The Love For Socks

I've been a giver my whole life.  Not sure who that came from in my family, but it's who I am - I buy gifts for people all the time.

So imagine how excited I was a few years ago when a friend shared that she keeps packages of socks in her car for when she sees the homeless.

I admit, before her suggestion, when I saw a homeless person I imagined them standing at a street corner, holding a cardboard sign and wanting money for booze.  But, she made an excellent point that they prolly have tired feet, old socks, and prolly don't wash them very often.  Further, in the winter they can be used as gloves to warm their hands.

So, I started to carry packages of socks in my car.

I have given out packages many, many numerous times and I really do stock them up in my car.  And just this past winter, I had a couple of friends witness the "sock exchange."

It was kinda of ironic, but I had two friends get in my car at different times, and they each asked me, "why do you have socks in your car?" as they climbed into my car and tried to make room in between the socks   I explained to both Dana and Karen that I give them to the homeless.

On the EXACT same day they each asked me about the socks, we saw a homeless person and they were able to witness the pure joy from the person receiving the gift.

Dana and I saw a guy standing at a corner with his sign within prolly only 10 minutes of her asking me about the socks.  I rolled down my window, asked her to grab the package, and then I held the socks out my window for him.  As soon as he saw what we were giving him, he literally started to DANCE towards the car!

If I had to describe the dance, it would be like this:

Dana and I were both moved beyond words for the rest of the weekend.  He was so overjoyed and kept telling us "thank you, thank you" and "God Bless You."  It truly made his day :)

A month or so later, my friend Karen asked me the same thing about the socks and that very day, we stopped by Walgreens that night and there was a guy outside asking for money.  As we got back in my car, I pulled up over to him and we rolled down our window and handed him a package of socks.  He was also VERY grateful.  He must have said "God Bless You!" a 100 times!  He was SO excited.

To give socks away is a small little gift we can do for others.  But I admit, I think the effect it had on being witnessed by Dana and Karen will be with my friends forever.  The gratitude from these two guys from /just/ SOCKS was truly a sight to witness.

A month later I saw a guy with a small sign at a very remote intersection, where I had never seen anyone before.  Seemed very out of the way for a homeless guy.  I passed him up, and then turned around to hand him the socks.  He could barely walk.  His legs were barely working and his shoes were tore up.  It broke my heart to see him hobble, but his eyes lit up with such happiness with the small gift that we take for granted.  He was also very grateful and couldn't say thank you enough!

I now look for opportunities to hand over this previous gift.  And because they have been so receptive and grateful of the socks, I view them as not just panhandlers, but people who need help with even little things.

Questions That Could Change Your Life

Saw this list of questions, where it says the inspiring questions below could change your life.   "Who said that there had to be an absolute answer for each and every question? Sometimes the ability to ask yourself questions’ an act to challenge yourself and help you to be a better person. Try the following questions that may change your life."

Thought it'd be cool to answer them.

Would be interesting to have answered them when I was deeply grieving the couple of years after my Mom passed.  However, I know from experience that even through depression, I am still grateful if I open my eyes through the tears.  I'd like to see what my answers would be every 5 years.

1. Are you doing what you truly want to do?  Yes, 100%.  I am blessed that I love my job and also get to enjoy life on my terms.
2. Do you have a dream to follow?  I'm already living it - running a big tour and loving my career.
3. Are you proud of what you’re doing or what you’ve done?  Yes.  Absolutely. 
4. How many promises have you made and how many of them have you fulfilled?  I only use the word "promise" if I can fulfill it.  Otherwise, I just don't say it.  So, yes I have fulfilled all.
5. What’s the one thing you really want to do but have never done so, and why?  Not sure there is something I've never done before that I wanted to.  Do more outdoor things is all I really wish I would do more.  Why not more? - Time (and excuses).
6. Have you ever failed anyone who you loved or loved you?   My Mom always wanted me to get my Masters degree.  She prolly thought I failed her for not doing that.
7. Will you take a shot if the chance of failure and success is 50-50?  Yes.
8. If you could travel to the past in a time machine, what advice would you give to the 6-year-old you?  At 6 I may not remember what I would tell myself.  I guess it would be to not worry so much about things you can't control like you will do a lot in your life.
9. Will you break the rules because of something/someone you care about?  Yes.
10. Have you ever abandoned a creative idea that you believed because others thought you were a fool?  Nope
11. What would you prefer? Stable but boring works or interesting works with lots of workload?  The latter.
12. Are you afraid of making mistakes even though there’s no punishments at all?  No.
13. If you would clone yourself, which of your characteristics you wouldn’t want to be cloned?  Lack of willpower.
14. What’s the difference between you and most of the other people?  Well, this is the toughest question so far.  I think I have a beautiful heart.  I think others are more forgiving, tho.  I love growing and maturing.  The honest difference is I live my life as I wish and I know others don't get to do that. 
15. Are you making some influences on the world or constantly being influenced by the world?  Making influences.
16. The thing you cried for last time, does it matter to you now or will it matter to you 5 years later?  Wont matter at all.
17. Is there anything you can’t let go of but you know you should?  How fast is seems like I'm aging.
18. Do you remember anyone you hated 10 years ago? Does it matter now?  'Hate' is another word I don't usually use.  So, I don't think so.  Guess it doesn't matter now if I did. 
19. Which makes you happier, to forgive someone or to hate someone forever?  Happier?  Hmm... I don't hate anyone, but it's tough for me to forgive. 
20. What are you worrying about and what’s the difference if you stop worrying about it?  My weight.  I'd prolly be happier not worrying about it.
21. If you’d die now, would you have any regrets?  NONE.
22. Which one would you prefer, having a luxurious trip alone or having a picnic with people you love?  The latter.
23. Who do you admire and why?  People that live life to the fullest.
24. Is there anyone who inspired you and made you who you are today?  June Hager Walter.
25. What’s the thing you’re most satisfied with?  That I use my tough learning experiences to help others.
26. When was the last time you laughed and what did you laugh at?  My dog Lily being way too smart for herself.
27. Are you doing anything which makes you and people around you happy?  I surprise people with gifts.  If they share on FB they want something, and I happen to see that, then I surprise them by buying it for them.  Sometimes it's for people I barely know.
28. Is there anyone who you love or loves you?  Yes, a few dear friends. 
29. When was the last time you really talked with your parents/family?  A week before my Dad passed, a week before my Mom passed.
30. If happiness is a currency, how rich do you think you are?  Abundant!
31. If today’d be the end of the world, what’d you do?  I first typed out that I would make a few very important phone calls.  But, honestly, I would want my last words to be to the people I care about most, and to let them know why they mean so much to me. 

Guess I'm doing well.  :)

What about you?

Only Child - The Back Story

I do kind of profess a lot that I am an only child.   I say it all the time, especially when I'm trying to explain why I might be more selfish than most people or try to explain why maybe I seek accolades.  It's part of the only-child-syndrome.

But I'm actually not technically an only child.

I came home from college one weekend when I was about 20 or 21, and my Mom had been drinking and she was kind of arguing with my Step Dad about telling me something important and that "she needs to know!"

I vividly recall her saying something to him like, "well she has to know in case he shows up at the door some day."

Course I don't know who she's talking about and I had no clue the words that were about to be uttered from her mouth into my brain.

What I found out on this sunny afternoon was that I actually have a half brother.  I have brother somewhere who's probably anywhere from 2 to 6 years older and that he was given up when my Mom was in her late teens.

Because I was 20 or so when I heard this, I was very excited!  Oh My God I have a brother!  I was an only child for so long it was really cool the idea that I would have a brother! 

Reflecting back, I can definitely say that if I was in my younger teens or a child, I probably would not have been very excited to hear I had a brother.  The reason I say that is because when you are an only child, you the most important being in the household (well, we think we are lol) and you get all the attention, you get all the gifts, everything revolves around, and you don't have to share anything. So I'm pretty sure that I would have felt extreme jealously and hurt and would have been scared to hear that I had a half-brother if I had learned of him 5-10 years younger.

But when you're older, you're pretty excited about it.

However, I've never met my brother and I don't know his name, I don't know who adopted him, if he's still alive, knows he has a sister, etc.  I don't know anything about him.

I asked my Mom if she ever wanted to find him and her exact words to me were very painful and she said, "I'm too ashamed as a person to even try to find him."

She wasn't very happy about her life and she didn't want him to see her for who she was or turned out to be.

He was given up in the '60s when back then obviously you weren't supposed to have a child if you weren't married.  She "visited" her sister on an Air Force Base in Crete, Greece one summer to have the child so no other family members or friends would find out the family's "terrible secret."  A Military couple adopted him right after he was born. 

After seeing some things on TV stories and stuff I just hope he realizes he was given up because she wasn't married, not because she didn't love him.  My Mom didn't have a choice with her options - back then you didn't have a child out of wedlock. 

And then she ended up having an amazing, beautiful, loving, daughter... just kidding.  She did have a great daughter and her and I had this AMAAAAAZING bond. 

I hardly ever brought up my brother to my Mom.  I think maybe we talked about him literally twice.  It was just something we didn't talk about again, especially after she told me she was too ashamed to look for him.

And now that my Mom is passed, I could look him up.  I tried to find out the year she was in Crete (that's when she met my Dad), but didn't find the info.  But, I think it's best that I keep her wish even in her death.

Curious Beast

I'm one of those people who is always curious.  If you look up the Myers-Briggs personality trait chart thingy, one of the traits of my personality is that I'm always nosy or curious.  I ask a ton questions because I'm a curious beast.

However, because I'm strongly curious, when someone is evasive yet trying to share something with me, I usually ask for even more details lol.  Not because I share anyone's business, just because I'm curious.  I've been this way my whole entire life.

Some people really don't like it, but it's who I am. 

I'm actually one of those people that can keep a secret and never tell anyone else about their demons or secrets or sacred thoughts or activities going on in their lives.  I pride myself on the fact I am a trustworthy friend.  But, that doesn't mean I'm not nosy lol.  I am simply, well, curious about things.  Well, every thing.

However, I remember distinctly about six or seven years ago a co-worker who was who was on the verge of retiring shared with me that sometimes it makes the other person feel uncomfortable to ask nosy questions.  It can be seen as a sign of disrespect, she was trying to explain.  You would think after hearing her words that it would help me or lean me towards not asking as many questions.  But, alas, I'm still a curious person.  Since it's part of my personality, I'm not going to beat myself up over the fact that I'm a curious person and it's just who I am.

I'm /such/ a curious person that it actually always baffles me when others aren't lol.  But, that is THEIR personality trait - to not be curious.

But when I share something with someone and then they don't ask me any details, I wonder why they don't want to know more.  Let's say I hint that I'm seeing someone.  And my friend I'm confiding in doesn't ask me who.  I walk away thinking, how could they not ask who?  Or, if someone shares something at work about a co-worker, and another person isn't even curious which co-worker they are talking about, I don't understand.  "Why didn't you ask who it was?" I'll ask intrigued and down right frustrated we now don't know who it was who got in trouble (as example).  But, it's just not in their personality to be curious or care for those details.

These are just the facts of different personalities, based on the Myers-Briggs studies and others.  So, I hope others don't get upset I might ask a lot of question or seem overly curious - just who I am.  And, I am aware that being curious helps me learn and be a better person, friend, coworker because I learn so much from others.

I actually deeply feel that Myers-Briggs should be taught in middle school and high school.  I didn't know anything about Myers-Briggs until a leadership class 10 years into my career.

I think that studying Myers-Briggs would be very helpful to a lot of families. Teenagers and parents would understand each other, friends would understand friends better, coworkers would understand co-workers better, etc.  It helps so much in all aspects of all relationships.

Mother's Day Selfishness

Really disappointed in myself already this week.

I stayed in town this past weekend for Mother's Day instead of fleeing the state like I normally do.  It was the FIRST weekend I stayed in town at home since my dear, lovely Mom has passed 4 1/2 years ago.

And it was BRUTAL.

I did survive (whew!), but I sure wish I was anywhere else but in town near the house I shared with my Mom during Mother's Day weekend.

But, I'm disappointed because I became a hermit.

I even deactivated Facebook for the first time in my life last weekend.  I seriously could not handle all the posts about Mom's.  It was too much for my heart.

I got a few texts, which was nice, but I didn't respond to any of them until Monday morning.  One friend, she asked me where I was and why I didn't respond, I replied, "I wasn't talking to anyone until this morning."

But, I'm more so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't there for my friends who were having a tough time on Mother's Day, too.
 
I pride myself in using the trials and tribulations in my life to help others.  And that did not happen this past weekend.  Instead of reaching out to others who were in pain, I was selfish.  And I hate that in me.  I hate that's who I was this past weekend.  But, I embarrassingly admit I was barely surviving.

A few friends who have lost their Moms last year, it was their first Mother's Day without their Mom.  Instead of sending them thoughtful, understanding, loving notes on their Facebook posts, I was nowhere to be found.  I wasn't there for them. 

And, while I made it through the weekend, the hermit in me still lingering (dang it).  A couple of friends wanted to talk last night, and I just couldn't yet get up enough energy or fight to even talk yet or try to be there for someone else right now.  I feel SO badly about it.  But, I am still depressed trying to get out of the fog from the sad feelings from the tough weekend.  And when I am depressed, I just don't want to talk to anyone.  I only care to hear from and respond to the one person that can make me smile, otherwise, I just turn into a hermit and recluse, and hide from the world. 

I miss my Mom more than anything.  I know that means that I have deep love for her, but it's almost unfathomable how much her death still affects me and paralyzes me at times.

I keep hearing how others can relate.  Can you?  To have no family left, no roommate, no siblings, no no one, can you really relate to that?  Tired of people comparing their life to mine and saying they understand when unless you are standing in my worn-out shoes of life, please.just.don't.

Anyway, hoping the fog of depression lifts soon.  It's felt SOOO nice to smile and actually be happy this year, and I hope for it's triumphant return any day now!  And, then, I can go back to being there and helping others.

Don't Recline That Airline Seat...

I'm the type of person who never reclines their seat back on an airplane.

I think it's rude to actually push that little round button on the side of my arm rest and then lean back into the back of my seat and make it go back further into the space of the person behind me.

I already feel that there's so little room around a plane seat that it's not even fathomable for me to do that.  No matter how uncomfortable I might be in that cramped seat, I refuse to ever lean my seat back.  I just don't want the stranger behind me to feel even more uncomfortable.

So, because I am a typical human who disillusion-ally thinks everyone should have the same expectations, I do tend to get agitated with the person in front of me who adjusts their seat back right at me.

Every once in awhile they will turn around and look behind them to see if someone is "back there."  But we all know they saw us as they took their seat.  Or, they know from the announcements that the flight is full already.  Yet, they still turn around like an apology turnaround of, "hey I'm sorry I just put my seat back."

Did you notice that?  They don't do it BEFORE they push the button, they do it afterwards.  But, most don't turn around at all. 

And of course I always enjoy the ones who slam their seats back, instead of gently.  At least gently I can prepare for the smaller space that's about to encroach on me.  I usually have one of my legs crossed so when their back seat leans into me, it causes me to jump stealth-like and move my knees before they get squished.  Or, I grab my tablet just in the nick of time as it tries to get knocked off the small plastic table above my knees.

I know they are just trying to get comfortable in the small seats, but although this may sound rude, I kinda wish none of the seats were reclinable.  What a joy for all that would be.  :)

Oh! And seems in my row, the two people next to me always have people in front of them who don't recline their seat.  But my airline mate in front of me - every time has to adjust backwards into my lap.

Fun times!

But, at least the person behind me wont feel confined to a smaller space as I sit upright for them.  I'm obliged to help!  Just simple consideration.  :)