The Changing of the Seasons (literally)

Woo-wee, something is going on with me.

I LOVE the summer.  Getting a tan, walking as the hot sun radiates on my face, doing more outdoor activities because the weather feels beautiful, sun is up later in the day, etc.  I definitely feel better in the summer than winter because I get outside more and get more things done after work because it's still sunny outside in the evening hours.

I haven't been walking as much this summer for several reasons, including because my rescue pitbull, Lily, can't handle the heat and because also been pretty depressed almost the entire summer, so haven't really ventured out to parks like I normally do as I don't have the drive or energy.  Further, for the first time I felt it really was too damn hot to even try to walk this summer.

However, for the very first time in my life, I am looking forward to the Fall.

Yea, I don't understand it either, lol.

I made custom wreaths for every seasons/holiday and I dislike the Fall so much that I didn't even make a wreath with orange and brown colors, lol.  To me, Fall is the sign Thanksgiving is coming (the hardest holiday for me) and that winter is coming (I hate the cold).  Further, it gets darker sooner and I just don't like it.

A friend of mine shared he has to do something in the early evening during the winters because otherwise he gets depressed.  Boy, do I understand that!  (even though I have yet to put that into practice)

However this year, I am actually looking forward to the Fall.

It's actually been TOO hot.  I can usually lay out in my backyard every weekend and get a nice tan in only an hour, but these last two months have been so hot and humid, I can barely last 15 minutes.  Seriously!  So, my tan isn't what it normally is.  Further, my arms look thinner and best tanned, and so I've been a tad embarrassed even though I keep wearing sleeveless shirts anyway lol.  So, I'm actually ready for Fall weather so I can where more light sweaters to hide my flabby, not-tanned arms lol.

I am also thinking of driving through Oklahoma one weekend in the next couple of months to look at the all Fall colors.

I also really love hot baths and when it gets colder, the return of the hot baths come into my life almost nightly.  I'm ready!

And sitting by my fireplace in the evenings - so relaxing!

Also when it gets cold, Lily will snuggle up to me while we sleep so she gets warm.  I sure did miss her sleeping right next to me this summer.

And of course my electric bill goes down too in the winter, so it's always nice to save money.

I can't believe I am ready for Fall weather, but I like that I'm not dreading it and instead excited about it for the first time.  :)

UnNormal Thoughts After Bad News

I am very thankful for something I heard and remembered! when I was growing up.

I can't recall where I was, why I remember it, or who even said it, but I am so very thankful.

What was shared was when someone passes away or when something bad happens, it's normal for us to have unnormal or uncomfortable thoughts.

That advice has been very helpful for me all my life to not feel guilty about maybe some ill thoughts that might creep into my brain.

The example they gave was very simple, but very powerful.  Let's say you are in your teens and your Grandpa passes away.  But yet you had a slumber party to go to the weekend of the funeral.  What was explained was, it's normal to feel bad about not getting to go to the slumber party.

Again, I can't remember who shared the story or if I read it in school or when/where I heard this, but it truly has helped me all these years.

Sometimes we do have kinda rude, non-normal and what seems like unnatural thoughts when we hear about bad news that might affect plans we had.

Of course, what you eventually do is your decision you have to live with, lol, but it's normal to have initial thoughts and concerns that sometimes don't make sense in our mind.  Shouldn't I care more about going to see Grandpa?  The feeling of selfishness, guilt or shame can be tough on us.  However, because I learned at a very young age these thoughts are normal, I don't feel guilty or bad; I don't let them bother me and I don't feel bad about myself.  

I'm sharing this to hopefully help others if you have thoughts that don't really make sense after bad news.  

Remember:  Normal!

Say Something After Loss

I went to Vegas one year for a tournament and ran into a friend I only see at tournaments and now on social media.

This was about 5-6 years ago.

She had posted on FB a month or so before that a good friend of hers had passed away.  When I saw her a month later in the hallway to the convention area, I gave her a hug and then said, "Hey, sorry about your friend."

Her response was not what I was expecting, but little did I know it would slap me in the face years to come.

She was SO thankful I said I was sorry and for acknowledging his passing.  She told me, "You know what, not even my closest friends have really said that to me."  She actually went on quite a bit and shared her pain, hurt and heart that hardly anyone said anything to her about his passing.

I know the reason I said it - because I understand death; I understand the emptiness; I understand the sorry and the pain.

However, there so many others who know the effects of death, and yet they still don't/didn't say anything.

Fast forward 5-6 years.

One of my best friends, Dave, passed away TWO days before I went to Vegas to help run a tournament just this past May.  I ran into, I don't know, close to 100 people or more I knew.  Almost all are friends with me on FB, too, so if they saw any post from the last few months, they knew either Dave was very sick with his brain cancer or they found out he passed away just recently.

Only ONE person said they were sorry for my loss and one other mentioned him to me.

I'm speechless.

I am just at a loss honestly.  Empathy of losing a loved one means SO MUCH to a person after a loss.  And yet hardly anyone even says anything.

I get the excuse all the time that people are "scared to say something" or "think they shouldn't say something."  That's bullshit.

The honest truth is we are all busy living our own lives and we become distracted, maybe selfish and we don't think of what others are going through.  I'm guilty of this, too, so I'm not immune either.

Sure, some people are very helpful and nice.  And I know 99% of people never intentionally hurt others during tough times.  But it doesn't really matter to even be cognizant of all that, honestly.

Losing someone hurts.  It's painful.  It's sad.  And some of us would really love for a friend or acquaintance to say, "Hey, how you doing?  Sorry to hear about Dave."

Instead, it's an after thought.

Like she said, even with our closest friends, we hardly hear anything.  And for some reason, it's always the ones we wish we would hear from that seem to really make it all worse.

My advice is SAY SOMETHING.  Anything.  If they don't want to talk about it, that's okay - at least you showed you care.  But, loss is not the elephant in the room.  We want our loved ones to be acknowledged and remembered; not ignored.

People think it's painful to bring up the loss of a loved one.  What's painful is when they aren't brought up at all while we suffer alone.

Water and TV in Paris

When I went to Paris, France last year, I noticed something.

I didn't watch TV one single time, nor did I drink any diet sodas.

At home, I fall asleep with the tv on and leave it on all night.  I actually thought I couldn't go to sleep without the tv on, but Paris proved that theory wrong.  Further, I have the tv on at all times during the day when I am home - whether for background noise or because I'm watching tv.

Although I do admit ALL that walking in Paris and also being on some meds (b/c I cut off the tops of two fingers with a crazy lawnmower) might have allowed me to fall asleep pretty easy in Paris.  But, it's still shocking to me I didn't watch tv for 10 entire days.

I now sometimes will even turn the TV off in the middle of the night (blasphemy!) when I wake up to go pee.  There's a few times it's TOO quiet though and my brain starts to think so I have to turn the tv back on, but most of the time I do fall back asleep.  I still don't initially fall asleep with the tv off - my brain gets too distracted with thoughts and therefore listening to what is on tv stops all that and I go to sleep pretty fast otherwise.

I have a diet pepsi (or diet coke) at least once a day, sometimes more.  I hardly ever drink water unless I'm walking, doing yard work, or laying out to get some sun.  To realize I drank water for 10 days straight is pretty amazing to me.  It shows I can actually drink water only, even though I don't really care too, haha.

I don't recall feeling better or different from drinking water for 10 days.  But, I didn't drink water all the time - only really when I ate.  So, it wasn't like I drank the "recommended amount" every day for the human body, more so just didn't drink anything but water when I was thirsty or ate.

Dammit I Still Miss You

Hearing your voice again
Brought me back to day one.
The first day you captured my heart,
And you still have it won.

That deep voice of yours,
Is so unique.
I'm so blessed to recognize it
Every time I hear you speak.

It's not just the sound of your voice
But the words you speak.
Makes my heart skip,
And my legs weak.

I miss you.

Some days you are hiding in my brain.
Other days you are everywhere.
I can only hope that I cross your mind too
And that you still care.

I think you do,
Even as we live separate lives.
Wishing we could instead
Take a step and climb....

Climb into each others arms
Maybe share a deep kiss
Even if for a short time
Enjoying the silence and bliss.

Well, not that we are quiet,
As we talk and catch up
To always update each other,
Of time we are trying to makeup.

I think we are both proud and happy
Of what we hear.
Yet, a tad jealous
We aren't more near.

Near in life
Near in sharing,
Near in arms,
Near in staring.

Staring into the same world
Together with the same eyes
But different hearts and minds,
Enjoying life's surprise.

I can't begin to express
How much you impress me.
I want to rub my mind on yours
Just to get a glimpse of how you see.

See the world,
See your visions,
See beyond skin,
See your decisions.

Bottom line remains...
I miss so much about you,
Yet it still feels for some reason
All so brand-new.

I think that's a beautiful thing,
To still be excited
Knowing when we talk
We each get so delighted.

The only thing time has done
Is kept us apart.
I can't figure out
If that is good or bad for our heart.

I'm grateful our paths crossed.
Two peas in a pod
Seeing something in each other
And still to this day awed.

Grief Counselor

I am seeing a grief counselor.  They offer this "service" through the Hospice center that Dave was in.  I decided I needed to take them up on it.

At first I thought I was fine, then I realized one day, Oh shit, I AM NOT.

I only meet with her 3 times - and have only been to her once so far.  It was for an hour.  She gave me homework, yeah!  And some things to read, also.  I can tell just hearing someone tell me the things I'm doing (err, not doing) is normal when grieving.  We already really know that deep down, but to hear her confirm it is really helpful.

I think just talking to someone who can validate what I'm feeling or not feeling is helping me.  I still feel bouts of depression at times, but it's not like it was the few weeks before I visited the grief counselor.

I didn't ever see a counselor after my Mom passed and it felt like five years of grieving.  I heard from a friend after her Mom passed, and she went to visit one right away.  I was shocked!  Who thinks of those things and why would it even cross their mind to seek help?  Weirdos :)

I actually asked her about this, and instead if me trying to paraphrase, I'm going to use her exact words because I love the way she writes.  (I actually interviewed her for another blog and continue to be impressed).  Her words helped me, I'm hoping they will help others, too:

---------------------------------------------------------------

I got your card today.  I just really appreciate your kindness and compassion.  You went out of your way to try to take care of someone whose pain you understand – and I just love you for that.  

My mom was irreplaceable, as I’m sure yours was.  I was so devastated at first – poor Travis; he couldn’t do anything to help me.  I was fortunate to have two of my sisters (with whom I’m close) to talk with about it.  We were all suffering greatly, but we knew that the others understood the shock and pain of it.  And it was shocking.  Which is weird – because like with your mom, we knew it was coming.  But still… she was the first person I’ve ever loved who died.  One moment there – the next moment, gone forever.  I still cannot get my brain around it.

I don’t know what I would have done without the counseling that I had.  It really saved me.  It didn’t deny what happened, or try to gloss over it, or try to make it like it never happened.  She and I faced it head on – and that was exactly what I needed.  Since the counseling finished I still have waves of grief, but they are manageable and I don’t feel like a mix between a totally numb zombie and an insanely sad person anymore.  Thank God.  That was really, really exhausting.  Yes, I know that you know what I mean.

And, I know that there is still grief in there.  Today I had to go out to show a lake property to someone and it required that we drive by the lake house that mom and dad used to own.  I kept thinking that if I just went and opened the door, she’d be standing there in the kitchen by the window, smiling at me, like she always used to do.  But no, she’s not there anymore.  And I had to keep myself together because I was with a client.  It has put a pall over the rest of the day. Those kinds of moments will be there for a long time, I’m sure.  

I have thought about you a lot since your mom passed away.  I feel like you’ve handled it incredibly well – and I don’t mean you had a stiff upper lip – f*** that.  I mean that you have handled your grief with grace.  You’ve shared it when you needed to and continued to go on with your life, pain and all.  That’s amazing.  I never met your mom but I wondered if that’s just inherently you or if you got some of that from her.  Either way, it’s a really good model for all of your friends to see.  

I know I said this the other day, but I really recommend that you get the specific support of a grief counselor.  I always say if our legs were broken, we wouldn’t try to fix them ourselves, we’d go to a doctor.  But for some reason when it comes to emotional pain we all think we can do it ourselves.  

But truly, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since your mom passed away, that grief is the same whether it’s been three months or three years – particularly if that grief energy gets stuck in there, as it often does with people like you who are very strong and have a LOT to do.  Through no fault of your own, the grief has been hanging out, waiting for its turn.  That might sound ridiculous – given how much you’ve hurt… but in my experience, when you try to contain it a great deal of time (because you have to get on with the business of living), what doesn’t get expressed will sit there patiently, waiting to fully move through you.  That’s why the grief counseling was so powerful for me – we DEALT with it, in all its full force.  And it did move through.  

If you do decide to seek some counseling, listen to your gut about whether or not you’ve found a counselor who is good for you.  Just like any other profession, there are good counselors, so-so counselors, and crappy counselors.  In my experience, a good counselor resonates with you immediately.  

We’re both doing the best we can, you and I.  It’s been my experience that grief that is dealt with head on can be so much easier to live with.  I wish that for you.

To answer your question, yes – I had my sisters to talk to, but I was drowning in grief.  And so were they.  Did it feel better to be drowning with them than to be drowning alone?  Yes… but what we all really wanted was to not be drowning at all.  And there’s a very big difference between talking about your feelings (like with my sisters) and dealing with them therapeutically.  My sisters and I all felt the same; we were all really only able to reinforce one another’s grief.  In therapy, I was able to get an entirely different perspective – one that allowed me to get a little separation between the grief and me.  In other words, I had felt completely overtaken by the grief – like that was all I was.  But when I was able to get that different perspective, I could reconnect with the parts of me that weren’t just grief.  It was just the space I needed for the grief to lose its chokehold on me.  It allowed me to fully deal with the grief without feeling like it would kill me.

I feel much better now than I ever thought I would in only five months since mom died.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over her being gone – but I’m learning to live with that reality.  And I’m okay.