Airfield Falls

Walked this gem on Tuesday.  Located right in Fort Worth along the Trinity River, I recommend Airfield Falls.

Highs were near 90, sun was bright, and it was a fabulous day for a long, brisk walk!

The Rise of AI Makes Emotional Intelligence More Important

Cool and powerful little leadership article.  Good reminders of being relevant and what to focus on in the future.

I recommend this short read, and also the short video embedded in the piece as well.

The article focuses on the growth of artificial intelligence (AI) and ALSO the importance of human added value through emotional intelligence (EI). The intersection of AI and EI is an important one, and we should prepare to and be aware of our important roles in the future, that others may not be cognizant of.

It's Not Just a Ladder (video)

Following in the Foot Steps You Choose

It was a relief when I found out through therapy in my mid 30s that my Dad (stepDad since I was 11) wasn't "just" a jerk, but that he had issues, some mental issues.  Further, because he was on ativan (a medicine), that heightened his anxiety, moods, anger, and paranoia.

Turns out he was diagnosed with an immature personality (and something else that I can't recall) and that's why he was discharged from the air force. 

My Mom and I never knew this information, though, during the 25 years of dealing with his verbal abuse.  To find out he wasn't really an asshole, he was just born that way with some mental issues and that the meds he was on exacerbated his anger, really made my Mom and I feel better.  As weird as that sounds, lol.

I guess it's a relief to find out someone is mean because of their mental wiring, not because they chose to be mean.

Don't get me wrong - my Dad was also a very GREAT man and had many amazing qualities you wish for in a Dad.  He just didn't know how to control his anger.

Every time I watch Evil Lives Here, (a show that documents family members who lived with a family member who was demented and evil and caused havoc on their lives and others), I am reminded how tough my childhood was, and that others also went through hellacious childhoods (much, much worse than mine for sure).

I don't think often about that part of my childhood.  Sometimes it comes up maybe in conversation, but I don't worry about it or think about it or let it affect me.

What I DO do though is I just try not to be that person.  Being raised in a verbally abusive household, it was only natural for me to become the same way.  I hate that person in me, and when I ever raise my voice, I get really upset at myself after for it.  I've tried to work on it for YEARs and have come a REALLY long way.  I am proud of myself for this self reflection and realization.

It helped that I had great people in my life that miraculously helped me overcome becoming a verbal abuser.  Whether a boyfriend who made calm comments, an ex husband who helped me not yell at waiters, to my friend June who helped my self-esteem, to the leadership at my work.... they all played an integral role in helping me not be a daily or responsive verbal abuser.

I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them.  And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.

I never have regrets about anything in my life.  I don't even look back and wish he didn't treat my Mom and I badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it.  I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood.  It was just the way I lived.  He didn't know any better.  He had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we all survived it.  :)  

So, while the title might say "Following in the Foot Steps You Choose," I didn't even know I shouldn't be a verbal abuser until others helped me see otherwise.  Of course, I fully agree my personality allowed me to not blow off the help/words from friends, and to instead embrace the reality that verbal abuse is wrong and I can work on that in myself.

So, while I "chose" the decision, it was one brought to my attention for over 10-15 years, and then I finally was able to control it.  Yes, it took that long to tame.

My Successful Mom

It always disappointed me when my Mom would be sad about her life, because she thought she hadn't accomplished anything.

I would look at her dismayed and in shock, and ask her, "Well what the hell am I?"

I really feel like I was a blessing in her life.  I turned out to be one hell of a woman, caring friend, loving daughter, successful, didn't get into (too much) trouble, was a great kid, went to college, etc. Yet she still wasn't proud of anything in her life.  Even when I stood in front of her, pointing to myself as proof of her own success.

Maybe she really was talking about her marriages or her work or something like that.  But she never went into detail, she was just sad about her life.

But I know she was a very successful mother who created the woman I see in the mirror every morning.

When I would ask her, "What about me?"  She would just shake your head and tell me,"Oh, you brought yourself up" in a very snappy, determined voice.

I sometimes think she really believed I somehow raised myself.

She was my world; she was my everything; and the love between us was unimaginable (still is, even after her death).

I think she felt bad that I didn't have a better upbringing.  But we don't really think about the bad times as a child in our upbringing, do we?  We just think of the good/fun times.   I loved my childhood.  I don't know why she was so worried about it for me.

My Mom was an alcoholic, but she became 20+ years sober, and should have been VERY proud of that fact, too!

She was ashamed that she got divorced in the mid '70s.  Back then, divorce was looked down upon, so that's why when she got married a second time, she stayed with my stepdad and never got out of that situation because of the shame of "another divorce" she would lament.  And although he was verbally abusive, I know that she did still love him and he loved her with all his might.

My Mom was successful in life not by the definitions of society; but by the definition of her daughter.

Fort Worth Nature Center & Refuge

Finally got to visit the Fort Worth Nature Center & Refuge!

I expected more walking trails, but I only took one trail before Lily got tired.  There are more to take in the "prairie" areas, that I will do some day without Lily, so I'm not slowed down and can explore even more!

We walked along the marsh and parts of the Trinity and it was so cool to walk the ENTIRE time with water next to us!

Here is the traditional collage: