Turns out he was diagnosed with an immature personality (and something else that I can't recall) and that's why he was discharged from the air force.
My Mom and I never knew this information, though, during the 25 years of dealing with his verbal abuse. To find out he wasn't really an asshole, he was just born that way with some mental issues and that the meds he was on exacerbated his anger, really made my Mom and I feel better. As weird as that sounds, lol.
I guess it's a relief to find out someone is mean because of their mental wiring, not because they chose to be mean.
Don't get me wrong - my Dad was also a very GREAT man and had many amazing qualities you wish for in a Dad. He just didn't know how to control his anger.
Every time I watch Evil Lives Here, (a show that documents family members who lived with a family member who was demented and evil and caused havoc on their lives and others), I am reminded how tough my childhood was, and that others also went through hellacious childhoods (much, much worse than mine for sure).
I don't think often about that part of my childhood. Sometimes it comes up maybe in conversation, but I don't worry about it or think about it or let it affect me.
What I DO do though is I just try not to be that person. Being raised in a verbally abusive household, it was only natural for me to become the same way. I hate that person in me, and when I ever raise my voice, I get really upset at myself after for it. I've tried to work on it for YEARs and have come a REALLY long way. I am proud of myself for this self reflection and realization.
It helped that I had great people in my life that miraculously helped me overcome becoming a verbal abuser. Whether a boyfriend who made calm comments, an ex husband who helped me not yell at waiters, to my friend June who helped my self-esteem, to the leadership at my work.... they all played an integral role in helping me not be a daily or responsive verbal abuser.
I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them. And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.
I never have regrets about anything in my life. I don't even look back and wish he didn't treat my Mom and I badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it. I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood. It was just the way I lived. He didn't know any better. He had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we all survived it. :)
So, while the title might say "Following in the Foot Steps You Choose," I didn't even know I shouldn't be a verbal abuser until others helped me see otherwise. Of course, I fully agree my personality allowed me to not blow off the help/words from friends, and to instead embrace the reality that verbal abuse is wrong and I can work on that in myself.
So, while I "chose" the decision, it was one brought to my attention for over 10-15 years, and then I finally was able to control it. Yes, it took that long to tame.
I guess it's a relief to find out someone is mean because of their mental wiring, not because they chose to be mean.
Don't get me wrong - my Dad was also a very GREAT man and had many amazing qualities you wish for in a Dad. He just didn't know how to control his anger.
Every time I watch Evil Lives Here, (a show that documents family members who lived with a family member who was demented and evil and caused havoc on their lives and others), I am reminded how tough my childhood was, and that others also went through hellacious childhoods (much, much worse than mine for sure).
I don't think often about that part of my childhood. Sometimes it comes up maybe in conversation, but I don't worry about it or think about it or let it affect me.
What I DO do though is I just try not to be that person. Being raised in a verbally abusive household, it was only natural for me to become the same way. I hate that person in me, and when I ever raise my voice, I get really upset at myself after for it. I've tried to work on it for YEARs and have come a REALLY long way. I am proud of myself for this self reflection and realization.
It helped that I had great people in my life that miraculously helped me overcome becoming a verbal abuser. Whether a boyfriend who made calm comments, an ex husband who helped me not yell at waiters, to my friend June who helped my self-esteem, to the leadership at my work.... they all played an integral role in helping me not be a daily or responsive verbal abuser.
I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them. And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.
I never have regrets about anything in my life. I don't even look back and wish he didn't treat my Mom and I badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it. I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood. It was just the way I lived. He didn't know any better. He had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we all survived it. :)
So, while the title might say "Following in the Foot Steps You Choose," I didn't even know I shouldn't be a verbal abuser until others helped me see otherwise. Of course, I fully agree my personality allowed me to not blow off the help/words from friends, and to instead embrace the reality that verbal abuse is wrong and I can work on that in myself.
So, while I "chose" the decision, it was one brought to my attention for over 10-15 years, and then I finally was able to control it. Yes, it took that long to tame.
2 comments:
Another insightful, deeply introspective entry. You are a tremendous role model. We can all learn so much from you and your insight. Thanks.
You are too kind. But thank you! I learn from your posts as well, when you blog, also.
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