I have alluded to the fact that I have been trying to find peace. The main reason for that is because I was in a toxic relationship for FAR too long. But, I didn't know it until it was finally completely done with.
Once I was finally ridden of this person in my life, my entire being got better. I got more sleep. I was happier. I didn't cry anymore. I wasn't stressed. Even my memory got better (because I was under so much stress from this toxic person). I was more productive at work. I cared more about my health. I had more time to do things for me (whereas before everything revolved around how I was suppose to react towards him).
It's literally freeing!
So, been trying to do things that bring me peace. Because I didn't have peace and comfort for over a year and a half.
Toxic people make you think you are loved, but in reality, it's a game to them. They use you, abuse you mentally, break you down, then lift you up. Make you believe things that aren't even true.
I've cried so much it sucks. Then he'd say magical things to make me "believe" again.
The true definition of toxic.
And I am SO much happier away from it!
I am disappointed in myself for not seeing what was going on though. But I admit I was lied to and my heart and mind were played with.
I honestly pray that this person doesn't play these games intentionally. That would be so sad if it was all intentional.
But, not my problem anymore!
Happier times now. Peaceful times. No Crying. No roller-coaster of emotions on almost a daily basis for months on end.
PEACEFUL feels SO good! So amazing.
Let go of toxic people in your life! You will be so much happier. You will see so many parts of your life get better once they are out of your life. Trust me.
Many of us have no idea we are in a toxic relationship until we finally get the hell out of 'em. We suffer and suffer and don't know why we are mostly depressed and hurting, until we finally break free from the chaos.
The toxic person is like an anchor trying to drown us. They let us up for air and give us hope and some happiness every once in a while, and we can see the sun and shimmer of happiness again with them, but then they just pull the anchor back down into the deep and darkness while we suffocate in life. Let go of the anchor completely and rise to the top so you can breathe good and free again every single day. Do it for yourself. You deserve it.
Here are more details about that toxic relationship I was in. I am ashamed I didn't realize I was being verbally abused.
It's actually very difficult to write this out and admit, but I was in a relationship where I was verbally abused.
What's crazy is, I didn't even recognize it at the time.
All I saw was an upset b/f who would be mean to me, break up with me, then try and get back with me within days. He would worm his way back into my life with sweet words and failed promises.
And this back and forth chaos happened over the span of a year and a half.
Months after I FINALLY stopped talking to him and blocked all the avenues he could reach me, I happened to share with a friend the things my ex would say to me, and about the relationship in general.
And he replies, "How could you keep going back to him all those times after he was so mean and rude to you?"
As a mature, smart woman, I all of a sudden wondered that myself right at that moment, for the very first time.
I, then, at that moment, knew I had been verbally abused and didn't even realize it. :(
It reminded me of ALL those stories we have heard our whole life of a woman being physically abused who keeps going back. I was that woman, too, but it was verbal and emotional abuse.
I have kept all of his mean texts and crappy voice mails. He would tell me lovingly in a soft voice, "Let's forget about that. Let's move on. Delete them. I'm not upset anymore. That was in the past. I'm not that way anymore. Just get rid of them."
But I saved them all.
And within just a couple of weeks (or less) after being nice again, he would get upset and then he would lay into me again.
Bottom line - he would be the sweetest guy in the world, but when he would let his thoughts consume him, he would lash out at me and be mean. Then a couple of days later or a few days later, he would call or text after he was feeling better and say how much he was sorry and loved me and wanted me back. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker because he was a very good manipulator (and a narcissist).
Here are some examples of the mean things (that I can share) that he said to me:
- You are the biggest whore in the world
- Good luck at 50
- You are a slut
- You''ll never find a good man like me
- I know you are seeing someone
- You are no good.
Etc etc.
I never once cheated on him. I thought I was in love with him and that isn't even in me to see or talk to anyone else while in love. Unfathomable, really. So I was very confused by his continual accusations. And that led to being scared to do or say anything, in fear to upset him.
Over and over again for a year and a half I would hear his words of hate, and yet then still take him back again because he would be all sweet and try to convince me to give him another chance. I was convinced I was in love and that he loved me. He talked about marriage and our future.
He was a smart manipulator.
At one point during that year and half of chaos, I caught him talking to numerous other girls, so I broke up with him (I thought for good). But he had an excuse for it all and after 4 months, it was like my brain forgot, and actually took him back because of his sweet words and fake promises of our future together.
I believed him; like
a stupid fool. And then the verbal abuse would return, and I kept putting up with it. It was an extremely vicious, cruel cycle that I found myself in. And it was extremely difficult get away from because he was so convincing.
And honestly, if someone loves you so deeply, how can they treat another so badly?
He would tell me often he needed to work on things, but then ease his way back into my life, be nice, then be mean again.
It's all the typical signs of abuse if you look up the stats:
Here are just some of signs I read about, that you are being verbally abused:
- You feel worse after disagreements
- He calls your ex "crazy" for her allegations
- You don't feel free to spend time with people and pursuits you love
- Sometimes you feel you are dating Dr. Jekyll and My. Hyde
- He says that he'll kill himself or you or the pet if you leave
- They accuse you of cheating
- They are jealous all the time
- Calls you names
- Intimidating you
- Demeaning
- Excessive Texting
- Control where you can go or what you can do
I can say he NEVER did number 5.
But boy, did I feel like I was dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde! A LOT.
And everything I did, if I ever went out, I was scared he would take it wrong. If I didn't answer the phone he'd FREAK out. And then leave crappy messages or never answer when I would call back. I had to check in a lot - what I was doing and where I was going - because he never believed me for some reason and I was very scared he would lash out at me.
I could not use my phone in front of him because he always thought I was texting other guys.
(I'm getting upset as I type this!)
I am not sure why I put up with it all except I believed him when he said he would never be mean to me again, and I thought I really did love him. Or that he loved me and "we belonged together - how could we not, we are perfect for each other," he would gush as I wiped away my tears.
I am ashamed I let him treat me this way.
It's funny how at times during the relationship I thought it was truly amazing. Complete bliss, almost. To only realize most of the time I was depressed and upset because of the verbal abuse and chaos of the Dr. Jekyll and My Hyde personality I was trying to cope with.
I was very very stressed and it even caused memory issues. As soon as we stopped talking, my memory issues magically disappeared..
I realize now that he is a narcissist. But that doesn't take away from the fact I let someone be mean to me for so long because I was blind. That's hard to swallow. I know I am much better without him and I am thankful I am away from him for good. But still ashamed and disappointed I could let someone be so mean to me for so long and I kept going back to his lies.
Excerpts:
1. They're extremely charming.
2. They don't experience any remorse.
3. They're really arrogant.
4. They take big risks.
5. They're master manipulators.
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