Learning Lesson From Doing the Dishes

I remember quite vividly in my 30s I proudly said out loud to my Mom while I was cooking one day how I was glad Dad taught me how to cook hamburger meat quickly.

Her response was the opposite of my proud exclamation.  She responded with disdain and being miffed, "Your Dad never taught me that."

As I stood there baffled at her words coming at me, it was a moment in my life that taught me quite a bit.  Not about how to cook hamburger meat, but about learning.  And what we learn as a child, or to be exact, how we learn in general.  Also, that my Mom took what I said completely personal.

My Dad never once said to me as he was cooking one day when I was a child, "here, after you put the cold and raw hamburger meat in this pot on the stove, you then cover the pan with a tight lid.  You check it pretty soon after, and turn it over to get the other side brown so it gets an even cooking on both sides.  Then, after a little bit more time, you stir the hamburger meat so it all gets cooked pretty evenly.  The lid on top helps cook the hamburger meat so much faster than without a lid."

No, not what happened AT ALL.

As a kid, I just saw my Dad cook hamburger meat in a pot with a lid and noticed how fast it cooked the meat.

Yet my Mom stood there defiant, hurt, and upset she wasn't taught something, anything, by my Dad.  But, I bet she had - she just didn't realize it.  And it hurt my heart to realize I might have hurt her feelings; that she may think I didn't learn things from her, too.

I then shared this story with my Mom, to try and express that what I saw as a child from her was also learning from her.  How I learned through not direct explanations and teachings, but from non verbal words from her too:

My Mom and I used to go to the hill country about every other weekend when we could (sometimes more often).  While I'm packing the dang car, trying to get the dog in the car, rushing through the house seeing what else we forget, there's my Mom, DOING THE DISHES.

Even as I type this I have this clear picture of her washing all the dishes that were in the sink and putting them all on a towel.

She must have done that a thousand times.

I never once asked her why she was washing the dishes or why she would sometimes make us late leaving because she was washing the dang dishes, it was just something she did, something I noticed, and was part of the routine before we ever went out of town.

When we came back home from each trip exhausted from a FUN-FILLED weekend, there were never dirty dishes laying around, or food stuck to them with flies flying around (remember, I grew up poor), or even any house chores to do.  We came home to a clean kitchen!

Did she tell me why she stood there doing that?  Did she explain in detail to me how I needed to learn to do this?  No, of course not.  But guess what?  I wash my dishes before every trip now, too!  I have my whole life since the day I stepped into my own place.

So, I learned from you too, Mom.  Not with specific explanations or detailed reasons, but by watching, learning, and emulating.

Moods and Talking to Others

I am the typical person who, when not in a good mood, wont go out of their way to speak to anyone either I don't know or don't like.

When I'm in a happy or good mood, I will actually LOOK at the unknown person in the elevator at work and if I (for example) like the lady's shirt or dress, I will say something.  Or, if I'm in a decent mood I will actually look up and say hi or good morning /first/ as someone walks into the elevator.

Flash back the last 4-5 years and I would barely even lift my head up to make eye contact or definitely wouldn't smile or initiate a convo.  Because I was so miserable, I didn't want to engage with anyone.  Just with most signals of depression, I just wanted to be left alone.

I run a sports tour and I had to step out of my depression comfort zone and smile to the players and be nice to everyone, even though inside I would rather crawl under the table and not talk to anyone.  But, I had a job to do and was in charge of about 100 people and couldn't just walk around like an unfriendly, non-smiling zombie while trying to run the business.

Now that I'm in an exceptionally good mood lately, I notice I am even talking to people at work I don't really like.  Yikes!  lol.

The last 4-5 years I just kept my head down while walking down the hall, now I want to say hello or good morning first.  And even to the people I always avoided, I crack a smile to and say my friendlies.

While I know I should have always been that way anyway, it's super tough to get out of bed to come to work, much less speak to people that annoy us.  And I actually do feel bad I was a miserable self of a person to be around for so long.  I should have seeked counseling, actually.  Wasn't really fair to my friends and coworkers to be around someone who looked like they hated life and living.

I am so thankful right now for finally being in a happy spot in my life.  A few of my friends have noticed it (or read here in my blog) and are so genuinely happy for me to see me out of my gloom state that I was in for so long.

No one can control grief.  No one can be forced out of depression.  Just one day you wake up and the sun is brighter than it had been in a long time.  And you finally want to get out of bed.  Want to talk to people.  Want to do things that are good for your soul and mind.

Until that sun rises high for us, we just slink away from everyone.

So, it's nice to finally feel "alive" again.  Missed the old me! 

Character Quote

Love this.  Really do.

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."

-Frank Outlaw

Different Take on Dates and Death

I wrote a while back that one of the most important lessons I learned from death was that the loved ones left on earth are hit harder not on birthdays of their passed loved ones, but their deathversary.

Of course, this is all a matter of perspective.  If the person who passed wasn't close to you or you were not deeply impacted by their passing, then their deathversary isn't a tough day for you.

However, when I learned a few years ago that deathversaries are tougher than birthdays, then I started to take note of those dates.  So, instead of contacting my Uncle Ray on the birthday of my Aunt Gail, I instead send him a note on the day she passed away.

I also pay attention to conversations from my friends.  If they mention a deathversary date, I make note of the date so I can be sure to send them a text the morning of that day to let them know they are being thought of on their tough day.  Or, if I see on Facebook that a friend mentions, "today two years ago my Dad passed and I miss him every single day."  I'll then note the date in my calendar so the next year I can send them a friendly, comforting message on that day.

A huge part of my character is helping others so this newly found avenue to console others was right down my alley.  Further, it wasn't a normal kinda of solace/help, which is also something I lean toward.  I CAN do normal, helpful things for others, but I like to do unusual, uncommon, and more thoughtful, out-of-the-box things.

So, imagine my surprise when I'm asking a friend at work if I should contact an ex who lost his son a year ago that day.

Her response and forthcoming story really made me realize that, just as in most everything in life, you can't treat everyone the same.  You must know their personalities to be able to help best.

She shared with me that her new husband had lost his son from health problems when he was just 3 years old.  This was over 30 years ago.  She said a friend of his calls him every single year on the deathversary of losing the child, and sends his condolences.  As she's telling me this story, I'm thinking that is really thoughtful, until she shares, "my husband really hates being reminded of that day and wishes the guy would stop calling him on that day every year."

I stood looking at her in awe hearing a completely different side to comforting people about their loved ones on deathversaries.

While the friends gesture is nice, it wasn't well received.

So, as I walked away from her and the lingering story and her suggestion to not call my ex, it made me really realize that not everyone will want that comforting message on a deathversary.  Some will welcome it, yearn for it, would love to know their loved one is thought of (and themselves) on such a tough day, but others may wish to not think of the pain of that day.

So, instead of assuming one would love to receive a little note, text, message from me on a painful day, I'm going to see how they refer to their loved one.  I'm going to pay more attention to if they are still heartbroken or not.  Are they still grieving?  Are they constantly bringing them up?  Those are the friends who would love comforting words on a tough day.  For those that aren't showing indications of mourning or talking openingly on FB about their loved one still, and it seems they have moved on and aren't feeling so much loss/grief anymore, I wont send them a reminder of such a painful day.

Who You Can Count On

I had been upset for quite awhile last year about how I have no one I can depend on.

Everyone points out I have a lot of great friends who love me, and while that's true, I've also been bit by just enough friends to realize it's difficult to trust anyone at all anymore.

Well, "trust" is a tough word, but what I really, really mean is, "depend on."

And I really don't blame them.  Everyone has their own life to live and can't possibly be there for me when I need help, comfort, or support (whether emotional, physical, to share great news with, reliable, dependable, comforting, whatever type of connection). 

But, I found some major solace late last spring when I realized something that should have been obvious:  I ALWAYS have myself that I can depend on.  And God, too.

Like that new song, /Me Myself and I/ says:

Oh, it's just me, myself and I
....
Cause I got me for life
....

So, it's nice to finally realize that without any relatives alive, no dependable friends who live close by, and disappointing ex's who claimed they would be there for me, that I now have the most amazing, comforting feeling because I'm very aware that I know I can always count on myself.  I truly am the most dependable person I know for myself!

Sure, I still need rides to certain doc appointments, or help around the house when I can't move a big piece of furniture on my own, or need my neighbor at times to let my dog out, but overall, I truly can depend on myself for a comforting thought, reassuring voice, and to get things done.  I've been through so much in my life and survived (albeit barely sometimes, lol) this far, that I will be okay depending on 'ole reliable:  ME.

Eagle Mountain Park

Found this GEM last year and LOVED it!

Eagle Mountain Park

I learned my lesson to arrive early, instead of the hot afternoon sun in the middle of Summer, lol.  While I can walk for hours in the sun, little did I know the first time this is more of hiking than walking.  SO COOL!

Even get to see Eagle Mountain Lake if you venture far enough on the trails.  Awesome scenery.  Too bad dogs aren't allowed :(

 

 

 

How Are You Doing?

For the last 4-5 years, I hated being asked, "How are you doing?" 

Worse is, "How were your holidays?"

I discussed this with someone during the holidays and we agreed I should reply, "the holidays are almost over with."  Instead of going into my long spiel of death of loved ones, dealing with chaos, and why the holidays SUCK.

Now that the holidays ARE over with, and also the tough month of February gone, AND mostly because I really am doing better in general, I can easily answer people with, "the holidays are over with, so I'm doing good!"  Or, "I'm doing wonderful."

Seems like it's been SO long since i've answered anyone that I am doing well, or wonderful, or good, or great. 

Now, I'm proud to be able to say the positive adjectives!  Where as before I was scared of the question.

I'm just glad to be moving on and away from the depression that has haunted me for so long.

Feels weird to be smiling lately too.

But, the fog has lifted.  Working on many things in my life.  Feels good.

Finally getting sleep, too, which has been eluding me for years and years.  When I was taking care of my Mom the last 4 years of her life, I recall her always worrying about me not sleeping.  And then I didn't sleep the last 4 years after her death.  To be sleeping finally is very unusual but I sure am embracing it, and hope it lasts. 

So, how am I doing? 

Wonderful!

(finally)

Start Living Life (quote)

Saw this quote the other day. 

Love it. 

And what a great reminder for peeps who are going through things, that while it takes time, at some point from grieving, pain, and loss, that it's ok to eventually start living again: 

She was going to stop mourning the life she didn’t have and celebrate the one she did.

Thank You Letters as a Child

My Mom was a huge advocate of teaching me to say "Thank you."

Eventually I was old enough to send actual thank you letters.

"Okay Melinda, Write your grandmother's thank you cards" she would nudge me softly.

After I did though, I got yelled at and my Mom got on to me.

"You have to rewrite those!"

I was confused and used my high pitched kid voice to ask, "But why?  I said thank you! "

She explained, "you wrote `Thanks for the stuff!`  You were not specific at all. That's actually rude, Melinda."

Oh the amazing wondering things I learned from her!

I actually still write thank you letters and send cards.  All because of my lovely Mom.