A Therapists Prescription for Better Mental Health

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From a link I came across..... A Therapists Prescription for Better Mental Health:

1. Treat yourself with kindness.
2. Say “no” when you need to.
3. Step out of your comfort zone.
4. Don’t compare yourself to others.
5. Embrace your mistakes, they don’t define you.
6. Be truly present.
7. Get outside.
8. Cut yourself some slack.
9. Make rest a priority.
10. Make fun a priority, too.
11. Savor good memories.
12. Make new friends.
13. Laugh often.
14. Create something.
15. Anticipate joy.
16. Appreciate what you have.
17. Learn from your mistakes.
18. Write down your successes.
19. Clear out physical and emotional clutter.
20. Move your body more.
21. Pursue a hobby.
22. Put your phone down and connect with the people you’re with.
23. Confide in trustworthy people.
24. Treat your mental health with the same importance as your physical health.
25. Slow down.
26. Ask for help when you need it.
27. You don’t have to do it all; Prioritize what matters most.

And remember, strive for  progress, not perfection. 

That's It?

I was talking to a friend of mine back in early March, and I had mentioned that since I started and now run the Omega Billiards Tour, that it kind of saved me: It gave me a sense of purpose.  Whereas the last 4 years I didn't really have a purpose or felt like I had one.  When I took care of my Mom the last 4 years of her life, I had MAJOR purpose.  After she passed, I didn't have any purpose anymore.

When you don't have a purpose in life, you walk aimlessly on earth.  You have no direction and therefore no spark of life, no desire to live, and no need to live. 

It wasn't something easy to share with him because it kind of exposed just what a deep and dark time I had been going through the last 4-5 years.

It's funny because when I said that I was pretty proud of myself (pumps fits on chest) because I really had come such a long way.

And after I told him proudly the Omega Tour gave me purpose, he looked at me and said, “that's it?”

It's really weird to be excited about something so important (esp such as this) and then someone kind of downplays it.

You see, I was barely surviving.  I didn’t even feel like living at times.  So to me, having a purpose again in life was a good thing.  Yet, in his eyes, “that's really all you're doing?  That's really all you're doing that's giving you purpose?"

Um, YES.  That was huge for me to be living again!  To FEEL like living again.   And running the Tour gave me that feeling after such a long time of being depressed and grieving.

After that exchange I got to thinking... he's right!  I should be doing more.  I should be helping more.  Being more productive; more helpful; being there for others; doing more for others; doing more for me.

So I thought of all these ideas of things that I've always wanted to do, things that were in the cobwebs of the back of my mind…. but didn't have the desire or commitment or even the energy to do them when I took my “hiatus from living.”  They were pushed back into the depths of my virtual “maybe to-do” list of things that maybe I thought I wanted to do.

I think that a lot of times we just go through life and don't think about what we want or what we want to do.

And I think that when we are grieving and extremely depressed (or clinically depressed), the last thing we feel like doing or have the energy to do is the things on our virtual, internal to-do-list.

And after taking 4-5 years from truly living, when you start to live again, you start to see things in a different light/way.

And while I'm still struggling to survive on some days still, I do want to give back to others and do more.

What are some of these things on my list?

Here's a short little list of things I’m been passionate about and recently started since "that's it?" :

• Giving pool lessons (already started) 
• Taking on a more active role in the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care (I’m a board member)
• Donating more (already started)
• Being involved in the volunteer program at my work building (looking into it just this week)
• Get back into mediation (already started) 

Down the road:

• Public Speaking for End-of-Life-Care 
• Take some self-help classes

It’s crazy how a simple comment from someone can make such a profound effect on one’s life.

Toughest and Most Painful - Letting Others Know of a Death

I have been through a lot in my life.  Things I've shared in this blog, things I haven't yet had the heart or guts to share, but I can say of all the tough things I have been through, the most painful ones are when I had to notify a family member that a relative of theirs passed away.

After my Dad passed, I sat in the same kitchen I grew up learning how to cook in as a child, with my Mom by my side.  We held hands as I made the brutal calls to my Dad's brothers and sisters to tell them their brother, Thomas Bailey, had passed away that morning at the house unexpectedly.

My Dad, Thomas Bailey, and I

I can still recall how difficult those calls were to make, and how excruciating it was to hear their reactions on the other end of the phone.  Lots of crying out loud, shock, yelps, etc.  Tough giving such horrible news.

I was blessed that one of my Aunt's took over notifying some of the other family members for me.  She's been a life saver throughout my life.

The other extremely difficult and similar painful time, was when I had to tell my Mom that her sister had passed away.

It was seriously one of the most difficult things in my life to do.

My Mom had been in a nursing home for rehabilitation and her sister, who lived in another state, but who was her only living relative left (well, besides me), had passed away from a long battle of cancer just the very night before my Mom was going to finally be discharged.  She was all excited about coming home!  Yet I was in such turmoil.  Do I tell her her sister passed away the morning she was leaving the nursing home, wait til we got home, wait a few days?  

I was a MESS!  How do I tell her this??   What do I do and how do I do it?  All the while going through my own emotions of learning my Aunt had just passed.

I talked to a friend of mine who told me her one regret was not telling her kids right away about their Dads passing.  They were very angry with her for waiting.

I soaked in that advice and knew I couldn't delay the painful words too long.  I decided to tell her as soon as she got home.  No timing would be good anyway, right?

I was an emotional wreck.  It was possible my Mom would have a set back, amidst all my other worries of telling her the dreadful news about her sister.

As I get my Mom and all her things acquired from her room into the car, she says, "I tried to call Gail.  I left her a message, she didn't answer.  Can't wait to tell her I'm free!"

I'm just as white as a ghost trying not to talk.

I get her home and my Uncle calls me, "I just got a real long message from your Mom.  Guess you haven't told her yet."  I struggled speaking, "I will tell her in a minute - only answer if she calls your phone, not Gail's.  That will be the sign she knows."

My Uncle really needed to hear from my Mom.  So, it was two-fold:  needed to tell my Mom right away because she deserved to know and also because my Uncle needed to talk to someone who knew Aunt Gail well.  He was grieving deeply.

My Aunt Gail

My Mom got situated and literally it was about 15 minutes she was home..... and
I sat down at the edge of her bed and I said, "Mom, I have to tell you something."  She could see the seriousness in my face and hear it in my voice.  She immediately guesses with shock and in tears, crying at me, "Are you taking me back?!?!  You don't want me!?"

"No, Mom......"  and then I shared the horrible news.

Again, it was one of the most painful things I've ever been through.  Hearing the news is one thing, but having to tell loved ones is on a whole 'nother level.

My Mom yelp and cried and moaned out loud in shock.  "I just called her!"

"I know, Mom.  Let's call Uncle Ray now - he needs you.  You need him."

How My Mother Saw Me

I didn't really understand the depth of love my Mom had for me until after she passed away.  Because I do not have kids of my own, I guessing that is the main reason I didn't really truly understand the extremely deep love a parent has for their child?

I think we see what is right in front of us:  that we are the child of a parent; and that we have a parent.  We don't really see the emotions connected to that.  We see our parents for who they are, our mother or our father.  As we walk through our daily paths of life, we don't really think about how much they love us.  Instead, we run errands or do the dishes - physical things on this earth.

Even if they tried to explain the true deepness of love they have for us, we really wouldn't completely comprehend it.  Yes, we love them beyond words, but in reality, their love for us is a thousand times more.

I'm not exactly sure if I can pinpoint the moment I realized just how important I was to my Mom.  All I know is I realized it too late - after she passed away.  I don't know if it's because the loss I felt for her was so paralyzing and I realized that was because how much I loved her.  But for some reason it hit me after she passed how much she really, truly, and deeply cared for me and loved me.

Honestly, a connection like none other.

As a caretaker of my Mom, I would come home from work and take care of things I needed to do to take care of my Mom.  I wish I would have known how much she loved me and how much she cared for me.  I'm not saying she didn't say it, what I am saying is I didn't understand it.

But I wish I would have known.  I wish I would have felt what I feel now or what I know now, so instead of coming home and being tired with "things to do," I would come rushing in through the door and give her a HUGE, tight hug every single day I came home.  To show acknowledgment of our love for each other.  I was the most important person in her life; and vice versa.  Yet, as I knew that back then, still didn't completely resonate.

I think we just go through the motions of our day and not really understand the depth of the connections of the people around us.  And it's really true that we don't understand that until they're gone.

"When we truly love, it is never lost.  It is only after death that the depth of the bond is truly felt, and our loved one
becomes more a part of us than was possible in life."

Desire to Write Changes with Time

When I was in high school and college, I actually wrote a little poetry.  I noticed back then that when I was unhappy or depressed, I wrote my best pieces.  And I felt like writing. 

I'd have to go searching in the cobwebs of old papers to see if I could even find any of those poems or my writings.  They weren't very extravagant or anything, but it'd be cool to maybe find a couple and see what I said back then or what was on my mind. 

What I've noticed as I've gotten older, especially now that I blog a lot, is I can't write when I'm depressed.  If I'm in a great or happy mood, I feel like writing and writing, and going and going.  But when I'm depressed or unhappy, the last thing I feel like doing is writing.  Those are the days I might just post a photo or a image/quote and not add too many words in my blogs because one of the last things I want to do is write during sad times. 

Weird how when I was younger depression gave me inspiration.  But now, depression kind of paralyzes is me. 

Music Through the Ages

I wonder why when I hear a song from the 80s and 90s, I can imagine where I was in my life, but not who I was with.  But in my 30s and 40s, certain songs bring up memories / feelings of the boyfriend I was with at the time.

In my teens and 20s, I can recall if I was in college, high school, living in Florida, or certain cities in Texas, etc.  But when the songs are played on the radio, I don't think of boyfriends from back then.

But in my 30s and 40s, when I hear certain songs, I don't think of where I was in my life, but who had my heart.

I wonder why I can't recall that from the teens and 20s?

Was it because back then I wasn't as close to my boyfriends?  Or because we didn't have a song that resonated with our "romance"?  Or because as we get older relationships mean more and therefore as a normal consequence so do certain songs we associate with our boyfriend/girlfriend at the time?

Or, when we are young we don't hear the words in songs?  lol

Maybe our emotional connections change with time. I can say that it seems like relationships in my 30s and 40s were def more intense feeling-wise with certain guys and more meaningful.  I had a boyfriend for 5 1/2 years in my late 20s, but I can't recall one song from back then that would remind me of him, like certain songs in the last 10-15 years can about other guys.

Further, I was with one of my ex's for 7 years in my 30s, only one song (when I hear it) reminds me of him, and that song was only from the beginning our relationship.

That leads me to wonder - do long-lasting relationships over years and years, do they have more than one song that when it's played they think of their loved one?  Or is it only in the beginning stages of relationships does our brain pin songs to?

Weird.

Young at Heart

The other day a friend of mine and I were talking about how no matter what age we are or how old we get, we have the same feelings that we had when we were in our 20s, 30s, or sometimes even our teens.

And this is either with friendships or romantic relationships, or our attachment to things (work issue, pets, etc).  Any type of emotional connection that touches our heart.

I was sharing with her how it was surprising that no matter how many years go by, even decades even, that I still have the same thoughts and emotions that I did when I was in my 20s, especially when it comes to relationships. You would think that as we mature and age that we wouldn't have these crazy insecure female-type thoughts anymore, but in reality we still do.  I'm kind of like a twenty-year-old in a 40 year old body, lol.  My body has aged, but my feelings and emotions remain the same.

The same thing can be said for when we start a new relationship or when one ends.  No matter what age we are at the beginning of a relationship, it's always wonderful and amazing, and the end of it always hurts and is painful.  It doesn't matter how old you are or how young you are - your emotions and connections remains just as intense.

A friend of mine in his mid 60s recently met a new girl and he said he felt like they were teenagers starting out on this new venture in their lives together!  He was so giddy and happy.  After only a few weeks, it had dissolved, though.  He was so heartbroken, he could barely function after the heartache of them breaking up. 

Another of my friends in her mid 50s recently went through a break up and she was very hurt as well after she got rejected.

The good thing though, is how we react to situations gets better as we age and mature.  THAT is cool, for sure.  It's nice to be able to react so much more adult-like to situations, than like a spoiled, 25-year old nagging, hurt, insecure girlfriend (or boyfriend).

My friend in her 50s handle the rejection with poise and I dare say, "honor."  While she was hurting on the inside, she handled it much better than her 25-year-old self would have 30 years ago she confided.

So while in my 20s and 30s I might have reacted like a crappy girlfriend to guys back then because I let my emotions take over, I recognize now and enjoy that I'm more patient and so much more understanding.  Sure, I still have crazy, stupid thoughts, but I just try not to expose them now and instead keep them internal, where when I was younger I would spew them outward. I see things and consciously handle things outward in a much better way than when I was immature and naive.  Thank goodness, too!  Not just for my friends and my boyfriends, but also for MYSELF. 
 

  

She Lived a Great Life

For the longest time I swapped sad stories about my Mom and her passing.  If I shared she passed, the convo wasn't an up-beat discussion but me sharing my depression and grief.  I wrote about this before, I know, but I wanted to share a little gem that relates to that.

I was sitting at a poker table one fine afternoon and because it was a new table, several of the players knew each other because they signed up at the same time.  Turns out it was a mother, daughter, son, and family friend.

As we all sat for a while, eventually convo starts up and the mother shares that her Mom had just recently passed away a few months ago.  I replied with my, "I am so sorry" in a certain tone that only those who have lost someone recognize it's the tone of understanding and "I've been through that too,"

Her response completely took me off guard.  After only a few months, she was still kinda in a good frame of mind and mood, and she didn't seem distraught like I was, and it had been 3 years for me since my Mom passed!

She whisked me right under her leadership wing with her words and shared, "oh, Honey, she lived a great life," not skipping a beat to let me know all was okay and that her passing wasn't an impediment in her life.

Turns out she passed away in her 90s and had a big family and didn't pass away from trauma.

I reflect on that moment, even to this day, and that was over a year ago she shared those kind, inspiring words about her Mom.  Why can't I speak like that?

I do admit that my grief has lifted and I can now talk about my Mom with a gleam in my eyes (instead of tears and frowns), but if I could have done that during the 3-4 years after her passing, maybe that would have helped me heal faster....?