I would look at her dismayed and in shock, and ask her, "Well what the hell am I?"
I really feel like I was a blessing in her life. I turned out to be one hell of a woman, caring friend, loving daughter, successful, didn't get into (too much) trouble, was a great kid, went to college, etc. Yet she still wasn't proud of anything in her life. Even when I stood in front of her, pointing to myself as proof of her own success.
Maybe she really was talking about her marriages or her work or something like that. But she never went into detail, she was just sad about her life.
But I know she was a very successful mother who created the woman I see in the mirror every morning.
When I would ask her, "What about me?" She would just shake your head and tell me,"Oh, you brought yourself up" in a very snappy, determined voice.
I sometimes think she really believed I somehow raised myself.
She was my world; she was my everything; and the love between us was unimaginable (still is, even after her death).
I think she felt bad that I didn't have a better upbringing. But we don't really think about the bad times as a child in our upbringing, do we? We just think of the good/fun times. I loved my childhood. I don't know why she was so worried about it for me.
My Mom was an alcoholic, but she became 20+ years sober, and should have been VERY proud of that fact, too!
She was ashamed that she got divorced in the mid '70s. Back then, divorce was looked down upon, so that's why when she got married a second time, she stayed with my stepdad and never got out of that situation because of the shame of "another divorce" she would lament. And although he was verbally abusive, I know that she did still love him and he loved her with all his might.
My Mom was successful in life not by the definitions of society; but by the definition of her daughter.
2 comments:
Very insightful. Despite the successful child she bore, your mom perhaps was overwhelmed with the thought that she hadn't made her "mark" on society, on this Earth. You, Melinda, are in stark contrast to your mother in so many respects. When you get old and frail, when you begin to "see the end," you reflect on your life and your accomplishments. You can't help but wonder how people -- friends, relatives and associates -- will remember you. Some people worry so much that they go overboard with tombstones and memorials. But if you've ever visited an old graveyard (Oakland Cemetery in Dallas is a good example), you will realize how fleeting our time is here on Earth. Incredibly ornate, carved headstones are nestled in among stands of trees. Many are pushed over. Other have their words worn away by wind, rain and time. All for what? Be happy that your friends and family remember you well, because in the span of a few short generations, no one will remember.
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