Selfishness

Being selfish is a tough road to travel on.

Although I am selfish, I would still do anything for my loved ones.  I actually think of them first whenever I decide to do something, or when I'm at the store and see things they may want. 

(hmm... maybe I'm not that selfish after all?)

However, because I'm selfish, this means when someone doesn't think of me in certain situations, it affects me more.  Twisted thing, huh?  A weird catch 22.

But more so, it hurts when a loved is a certain kind of selfish.  I put them first, but yet I don't even rank high on their list.  I don't even cross their mind when (to me) it's obvious I should at certain times.

I admit that no one can know what selfish acts hurt me.  I admit it's my own mind (and heart) deciding what selfish acts hurt the most.  Others may not even be thinking their actions are selfish.

But it hurts when my world revolves around them and yet they barely even think of me and my needs. 

This hurts deep;  deep to the core.

It hurts deep enough to make me cry myself to sleep at night.

I try to rationalize - Do I just give too much?  Are my expectations too high?  What?

If my loved ones don't think of me or put me first, it can bother me, yea. But it's when I see the times it's so obvious I should have been considered or included that hurt the most. Those are the times it hurts my heart. 

I guess because no matter how selfish I am, I would still never do those type of things.

Although my loved ones are selfish, I can relate to their selfish actions because I too am selfish.  I don't judge them or get upset at them.  I understand, because I can be the same way.  Selfish people understand when others do certain daily selfish things. 

But I canNOT relate to hurting others so deeply when they make certain selfish choices. 

I guess we all have our own thermometer.

What level of selfishness can we handle?

I know mine -

• when I personally feel I was neglected, or
• not thought of during certain decisions they made, or 
• when they choose to do something that I should have been included, or 
• not considered when it's so obvious I should have been

...those are my gauges.  

Those are the ones that hurt the most.