Selfishness

Being selfish is a tough road to travel on.

Although I am selfish, I would still do anything for my loved ones.  I actually think of them first whenever I decide to do something, or when I'm at the store and see things they may want. 

(hmm... maybe I'm not that selfish after all?)

However, because I'm selfish, this means when someone doesn't think of me in certain situations, it affects me more.  Twisted thing, huh?  A weird catch 22.

But more so, it hurts when a loved is a certain kind of selfish.  I put them first, but yet I don't even rank high on their list.  I don't even cross their mind when (to me) it's obvious I should at certain times.

I admit that no one can know what selfish acts hurt me.  I admit it's my own mind (and heart) deciding what selfish acts hurt the most.  Others may not even be thinking their actions are selfish.

But it hurts when my world revolves around them and yet they barely even think of me and my needs. 

This hurts deep;  deep to the core.

It hurts deep enough to make me cry myself to sleep at night.

I try to rationalize - Do I just give too much?  Are my expectations too high?  What?

If my loved ones don't think of me or put me first, it can bother me, yea. But it's when I see the times it's so obvious I should have been considered or included that hurt the most. Those are the times it hurts my heart. 

I guess because no matter how selfish I am, I would still never do those type of things.

Although my loved ones are selfish, I can relate to their selfish actions because I too am selfish.  I don't judge them or get upset at them.  I understand, because I can be the same way.  Selfish people understand when others do certain daily selfish things. 

But I canNOT relate to hurting others so deeply when they make certain selfish choices. 

I guess we all have our own thermometer.

What level of selfishness can we handle?

I know mine -

• when I personally feel I was neglected, or
• not thought of during certain decisions they made, or 
• when they choose to do something that I should have been included, or 
• not considered when it's so obvious I should have been

...those are my gauges.  

Those are the ones that hurt the most.

Is Your Signifcant Other Affecting Others?

A friend of mine used to insert her foot in her mouth all the time.  However, what she didn't know was, when she did it to the likes of me over 15 years ago, my low self esteem couldn't handle it.

Sure, she didn't mean to be that way.

Her close friends defended her.  "She's just that way, hahaha.  It's funny how often she does that."

Huh?

She was hurting me!

So, why should I put up with someone who always spoke with their foot in their mouth?  Why should I be friends with someone who hurt me all the time?

Sure, it was really MY reaction and I couldn't control my low self esteem thoughts process.  But, it still hurt back then. 

It was a huge step for me to stop talking to her.  Yep, instead of facing the situation, I simply quit talking to her.

She did live in another city, so I didn't run into her but 5-10 times a year.

Fast forward 5 years or so, and I run into her again.  I say my hello's back, but I don't engage in conversation with her.  I hear through the grapevine she got a divorce.  Then I hear she found a new guy, and they got married.

Fast forward 5 more years and I decide that the people I chose to stop talking to, that I should become mature and at least be friendly instead of standoffish.  Let's face it, avoiding people and not talking to someone is a lot harder on us than it is on them.

I see this woman again shortly thereafter and I engage in conversation with her.

WOW, was I impressed!

She not only was NOT talking out of turn, being rude, or inappropriate, she was NICE.  She was smart.  Listening to what she was doing now in her life, made me WANT to be around her; get to know her more.  I know admired her for HER maturity.

I made it a point to tell her the truth.  "Hey, I quit talking to you.  But, I like you now!  A LOT."

She then shared that her abruptness was from being with her ex husband.

Huh?

Really?

Although her new husband is a huge influence on her emotionally - he is extremely smart, caring, gifted, and encourages her - it was more the EX that caused her to be so immune to her crass words and lack of self pity toward her friends.  He was a rude, insensitive guy and it rubbed off on her.  What's funny about this is - I never saw this side of him - I had no idea he was like that. 

Anyway, her true self was never able to shine with him in her life.  He held back the woman I now love to talk to and be around.

She is now one of my most admired of all my friends.  I truly look up to her and SO enjoy being in her presence.

I'm pissed at her EX for holding back this beautiful, caring woman from us for so many years.

Would You Want to be You?

I love Denis Waitley's the Psychology of Winning audio tapes. But I fully admit the first 2-3 disks are my favorite so I hardly listen to the full 6 disks.

So, I found myself walking along my neighborhood last night for exercise and de-stressing (going on week 3, VERY excited for myself!) and was listening to disk 4 and heard a profound thing I don't recall from before.  The first 2-3 disks I could prolly recite to you, but this seemed new to me because I don't get through all 6 disks every year.  And it was fabulous! 

If I can recall well for you, basically, Denis Waitley asks if you were your wife, husband, best friend, daughter, boss, employee, etc., would you like yourself?  For example, would you be happy with you as your boss?

If not, obviously his advice is to change that.

But it got me thinking.  Would I like me as a girlfriend?  Would I like me as a friend?

Looking honestly:

I would really like me as a friend.  I'm supportive, there for my friends, and would do anything for them. They can also confide in me.  Further, I try to have a good time in life and take them with me on the ride!

I would really like me as a coworker.  I work well with others, get projects done, implement tough tasks, meet deadlines, and am considered one of the go-to people in my office.

I would also really like me as an employee.  My boss can count on me and I'm not only productive but a good employee who shows respect and truly cares for my duties and my customers.

That leaves two areas:  daughter and girlfriend.

While I have some great attributes to these relationships (I'm giving and responsible), I shyly and unfortunately admit I could be a better girlfriend and daughter.

I could try harder to be more understanding when I get over-emotional with my guy, and I could try to spend more quality time with my Mom.

I take care of both my b/f and Mom in certain ways, but I could take care of the relationship with them better. 

Are you a good you?  Would you want you to be your wife/husband/girlfriend/boss/friend/employee?

I think this is a very profound question.  I love it!  One that makes you look at yourself honestly. 

So, would you want to be you in your relationship with others?