I can't recall if I've ever woken up from a nightmare wailing before.
I've had nightmares. Woken up scared. Woken up shaken. Maybe cried a little bit from the nightmare?
But not wailing like last night.
My dog (Lily) immediately woke up and came to my rescue. She didn't leave my side for the rest of the night.
I remember I kept saying in my nightmare, "please let me wake up, don't let this be real!"
Took a while, but finally did wake up. Upset and wailing.
Brutal.
So glad Lily was there to help calm me down.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Thursday, June 29, 2017
That Time I Said No
There are things we may reflect on in our past that make us wonder sometimes, how would my life be different if....?
Because I am am alcoholic, I presume I have an addictive personality. Whether that is incorrect thinking or not, I can tell by the way I shop, sometimes hoard, my routines, etc that I personally think I do have somewhat of an addictive personality.
Flash back 30+ years ago, sitting in class in middle school.
The boy I had a crush on sat behind me in an afternoon class. I don't remember what the class was, but it was held in the typing classroom and so we all had a typewriter on our desk.
One day, he gets my attention and asks me if I want to try something. I turned around without making eye contact, shy, giggling, and blushing that he was even talking to me. He stuck out his tongue slowly and I saw a thin pink sliver of something on his tongue. I told him, "no," and quickly turned away because my social skills towards a crush had not yet developed into smoothness lol.
I said "no" even though I did not know what it was, even though it looked like candy, and even though I had a crush on him.
I truly believe that the ramifications had I said "yes" to my crush would have propelled me on a different path in life. Especially since I have an addictive personality.
I have yet to do drugs. And I think had I tried that pink strip of acid (I would find out years later that's what it prolly was), I wouldn't be sitting here even typing these words out. I may not even be alive, truth be told.
Because I am am alcoholic, I presume I have an addictive personality. Whether that is incorrect thinking or not, I can tell by the way I shop, sometimes hoard, my routines, etc that I personally think I do have somewhat of an addictive personality.
Flash back 30+ years ago, sitting in class in middle school.
The boy I had a crush on sat behind me in an afternoon class. I don't remember what the class was, but it was held in the typing classroom and so we all had a typewriter on our desk.
One day, he gets my attention and asks me if I want to try something. I turned around without making eye contact, shy, giggling, and blushing that he was even talking to me. He stuck out his tongue slowly and I saw a thin pink sliver of something on his tongue. I told him, "no," and quickly turned away because my social skills towards a crush had not yet developed into smoothness lol.
I said "no" even though I did not know what it was, even though it looked like candy, and even though I had a crush on him.
I truly believe that the ramifications had I said "yes" to my crush would have propelled me on a different path in life. Especially since I have an addictive personality.
I have yet to do drugs. And I think had I tried that pink strip of acid (I would find out years later that's what it prolly was), I wouldn't be sitting here even typing these words out. I may not even be alive, truth be told.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Collage Twist
When I go to a new place, I like to make a collage of the best photos I took along my venture (usually walking in parks).
I do this because a friend of mine went somewhere and made a collage of his fave photos and it was so much MORE awesome to see ONE photo that captured his fave photos. Much better than when people post on Facebook all 20-50 photos they took. Ugh. I don't even have enough signal to look through all their pics, lol. So, I learned from my friend that a collage is a great way for me to showcase a few photos and still get the flavor across, instead of posting an entire album lol.
I have been visiting a few of the same parks lately only because some are close to home. I want to visit more and more new ones, but sometimes I can't do that adventuring during the week after work due to time constraints.
I still find really awesome things to take pics of, tho! But, instead of posting the same river, or same trail, I noticed the other day that sometimes themes show themselves.
Here are two:
Beautiful flowers I came across while walking at Rocky Creek Park and the different humans I saw being busy in the great weather along the Trinity River (both located in Fort Worth, Texas):
I do this because a friend of mine went somewhere and made a collage of his fave photos and it was so much MORE awesome to see ONE photo that captured his fave photos. Much better than when people post on Facebook all 20-50 photos they took. Ugh. I don't even have enough signal to look through all their pics, lol. So, I learned from my friend that a collage is a great way for me to showcase a few photos and still get the flavor across, instead of posting an entire album lol.
I have been visiting a few of the same parks lately only because some are close to home. I want to visit more and more new ones, but sometimes I can't do that adventuring during the week after work due to time constraints.
I still find really awesome things to take pics of, tho! But, instead of posting the same river, or same trail, I noticed the other day that sometimes themes show themselves.
Here are two:
Beautiful flowers I came across while walking at Rocky Creek Park and the different humans I saw being busy in the great weather along the Trinity River (both located in Fort Worth, Texas):
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Made Fun of as a Child
I think sometimes, only very fleeting I admit, about the times I was made fun of as a child. I wasn't bullied, but I was made fun of about certain things on my body.
The shape of my nose was one thing. "Who would ever go out with her, have you seen her nose?" I overheard a girl say about me in elementary school.
I didn't wear dresses and was a Tomboy and many people thought I was a boy, not a girl. It didn't bother me too much - I wasn't a frilly little girl anyway.
My hair was another thing. The neighborhood kids made fun of my hair because I didn't comb it that often during my elementary school years, and it had tangles in it.
As a female, though, it was very detrimental to my self esteem, and caused me to not understand a lot of my decisions growing up, when boys would comment about my chest size. I used to be a very, very small A - I couldn't even fill a size A teen bra.
I heard more than I cared to about it, how small chested I was. I was made fun of. The "Hope Chest" jokes were their favorite. But the, "did you hear about the joke where the girls tits falling off? Oh, I see you already know about that...." I can remember exactly where I was standing in middle school when I felt sickened to my stomach when some kid told me that.
I was told wading in a pool looking over at my crush (I was a YMCA Camp Counselor) that he didn't like me because I didn't have boobs.
Continuous blow to my self esteem.
Children can be cruel. But even as adults, a b/f in my lower 20s told me he wished I could move of my tummy to my chest. I was mortified. Who says such hurtful things? I weighed prolly 120 pounds and I didn't even have a tummy back then, lol. I, of course, realize even in our 20s we are all very immature, but still. Incomprehensible.
It was already so difficult to find things to wear that looked decent or I felt comfy in because I was so small on top. And because I became so self conscious, I always, ALWAYS hid myself with big shirts covering any bathing suit I might actually wear.
But, I didn't really think about the cruel words too much, luckily, after my 20s. My self esteem is through the roof now and even in my mid 40s, I really love how I look (how many woman can say that?).
But it's amazing that some kids ARE bullied so much they want to harm themselves. While the hurtful things were tough and affected my self esteem, it's absolutely NOTHING compared to some of the abuse kids do to others.
I actually feel rather lucky. I can't imagine what some kids go through.
My abuse was a blip on the path of life. Some kids are bullied so much they don't want to live. :(
The shape of my nose was one thing. "Who would ever go out with her, have you seen her nose?" I overheard a girl say about me in elementary school.
I didn't wear dresses and was a Tomboy and many people thought I was a boy, not a girl. It didn't bother me too much - I wasn't a frilly little girl anyway.
My hair was another thing. The neighborhood kids made fun of my hair because I didn't comb it that often during my elementary school years, and it had tangles in it.
As a female, though, it was very detrimental to my self esteem, and caused me to not understand a lot of my decisions growing up, when boys would comment about my chest size. I used to be a very, very small A - I couldn't even fill a size A teen bra.
I heard more than I cared to about it, how small chested I was. I was made fun of. The "Hope Chest" jokes were their favorite. But the, "did you hear about the joke where the girls tits falling off? Oh, I see you already know about that...." I can remember exactly where I was standing in middle school when I felt sickened to my stomach when some kid told me that.
I was told wading in a pool looking over at my crush (I was a YMCA Camp Counselor) that he didn't like me because I didn't have boobs.
Continuous blow to my self esteem.
Children can be cruel. But even as adults, a b/f in my lower 20s told me he wished I could move of my tummy to my chest. I was mortified. Who says such hurtful things? I weighed prolly 120 pounds and I didn't even have a tummy back then, lol. I, of course, realize even in our 20s we are all very immature, but still. Incomprehensible.
It was already so difficult to find things to wear that looked decent or I felt comfy in because I was so small on top. And because I became so self conscious, I always, ALWAYS hid myself with big shirts covering any bathing suit I might actually wear.
But, I didn't really think about the cruel words too much, luckily, after my 20s. My self esteem is through the roof now and even in my mid 40s, I really love how I look (how many woman can say that?).
But it's amazing that some kids ARE bullied so much they want to harm themselves. While the hurtful things were tough and affected my self esteem, it's absolutely NOTHING compared to some of the abuse kids do to others.
I actually feel rather lucky. I can't imagine what some kids go through.
My abuse was a blip on the path of life. Some kids are bullied so much they don't want to live. :(
Monday, June 19, 2017
Accept Your Uniqueness
I had a very eye opening moment with one of my doctors last Fall.
As a matter of fact, it's help me accept my scars or things we may not like about ourselves. What he said had a huge impact on the way I think about things I fretted about myself.
I was trying to express to my doctor I didn't like something on my eyelid; and how much it bothered me.
He chuckled to himself and then looked right at me and said, "Do you see the indention on my nose?"
I said, "no."
He said, "Look again."
My eyes then ventured to the tip of his nose. And sure enough there's a little indention at the end of his nose. As I looked at it longer, it looked as though a small chunk had been cut out.
It was currently staring right me, yet I hadn't seen it the last 4 times I had visited him in his office, lol.
And he shares. "It's funny what people actually see. And what we think people are looking at or not."
It was a huge help for my little scars/imperfections that prolly no one else even notices. As a matter of fact, after his wisdom, I didn't even have my eyelid "worked" on.
As a matter of fact, it reminded me that my scars and imperfections are actually a reflection of who I am, and what makes me very unique :)
As a matter of fact, it's help me accept my scars or things we may not like about ourselves. What he said had a huge impact on the way I think about things I fretted about myself.
I was trying to express to my doctor I didn't like something on my eyelid; and how much it bothered me.
He chuckled to himself and then looked right at me and said, "Do you see the indention on my nose?"
I said, "no."
He said, "Look again."
My eyes then ventured to the tip of his nose. And sure enough there's a little indention at the end of his nose. As I looked at it longer, it looked as though a small chunk had been cut out.
It was currently staring right me, yet I hadn't seen it the last 4 times I had visited him in his office, lol.
And he shares. "It's funny what people actually see. And what we think people are looking at or not."
It was a huge help for my little scars/imperfections that prolly no one else even notices. As a matter of fact, after his wisdom, I didn't even have my eyelid "worked" on.
As a matter of fact, it reminded me that my scars and imperfections are actually a reflection of who I am, and what makes me very unique :)
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Z Bonz Dog Park
My new fave place! Such beautiful surroundings! And hills, great hills for a great, tough walk!
Took Lily today, on Father's Day.
Her and I walked along the trails first, then I took her to the dog park part. It was too humid and she got too tired to care about the dog park after the walk lol.
The hills are amazing here, and it's so pretty and soothing. With the weather getting warmer, gonna have to come without Lily, so I can walk longer, further, explore more of the park. (Sorry Lily!)
Took Lily today, on Father's Day.
Her and I walked along the trails first, then I took her to the dog park part. It was too humid and she got too tired to care about the dog park after the walk lol.
The hills are amazing here, and it's so pretty and soothing. With the weather getting warmer, gonna have to come without Lily, so I can walk longer, further, explore more of the park. (Sorry Lily!)
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Rich Colors
I find it very intriguing how my thoughts about colors have transitioned through my lifetime.
For instance, even as late as my mid 30s, I thought a champagne-colored car was the best looking car out there! I thought it felt and looked and implied a rich look or feel. You know, gold or champagne even implies rich. Now course, I would never buy a champagne-colored car.
I also find it interesting that in my low to mid twenties, I always yearned for dark wood furniture and thought it was the bomb. I thought it had that "rich" look to it.
I think I forked over about $1,000 on my credit card in my late 20s to buy this really pretty, large credenza with lots of shelves and drawers. Yep, all because it was dark cherry. It didn't match one single thing in any room (of course) of my rent house back then in Florida, so I put it in one of the spare bedrooms. I pretty much just used it as a bookshelf, not really what it was probably intended for.
But it was pretty useful and clever as it had lots of nooks and crannies and shelves and drawers. I actually really adored it. Until I noticed all the dust. I didn't even think about how the dark wood would advertise dust so much easier, lol. How would I know? I never owned cherry-wood furniture before in my life.
I noticed my light-colored furniture, you could not see the dust as much. And I didn't have to clean it as often; even though I probably should have, lol. Hey I was young!
In my current house (of a woman in her mid 40s), all my furniture is light-colored. And I'm even transitioning over to white-colored wood furniture when I have the opportunity. Those colors seem to open the house up more, like rays of sunshine. To me, light-colored wood and white colors have a very calming, pretty, open, peaceful "feel" to it. Which is the exact definition of rich to me now. Ironic, huh?
Peace is now my definition of "rich." Not rich with money, but rich in life.
Still, it's pretty interesting how the colors in our lives change as we grow up.
(and yes, I currently own a white car!)
For instance, even as late as my mid 30s, I thought a champagne-colored car was the best looking car out there! I thought it felt and looked and implied a rich look or feel. You know, gold or champagne even implies rich. Now course, I would never buy a champagne-colored car.
I also find it interesting that in my low to mid twenties, I always yearned for dark wood furniture and thought it was the bomb. I thought it had that "rich" look to it.
I think I forked over about $1,000 on my credit card in my late 20s to buy this really pretty, large credenza with lots of shelves and drawers. Yep, all because it was dark cherry. It didn't match one single thing in any room (of course) of my rent house back then in Florida, so I put it in one of the spare bedrooms. I pretty much just used it as a bookshelf, not really what it was probably intended for.
But it was pretty useful and clever as it had lots of nooks and crannies and shelves and drawers. I actually really adored it. Until I noticed all the dust. I didn't even think about how the dark wood would advertise dust so much easier, lol. How would I know? I never owned cherry-wood furniture before in my life.
I noticed my light-colored furniture, you could not see the dust as much. And I didn't have to clean it as often; even though I probably should have, lol. Hey I was young!
In my current house (of a woman in her mid 40s), all my furniture is light-colored. And I'm even transitioning over to white-colored wood furniture when I have the opportunity. Those colors seem to open the house up more, like rays of sunshine. To me, light-colored wood and white colors have a very calming, pretty, open, peaceful "feel" to it. Which is the exact definition of rich to me now. Ironic, huh?
Peace is now my definition of "rich." Not rich with money, but rich in life.
Still, it's pretty interesting how the colors in our lives change as we grow up.
(and yes, I currently own a white car!)
Monday, June 12, 2017
Eagle Mountain State Park
Unfortunately dogs not allowed, but I really wanted to be challenged on Sunday. And this location (Eagle Mountain State Park, north of Fort Worth, Texas) is really a bitch to hike lol. It's also a really great and beautiful scenic hike, tho, too. Been here only 2-3 times I think.
I saw some deer this time! SO awesome! They barely ran away, it was really cool.
Every person, couple, or family that I walked past I would say, "Good morning!" That's about 40 hello's! Only 2 people didn't reply - peckers, lol. Let's hope they were listening to music and just didn't hear me. :)
I walked almost 2 1/2 hours - yes, got some blisters on my feet lol. Very well worth it! May go back this weekend because it's so tough on me, yet beautiful.
I saw some deer this time! SO awesome! They barely ran away, it was really cool.
Every person, couple, or family that I walked past I would say, "Good morning!" That's about 40 hello's! Only 2 people didn't reply - peckers, lol. Let's hope they were listening to music and just didn't hear me. :)
I walked almost 2 1/2 hours - yes, got some blisters on my feet lol. Very well worth it! May go back this weekend because it's so tough on me, yet beautiful.
Pecan Valley Park
Took Lily to Art Cowsen Trailhead (at Pecan Valley Park) in Fort Worth, Texas on Saturday.
We had been here before, but this time stayed more on the paved path than checking out all the trails into the woods.
Still really like this location. Bikers have plenty of room and lots for Lily and I to see and enjoy the outdoors!
Even saw some beautiful horses this time. :)
We had been here before, but this time stayed more on the paved path than checking out all the trails into the woods.
Still really like this location. Bikers have plenty of room and lots for Lily and I to see and enjoy the outdoors!
Even saw some beautiful horses this time. :)
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Valley of Fire State Park, Nevada
Had sooooo much fun yesterday hiking and exploring with my girlfriend Robin in Nevada!! Memory making day :) Even saw prehistoric petroglyphs. So cool!
Robin and I decided every time I come to Vegas we will visit an outdoor spot to hike and explore and learn.
There seems to be a ton of cool locations around Vegas. I'm excited about our new plans to get around nature. Her and I both really LOVE the outdoors.
(Click collage photo to enlarge)
And here's my friend Robin, getting some shade:
Robin and I decided every time I come to Vegas we will visit an outdoor spot to hike and explore and learn.
There seems to be a ton of cool locations around Vegas. I'm excited about our new plans to get around nature. Her and I both really LOVE the outdoors.
(Click collage photo to enlarge)
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