Letting Go of Toxic People

I have alluded to the fact that I have been trying to find peace.  The main reason for that is because I was in a toxic relationship for FAR too long.  But, I didn't know it until it was finally completely done with.

Once I was finally ridden of this person in my life, my entire being got better.  I got more sleep.  I was happier.  I didn't cry anymore.  I wasn't stressed.  Even my memory got better (because I was under so much stress from this toxic person).  I was more productive at work.  I cared more about my health.  I had more time to do things for me (whereas before everything revolved around how I was suppose to react towards him).

It's literally freeing!

So, been trying to do things that bring me peace.  Because I didn't have peace and comfort for over a year and a half.

Toxic people make you think you are loved, but in reality, it's a game to them.  They use you, abuse you mentally, break you down, then lift you up.  Make you believe things that aren't even true.

I've cried so much it sucks.  Then he'd say magical things to make me "believe" again.

The true definition of toxic.

And I am SO much happier away from it!

I am disappointed in myself for not seeing what was going on though.  But I admit I was lied to and my heart and mind were played with.

I honestly pray that this person doesn't play these games intentionally.  That would be so sad if it was all intentional.

But, not my problem anymore!

Happier times now.  Peaceful times.  No Crying.  No roller-coaster of emotions on almost a daily basis for months on end.

PEACEFUL feels SO good!  So amazing.

Let go of toxic people in your life!  You will be so much happier.  You will see so many parts of your life get better once they are out of your life.  Trust me.

Many of us have no idea we are in a toxic relationship until we finally get the hell out of 'em.  We suffer and suffer and don't know why we are mostly depressed and hurting, until we finally break free from the chaos.

The toxic person is like an anchor trying to drown us.  They let us up for air and give us hope and some happiness every once in a while, and we can see the sun and shimmer of happiness again with them, but then they just pull the anchor back down into the deep and darkness while we suffocate in life.  Let go of the anchor completely and rise to the top so you can breathe good and free again every single day.  Do it for yourself.  You deserve it.

Here are more details about that toxic relationship I was in.  I am ashamed I didn't realize I was being verbally abused.

It's actually very difficult to write this out and admit, but I was in a relationship where I was verbally abused.

What's crazy is, I didn't even recognize it at the time.

All I saw was an upset b/f who would be mean to me, break up with me, then try and get back with me within days.  He would worm his way back into my life with sweet words and failed promises.

And this back and forth chaos happened over the span of a year and a half.

Months after I FINALLY stopped talking to him and blocked all the avenues he could reach me, I happened to share with a friend the things my ex would say to me, and about the relationship in general.

And he replies, "How could you keep going back to him all those times after he was so mean and rude to you?"

As a mature, smart woman, I all of a sudden wondered that myself right at that moment, for the very first time.

I, then, at that moment, knew I had been verbally abused and didn't even realize it.  :(

It reminded me of ALL those stories we have heard our whole life of a woman being physically abused who keeps going back.  I was that woman, too, but it was verbal and emotional abuse.

I have kept all of his mean texts and crappy voice mails.  He would tell me lovingly in a soft voice, "Let's forget about that.  Let's move on.  Delete them.  I'm not upset anymore.  That was in the past.  I'm not that way anymore.  Just get rid of them."

But I saved them all.

And within just a couple of weeks (or less) after being nice again, he would get upset and then he would lay into me again.

Bottom line - he would be the sweetest guy in the world, but when he would let his thoughts consume him, he would lash out at me and be mean.  Then a couple of days later or a few days later, he would call or text after he was feeling better and say how much he was sorry and loved me and wanted me back.  I fell for it hook, line, and sinker because he was a very good manipulator (and a narcissist).

Here are some examples of the mean things (that I can share) that he said to me:

• You are the biggest whore in the world
• Good luck at 50
• You are a slut
• You''ll never find a good man like me
• I know you are seeing someone
• You are no good.

Etc etc.

I never once cheated on him.  I thought I was in love with him and that isn't even in me to see or talk to anyone else while in love.  Unfathomable, really.  So I was very confused by his continual accusations.  And that led to being scared to do or say anything, in fear to upset him.

Over and over again for a year and a half I would hear his words of hate, and yet then still take him back again because he would be all sweet and try to convince me to give him another chance.   I was convinced I was in love and that he loved me.  He talked about marriage and our future.

He was a smart manipulator.

At one point during that year and half of chaos, I caught him talking to numerous other girls, so I broke up with him (I thought for good).  But he had an excuse for it all and after 4 months, it was like my brain forgot, and actually took him back because of his sweet words and fake promises of our future together. 

I believed him; like a stupid fool.  And then the verbal abuse would return, and I kept putting up with it.   It was an extremely vicious, cruel cycle that I found myself in.  And it was extremely difficult get away from because he was so convincing.

And honestly, if someone loves you so deeply, how can they treat another so badly?

He would tell me often he needed to work on things, but then ease his way back into my life, be nice, then be mean again.

It's all the typical signs of abuse if you look up the stats:  

Here are just some of signs I read about, that you are being verbally abused:

1. You feel worse after disagreements
2. He calls your ex "crazy" for her allegations
3. You don't feel free to spend time with people and pursuits you love
4. Sometimes you feel you are dating Dr. Jekyll and My. Hyde
5. He says that he'll kill himself or you or the pet if you leave
6. They accuse you of cheating
7. They are jealous all the time
8. Calls you names
9. Intimidating you
10. Demeaning
11. Excessive Texting 
12. Control where you can go or what you can do

I can say he NEVER did number 5.

But boy, did I feel like I was dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde!  A LOT.

And everything I did, if I ever went out, I was scared he would take it wrong.  If I didn't answer the phone he'd FREAK out.  And then leave crappy messages or never answer when I would call back.  I had to check in a lot - what I was doing and where I was going - because he never believed me for some reason and I was very scared he would lash out at me.

I could not use my phone in front of him because he always thought I was texting other guys. 

(I'm getting upset as I type this!)

I am not sure why I put up with it all except I believed him when he said he would never be mean to me again, and I thought I really did love him.  Or that he loved me and "we belonged together - how could we not, we are perfect for each other," he would gush as I wiped away my tears.

I am ashamed I let him treat me this way.

It's funny how at times during the relationship I thought it was truly amazing.  Complete bliss, almost.  To only realize most of the time I was depressed and upset because of the verbal abuse and chaos of the Dr. Jekyll and My Hyde personality I was trying to cope with. 

I was very very stressed and it even caused memory issues.  As soon as we stopped talking, my memory issues magically disappeared..

I realize now that he is a narcissist. But that doesn't take away from the fact I let someone be mean to me for so long because I was blind.  That's hard to swallow.   I know I am much better without him and I am thankful I am away from him for good.  But still ashamed and disappointed I could let someone be so mean to me for so long and I kept going back to his lies.

 

5 Things Real-Life Psychopaths Do:  ARTICLE LINK HERE.

Excerpts:

1.  They're extremely charming.

2.  They don't experience any remorse.

3.  They're really arrogant.

4.  They take big risks.

5.  They're master manipulators.

Liars

Sun and the Moon - Personal Remembrances

My Mom LOVED the sun.  I would consider her a sun-worshiper (a big tanner) when I was growing up.

She would be tanned and tan all the time at the Frio River where her and I went for over 15 years at LEAST once a month when I was growing up.

So, when I see the sun or a sunset,  I think of my Mom.  My dear, amazing loving Mom.

When I was in my lower teens, my Dad and I used to look at the stars at night near the Frio River.  He would point out satellites slowly moving across the darkness, or the designs of the stars.

Therefore, when I drive home at night, or step outside to look at the moon, I talk to my Dad.  "Thank you for watching over me, Dad," I'll say out loud to him.

I love how the sun reminds me of my Mom and the moon reminds me of my Dad.  I feel SO protected at night when I see the moon.  I smile to myself knowing he's watching over me and protecting me.

And when I walk in the hotness of the day or lay out getting a tan, there's my Mom, right along with me.

I love and miss them both so much.

Steve Jobs - What Does Money Bring You?

Steve jobs’ Last Words -

I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world.

In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success.

However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.

At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

In the darkness, I look at the green lights from the life supporting machines and hear the humming mechanical sounds, I can feel the breath of god of death drawing closer…

Now I know, when we have accumulated sufficient wealth to last our lifetime, we should pursue other matters that are unrelated to wealth…

Should be something that is more important:

Perhaps relationships, perhaps art, perhaps a dream from younger days ...

Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being, just like me.

God gave us the senses to let us feel the love in everyone’s heart, not the illusions brought about by wealth.

The wealth I have won in my life I cannot bring with me.

What I can bring is only the memories precipitated by love.

That’s the true riches which will follow you, accompany you, giving you strength and light to go on.

Love can travel a thousand miles. Life has no limit. Go where you want to go. Reach the height you want to reach. It is all in your heart and in your hands.

What is the most expensive bed in the world? - "Sick bed" …

You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.

Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – "Life".

When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – "Book of Healthy Life".

Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends...
Treat yourself well. Cherish others.

(Repost from Damien D Hustle Bryant)

PEACE

What About MY Ashes?

My Mom had a wish for her ashes.  For me to spread them across the Frio River in the Texas Hill Country.

She wanted a Viking Funeral, she always would joke to me.

I did that for her Sept of 2012.  One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was spread her ashes.

Here's me holding her ashes as I got in the car to make the trip.

 

Makes me burst into tears seeing these photos, honestly.

Recently, I visited the Frio River in May and had a GREAT time visiting my childhood weekend home.

I then found out a friend of mine, Tammy Gregory, said that she knows of the Frio River also and that she and some friends even threw her cousins' ashes in the Frio.  I was SHOCKED she had done this, also!

A couple of weeks later, I had an epiphany.

I sent her a message and asked her if she would do me a favor.  When I pass away, could she please take my ashes to the Frio River and spread them there so I can be with my Mom (man it's tough to write this and not cry!).

She said she was "beyond honored"  I asked her and honestly, *I* am the one who is deeply honored.  I can't even being to express how much this means to me.

You see, it's just me in my life (no family, no roommate, no bf/ etc), so this REALLY means a lot that I can depend on someone to ensure that I am with my Mom.  (more tears)

Because Tammy and I have a connection with the Frio River being in our past, and Tammy lives life to the fullest, it means a lot she would do this for me.

I am so honestly moved beyond words can even remotely describe.

Thank you, Tammy!

Heaven, for Real?

We've all heard how some people who have passed away and then came back to life say they saw "a light" or "the light."  And that Heaven is real.  And that the person feels calm afterwards about death.  Calm and peace and not scared.

Well, I have never met anyone of these people in real life; only seen them on a talk show or saw a movie about it.

So, is it real?  Did they really see the light?  Really see/feel Heaven?

I visited a friend in the hospital a couple of weeks ago.  I don't know him all that well, just really through facebook, and he knows a lot of my friends.  He has been sick for over a year, and that previous night he was sent to the ER by his doctor.  His birthday was the following day so I decided to surprise him with a short visit.

It was really tough on me, I have to admit, because even though it has been 4 years since my Mom passed, hospitals touch me very deeply and emotionally because it reminds me of all her suffering.

As I walk in to his room, we said our hellos and he's laying in his hospital bed as a nurse is trying to find a vein in his arm to re-hook his IV.  Right away somehow it came up that I was nervous because of my Mom.  He asked me how she was doing.

You see, we REALLY don't know each other that well, because otherwise he would have known she passed away already. 

I told him she passed 4 years ago.  Without skipping a beat he says with a beautiful, calming smile, "I'm sorry, at least you will see her again in Heaven."

I looked at this man I hardly know telling me this and I thought, "um okay."

He then shared that almost about a year ago he was flat-lined after a routine gall bladder procedure and he died on the table.  But the doctors and nurses revived him.

He went on to share with me that he had seen his parents.  And that he is no longer scared of death. 

I asked all sorts of questions!

Were you upset they brought you back after seeing them?   Yes, very.
Is there really a light?  Yes.
So you aren't afraid of death now?  No, I will be at peace with my family.  And so will you be.

I started to bawl.  Like a little girl.  Like the little girl in this 45 year olds' body that missed her Mom more than life itself still 4 years later of her passing.

I told him, you never know what paths were meant to cross and I knew at that moment that I was not meant to see my friend in the hospital b/c it was his birthday, but because I was to hear that I will see my Mom again.

Even as I type this I'm crying.

The magnitude of that 5 minute exchange of my life will last me a lifetime.  I actually KNOW someone who saw the light.  And yes it's peaceful.  And yes you feel comfort and yes you see your loved ones again.

He was not afraid at all as he laid there in bed telling me this story.  His eyes were FULL of happiness and knowledge of the day he would be back with his parents.

It was on the one the most amazing things I have ever been through in my life.

(link)

Who You Want to Be Around

I expressed to a friend that I was having some difficulties accepting that it's really okay to not want to be around negative people or rude people or stressful people; people that bring me down.

I heard that our tolerance for things (and people) goes down in our 40s.  Boy, I can RELATE!  

I want to be around people that make me smile, bring me peace, and are positive and make me happy.

HOWEVER.  Before he and I had this convo I'm about to share, I would have worded that statement as: I can't tolerate being around people that bring me down.

Do you see the difference?  One is actually more positive.  And explaining who I DO want to be around and how I WANT to feel.

Here is what he said that really helped me view things in a different way:

I've decided I only want to hang with the good people in our industry.

As you get older, you definitely come to realize there are precious few people really worth sharing your time with.  I always tell people, "I've only got so many minutes and so many words left in me. I'm not going to waste either on people I don't really want to be with."

As for the "tolerance" issue… I prefer not to look at it as a lack of tolerance. That's for crusty, grouchy old farts…of which there are many.  I prefer to think of it as finding a certain peace and piece of mind that leads us to finally really understand what and who are important.  At that point, that's all that matters.

I think of intolerant people as being on edge and spring loaded.  I've become the opposite.  Much more relaxed, laid back.  Big difference.

I don't have time, nor do I want to expend the energy, to dislike people.  I just don't allow them space in my life.  I focus on the things and people that make me happy.

"She Put On A Lot Of Weight" - A GREAT Article

I really love this article.

"I am much more than someone who has put on weight."

and:

"I will love myself more. I will look at myself the way a friend would. If I would not say it a friend, I will not say it to myself. As we all should."

Even more amazing insights from the article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathy-sebright/she-put-on-a-lot-of-weight_b_7765902.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

Accept Things as They Are Will Help

I really love this quote today:

"In reality most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things as they are – in which case it is patient acceptance, rather than attempting to change externals, that is the solution."

- Geshe Kelsang Gyatso

Fleeing Vietnam - Heart Wrenching

I spent an hour one afternoon in May 2015 hearing absolutely amazing, sad, and shocking stories from two co-workers (not related) on how they risked their lives to leave Vietnam.

One fled in 1975 and the other in 1985.

Both had very harrowing stories of their escapes and it brings to light a lot of things we take for granted. They each showed up to America after a distraught trip over the ocean to islands where they lost relatives and then to refugee camps with ONLY the clothes on their back. And look where they are today!  In a great job.

As they said, "anything is possible." 

Sad to think some people sit on their butts all day and wont find a job, yet we have so much to offer and gain here in America!  I don't think many of us REALLY realize this.

To hear my coworkers had to flee, leave family behind, lose relatives on the trip, spend time in refugee camps for over a year, is heartbreaking, but inspiring.  But they also saw women being raped, seeing people die in the waters, or beaten on land.  Very sad times, and they didn't know if they would survive!

They have a few relatives left, that are still living (if you call it "living") in a communism country.  They send money home once a month.

Here is a link to Koh Kra "Hell on Earth:" http://www.refugeecamps.net/Kohkraintro.html

And here is another link of refugee camp that my coworker Dao was in: http://www.refugeecamps.net/GalangCamp.html

I am still in awe of the stories and how they had to leave.  Glad they made it!  But it's sad.

Paul, my other coworker, shared this via email with me:

There are a lot worsse stories of the Vietnamese boat people out there that might be never been told.  Below is the link of more stories.  You can read when you have time.

http://www.vietka.com/

 

Thank you for letting us sharing the journey how to escape from the Communist regime to the freedom land, USA.

Today's Thoughts

....captured perfectly.  Can I keep thinking this and not be hurt?

Candice Bergen on getting old Quote

"People complain about parts for women, people complain about getting old," Bergen told New York magazine in 2012. "It's a privilege to get old... The reality is that I don’t look like I used to look. I just don’t care enough, and in a way it’s saved me."

-Candice Bergen

Are You Worried? Eckhart Tolle Quote

Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? The mind projects itself into an imaginary future situation and creates fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. It's a mental phantom.

Ask yourself what "problem" you have right now, not next year, tomorrow, or five minutes from now. What is wrong with this moment? 

 --Eckhart Tolle

How You Word Things Has an Impact, from Zig Ziglar

Walking / Jogging for Health - How You Word Things Has an Impact

By Zig Ziglar

In 1972, I weighed well over 200 pounds and my career was moving ahead very, very slowly.  I decided I needed to do something about my weight and my health but, frankly, I didn’t realize that career and family benefits would also come my way.  I started jogging and eating sensibly, and though it took me about nine months to really get enthusiastic about my lifestyle change, results began to show within the first month.  The weight started dropping, my endurance and energy levels increased and, finally, after over nine months, the enjoyment breakthrough came.

I was in Portland, Oregon, jogging on Portland State University Campus.  It was “high noon” and I had a seminar to conduct later that day.  As I was jogging, it suddenly occurred to me that I was actually enjoying myself.  It was fun.  I was breathing easily and literally enjoying every step of my run.

That day I changed my vocabulary.  For years I’d been telling people with passion in my voice that you had to “pay the price” if you were going to be successful.  Today I tell people, “You don’t pay the price for success—you pay the price for failure.  You enjoy the benefits of success.  You don’t pay the price to build a good marriage; you enjoy the benefits of that good marriage.  You don’t pay the price for good health; you enjoy the benefits of good health.”

It’s amazing what the change in vocabulary can do for the enjoyment of what you do.  When I was in my 70’s my doctor, Dr. Ken Cooper, switched me from jogging to walking, I walked at a very brisk pace and, have maintained my weight and my energy level is unusually high.  My resting heart rate is 48, my cholesterol level is 152, and my blood pressure is 126 over 62.  That’s the reason I am convinced beyond any doubt that you really do enjoy the benefits of taking care of yourself.   Think about it.  Take care of you, and I’ll SEE YOU AT THE TOP!

Quote - Walk and Happiness

"A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world."
        - Paul Dudley White 

Note From a Daughter

http://news.yahoo.com/note-mirror-cancer-12-year-old-girl-112745308.html

Father finds heartbreaking note from daughter days after she died of cancer.

Here are a few of her words:

Happiness depends upon ourselves.

Maybe it’s not about the happy ending, maybe it’s about the story.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. Happiness is a direction, not a destination.

Thank you for existing. Be happy, be free, believe, forever young.

You know my name, not my story.

You have heard what I’ve done, but not what I’ve been through.

Love is like glass, looks so lovely, but it’s easy to shatter.

Love is rare, life is strange, nothing lasts and people change.

Life is only bad if you make it bad.

Remember that life is full of ups and downs, without the downs the ups don’t mean anything.

I’m waiting to fall in love with someone I can open my heart to.

Love is not about who you can see spending your future with, it’s about who you can’t see spending your life without.

Life is a game for everyone, but love is the only prize.

Take Care of Yourself to be ble to Take Care of others

"You cannot be useful to yourself, others, or God if you run yourself ragged. In order to serve others, support others, give to others, you must first be able to serve, support, and give to yourself."

 I learned this through a friend of mine.  When my Mom first got sick, I was at my wits end.  And I wasn't doing very well.

One of my dear friends, Sharon, offered some advice.   She saw I wasn't healthy because I was so worried and taking care of my parents.

She said, "In order to take care of your Mom, you must take care of yourself.  Go walking.  Do anything.  Just do something for YOU.  You wont be able to take care of her if you are just running yourself ragged."

One of the best pieces of advice I've received being a caretaker.  Or even just wanting to help others in need. 

Validation

One of my friends and I had a conversation about validation.

I wanted to share it, so I remember it, too.

She said:   "I feel like too often you and I look for validation in other people... and understanding.  The truth is, other people don't put forth the effort we do.  And that comes off disappointing to us."

Well said.

Being Thankful Quote

“It’s so easy for us to focus on the negative things, but usually, the positive in your life outweighs that. And you have to just be thankful for what you have right now.”  -Paula Patton

This is a great quote. 

She is correct - it's difficult to do this type of thinking when you are depressed, because we can't think of anything but sorrow and sadness, but the positives normally do outweigh the negatives.  It's hard to be grateful when you are sad, but if you can look at the positives, you will see that they really do outweigh the negatives.

Speech For My Dad

I wrote recently that my Dad passed away.

After I planned to go to Virgina for his memorial, I was asked to speak at his memorial.

I can't begin to express how difficult it was. I broke down several times during the speech... but SOOOOO many people told me afterwards that I did great, I made them cry, made them laugh, and that I touched their hearts with my words. Several also said it brought them hope to reunite, or reminded them of their love for a loved one. Others even said they wish they had the strength to do what I did today. I think I made my Dad proud.

It's evident he touched many lives. A lot of his friends expressed how much he meant to them and how he impacted their lives. Makes ME proud.

Here is a pic of his wife, Henna, and I:

There were not many smiles that weekend, but I was able to still capture our bond.  We both adore one another so much.  We will both miss my Dad BEYOND WORDS.

Here is the speech, and I spoke very slow and deliberate, even though tears:  


Hello, 

My name is Melinda Bailey.   

But I am honored to tell you today that I was born Melinda Duncan. 

I am Rudy Duncan's daughter.

I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is for me to stand up here, as I have now buried my step Dad, my Mom, and now the one person I could always call….. my Dad.

I was born in Okinawa Japan.  The picture you see with the little girl on the shoulders of the young man in your program (I’ll let you find it, it's cute) was taken in 1970, and I was a mere 3 months old on my Dad’s shoulders.  I recently put that photo on Facebook and as one of my friends said, “Who is holding who?”  :)

Being a Duncan as a child, I was made fun of.  I do not know if there are Dunkin’ Donuts restaurants around here, but kids thought I spelled my name like “Dunkin’ Donuts.”  I used to have to tell them my name was spelled “Duncan, D-U-N-C-A-N” not like ‘dunking donuts.’  They didn’t even realize Dunkin’ Donuts was short for Dunking Donuts.  So no, it’s not spelled the same at all.  I think they just wanted free donuts, now that I think about it.

Although I was Melinda Duncan, to my Dad I was “Pooter Poot.”  I will let that sink in. .. yes, he called me Pooter Poot.  He gave me that nickname at a very, very young age.

I can only guess that I created a lot of diaper changes for him?

He called me “Pooter Poot” when I was little, obviously, but I have to admit he would use the same term of endearment in letters… cards… and on the phone in my teens.  And 20s…. 30s…. and…. yes in to my 40s.  

I don't remember a lot from my childhood with my Dad however the two things I remember most are he taught me tie my shoes!  Thank goodness.  And one time he came home from being overseas and I heard his voice in the house and I came running and running and running down the hall towards him and he leaned down right as I reached him and he swept me up and off my feet…. as he has continually done for the next 40 years.

As you all know already, he was a very genuine, funny, loving, amazing, man… father… husband…. friend…. and brother.  Anyone who he crossed paths with, they are the true lucky ones in life.  And blessed.

My Dad and I hadn’t seen each other in person at one point for 20 years, but thankfully we kept in touch through letters and phone calls.   

And when he and Henna came to visit me in Dallas around 2005, they were waiting at the Dallas Airport for me to pick them up.  And they waited.  And waited.  When I finally did show up to the terminal – they were the last people at the turn style.  Everyone else had picked up their bags and left and only my Dad and Henna were there sitting, waiting to be picked up.  It wasn't that I was late or got lost.  What happened was…. I was sitting in my car crying!  I was able to get out of the car 3 times, but I could never quite make it across the street without bawling.  I would have to run back to my car to try and compose myself.  

When I finally did walk in, Henna was trying to grab the camera to take pictures of my Dad and I “reuniting.”  She was shaking, I was shaking, we were all crying.  

 (pics from the airport that day)

My husband (at the time) loved to golf and as you all know, so did my Dad.  So my Dad was very excited he was able to bring his golf clubs to Texas and shoot a round.  While they golfed, Henna and I were able to bond.  And I have to say that in that one weekend, Henna created the confident woman you see standing in front of you today.  She has that much of an effect on people and I know that's one of the many… many… reasons why my Dad loved her very much.

That trip was the first time I met Henna, the love of his life.  Even though he talked about her all the time, I saw for myself just how special she was.
 
She is an inspiration to everyone she meets and she puts others before herself.  Prefect example: When I called her to talk about my Dad's passing (which obviously was very tough on both of us), she mostly talked about how much he loved me.  I'm still shocked as I stand in front of you all, that she talked about his love for ME, when she in fact, lost the love of her life. 
 
I had to interrupted her and tell her my Dad told me how much she meant to him; he told me all the time. I think we can all agree there's no Rudy without Henna. The two go hand in hand. And my Dad told me on many occasions that she pretty much saved him, and helped him become a strong, able, Christian man. He told me a strong woman was needed to be by his side in order for him to become a good man.  And Henna was the ONLY woman who was strong enough.

Facebook is an interesting piece of technology.  My Dad had a Facebook account (luckily) and he told me in an email in December, “I’m REALLY glad that I have Facebook.  I can see you every day.”  I had no idea he was keeping up with me (or was it stalking?) but it sure was sweet when he would comment on a post or picture, because it meant the world to me to see he was keeping up with me.

I looked up one of his letters before coming here to VA this weekend.  He wrote this particular letter back in 1993.  He said at one point in it, “I used to pick you up from day care on my motorcycle and you were so proud.  You had your own helmet and were the envy of all the other children in the school.”

I have to tell you, I was proud every single day of my life, that he was my Dad.

I’m going to miss my Dad’s voice and his advice.  He was THE one person I could call when I needed help and he would just magically offer sincere and understanding advice.  As I reflect back, I realize now I didn’t call him FOR advice, just to tell him what I was going through, what was going on, and then he would offer words of encouragement and sweet knowledge every single time.  
 
I will miss him dearly.  

I was very lucky that my birthday was just earlier this month in February. My Dad called me on February 6th and as soon as I answered the phone, I heard him singing happy birthday to me. However the 6th is not my birthday.  I interrupted him in the middle of his singing, and told him, “Dad, Dad it's not my birthday. “  He started laughing and he asked so sweetly and innocently, “did I mess it up again?”   We both laughed and we both still wondered why he would always think my birthday was the 6^th.  He did this for years, BTW; he always thought it was the 6th.

Three days later, on February 9^th, my Dad called me again. He was singing me happy birthday and I couldn't help but smile because he had called me back (on the correct day). We chatted on both calls, and like he always did, he gave me great advice on some things I'm going through. 

So I was very lucky that I was born in February, back in 1970, back in Okinawa Japan, so I could hear my dad's voice twice this month before his passing.

The way my dad told me “I love you” was so sincere and genuine.  I swear the way he said it would make Angles flutter and God smile with delight.

The last thing my Dad said to me on that second call, was, "I love you very much, Pooter Poot." 

I love, you too, Dad.