL THE DANG DENTIST!
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Fifteen minutes in the life of Melinda (lmao)