Christmastime in New York as a Child

My Mom's parents lived in upstate New York.  My Mom and I went there for Christmas every year or so from about 1977 until my Grandfather passed in 1981.

It's the times in your life like these as child that you remember.  We don't usually remember the every day things at that age (I was 7 to 10 years old during this time), but the times that were memorable were the ones out of the norm and special.  And being in a place with a TON of snow and very cold in a tiny house with an even colder basement, made for great memories for this little girl from Texas.

Upstate New York is where the mountains are and all the trees - way away from city life or the hustle and bustle.

My Grandparents' house in the small city of Gloversville, NY had a large back yard, and it nestled up to a forest.  There were no fences or anything like that - back then you didn't keep your neighbors away like today.

There were a few trees right near the house, but then that large area until you came upon the forest.  It was so very pretty - just a very large area of beautifully white, crisp untouched snow.

My Grandpa was lucky.

You see, my Grandpa and I put carrots out for the reindeer on the back porch.  Then my Mom and he would tuck me in the night before Christmas.  I would ask about Santa and the reindeer and wondered how Santa would know I was in Gloversville, NY and not in San Antonio, TX and would he find me to drop off my gifts?  I was very concerned, as you can imagine.

Because some of the trees were close to the house, the wind would make the branches sway and they would scratch the roof.  My Grandpa and I would look up at the ceiling toward the noise, and he would tell me I better go to sleep as the "reindeer" were already trying to get on the roof and if I was awake I wouldn't get any gifts.  Altho it seems like I stayed wide awake excited for a long time looking at the ceiling, snuggled tightly under the warm blankets, I fell asleep really quickly actually.

Grandpa was lucky those trees were so close to the house!  Or else I'd have stayed up and ruined Santa's surprises.

Then in the morning, I would see that Santa did indeed find me in New York somehow!

Grandpa and I would eventually put on our warm slippers and big coats and inch slowly out the back door to see if the carrots were still there.

The reindeer had eaten them all!  And I could see the footprints in the snow of the reindeer all the way to and from the forest!

I was happy, mesmerized and giddy with excitement every time I saw that for those years.

Grandpa again got lucky - it was prolly rabbits or something from the forest.  As a child, I didn't study the footprints well enough to figure that out, lol.

I love having these memories of the white snow for miles on end, solid lakes Mom and I would skate/slide across in our boots, feeding apples to the cold horses, and the "reindeer" who came to eat the carrots.

Christmastime in New York as a child.  Yep, I was the lucky one.

I'm Still 12 Years Old and 20 Years Old

Sometimes, I feel like I'm still 12 years old.

I feel like a little kid because I still get hurt over stupid things that I think that I shouldn't get bothered about because I'm an adult.

But age doesn't seem to help our feelings.  We still feel like a 12 year old when we don't get a gift on special occasions from someone we care about (for example).  We still feel the same emotions when we aren't appreciated and the deep heart-felt pain we experienced as a child still rears it's ugly head.

Sure, I'm more mature (thank God), but I also have the same feelings as a 12 year old at times.  And I don't know why.

Could be that only-child syndrome I have (I think that's only partly the reason).  Or, maybe it's really because I just haven't figured out yet how to build thicker skin, how to not have expectations, or not to be bothered by non-appreciative people.  I shouldn't blame them for not being considerate - after all it's either a trait you have or don't have.

I am also surprised that I hurt like 20 year old.  Even though I'm 45+ years old. 

Specifically, I am surprised that I still get hurt in relationships. 

I think people are of the assumption that as they age, they should change in regards to hurtful acts.  But, nothing changes. 

Chicks (no matter 20 years old or 45 years old) still get hurt when a guy stops talking to them, or when a guy treats them badly.  We don't accept the hurtful situations any easier as we age - we still feel like a 20 year old would hurt.

And yet I don't understand why. 

You'd think eventually we wouldn't care or wouldn't let things bother us.  But, we do.  We are human.  We have feelings.  We still have the same heart as that 20 year old girl from so long ago.

I am lucky and thankful (well, the guy should be thankful, lol) that I am more mature in how I handle a guy being insensitive, distant and hurtful.  I used to be the psycho girlfriend, text 100 times a day, get mad all the time, send crappy texts because I was hurt, etc.  At least now I don't react like a 20 year old.  But I still hurt like one.

12 years old or 20 years old or 45+ years old.  Hurt doesn't lessen as we age.

The Natural Party Planner Friend

I have recognized recently over the years that if we are lucky enough to have a friend who is a thoughtful, natural party planner person, then when birthdays or events happen in our lives, they are the ones who plan or surprise us with balloons, gifts, cake, card, or parties, etc etc.

There is a female friend among a large group of women pool players that is this exact person.  When she is on your league team, when birthdays come around for her teammates you see photos on Facebook of the celebration of balloons and bags of gifts and cakes.  On other teams, a birthday may come and go and no one does anything.  Not because no on cares, but because no one of the team is a natural party planner person like this certain person is.

When she change teams, I noticed after she left that her previous team no longer had birthday parties or a smattering of gift bags for the birthdays anymore of her ex teammates.  The thoughtful parties were all because of her initiative.

I don't know there are so few of people like her with this awesome trait, but we are all very thankful when we have someone like her in our lives.  She happens to be the one who also put together the Celebration of Life for my Mom.  She put together and planned the entire afternoon get together for friends, dinner, dedicated table for my Mom, etc for me.  I am SO thankful she did that in honor of my Mom who SO deserved that.  I didn't have the strength or mental energy to even get out of bed after she passed.

I have another friend at work who is the natural party planner person, as well.  When our birthdays come around, she makes sure that something is done for us or buys us a card that the group has signed.

I try and be a thoughtful friend and do things for others, but I am not the natural party person.  I am more thoughtful as time has gone on, for sure.  But have not been at their level at all my whole life.

It's sometimes tough to remember during times we wish people would do things for us, that we may not have one of those awesome natural party planners as a close friend.  I fall into this group of people who get disappointed, so I need to remember not everyone is this type of person.

For the times we DO have them in our lives, they have made us feel wonderful because they make us feel appreciated and thought of.  They themselves may be the only natural party person in their life.  So, don't forget to do something for them.

Will I Have Help?

Yesterday I visited my friend Dave in the hospital.  He's been there a week now.  He jokes to the nurses I'm his Guardian Angel.  I have been by his side for the last year and a half through his bouts of cancer.

Then in the afternoon I took a different friend to the hospital for an out-patient procedure.  He's 73 and lost his wife last year.  There was a complication with the procedure and it was an additional 4 hours than expected.  I didn't mind - I took the whole day off for him, so I was in no rush to be anywhere and the priority was that he was safe.  But he felt bad it took so much longer than anticipated.

When I took him home, his pain meds wouldn't be ready at the pharmacy for another hour.  By this time, it was dark outside and he can't really drive in the dark, much less also in pain.  So, I dropped him off at his house and then waited in the store until his meds were ready and dropped them off to him at his house an hour later.

He told me I was an Angel.

He said he had just got off the phone with a friend and was just telling him about me being an Angel.

I smiled as I hugged him and he went back in the comfort of his home with his pain meds and I walked to my car, almost crying.

I am very grateful to help people.  I think my Mom and Dads would be very proud of me for helping others who are in need.  I am helpful to others after all because of them :) 

But, it is normal for me to wonder if I will have help when I need it.  Not having family or anyone close by makes one wonder when the time comes, will someone step up, someone like me, and help me?  I don't do any of these things to hope for future help at all.  I just do them, well, because that's who I am.

But I am scared.

No family, no roommate, no boyfriend, no nothing.  I "hear" friends say they would be there for me, but that hasn't happened very often and so it all just makes me sad.  But I am also hopeful that I will indeed somehow have help, if and when that times arrives.

I have learned to ask for help more, even though it pains my heart to do so.  And I will do all I can myself until the need arises for help.  My neighbors help me a lot - even drove me to my colonoscopy.  Was hard to ask someone to help like that who is just a neighbor, but... I had no one else.

I hope I just go quickly some day.  And not when I'm elderly.  Way before elderly or super sick is my internal wish for my lonesome self.  

Don't fret.  I'm not sitting awake at night holding my legs in the fetal position crying over the future unknowns.  But when you site in a waiting room full of people over 70 years old who can barely walk with their walker, makes one hopeful you will have a caring friend by your side during times of need.

Death by Dryer

I almost died.

I was about 10 years old, playing hide-n-seek down the street from my house with neighborhood kids.  There was a broken dryer on the side of the driveway of the house we were playing around.

As everyone ran to hide, I was smart and saw the dryer.  I opened the door, climbed in, and hid.

No one will find me here.

And no one did!  I almost died because of it. 

After 30 minutes or so goes by, I heard no sounds nor my friends.  No one was looking for me (or couldn't find me) and I guess they all moved on to play something else.  Not sure.

I then tried to get out of the dryer.  Door didn't open.

Door couldn't open from the inside!

I was cramped in this round barrel inside this now-stuffy, tight space, breathing hard because my anxiety and heart was racing.  I was locked in!

I started to bang on the door. 

I heard no one!

I then banged on the metal sides from inside the dryer.  I was frantic!

I couldn't hear anyone around on the outside and I was locked in a space that seemed to get smaller, as my legs started to hurt from the weird position I put my small child-body in to hide in the perfect spot.

As I banged and cried out some more, what seemed like 10 minutes or more (to a child that's about 3 hours), all of a sudden I heard a few bangs and then the door flew open!  I crawled out like lightning!  I then saw a really small child, maybe 4 years old, and she was standing there with her blankee, eyes real big, looking at this person crawl out of the broken dryer SAVED!  She had hit the latch on the door to make it open and she saved my life!

I don't know if this child would even remember or think of this life-saving act later in her life, but I have thought of it (for some reason) numerous times in mine.

I realize now I wouldn't have died in that dryer - I now know they have vents, lol.  But it was really  cramped in there and I was SUPER scared.

But, I was saved!

Cleburne State Park

Took a visit to Cleburne State Park (in Cleburne, Texas) on Sunday (fantastic weather for a December day!).

This park visit was special - it concludes my goal to visit one new park every month of 2017.  SO EXCITED!  What a cool goal I made - might be my fave :)

Here is the traditional collage.  BTW, loved this park - and there are so many MORE trails I can venture!  Excited to come back.

Feel the Whisper

Ran across these words today from my real Dad who sent me this in an email:

Look not so far away, Listen intently, Feel the whisper.  Those who love you the most are with you in everything you do and wish for.

Love

Dad

Timing is perfect.  Last thing I see during tough times is feeling like others care.

I sure do miss my Dad.  ;(