Strong Significant Others

I recall a very poignant and heart breaking comment from my real Dad who shared with me that sometimes a person isn't strong enough for them at that time in their life, to be the best person for them, as their significant other.

Sometimes we need a strong partner to be the person on our arm. 

When I really deeply thought about it, it made sense.

And I saw what he meant, because my Dad's future wife was the strong, supportive woman that he needed in his life.  

While I am extremely jealous person by nature when I have a significant other, the one thing I really LOVE about myself is when an ex gets in another relationship after me, I never get upset, or feel jealous, or angry.

NEVER.

I'm never sad to see an ex happy.  I just know it meant we weren't right for each other at the time.  And I would be hopeful that their new interest would be the right person for them.

I think about what my Dad said.

Especially right now.  An ex immediately started to see a new girl after we broke up and they eventually got married.  While I did everything for this man, I was not the best person for him.  And when I see photos of him and her on FB, and read his words of love for her, I can tell that she is the better person for him in his life than I ever could be.

This isn't taking anything away from me.  I think I am a great woman!  But sometimes other people are stronger and a better "half" at certain points in our lives.

I see how his new wife is a strong-hold for him.  I see how she welcomes his family and prolly prompted him to reach out to them.  I actually like seeing their love for one another online - they deserve happiness (something he and I did not have for the last year of our relationship).

I am the first to admit I used to not be the best girlfriend in the world.  I wasn't mature enough to handle issues well.  I nagged a lot and worried more about my feelings, not how I was treating them - I was just immature and stupid, really.  Sure am glad I'm not that same person anymore!  Whew!

I truly and completely believe that some people DO need to be of certain strength and support of a person to help another;  to be the best significant other for them;  to be the right significant other.

Misses

I miss your intelligence.

I miss your mentor-ship.

I miss learning from you.

I miss hearing your laugh.

I miss reading your words.

My Dad's Ashes

My Dad's brothers and sisters were able to spread my Dad's ashes at my Grandmother's farm land (his Mom) last weekend.

I am OVERCOME with emotions how much this means to me.

My Aunt Bonnie and Uncle Charlie talked to him all the way down the row. I bawled when I saw these photos:

SO emotional...... I love them so much for being able to take care of him for me.

I'm a wreck.... but so happy they were able to do this.

My Grandmothers' and Great Grandfathers' ashes were also spread that weekend.  I can only imagine how tough that trip had to be for my Aunts and Uncles.

I had a conflict and could not go with them that weekend.  Maybe God knew it would have been too much for me right now.

Remembering my Dad on his Deathversary

9 years ago this very day, my Mom and I found my Dad, Thomas Bailey, passed away at their house in San Antonio. His biggest concern was always who would take care of the love of his life, my Mom, if something ever happened to him first. I was honored to take care of her for the next 5 years of her life for us. My Dad was always proud of me and always told me. That's hard to find nowadays. He was always very happy for me in my accomplishments in school and my career or when I could finally buy my first car. I miss you so much Dad! Give Heaven a hug from me. I love you!

Eating as a Child, Same as an Adult

I never liked rice if it wasn't white rice.  Even to this day, still don't.

So, when I would venture off campus during my senior year of high school with one of my friends, Blanca, to the Mexican restaurant in the mall, I would order cheese enchiladas (no onions, please), I would also say, "no rice."

So, they would bring me a side of lettuce and chopped tomatoes.  I think they did this for presentation.  Otherwise, the plate looked a tad bland with only two enchiladas and beans lol.  And so I eventually tapped into the lettuce and tomato as I took a bite of the enchilada.  It became a beautiful friendship that has stayed with me all these years.

And so here I am almost 30 years later and every time I order enchiladas (still with no onions), I ask for a side of lettuce and tomato in lieu of rice.

Here is a photo of a dinner I had just a week or so ago: 

Still a child :)

Pappasitos.

Gene Wilder Selflessness Thinking of the Kids

Touching article to read.


Gene Wilder thinking of others.

Here is the except that touched my soul (and it about to touch yours):

"In a new interview with NPR’s Robert Siegel, Wilder’s nephew Jordan Walker-Pearlman explains that his uncle kept his Alzheimer’s diagnosis a secret because he feared that, were it to become public, it would begin to interfere with his ability to bring smiles to people’s faces even in retirement. “This decision was not as a result of vanity,” said Walker-Pearlman. “There were times we would go out to dinner as a family and children would light up at the sight of him and smile. And because he never lost his instinct or sense or sensibility, it occurred to him that if that disease were made public … that then after that smile, some parent may then say something about disease or sadness. And he was such that he could not bear to be responsible for one less smile in the world.”"

Read the rest of the article here.

Addiction Points to Share

This very short article on Elizabeth Vargas is very spot on. 

For those of us with addiction issues, we understand completely and can relate to what she is saying so candidly and openly.

For her to say, "I couldn't stop drinking for my children" is something I hope spouses and loved ones really, really take in to their already hurt heart.

Many people don't understand why their spouse, parent, or adult child still drinks or does drugs even though they have people around them who love them.  It can tear families apart.

But, it's true. 

And unfortunately that's the power of addiction. 

An addict isn't thinking of their kids or spouse as they drink or shoot up.  Why?  Because the drug is more powerful.  Doesn't mean they don't love you.  Just explains how deep addiction is.  It's a disease.

And if you aren't an addict yourself, this is completely confusing and you don't understand.

Elizabeth Vargas is sharing the true nature of the grip addiction can have. 

Just that short article is very powerful in what she shares.  Such as,

• "Addiction is a hopeless, dark place," she says. "I have great empathy for people trapped there."
• "You're removing the capacity to be present, not just in the bad moments," she said. "You're numbing the good feelings. You're numbing everything. It's profoundly selfish."

Sticking Alone During Depression

I mentioned to a friend of mine a few weeks ago that I was depressed.  Her response was, "Well, why didn't you reach out to me?  You know you can call at any time."

It got me thinking.... and made me realize.... that all the times I've been depressed, I never reach out to anyone.

When we are depressed we don't think, "dang, I sure want to call someone."

No.

We actually don't want to call anyone at all.  Sometimes we wont even answer the phone if we are too deep in depression.  So, why would it possibly cross my mind to call someone to talk?  We don't even think to call a friend to go hang out.  It's just not what we think about or how we feel when we are depressed.

We might eventually realize we need to seek advice or help after months or years, but at first and for awhile, we are too busy feeling bad/sad/depressed to even think of reaching out to friends for some relief or distraction.

Depression is a "lone disease."  We want to be alone. 

Perspective on Purpose

I've been having a tough time lately.

Back to my old self of feeling like I have no purpose.  Could really care if I live or die, honestly.

Even though I have a lot of cool, different things going on, I still have no desire or care to live.

Don't worry, I'm not getting out the wrist-cutting sharp objects, but I can tell you I'm not scared to die at all if something weird like a car accident happens.  I even envision driving off a bridge, lol.

So, imagine my confusion when I'm talking to a friend who has throat cancer.  As Sophia on the Golden Girls would say, "Picture This:"

• He has no family.  AT ALL (no children or living parents or relatives)
• He literally lives out of his van
• Funds are being raised so he can at least be in a hotel while he gets treatment, but those funds will be used up in a month.  (he needs a clean place and electricity to use his pumps and feeding tube)
• He has no job, and barely gets by, except with the occasional winning of a weekly pool tournament 
• He literally owns only the clothes he's wearing (which don't fit him any more), and he has no valuables or keepsakes.

And here is this man in his late 50s or early 60s telling me he's going to fight.  He's not giving up. 

Even hearing all that, still doesn't give me the desire to look forward to life and living, but for some reason, he has more spirit than I do.  And he has about 99% less things than I do.  And not just physical things, but other "things" - I have good friends, great job, projects I'm working on, trips coming up, etc.

I really have a great life.  People would kill to have this life.  And yet.... I don't care to fight to live lately.

People Don't Have to Like You

I think a lot of people get upset when they find out someone doesn't like them.  And they spend a lot of wasted time trying to figure out why.

I was pretty lucky - for whatever reason in my twenties, I was taught or read somewhere that not everyone's going to like you during your lifetime.  And that's actually very okay!

It's fine not to be liked by everyone.  And if you think about it, I think it'd be kind of weird if every single person we ran across in our lifetime did like us, right?

The reason why I write this today is because I saw this quote on Facebook:

And then someone commented this:

"I have a real problem with number 2. If my worst enemy has disdain for me, I drive myself crazy trying to figure out why. Definitely loose sleep over it as well.."

And it made me realize how thankful and grateful I am that whatever I heard or read or was taught in my twenties helped me realize that it's okay when people don't like me.   Because of course not everyone likes me.  Or you. 

I was able to sleep many a night because I learned that it's actually a pretty normal thing.  As you can see, that person is being tormented and it's so unfortunate.  They are inadvertently punishing themselves wondering why someone doesn't like them, when it's pretty normal at some points in our lifetime.

Sure, maybe the reason is something we can work on to improve or better ourselves, but unless they are a good friend who can maybe offer advice, don't even sweat it you aren't liked by all.