Helpful Grief Class

Went to a Grief Class last night, second in four weeks. This series of classes was only 4 nights, and last night was the final one. Several of us expressed we wish there were more nights! 

I fully admit I should have gone to Grief Classes or sought help after the loss of my Mom and also after both my Dads. It would have helped my heart, mind, and soul. At least I figured out after Dave passed I needed to get help because his loss was tough on me, so all is not lost. 

This is also my way of suggesting to seek help to those that have lost a loved one, without telling you to actually do it. I didn't listen to this advice before, either, so I actually completely understand if you ignore me.  

This Grief Class has been so amazingly helpful. If I think about it, it's actually been a safe sanctuary. It's been a blessing and comfort I can speak what is in my heart and what is hurting, and yet no one in the room judges me or tries to change my mind about what I was feeling. 

We are all going through the same thing and can relate so deeply to what we each share. It's been a comfort to be accepted for who I am, what I am going through, and what I feel...instead of people trying to convince me I should think or feel different.

P.S. If you go to a Grief Class, I applaud your bravery! Second, if you don't like it, please try another class. There really are some very beautiful ones out there that are more helpful than others.

My Real Dad's Love

When your parents get divorced at 7 years old and you live with your Mother and never see your Dad, you wonder your whole life if your Dad loved you, missed you, thought about you, cared about you.

This was me.

When I was in my teens, any correspondence with my Real Dad upset my Mom badly - to the point she would leave work crying. I made a conscious decision to stop talking to him until I left the house. I just couldn't put my Mom through that anymore. 

Life would go by with very few cards or calls between us even after I left the house, but a quarter of a centruy later (when I was 35 years old), we finally reconnected and we saw each other for the first time in 25 years. Then, we talked or emailed or sent cards much more frequently.  

All through those 25 years, though, my heart wondered if he missed me, thought about me, loved me, talked about me? Even after we reconnected, I still didn't truly know how he felt about me. Sure, he told me he loved me a lot, and just by the sound of his voice I could feel how much he loved me when he said the words (it was actually truly magical), but I didn't really know the truth depth of that love.

Now, though, I know.

His wife, Henna, was telling me again just last night that he talked about me all the time, almost every single day. He expressed to her all the time how much he loved me and missed me. My Dad passed away 4 years ago, and she brings up almost every time we talk just how much he expressed all the time how much loved and missed me. I think it's important to her to make sure I know. 

It makes me cry to know this now. After 25 years wondering if he thought of me or missed me (his only child), turns out he did. I just didn't know it; I had no idea.

It doesn't take away the pain, but it sure means the world to me to know this now. 

Lunch with an Angel

I had lunch with an Angel Monday.

Seriously!

I wrote about this Angel back in May. She was the lady who happened to be in the hallway in hospice literally right after Dave passed away, who helped me with her comforting and understanding hugs and words.

I had wanted for months to try and get together with her so I could find out more about her and be around someone who was so inspiring. Although it took us three tries to finally find a good time/date, we met up Monday.

The "lunch" ended up being a four hour amazing talk! It was truly incredible to catch up with her and to also be able to tell her in person how deeply she impacted me not just that day, but in the months since. We got to know each other and share! It was so beautiful.

At one point, she asked about Dave and also how I was doing since he passed. I started to cry, as no one has asked about Dave in so long nor asked how I have been doing because I lost one of my best friends.

Her spirit and perspective about life and living was powerful for me to hear. And she agrees with my one of my purposes in life (ironically similar to hers) to help others cope with death or prepare for death.

She has such great wisdom, a lot of experience to share, and a way of looking at things that is truly encouraging and enlightening. We are to meet up again in a few months and I already can't wait!

I wrote about her heaven experience and the consequence of her impact on me at this link. I highly recommend a few minutes to read what happened to her.

Short Term Care-Giving Idea

I took care of my Mom for 5 years, I "took care" (ie. led and ran) the Omega Billiards Tour for 6 years, and then I took care of my best friend Dave for two more years after that. Heck, I could throw in a couple of ex boyfriends in my 20s and 30s because I kinda took care of them, too, lol.

But, after Dave passed away last year, a couple of friends asked me, "So who are you taking care of now?" It kind of threw me off. I didn't know that's what I was suppose to do next was to take care of someone right away. Really?

I mean, yeah, sure, I take care of people sometimes when it's needed, but I don't see that as my duty in life. I don't understand why others think if I stop taking care of someone, that means it's time for me to now take care of someone new for the next few years.

Quite honestly, what I'm trying to do now is to take care of myself. I don't normally do that. I don't normally look after myself, because I'm taking care of others and I put myself on the backburner. So,

So, I guess the answer is the next person is: ME.

I mentioned the other day I wanted to start back having dinner with a girlfriend once a month, but you know there's other things I want to do with friends. It isn't just "dinner," it's spending time with them, maybe doing things they love or doing something for them or with them that doesn't always revolve around just eating out, but doing bonding things, more memorable things.

The reason I bring this up is I have decided that doing small acts of kindness would be better for my well-being. Taking care of someone for years is overwhelming, stressful, upsetting, depressing, and sometimes harmful to myself. Therefore, doing small acts of kindness for my friends (or strangers) is still helping others (my purpose in life), but on a much smaller scale so I'm not overburdened and overwhelmed.

And, I'll be able to help more people doing things this way! Further, I'll also be more effective. Caregiving for years takes a tole on my body, mind, and mental status. I can be more effective and have more energy for short-term help as opposed to years of help.

Here are some examples just from the Fall of 2018 where I have already started this:

A friend of mine likes cemeteries. She was literally on my list for about a year to surprise her and take her to the two oldest cemeteries in Fort Worth. I thought it would be thoughtful to do this with her because she really loves cemeteries.  We went to them one beautiful Saturday in October and spent nearly 5 hours just walking through them, catching up, and also of course reading tombstones and finding out about history.

Around that same time, I reached out to my friend Julie C to do something together. We ended up going to dinner and then to the Dallas Arboretum to see the 12 Days of Christmas. We are already planning to do other non-traditional "just dinner" things this upcoming year! But when I called Julie about doing something together, her response surprised me. She told me she was a little jealous I was going to dinner with other friends and wondered when she would get to do something with me.

You know, I hadn't thought before that people wanted to spend time with me, I simply wanted to spend time with them. I discovered this with my nail girl as well. I have been going to her for ten years and we are good friends. We were talking the other day about her next appointment and I discovered that she adds an extra 15 minutes to my appointment time so we have extra time to talk and catch up! I had no idea! Every one else gets a mere 45 minutes, but I get a full hour because she wants to spend more time with me. ME! I was tickled and surprised.

Another thing I did last year that was new and different was I reached out to a friend back in the Spring of 2018 and told her I'd like to do a photoshoot with her family (she and her husband have two small children). Photoshoots are tricky and you never really know if or how many photos will come out good or not. And being this would be my first true photoshoot, I was nervous but still excited to do this for them (and crossed my fingers some would turn out great).  Our schedules and/or weather on the weekends didn't work out and we actually didn't meet until October (crazy, I know). To make matters worse, the park I chose that morning turned out to be closed and I had to stressfully find another park very last minute that would hopefully still be good for a photoshoot. Luckily, I got about 50 really great photos out of the 800 I took! Whew!

In early December she sent me a message...she showed me her family Christmas card - I seriously started to immediately bawl. She used photos from the photoshoot for her card! I was so moved that something I helped with made such an impact. And, it turns out the delay in finding the perfect weather weekend was actually meant to be because she was able to use them for her Christmas card:

I have kinda always done sweet and thoughtful things for others, but now I want expand that and do things WITH others.  Making memories brings happiness, more than material things.  And this will be a form of short-term caregiving.

As I said before, caregiving takes a major toll on me, so, instead of taking care of someone for years at a time, this will be better for my well-being and soul.  I get to show friends I care by doing things with them, and still be able to fulfill my purpose in life:  helping others.