End of August

Last day of August.

Thank goodness.

Tough month for many reasons already mentioned, and new reasons that cropped up.

Surviving.  I'm so busy with so many different things, I know that's a blessing.  Hate nights, tho - that's when the brain wont shut off.  Yet, I like sleep!  And I'm so much more productive after getting good, long sleep time.

Oh well.

August 19th

The day on the calendar I hate most - the day my Mom passed away.

While putting those words on FB, many friends and people who love me (I hope lol) commented with warm thoughts and virtual hugs.  A few people offered solutions, which in my opinion is the last thing I think people should do when we are grieving on tough days.

We honestly don't want to hear to "move on" or "it's the cycle of life, stop being angry" or "she wouldn't want you sad" or "good things happen on those days too."

Funny, no one knows my Mom and she would NOT want me happy on these days about her, lol. 

Here is what I put on FB:

"I hate today. The day my Mom passed away. It was also a Friday, & only 5 years ago the docs told me she was dying. They asked me her wishes, & I said thru brutal tears she wants to not be hooked up in a hospital and instead be comfortable in hospice. Being able to speak for your loved ones when they can't is a GIFT! My Mom told me her wishes for many years. I beg everyone to have this tough conversation so you can speak for your loved ones, when they can't, & you won't be in turmoil with a decision... It would be their wishes, & you will be proud to speak up.

I love and miss you more than life itself, Mom. Every day without you is painful. Thank you for always loving me. I LOVE YOU. ♡♡♡♡"

So, let me share just a few of the AWESOME comments I received that really touched me and meant a lot today:

• I know today is hard for you. Take comfort in the fact that you did the absolute right thing at the right time because you DID have that difficult talk with your mom. Her unconditional love for you allowed her to be at peace, without you having to make those decisions. I'm here if you need to talk. Love you much!
• I share your advocacy story with everyone I talk to. I will make sure my final wishes will be known as well. I believe it is very important and a powerful message. I would do everything in my power to fulfill those requests for someone, regardless of my personal feelings. Thank you so much for sharing!
• Thinking of you this day. Prayers for comfort
• Love and hugs. She would be so proud of you and your accomplishments and to know you use your voice to make the world a better place.
• God Bless. Not a single day passes w/out thinking of my pops who died wayyy too early. Im thankful The Man Upstairs allowed him as much time as He did. I like to think of it as a Blessing. Im sure the same could be said of your mom. She raised a heck of child.
• Hugs, kisses & lots of love for you. You're right... Speaking for your loved ones in a time of need like that means so much to them. It's a peace of mind that everyone should have. Hang in there, mama certainly broke the mold with you!
• I still say a prayer for her. I know she was a beautiful woman because she left you in her place. I luv you so much. 
• Bless you Melinda. Your Mom is waiting for you in heaven! She must have been a really wonderful person to have raised such a wonderful, giving back, pool loving, assisting friends, overall big-hearted daughter! You are special. So was your mom. 
• Sending hugs your way. I'm thankful that you have the strength to share that message with us. Even through your pain you're helping so many others. 

18 Leadership Principles by Colin Powell

The framework of Retired General Colin Powell’s leadership philosophy rests on 18 lessons/principles that is mentioned often in literature all around the world:

Deeming these 18 principles to be extremely important, and applicable in nearly every leader’s work, I am hereby including them all:

1. “Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off.”
2. “The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”
3. “Don’t be buffaloed by experts and elites. Experts often possess more data than judgment. Elites can become so inbred that they produce hemophiliacs who bleed to death as soon as they are nicked by the real world.”
4. “Don’t be afraid to challenge the pros, even in their own backyard.”
5. “Never neglect details. When everyone’s mind is dulled or distracted the leader must be doubly vigilant.”
6. “You don’t know what you can get away with until you try.”
7. “Keep looking below surface appearances. Don’t shrink from doing so (just) because you might not like what you find.”
8. “Organization doesn’t really accomplish anything. Plans don’t accomplish anything, either. Theories of management don’t much matter. Endeavors succeed or fail because of the people involved. Only by attracting the best people will you accomplish great deeds.”
9. “Organization charts and fancy titles count for next to nothing.”
10. “Never let your ego get so close to your position that when your position goes, your ego goes with it.”
11. “Fit no stereotypes. Don’t chase the latest management fads. The situation dictates which approach best accomplishes the team’s mission.”
12. “Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.”
13. Powell’s Rules for Picking People: “Look for intelligence and judgment and, most critically, a capacity to anticipate, to see around corners. Also look for loyalty, integrity, a high energy drive, a balanced ego and the drive to get things done.”
14. “Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt, to offer a solution everybody can understand.” (borrowed from Michael Korda)
15. “Use the formula P=40 to 70, in which P stands for the probability of success and the numbers indicate the percentage of information acquired. Once the information is in the 40 to 70 range, go with your gut.”
16. “The commander in the field is always right and the rear echelon is wrong, unless proved otherwise.”
17. “Have fun in your command. Don’t always run at a breakneck pace. Take leave when you’ve earned it: Spend time with your families. Corollary: Surround yourself with people who take their work seriously, but not themselves, those who work hard and play hard.”
18. “Command is lonely.”

The (new) Love of Nature

I adore that part of my love of life is the love of the outdoors.  Yet, it's shocking to me that those feelings evaded me for over 20 years.

I grew up on weekends in the Texas Hill Country, along the Frio River, from the time I was a cute little tomboy of 8-years-old into my teens up until 18-years-old. My Mom and I (and eventually my Step-Dad) would go camping there almost every other weekend for over 10 years.

That's when I was surrounded all the time by the beauty of the outdoors.  However, the conditions you grow up in, you don't really reflect on them or realize how important they are in your life, until later in life. 

I didn't have appreciation for the outdoors until I got older; until I missed it; until I remembered it again.

I starting working in my career right out of college in San Antonio.  While I moved to Jacksonville, FL for 2 years in the late 1990s, I still didn't really venture out into the outdoors.  Then I moved to the DFW-area and didn't really do much outdoor things as well for the next 15 years.

I think there are many, many reasons why I didn't venture outdoors for the last 25 years:

• my passion in life was an indoor sport, so I was normally in a pool room on the weekends, not even thinking about fishing or hiking or camping.
• my boyfriends over the years in my 20s and 30s were not from the country and not into "outdoor things."
• I didn't have kids, as I think many families go camping together.
• I didn't even own any camping gear or a fishing pole.
• and I moved away from the most familiar outdoor place I would have gone to easily:  the Texas Hill Country.

While I still loved sunsets and adored animals and nature, I just didn't contemplate doing things outdoors such as hiking or camping.

As I look back, I sure wish I did.  That was a lot of wasted years indoors! 

I finally "noticed" the outdoors again just last in the last few years.

I stepped away from playing so much pool, went camping a few times a couple of years ago, and started to exercise more by hiking and walking.  Last year I starting to scope out parks and hiking spots in North Texas where I could simply take in the outdoors and all it's beauty.  Like, walking along lakes, hiking along streams, fishing spots, etc etc etc.  Turns out there are A LOT of great parks and lakes in the area that I can visit and be in awe with nature!  I have written about a few already (like Eagle Mountain Lake).  But there are SO MANY around here, wow!  Not to mention so many more not IN the area. 

I even went camping and fishing along the Frio River last year and it was amazing!  Had a fab time with the familiarity and lots of history flooding into my heart and soul those few solo days.

It saddens me that I "forgot" my appreciation for the outdoors all those years.  But, my circumstances in life kinda of led me to that.  I'm just glad I realized it again!   I am very thankful to have been reminded how much I adore the outdoors and it's reinvigorated my passion and love for it.  It brings me such peace and happiness.

I'm such a blessed person to have grown up surrounded by the beauty on nature.  Nothing can take away my memories.... and the new ones I'm making outdoors taking in the sweetness of nature around me.

Acceptance of Aging

"Acceptance" is probably the biggest thing for me right now in my life.

Why now?

Well, because I'm at that age where things are starting to fall apart.  lol.  And, I cant do anything about it!

Trust me - I've tried. 

I've bought a shit-ton of different types of creams and "magic solutions" to hide my new large pores, pills to make my hair grow, plethora of un-satisified new/magical foundation is spread all over my bathroom counter tops, and dog-eared pages in magazines are scattered across my house for potential solutions to all these newly discovered aging "things."

Instead of being depressed about all these new aging things though, I've decided the better (oooh, smarter!) thing to do to keep me from wallowing is to be in a place to "accept."  It's not a place I want to be honestly, but it's actually a very good spot to be for my mind.... almost spiritually.

As is always a good reminder -

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

So, what are some of these age-denying/defying things I am trying to accept?  Well, let's see:

• Accepted my metabolism has slowed down to a crawl  (and yet I hear it eventually will stop - more fun times ahead lol.  not).
• Accepted my pores had widened to the size of the Mississippi River all of a sudden  (I swear there weren't there on my nose before).
• Accepted my face gets shiny by the end of the day  (never did that before - why am I so shiny now?).
• Accepted mood swings are in full force (sucks to go from happy to sad for no reason.  Thank you pre-menopause).
• Accepted I prolly wont ever get a full night of sleep ever again (who needs sleep - oh wait, where's my 8 hours?!)
• Accepted parts of my body sag where they didn't sag before (I've now got handbags in certain areas under my clothes).
• Accepted I may or may not get my period (but always must be prepared just in case).
• Accepted I know now what I look like with jowls ($#%^*(@$#!).
• Accepted it's tougher to get out of bed and that I walk a lot slower when I have to pee in the middle of the night (even though my bladder would prefer I run, my body just isn't as nimble and quick as it used to be).
• Accepted my hair just doesn't seem to grow anymore (I should just stop wasting money on the vitamins that aren't working for that).
• Accepted eyelids droop over my eyeballs (eventually I wont be able to see.  Oh, and my eyelids are no longer the same shape or size on my face).
• Accepted arms wave a lot more now (not quite sure I have fully accepted this but I still wear sleeveless shirts anyway lol waving hello and goodbye to people).

Like my neighbor who is 70 said to me this week, "no matter how many times I walk at the mall with my husband, I can't lose weight anymore."

I remember when I was a 30, a 65-year-old guy was barely eating any food at all for lunch and quipped, "even if I eat a little I still can't lose weight at this age."

My female friends in their 50s and 60s say they cannot get rid of the "weird" tummy that formed on their once-slim bodies, no matter what they do.

They also tell me they could care less if they ever had sex again or not.  Say it isn't so!

I admit I have been sitting at home pretty upset at all these changes that literally occurred over just a few months time period.  That in itself is shocking, honestly:  that's a lot of different changes to take in at once.  But.... I finally figured out the amazing feeling of "acceptance" and have held my jowled, pored face up a little higher since then.

Sure, I can get botox (already do - who doesn't?) and I could exercise more for some of the things I mentioned, but most are things we just have to accept as we age.  And it's a HUGE adjustment.  Get ready!  It's not easy or pretty.  And I have a feeling in my mid 50s I'll be sharing MORE age-related nuances I will be finding out in 10 years.

While it's tough to share these things, I wish I knew I'd be going through them all, so I'm sharing for others.  I knew metabolism would be an issue as we age, but all these face skin changes were a shock for me.

Hope this helps one person as they reach their mid to late 40s as well.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Thank you for visiting me in my dreams often and saying hello!  I hope you have a great great birthday in Heaven!

I love you, buttercup.

Who Are You At Your Funeral?

Everyone talks a lot about how much money they wish they could make. And if they don't talk about it, they probably think about it.

However one of my friends made a very enlightening comment to me about money and death. He said he was at the funeral of rich man and when people came up to the microphone to talk about the gentleman, they didn't talk about his wealth or how much money he made or how many toys he bought. Instead what people talked about was his character and what a great guy he was.  You would never have known sitting in the audience how wealthy the man was.

"I was at a funeral a long time ago where the description of a certain persons' life represented huge triumph’s, helping others, selflessness, etc.  He was also extremely well to do, but that was not mentioned nor even remembered.  Rather the impact he left behind on the world. "

I think it's a very amazing and interesting point he shared with me. Because you see, the person that told me this is actually a wealthy man himself. And he would rather be remembered and talked about for who he was and how he treated people, rather than how much money he made.

Obviously affecting others’ lives positively and making a difference is more important to us individually than how large our bank account is or what car we drive.

What’s even more interesting to me about his thoughts about this is, I wonder if the thoughts crossed his mind because he now has money?  I don’t have a lot of money and this has never, ever crossed my mind. Or, is it that I've never thought about what people might say at my funeral about me? Or, was he impressed at that funeral how much the guy had touched so many lives, even though his wealth wasn't mentioned?

Either way. Something to think about..... your impact to those around you.

Down Before Up

While I don't finish reading many books, I do start them, lol.  And some of the most highly recommended have all started out very similar from the different authors:

They were at the depths of depression... yet, not even any further down to go - they were at the last depths, barely even surviving or living, or wanting to live.  For years, usually not getting out of bed or in some halfway house full of despair and loss for life.

Then all of a sudden something happened to them and their thoughts.  And those "new" and inspiring thoughts turned their lives around, and now the lives of others as they write about their new found way of thinking.  Passing it on to others via word of mouth at first, then public speaking, then to the books I tried to read.

Both stories started out the same, even though the result was also the same ("inner peace" is what I will call it).  And while each concept to get to inner peace was remarkably different, the point is they started out for a very long time at the depths of despair and then somehow climbed out with calmness and peacefulness, reaching through the cobwebs of depression to bring them on this new path of thought. 

I felt this way recently.  While not quite super depressed like I have been in the past (clinically depressed), I was having a miserable time a couple of weeks ago.  Laying in bed crying and unhappy.  I know part of the reason is due to being pre-menopausal, it was still almost paralyzing.

And then, I read a few things from my phone that kinda changed my thinking.  And while I can't recall exactly what I read (some articles about recovery, tho), it made me think differently.  And then I all of a sudden decided to climb out of bed and go do what I love to do.  And not let outside influences affect my great life, and go and enjoy the great life I have.

My depths were not as deep as the authors obviously, but I too noticed a HUGE difference after that "down to up."  I was more talkative to strangers, laughed more, funnier on Facebook, making jokes with people I didn't know, being more friendly.

I really LIKED that person in me.

Usually she only comes out at the poker table, where I feel like I'm "in my element" (comfy), but this time I was in Vegas having fun and joking and making others smile (which in turn made me smile of course).  I was talking and laughing and smiling more to the dealers and waiters.  I don't know where this person was before - I haven't really seen her in many years.  Don't even remember what she looked like honestly.  But, I loved the way she FELT!

Because I don't get out much I don't get to see this side of me/her, I've noticed I need to "remember" I can actually laugh and smile.  Sometimes even force a smile at work when I'm tired - because just last week I was all personality.  I can still be that person even when tired, right?  While not an extrovert naturally, it is in me.

I hope she isn't going away.  I really liked that about me/her and had so much fun!  And those around me were smiling and laughing, too!  It made me so happy!

August, Ugh

While I mentioned back in Feb that that month out of the year is a difficult month for me, it's not actually the toughest for me.  August is actually the toughest.

And here I sit, on this first day of August, thinking about what lies ahead of me:  My Mom's birthday (August 6th) and my Mom's deathdate (August 19th).

It's amazing to me how much this woman meant to me and how much my life became paralyzed because of my deep love for her.

I'd like to look at August as this:  if my Mom hadn't been born this month, then I wouldn't have been born!  So, I should look at this month as a GOOD month.  While I will try, I can tell you that come August 6th and 19th, I will not be myself at all.

Whatever "my self" is nowadays.