Peacefulness in Death

Right after my friend Dave passed away in hospice on May 7th, I walked down the hallway bawling, barely able to walk, looking for a nurse.  A lady I had never seen before walked slowly towards me at the nurses station - she was unassuming, with pretty short golden hair and nice glasses.  She saw me crying, alone, and in need of a friend, and she said, "I'm a volunteer, would you like a hug?"

I grabbed her without thinking and hugged her, crying on her shoulder. She was at the right spot and perfect time when I needed someone to literally lean on.

When I'm nervous or scared, I ask questions or try and say something funny.  I had heard throughout the week, while I stayed with Dave in hospice, that after a loved one passes away, that several family members become volunteers to help out because they and their family were taken care of so well there; they like to give back.

So, when I was finally able to lean away from hugging her and could finally stop from hyperventilating, I decided to transition the focus of my sobbing to her to help my nerves.  I asked her gently, "So, I heard volunteers help out after they have lost a loved one. Who passed?"

She said, "Well I had a couple of loved ones pass, but not here."

I looked at her confused, wiping tears from my cheeks.  "What do you mean?"

She paused and confided, almost in a whisper, "I was the one who passed away."

I was like, uh, but you're right here.  

She explained cautiously, "I don't normally share with this with many people, but I strongly feel like I was meant to be here today for you.  I had brain surgery a few years ago and I died during the surgery."

Being the person I am, I asked, "OMG, did you see the light?!"

She shared, "Well, sorta.  What I saw was my family.  And friends.  And I felt so much peace when I died.  That's why I volunteer here at hospice, to try and assure family members that their loved ones are at peace when they pass and everything will be okay and you will see them again."

I was STUNNED.  I told her (tears started to flow again) that yep, I, too, now felt she was meant to be there, to help me out in a time of need. 

I could not believe the story she told me.  I had heard something similar from someone else before who also had died and came back, who experienced the peacefulness when dying.  But I had not even thought about it at all because Dave had literally just passed away and my mind was reeling, my heart was breaking, and I was a complete mess.

Marylyn normally doesn't volunteer on Mondays.  She goes on Fridays.  This day was a Monday.  There were so many signs that she was meant to be there on that day because I needed a friend in a desperate time.  What she said to me was at the perfect time; and a great reminder about life, death, and peace.

She stayed with me for the next hour while I called friends about Dave.  I wouldn't go back into his room, so she stood by my side in the large, warm, welcoming, hallway, held my hand, wiped away tears, even handed me a poem she had written - she had just a single one left over, ironically.  

I can't begin to express how important it was for me to see her that day and hear that story right after Dave passed.  And I think it's important to share this with others, too.

Bring Back the Peace!

Sometimes in life we lose our focus.

If we are lucky, we get reminded what our focus used to be or what we want/need it to be.

I have changed over the last few years.  Wanted peace.  But going through life things, I forgot that's what makes me the most happy.

My friend Robin mentioned this quote, "Seek peace and pursue it."

She said sometimes she needs to pretend like she has blinders on, so we aren't distracted by things that are negative, bring us down, derail our peace, etc.

It was a great reminder.

I definitely had lost my focus.  It was okay.... because I was doing things for others, but I am most happy when striving for and keeping peace on the forefront.  And for some reason, I forgot that.

I feel a tad embarrassed about that, but in reality, I was depressed and stressed, and those things can distract us from what makes us happy any way.

Just glad for the reminder so I can start to focus back on PEACE. Hopefully that will help me from grieving too badly over Dave, too.

Being Prepared, As Much As We Can Be

I wrote back in early March that my friend was dying.  At the time no one had any idea when his time to head to Heaven would come, but it is more imminent now.

He is on Hospice.  Not IN hospice.  But hospice is now coming to his apartment and trying to help him out with meds and checking in on him.

He is falling more.  His memory is real bad.  His eyesight and hearing are going.  He still drives (although that may not be the case soon) - he even went to a movie last night.  We talk every day.  Talking to him and seeing him, one would not even remotely think he's so sick.

But the Hospice nurse told me he has about a month. Dave thinks maybe a month or two left.  Several people who have knowledge of brain cancer say when the time comes, it will be a very fast process.

I became his Medical Power of Attorney today.  We signed the papers in front of a notary and his friend Wes is the alternate.

Dave still acts like Dave, just slower and a bit confused.  He is ready to try experimental drugs on his brain cancer.  As he told me today, "Of course I want to try - cancer has killed too many people."

We wont know til next week if that option is even an option.

I have no worries at the moment.  I feel he is in God's hands.  And those ON Earth have prepared to help him.  He even got baptized last Sunday.  He has been attending church with Wes and Wes'  family.

To know the end is near is not something I can comprehend for him, though.  I can't begin to imagine what he's gong through - to know and be aware you are dying, how does one handle that??  I'd personally want to spend my last days somehow fishing while drunk or drugged up - doing something outdoors yet trying to alter my mind so I didn't think about what was about to happen to me.

I admire Dave's strength.  He's become my best friend over the last two years.  He's been so strong for so long.

One of my friends, Courtney told me, "I am very sorry to hear this about Dave. But you know what....Dave got to experience something a lot of people may never experience.  He had an angel on Earth looking out for him......you are truly wonderful for everything that you do for people. Your heart is very beautiful."

Her words made me cry.  Deeply.  But, I am just blessed to even be in a position to be able to help Dave.  That's how I look at it.

What started out as simply raising money for him, has led to where we are today:  I'm his voice for when he can't speak; I'm his advocate; I'm his friend.  Everything happens for a reason and I sure do love that this has worked out for Dave to have help/support from Wes, me, nurses, doctors, etc.   

As weird as it sounds, I feel experienced and ready.  I did this for my Dad, for my Mom, and now Dave.  I know for a fact had I not been there for my parents and been through all that comes with death, I wouldn't be ready for what is about to come and for the decisions I'm about to have to make for Dave.

But, I am prepared.  Dave is prepared.  God is ready, too.

That Male Neighbor

When I was a kid, maybe around 11 years old, I was helping a male neighbor with some yard work in his front yard. I grew up in San Antonio as an only child and the weather was nice most of the year to be outdoors and so I'm sure I was out playing outside and then started to help him with something. I don't recall what. And that's not the point of this story anyway.

I don't remember his name, don't even remember him all that much except for this one particular incident.

Of course, I was just a child back then and don't recall exactly the man's age (prolly in his late 30s or early 40s?), his name, if he had a family, not much at all. I don't think he had kids, though. Can't recall a wife or not. I just remember this white guy and this certain day.  Other than this certain day, I have no other recollection of him, honestly.

So, I'm this little naïve girl helping him with something in the yard and I think he said he was going indoors (maybe for a snack or lunch?) and I asked him if I could go in too.

He replied words that I didn't comprehend as a child, and didn't really think of till years and years later after I moved away from home. Actually, it's not something that crosses my mind often, although it prolly should.

He told me something along the lines of, "You are a little girl and I'm a grown man. It's not proper for you to be alone in a house with a male that you barely know."

I had no clue what he really meant. I wasn't even remotely old enough to understand the true depth of his words, I just said, "okay' and trotted back to my house to play in my yard. I had no clue how impactful his words and advice really were.

As I reflect back, WOW how amazing and smart this guy was for me/him. He barely knew me. I barely new him. I was just this little girl who played outside a lot.

Eventually a family would move in later who became very quiet and I never really saw outdoors. I recall them living in that same house for all my teen years.

I was lucky that that man didn't take advantage of the situation or me. I am very blessed he was cognizant of what that situation could even look like for us.

It was a split second moment in time for me/him. I didn't understand or grasp what he said at the time, but now I recognize how powerful his words were way back then. I hope that moment had crossed his mind as well. He should be thanked, and he should feel good about himself for handling that situation like he did.

One of the reasons this hits home with me, is this was over 35 years ago. Who was thinking that way back near 1980? Back then we were all so much more trusting. Hitchhiking with no worries, trusting almost anyone, etc. Even as I started this blog post, many reading it in today's world may have thought I was going to share a traumatic story, instead of this bright path, right?

To fathom the depth of the maturity of him and that situation is pretty cool.

I'm Scared of Monkeys

I think we all have something we are scared of.  Maybe for you it's heights, snakes, midgets, dogs, or spiders, etc.  My "frightener" is monkeys.

I don't think they are cute, and I don't want to be around them, and I don't have an appreciation for them.  Esp the small ones - they are the scariest to me!

I have a friend who was bit by a dog when she was little and she is literally petrified of dogs who roam free and come anywhere near her.  PETRIFIED.

Well, I'm not really petrified of monkeys, mostly because they don't roam free.  But, I def don't like them and I def don't see them as cute.

When I was little girl at the San Antonio zoo, I climb my cute butt over the fence to grab a few pieces of the food for the monkeys that were on the cement between their cage and some bushes.  The bushes were meant as a guard so we couldn't touch or reach their cages.  Well, I realize that now lol.  But as a small child, I didn't have any change to buy their food from the gumball-looking contraption and instead I saw the food over there on the ground for free.  Hey, I was a child, don't judge!  lol.

As I slipped from the eyes of my Mom, and climbed that fence (it was a short and metal fence, but sturdy), I got by the bushes, picked up the quarter-sized snack and BAM!  A dang monkey grabbed my arm hard!  I swung my head around to see what was grabbing me and omg I was terrified!  Our eyes were fixated on each other and I jerked back as hard as I could to try and break free from this killing creature.  After what seemed like 5 minutes, I was finally able to escape his grasp!  I then jumped back over the fence like I was an Olympic hurdler in first place.  I was scared, shaking, heart racing, wait - petrified!

I have never forgotten that day.  And so of course now I don't think monkeys are cute... at all.

Dang, I was just trying to gather food for them - to give back to them. 

Since then, when I go to zoos I barely look at the killers, I mean monkeys.  Gorillas are okay, orangutans are fine and even a little funny.  I'll check them out.  But their ancestors, the crazy-ass monkeys.  Not interested.  I'm still SCARED!

Becoming a Friend

My friend is dying.

We don't know when he will pass or any timeline, but he went from being cancer free from esophageal cancer/surgery, to tumors in his brain in a 9 month period.

Don't get me wrong, he's not in hospice or anything.  He drives himself to Walmart or to his doc appointments, picks up his favorite ice cream or soup, so he's not on a physical deathbed.  But he's on a mental deathbed.

What started out as me helping raise money for him, has led to good a friendship.  He calls me his guardian angel.  He tells me I improved his quality of life.  And all I've really done is be there for him in the hospital (everyone needs an advocate), been a listening ear to his thoughts (whether daily routine thoughts or worrisome thoughts), and a few times I have paid a phone bill or did his laundry when he was too exhausted to get to the laundry mat.  I am the first person he calls if he has been admitted to the hospital.  I am his friend.  And he is dying.

I am not the only friend who helps him.  Two of his friends, Wes and Courtney, have also been there for him many, many times as well.  Dave calls us the "Dream Team."

He tells me all the time, "I've lived a great life, Melinda."  And he firmly believes it.  Which I admire.

He sometimes makes jokes about dying, but I can imagine he sits in his efficiency apartment and doesn't joke to himself about it.

Dave used to live out of his car for about 10 years.  Some would call that being homeless, but he didn't label it - he just saw it as his life for the last 10 years.  Being in the hospital with cancer in 2017, led to social workers helping him find a place to live, and also led them to help him sign up for a small social security check every month.  He hasn't had a regular income in YEARS.  His only income the last 10 years was from playing pool either in tournaments or gambling.

But he's still lived a great life.  Has lived in Ohio and Texas and Florida.  He worked for the railroad company for about 10 years in the 70s before he realized he could make a ton more money playing pool.  He's been all around, knows a ton of people, seen a lot.

And my friend is dying.

Again, no way to know when the end will come (well, for anyone, right?), could be one year from now for him or could be 3 months.  Only God knows when he will call him up.

He says things like, "That movie Annihilation came out.  I was hoping I'd still be alive to see it and here I am."  Or, as we pick out two 12-packs of his favorite shakes, "Do I really need that many shakes?  I don't know if I'll be alive in 24 days."

He's not living like he's dying, though, which is a really good thing.  If he had more stamina, he'd play pool every day like usual; now he only plays every once in a while.  But he still goes to the movie theater, still checks out sales on clothes at JC Penny, runs his own errands, etc.  You'd never really know he has brain cancer unless you were told - he walks around like every normal person and takes care of himself.

I have told him I want to be by his side when he passes; I don't want him to be alone.  He said he would understand if it's too tough to watch him die, but the only hand he wants to be holding is mine.

I am honored to be this person for him.  HONORED.  It would be my privilege.

Sure, it will be tough.  But I truly believe since I was by my Mom's side when she passed, I will have the strength and knowledge to be there for Dave when his time comes.

My friend is dying.  Did I mention that?

Here we are back in July 2017 at a tournament I was running when he got in my photo when I was trying to take selfie lol:

The Effects of Not Having Children

This is a story about a woman who didn't want kids.  And the potential impact to others.

I grew up an only child.  Was never really around other kids, especially never around babies.

I was told my whole life that at some point my motherly instincts would kick in very loudly and I'd magically want to have kids.  Still waiting!  Never happened.  Not once.  Not even a smidgeon.  Is there really a loud boom?

So when I dated a guy in my 20s for 5 1/2 years, I knew the whole time I didn't want to have kids.  At the end of our relationship when we finally talked having kids (TIP - talk about it sooner!), I told him I didn't want to.  He was a tad upset wasting all that time with me.  But his other response was sweet: Yes, I  want to have kids, but I want to have kids with you.  Sweet or not, the boom still wasn't there.  At that I point, even with all the other issues we were having, we were done.

I couldn't give him what he wanted.  And he should go find a woman he loved who wanted kids as much as he did.

My next boyfriend I was with for 7 years.  We talked about kids much sooner.  I was very straight forward:  You want kids, don't date me.  I can't tell you if I will or wont want kids some day, but I can tell you right now I do not.  

I knew I couldn't tell the future, so I had to leave some smidgeon of an out if I did some day hear that boom to have kids.  

He responded very kindly:  I'd rather be with you and no kids, than not with you.  We eventually married, then divorced.  No kids.

My point of this jaunt down memory lane really isn't about me.  It's about these two guys.  One spent 5 1/2 year with me in his 20s, wasting his time with a woman who didn't want to have children.  The other spent 7 years of his life in his 30s being in the same non-boom boat with me.  

Both of these men today still do not have kids (even after 10-20 years).  

I wonder if I "stole" their prime years to meet someone who they could have had kids with? 

Now, I've stated before I have no regrets in life (still stand by that belief, as I believe everything happens for a reason).  If they each went on to meet a great woman and have kids, I'd feel quite different about these wonderments.  But neither did.  Each had a subsequent long term relationship after me, and each didn't have kids still.  One eventually married and "gained" a family with about 4 children and I just know he's on cloud nine!  But each of these men never had kids of their own.

Did I stop them from having kids after me?  Well, hardly.  Could they have found a great woman to have kids with?  I'm sure.

I guess just wasn't in the cards for them.  And no boom for me.  

I sense we are all very happy people still running around on earth, not disgruntled or depressed or suicidal we didn't have kids.  But, it's still pretty wild thoughts I thought of the other day and wanted to capture in words in my blog.   

Not Just An Ordinary Trip to the Store

I'm a firm believer in several things, including these two items:  Everything happens for a reason and sometimes I like my patience to be tested to see how I'll react.

Both of the beliefs came up today.

I posted this on my social media account just in June, let me just copy/paste it here:

I actually look forward to long lines, stuck in traffic, having situations happen that alter my plans for the day. Why? Because I like to see how positive I react to them lately! :) I like NOT getting upset or frustrated over stuff I can't control. I like being tested to see how far I've come to not get frustrated and ticked off over things that used to piss me off. I like being the one who smiles at the cashier and thanks them working, when everyone else in line is upset. I like realizing I'm okay with the crappy driver in front of me, and not let it ruin my day. I like that I don't overreact over bad customers at stores, or crappy people on the phone. It definitely makes for a less stressful day when I am less stressed. 

Today, this was tested.  I sneezed on the way to work.  So what, right?  I was then held up driving into the parking garage because some guy sat there for 5 minutes trying to get in.  He eventually backed up, but almost hit me, as I honked my horn to let him know I was still behind him waiting for his action, but not to where he'd hit me trying to get out of the way lol.

As I got out of my car in the parking garage, I noticed snot was on the front of my shirt from that cute sneeze earlier.  REALLY?  I have dinner plans tonight and was hopeful I could get it off with water. 

Walking directly to the bathroom, sure the snot came off (whew) but the napkin I used in the bathroom left little white specks on the top of my left boob on my shirt.  Will this be a great dinner conversation with Dr. Belfi?

I then saw a contentious email at work as I started to go through my inbox, but did not yet reply yet (leadership rule 101 - wait to reply when upset).

I then tried to activate a new phone I received.  I called Sprint three frustrating times with no successful activation.   I was finally told I need to go to a Sprint store.  Because I have dinner plans, I couldn't wait to go after work.  Further, I was instructed to call Dr. Belfi to let her know I was at her place to escort me to the dining room, so I needed my phone to be working before this 5pm dinner.

So, I hastily, with frustration, grabbed my purse, old phone, new phone, stained shirt, and went to the Sprint store.  I hit every light.  Well, of course!  I even had to wait at one point for some big truck to lower his load before he could move out of the way for us to pass.

At this point, I'm laughing as all these hiccups keep coming at me, but inside I am PISSED I'm having to go the Sprint store and take off from work to try and get my phone activated/working.

I had already told myself, "Well, at least there's a Chic Fil A nearby and I can grab that before heading back to work."

I also prepared and told myself to smile when I walked into the Sprint store.  Don't be mad, Melinda, just be nice.  Even though I'm pissed doesn't mean I need to take it out on the innocent guy trying to work today.  I even said a little prayer to God, asking for calmness (and for my phone to get fixed easily).

As I walked in all nice and calm, I smiled and explained my issues. He did some magic and the phone was activated in 5 minutes!  I could not believe it!  If I could have hugged the stranger, I would have!  But in this #metoo atmosphere, I just gave a happy handshake.

I was ecstatic!

I then drove to Chic Fil A.  As I'm trying to drive to the line for the drive thru, I see a guy in the middle of the VERY large parking lot with a cane.  He looked around, walked a little, stopped, and then looked around again, and then slowly walked past the back of my car.

I played with my newly, finally activated phone, made a nail apt, sent a test text to a coworker, ordered my food, paid, grabbed my food and started to drive from Chic Fil A.  And there was the blind man still.  He maybe got 10 feet from where I saw him before.  And he was still kinda looking, then walking a bit, then turning, then walking a bit then stopping.

As I watched this from my now-stopped my car, I thought about how I could help and what I could do.  Could I walk with him, direct him in a certain direction?  He was obviously lost and confused, and being blind was not helping.

I drove up next to him, asked him where he was trying to go.  "Wells Fargo, next to Chic Fil A," he said very matter of factly.

I turned around in my car seat and sure enough - there was Wells Fargo about half a mile away.  I thought about "our" options for only a few seconds, then told him, "Why don't you get in the car, I'll drive you over."

He found my car with his hands and used it as a guide til he reach all the way around my car to the passenger side door and got in.  He was very thankful for the ride and I asked him jokingly but kinda serious, "You're not a murderer are you?"  Realizing the question would have had bad timing if he was, lol, since he was now already in the car.

He had a backpack on, was an older black gentlemen in his mid 50s, dressed casually.  As he shortened his cane, he thanked me again for the help. 

I then drove him to Wells Fargo.  I asked him where he was coming from, "my house on Carroll street," he replies.  Oh dear, even though that's only a block or two away, how would he get home if he got lost coming here? 

I asked, "Are you gong to be able to make it home okay?"

"Oh yes, I walked here and back just last week."

I pulled in front of Wells Fargo and parked, told him we were there.  He asked, "are we right in front of Wells Fargo?" trying to get his barring.

"Oh, I'm going to help you in," I respond.

I walked to his side of the car, I grabbed his hand that wasn't holding the cane - "is this okay?" I asked.  He said, "It's easier if you lead me with my hand on your shoulder."

Ah, yes, I can envision people walking together like this, helping a blind friend.

I then walked him through the doors and described every turn or door or step and I lead him to the counter.

I then told him to have a good day and he thanked me again.

I knew as I was driving away that I was not meant to go to the Sprint store, I was meant to help this man find his way.

Everything happens for a reason.

Jealous of Drinkers?

I went to On The Border Tuesday night.

And it was a very different visit for me.

You see, this was one of several On The Borders (OTB) that I used to go to when I was drinking.  I'm talking down 4 large margaritas at a time type drinking, over dinner.  I haven't been to OTB but one other time in the last 14 months since I stopped drinking.

I still sat in the bar area - when one goes solo it's less comfortable to sit in the bar area because there are a ton of TVs to watch while you're sitting by your lonesome, lol.

As I sat there in my booth eating chips and salsa, waiting for my enchiladas, I was watching others in the bar area.  I am very perceptive anyway, so it wasn't out of the norm for me to pay attention.

What I noticed was how many people were at the bar who knew each other.  They would smile and raise their margaritas to each other from across the way, or raise their draft beer mug to say their hellos.  Further, every new person or couple that walked in to sit down already knew the bartenders.  "Hey, how you been?!"  And catch up real quick, while the bartender started to pour their "usual."

I think it was happy hour - and I figure they were routine drinkers that go in about that time.  

I used to be one of these people.  Not a "happy hour" person, but one who routinely went to certain restaurants to drink while eating at the bar, and so I would know all the bartenders and waitresses, too.  They became my friends.  Not acquaintances you'd see at your favorite restaurants.  I mean the type of friends you see so often you eventually swap cell numbers or add them on Facebook type of friends.  Yes, that was how often I'd go - the bartenders became my friends.

So, how did I feel this night?  Was I uncomfortable, or what?

One of the fears of sobriety is that you no longer have fun.  And I can tell you I used to have that fear as well and no it's not even remotely true at all lol.  And I have found that us sober people actually have more meaningful laughs - when we laugh it's not a reactionary type of laugh because one is drinking, it's a deep-down, feel it in your tummy type of laugh.  Difficult to describe.

Anyway, first off I had no desire to order a margarita at all.  That is pretty huge for me, since I used to drink here often and abundantly.  

Secondly, as I recall now from my previous sober visit to OTB in the summer, the food wasn't as good as I remembered, lol.  I guess alcohol kinda enhances the taste or something?  I used to only have a few nibbles of rice left on my empty plate while I ordered my 3rd/4th margarita.  These last two visits I barely finished my first of two enchiladas.  (alcohol really does make you more hungry, lol).

Thirldy, I wasn't jealous of the friendships or wished I was sitting at the bar among all the "friends."  You see, my bartender friends are still my friends!  They just aren't at this restaurant.  I still go to other restaurants, sit at the bar, and gab with my bartender friends.  We have just as much fun as the drinkers I saw Tuesday night, except of course I'm not spending as much money, remember every convo, and aren't drinking and driving.  There's those cool things :)

So, no I wasn't uncomfy at all, or wished I was drinking, or even jealous they were drinking.  My thoughts were on how I wished I'd of gone with my instinct to go to a different Mexican restaurant lol because of the taste of the food.  Oh, and taking fun photos for my social media accounts:

My enchiladas were smiling at me!

Thrifty... Yet Not

I found it intriguing when I debated on buying two six-packs of Diet Pepsi last night or not.

I really struggled with the decision - at this store that was convenient on my way home, the 6-pack was about $4.35.  At Walmart or Target, they sell for as low as $2.50 or $3.00.  The idea to spend almost twice a much caused my head to spin!  Do I really want to pay that much for that difference?

I had several things going against me:  I only had one can left of Diet Pepsi at home, and I wasn't going to be near neither a Walmart or a Target anytime in the next few days or even a week prolly.

So, do I fork over the almost $2.50 each for these two non-necessities or do I just buy one and hope I get to a Walmart or Target soon, or do I be defiant in not spending almost half of what I normally do and not get them at all??

It's amazing to me I struggled with the pain to spend an extra $3.70 for two six-packs of my favorite soda, when I had just left Ross Dress for Less and spent $40 without batting an eye, lol.

But I am frugal with some things.  I never use an ATM except at my bank - don't want to be charged those unnecessary fees!  I will use paper towels over and over until they look like a dirty shirt.  I go to Dollar Tree and make out like a bandit - full cart and only spend $20!  Yet, I will also eat at a high-end steak place (Ruth's Chris is my fave) or buy 10 packages of my favorite socks (just in case they stop making them).

So, what did I do?  I struggled standing at the checkout line trying to decide... and then I finally just gave in.... and bought both six-packs  :(  They got me...and my money.

A Park with Sights Makes Me Happiest

One thing I figured out on Saturday was:  just going to a park isn't what I love.  It has to be pretty!  It has to have pretty things for me to see and feel!

Oh, and I could use water to help my happiness thermometer.  Or I need walking trails with dirt and rocks, if there is no water around.  And blue skies help, too.

But if it's a paved walking path with no beautiful water in sight, I'm not really enjoying things.  I can do a paved path if it has hills, like the one I go to that used to be a golf course.  Then it's a great work out!

But to be walking on large boring flat sidewalk with no sights to look at it, is just not for me.

I want to see water.  Seeing a lake or stream or river simply takes my breathe away.  Makes me stop in my tracks to envy and awe all the blue colors.  Makes my heart race with happiness.  I smile to myself as I hear the water streaming around rocks or splashing against a shoreline.

Even if no water, as long as there are hills and/or pretty flowers and/or dirt and rocky trail, I am happy.

But a longed paved sidewalk with no view and no hills, is just not for me.  I try not to complain or be negative, so this isn't really me complaining, it's more to share I figured out what makes me heart happiest!

Even as I reflect about searching for walking/hiking trails, if I see no water on the google map near the park, I don't investigate it's location and quickly move on to the next potential spot.

I loathed going to a park when it was cloudy two weekends ago, but I still ended up enjoying it to my surprise because the dirt trail was rugged with climbing hills and a lake in the distant.  It's more beautiful with crystal clear skies, of course, but the dirt, rocks, hills and water made for a great walking day.  See:

But this...Nope, not for me:

This?  Yes:

Cowboy Santa

I volunteered in December at Cowboy Santa!  Located near the stockyards in Fort Worth, Cowboy Santa is amazing.

In the photo below, you can see the long line of families waiting for gifts from Santa... It was shocking to see.

I helped hand out free presents to families in need.  It was heart warming to help, and yet also heart breaking to see all the families in need.  But SO thankful this volunteer establishment is helping so many kids have a great Christmas every year!!

Entrepreneur at ANY Age

Entrepreneur at ANY age. 

How about 82?

And how about for safety and saving lives.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/first-time-ces-entrepreneur-age-234500150.html

You go, Carol!

Happiness is an Inside Job

As cliché as it sounds, Happiness really is an inside job.

A few times over the last 12 months I have heard that some people think they are affecting my happiness.  Or, they think I'm looking for happiness in them.  But it confuses me because only I can provide happiness to myself, no one else.

The key, of course, is inner peace. 

Finding inner peace leads to happiness. 

Sure, some things can make us feel happier, but usually external things lead to only temporary happiness.  It's internal peace that leads to the true source of happiness.

Obviously, this isn't easy to find inner peace or even live by it on a daily basis.  But what I do know is, happiness is an inside job.

So, if you are looking for happiness in others, try looking instead in the mirror.  Dig deep within yourself, instead.  Peace provides happiness.

Everyone Handles Depression Differently

I find it so intriguing how people differ how they handle depression.

One of my friends recently went through an unexpected break up.  She was posting on Facebook that she needed to get out of the house and be around friends.  I think she even went to Seattle for New Years, and has reached out and literally "announced" she needs to be around friends and do more with people because she's depressed.

I find it so strange, lol.

Another friend of mine goes through depression during the holidays and he seems to always reach out to me when he's depressed.  "I'm sure you aren't doing well either, but know you aren't alone."

Fascinating!

The reason with I am intrigued, fascinated and find these things strange is because when I am depressed my brain acts exactly opposite.  I don't reach out to anyone and those type of thoughts don't even cross my mind.  Not even a glancing blow!

After my friends find out I had been depressed, they tell me, "Um, you know you can call me when you are depressed."

And I look at them like they are crazy, because my mind is chemically not configured to even consider reaching out when I'm depressed.

Seriously.  Nothing like the even remotely crosses my mind.  I don't reach out to people and tell them, "hey, I'm depressed."  

I try to tell my friends that my brain seriously doesn't even consider any such options.  I just keep to myself until the depression finally lifts.  I can't control any of it, honestly.  I have found reading uplifting words of encouragement helps me, but otherwise, depression kind of controls any thinking process of what I should or could be doing differently than just being... well... depressed.

I have been clinically depressed at times and luckily they are few and far between, but any type of depression I go through just doesn't lead to me reaching out.

I don't like to be depressed because I don't think about anyone.  I mean, I don't think of my own needs either, but I also don't think of my friends.  And friends who could use some pick-me-up or a vote of confidence or maybe a surprise gift or memory.

I was pretty badly depressed in September due to an accident I had, and I was pretty upset with myself after the depression lifted.  You see, I didn't reach out to any friends for their birthdays like I would normally do, I didn't reach out to them during tough days (like a deathversary), and just wasn't there for them like I normally am unexpectedly for my friends when I'm non-depressed.

I was so disappointed in myself.  I mean, most things I do for my friends are thoughtful and unexpected things, but it still made me mad at myself.  The depression got in my way to be there for them! 

But, the fact of the matter is when I am depressed my brain doesn't think straight.  And I don't think of anyone - not friends, not myself, no one.  

So, to see how others act so "outgoing" or "self-less" when they are depressed is intriguing to me, lol.

(note:  and yes, I have tried anti-depressants.  The ones I tried didn't work but I also don't want to be dependent on any drug, anyway.)

Name Calling

For some reason (that I am thankful for), I don't name call anyone.

I have been in several relationships where the guy was acting like an asshole (or was an asshole), but I never called him that.

I may have thought it, but I never told anyone to their face or via text or anything.  I have been prodded and provoked and still don't stoop to that level.  And when people do it to me, I lose all respect for them.

I am not sure why I don't name call, but again, I'm very thankful for it!

I think name calling is rude and a below-the-belt immature thing to do.  It's an insult and abusive.

I want even say the words asshole or bitch about anyone I am talking about, even if I feel that way.  I just don't name call in any shape or form.

My gut is telling me I don't name call because I did it a few times in my past (prolly arguing with a b/f while drinking in my 20s) and saw sheer anger rise from their bodies when I called them a rude name.  But I really don't remember exactly why I don't name call anyone.

I wish others were like this.  When I see or hear name calling, obviously it bothers me because it's a trait I stand by. 

Christmastime in New York as a Child

My Mom's parents lived in upstate New York.  My Mom and I went there for Christmas every year or so from about 1977 until my Grandfather passed in 1981.

It's the times in your life like these as child that you remember.  We don't usually remember the every day things at that age (I was 7 to 10 years old during this time), but the times that were memorable were the ones out of the norm and special.  And being in a place with a TON of snow and very cold in a tiny house with an even colder basement, made for great memories for this little girl from Texas.

Upstate New York is where the mountains are and all the trees - way away from city life or the hustle and bustle.

My Grandparents' house in the small city of Gloversville, NY had a large back yard, and it nestled up to a forest.  There were no fences or anything like that - back then you didn't keep your neighbors away like today.

There were a few trees right near the house, but then that large area until you came upon the forest.  It was so very pretty - just a very large area of beautifully white, crisp untouched snow.

My Grandpa was lucky.

You see, my Grandpa and I put carrots out for the reindeer on the back porch.  Then my Mom and he would tuck me in the night before Christmas.  I would ask about Santa and the reindeer and wondered how Santa would know I was in Gloversville, NY and not in San Antonio, TX and would he find me to drop off my gifts?  I was very concerned, as you can imagine.

Because some of the trees were close to the house, the wind would make the branches sway and they would scratch the roof.  My Grandpa and I would look up at the ceiling toward the noise, and he would tell me I better go to sleep as the "reindeer" were already trying to get on the roof and if I was awake I wouldn't get any gifts.  Altho it seems like I stayed wide awake excited for a long time looking at the ceiling, snuggled tightly under the warm blankets, I fell asleep really quickly actually.

Grandpa was lucky those trees were so close to the house!  Or else I'd have stayed up and ruined Santa's surprises.

Then in the morning, I would see that Santa did indeed find me in New York somehow!

Grandpa and I would eventually put on our warm slippers and big coats and inch slowly out the back door to see if the carrots were still there.

The reindeer had eaten them all!  And I could see the footprints in the snow of the reindeer all the way to and from the forest!

I was happy, mesmerized and giddy with excitement every time I saw that for those years.

Grandpa again got lucky - it was prolly rabbits or something from the forest.  As a child, I didn't study the footprints well enough to figure that out, lol.

I love having these memories of the white snow for miles on end, solid lakes Mom and I would skate/slide across in our boots, feeding apples to the cold horses, and the "reindeer" who came to eat the carrots.

Christmastime in New York as a child.  Yep, I was the lucky one.

I'm Still 12 Years Old and 20 Years Old

Sometimes, I feel like I'm still 12 years old.

I feel like a little kid because I still get hurt over stupid things that I think that I shouldn't get bothered about because I'm an adult.

But age doesn't seem to help our feelings.  We still feel like a 12 year old when we don't get a gift on special occasions from someone we care about (for example).  We still feel the same emotions when we aren't appreciated and the deep heart-felt pain we experienced as a child still rears it's ugly head.

Sure, I'm more mature (thank God), but I also have the same feelings as a 12 year old at times.  And I don't know why.

Could be that only-child syndrome I have (I think that's only partly the reason).  Or, maybe it's really because I just haven't figured out yet how to build thicker skin, how to not have expectations, or not to be bothered by non-appreciative people.  I shouldn't blame them for not being considerate - after all it's either a trait you have or don't have.

I am also surprised that I hurt like 20 year old.  Even though I'm 45+ years old. 

Specifically, I am surprised that I still get hurt in relationships. 

I think people are of the assumption that as they age, they should change in regards to hurtful acts.  But, nothing changes. 

Chicks (no matter 20 years old or 45 years old) still get hurt when a guy stops talking to them, or when a guy treats them badly.  We don't accept the hurtful situations any easier as we age - we still feel like a 20 year old would hurt.

And yet I don't understand why. 

You'd think eventually we wouldn't care or wouldn't let things bother us.  But, we do.  We are human.  We have feelings.  We still have the same heart as that 20 year old girl from so long ago.

I am lucky and thankful (well, the guy should be thankful, lol) that I am more mature in how I handle a guy being insensitive, distant and hurtful.  I used to be the psycho girlfriend, text 100 times a day, get mad all the time, send crappy texts because I was hurt, etc.  At least now I don't react like a 20 year old.  But I still hurt like one.

12 years old or 20 years old or 45+ years old.  Hurt doesn't lessen as we age.

The Natural Party Planner Friend

I have recognized recently over the years that if we are lucky enough to have a friend who is a thoughtful, natural party planner person, then when birthdays or events happen in our lives, they are the ones who plan or surprise us with balloons, gifts, cake, card, or parties, etc etc.

There is a female friend among a large group of women pool players that is this exact person.  When she is on your league team, when birthdays come around for her teammates you see photos on Facebook of the celebration of balloons and bags of gifts and cakes.  On other teams, a birthday may come and go and no one does anything.  Not because no on cares, but because no one of the team is a natural party planner person like this certain person is.

When she change teams, I noticed after she left that her previous team no longer had birthday parties or a smattering of gift bags for the birthdays anymore of her ex teammates.  The thoughtful parties were all because of her initiative.

I don't know there are so few of people like her with this awesome trait, but we are all very thankful when we have someone like her in our lives.  She happens to be the one who also put together the Celebration of Life for my Mom.  She put together and planned the entire afternoon get together for friends, dinner, dedicated table for my Mom, etc for me.  I am SO thankful she did that in honor of my Mom who SO deserved that.  I didn't have the strength or mental energy to even get out of bed after she passed.

I have another friend at work who is the natural party planner person, as well.  When our birthdays come around, she makes sure that something is done for us or buys us a card that the group has signed.

I try and be a thoughtful friend and do things for others, but I am not the natural party person.  I am more thoughtful as time has gone on, for sure.  But have not been at their level at all my whole life.

It's sometimes tough to remember during times we wish people would do things for us, that we may not have one of those awesome natural party planners as a close friend.  I fall into this group of people who get disappointed, so I need to remember not everyone is this type of person.

For the times we DO have them in our lives, they have made us feel wonderful because they make us feel appreciated and thought of.  They themselves may be the only natural party person in their life.  So, don't forget to do something for them.

Will I Have Help?

Yesterday I visited my friend Dave in the hospital.  He's been there a week now.  He jokes to the nurses I'm his Guardian Angel.  I have been by his side for the last year and a half through his bouts of cancer.

Then in the afternoon I took a different friend to the hospital for an out-patient procedure.  He's 73 and lost his wife last year.  There was a complication with the procedure and it was an additional 4 hours than expected.  I didn't mind - I took the whole day off for him, so I was in no rush to be anywhere and the priority was that he was safe.  But he felt bad it took so much longer than anticipated.

When I took him home, his pain meds wouldn't be ready at the pharmacy for another hour.  By this time, it was dark outside and he can't really drive in the dark, much less also in pain.  So, I dropped him off at his house and then waited in the store until his meds were ready and dropped them off to him at his house an hour later.

He told me I was an Angel.

He said he had just got off the phone with a friend and was just telling him about me being an Angel.

I smiled as I hugged him and he went back in the comfort of his home with his pain meds and I walked to my car, almost crying.

I am very grateful to help people.  I think my Mom and Dads would be very proud of me for helping others who are in need.  I am helpful to others after all because of them :) 

But, it is normal for me to wonder if I will have help when I need it.  Not having family or anyone close by makes one wonder when the time comes, will someone step up, someone like me, and help me?  I don't do any of these things to hope for future help at all.  I just do them, well, because that's who I am.

But I am scared.

No family, no roommate, no boyfriend, no nothing.  I "hear" friends say they would be there for me, but that hasn't happened very often and so it all just makes me sad.  But I am also hopeful that I will indeed somehow have help, if and when that times arrives.

I have learned to ask for help more, even though it pains my heart to do so.  And I will do all I can myself until the need arises for help.  My neighbors help me a lot - even drove me to my colonoscopy.  Was hard to ask someone to help like that who is just a neighbor, but... I had no one else.

I hope I just go quickly some day.  And not when I'm elderly.  Way before elderly or super sick is my internal wish for my lonesome self.  

Don't fret.  I'm not sitting awake at night holding my legs in the fetal position crying over the future unknowns.  But when you site in a waiting room full of people over 70 years old who can barely walk with their walker, makes one hopeful you will have a caring friend by your side during times of need.

Death by Dryer

I almost died.

I was about 10 years old, playing hide-n-seek down the street from my house with neighborhood kids.  There was a broken dryer on the side of the driveway of the house we were playing around.

As everyone ran to hide, I was smart and saw the dryer.  I opened the door, climbed in, and hid.

No one will find me here.

And no one did!  I almost died because of it. 

After 30 minutes or so goes by, I heard no sounds nor my friends.  No one was looking for me (or couldn't find me) and I guess they all moved on to play something else.  Not sure.

I then tried to get out of the dryer.  Door didn't open.

Door couldn't open from the inside!

I was cramped in this round barrel inside this now-stuffy, tight space, breathing hard because my anxiety and heart was racing.  I was locked in!

I started to bang on the door. 

I heard no one!

I then banged on the metal sides from inside the dryer.  I was frantic!

I couldn't hear anyone around on the outside and I was locked in a space that seemed to get smaller, as my legs started to hurt from the weird position I put my small child-body in to hide in the perfect spot.

As I banged and cried out some more, what seemed like 10 minutes or more (to a child that's about 3 hours), all of a sudden I heard a few bangs and then the door flew open!  I crawled out like lightning!  I then saw a really small child, maybe 4 years old, and she was standing there with her blankee, eyes real big, looking at this person crawl out of the broken dryer SAVED!  She had hit the latch on the door to make it open and she saved my life!

I don't know if this child would even remember or think of this life-saving act later in her life, but I have thought of it (for some reason) numerous times in mine.

I realize now I wouldn't have died in that dryer - I now know they have vents, lol.  But it was really  cramped in there and I was SUPER scared.

But, I was saved!

Cleburne State Park

Took a visit to Cleburne State Park (in Cleburne, Texas) on Sunday (fantastic weather for a December day!).

This park visit was special - it concludes my goal to visit one new park every month of 2017.  SO EXCITED!  What a cool goal I made - might be my fave :)

Here is the traditional collage.  BTW, loved this park - and there are so many MORE trails I can venture!  Excited to come back.

Feel the Whisper

Ran across these words today from my real Dad who sent me this in an email:

Look not so far away, Listen intently, Feel the whisper.  Those who love you the most are with you in everything you do and wish for.

Love

Dad

Timing is perfect.  Last thing I see during tough times is feeling like others care.

I sure do miss my Dad.  ;(

Powerful Video Clip About Diversity

I'm in awe how important and powerful this 5 minute vide clip is about how to treat others:

It's an inspirational video about belonging and inclusion from the United States Air Force Academy.

It speaks to what it looks like to champion Diversity under difficult circumstances.

Lt Gen Jay Silveria, Superintendent of the US Air Force Academy, addresses students on the use of racial slurs within dorms for the Prepartory School.  He urges anyone who cannot treat others with dignity and respect to "get out."  Story:http://bit.ly/2ftp3cV

Recovery Process

Loved this quote I read yesterday, so wanted to share.  It's spot on:

"And what's perhaps the most vital fact about alcoholism: understanding that recovery is an ongoing process. "There are many different statistics, but the bottom line is it's extremely common to need multiple quit attempts in order to quit, and also different modalities," De Filippo says. "Some people do well with meetings, some people do well with individual therapy, others do well with rehab, but it's normal for it to take more than one try. It's like anything else — you can't become good at something by just doing it once. It's something you have to keep working on."

Feelings 100%

I was talking to a therapist-type person today and something hit me like a bolt of lightning. 

While I comprehend that drinking masks our problems or issues temporarily, it is still a go-to reason to drink and helps with not thinking about our issues, even for a little bit.

It just not dawned on me, though, that this past year sober I have dealt with all my issues myself.  Ie, without alcohol.  And quite honestly, that's tough.

While I have had a really good year, there has been a few REALLY bad times and I am experiencing all of those feelings 100%.... without blurring the feelings (even temporarily) with alcohol.

Not drinking is an exceptional thing for me, but it also means these rough patches are actually hitting me harder than usual because I'm not replacing/masking/hiding them with drinking.  Instead, I'm feeling every emotion and thought and heartache very true and raw, without any disturbance (drinking).

I need to stop being so rough on myself when I get depressed.  I'm dealing with it without any mind altering effects.  And, quite honestly that's tough.  And new for me.

But, I'm up for the task!

I'm just glad I had this enlightening moment today about this.  I think it will help me during the holidays - a really rough part of every year for me.

365 Days Ago

Today is a pretty badass day.

When woke up this morning, it's been exactly one year since I had alcohol.

I can't even express all the benefits that this choice has garnered me!

But let me state some ofof t most impactful benefits:

My memory has improved significantly, my productivity at work has soared, I'm sleeping better, I'm saving money like crazy, I have more meaningful, memorable and ever-present conversations with my dear friends, I have more energy (that's why I've been walking in so many parks this past year) and I'm overall so much happier.

People have told me often this past year I look very happy (happier than they've seen me in a long time), and now you know the reason why - because I made this important decision 365 days ago.

Pretty freaking proud of myself!!

Grief Affected My Job

I don't have any regrets in life.  But I do have some learning experiences that I wish I knew sooner.

I grieved for my Mom for about 5 years.  In the middle of that, I had two bad relationships.  What that caused me was depression on-going that I could not get out of, for all those years.

And while I *thought* I was okay at home (because I was always going out all the time), at work I was not.  In other words, I became a hermit at work.  Grieving in my office, depressed from the loss of my Mom, being hungover from going out, or trying to handle these broken relationships.

At work, I kept to myself.  I stopped smiling at coworkers, wouldn't attend meetings, wouldn't even lift my head to make eye contact if I passed someone in the hallway.  I kept to myself in my own little shell in my office. I was depressed, unengaging, not happy at all.  It showed in meetings that I barely attended and as I walked past people - it was like I became the ghost.

I became the person no one wanted to be around.  Heck, I don't blame them!  I was such a tough person to be around.  I was just so dang sad and unhappy.

Although away from work I felt happy around my friends and going out a lot, let's face it, I wasn't happy there either.  Alcohol made me think I was having fun and being happy, but I still woke up depressed.

However, the damage has been done at work.  I have been told people are afraid to be on teams with me (but then after they are, they see I'm actually really cool), people don't say hi to me (but I now say hi first and make eye contact), I am not approachable like I used to be (but I'm a ton better), and I am not thought of for leadership opportunities because of how distant and distracted I was for those 5 years (they are seeing me different now that the "old" Melinda is back).

I truly believe my Mom would have wanted me to grieve for so long.  That's the woman she was.  However, she would be so very upset with me to let it affect my job.  She hated anytime I had to even leave work early for an appointment (she never wanted me to "get in trouble") so I know to hear all this would break her heart thinking she was somehow to blame.

The good news is I am not grieving nor distant like I was for those 5 "missing" years.  I have been doing SO much better these last two years.  I still have some anxiety about group functions, but I am trying to take baby steps.  I actually need to go to those functions here in the office so people can see I'm the "old" Melinda or that I'm not as reclusive as I used to me, and I'm more approachable.

I wish I knew then what I know now - I should have gone to grief counseling and got some help about the first year.  Although I still went through two bad relationships I tried to handle on my own in those 5 years, too, the counseling could have helped me along the way.

Gratitude - an Antidepressant

I heard the other day from a doctor that gratitude is more effective than antidepressants. 

And obviously, no side effects from gratitude, lol.

But seriously, gratitude is a great thing and if we can incorporate it every single day, it can even help our depression.  Sure, if may not bring us out of the throws of a deep depression, but it's still extremely beneficial.  And not harmful, right?  So why not try it?

I also heard on Super Soul Sunday that we should not just see a flower and think, "oh, how pretty" and then continue walking past it. 

But really look at the flower and it's beauty.  Immerse yourself in the feelings of gratitude of how pretty the flower is and all it's intricacies.  Feeling and appreciating the gratitude of why it looks so beautiful and be thankful you even came across it.

For instance, nice yellow flower in the pic, right?  But look how pretty it REALLY is.  How the middle part (called a "pistil") is larger than most and notice how so many layers of petals it has.  What a beauty, right?  Otherwise, we might walk by and just think, "oh, hey, a yellow flower."

Gratitude.  

Retiring Helps With Purpose

Again with this "purpose" talk.

Tough to comprehend in my heart that something I loved and felt like "purpose," I will no longer be doing after next month.  However, we know when we know it's time to move on.

Plus, I heard the other day about someone retiring.  And sure enough, I related it to ending my volunteer job, running the Omega Billiards Tour.

The person happened to be an entertainer (the famous Tina Turner!), and she retired from Tours and singing.  She was fine with her decision and it was time to not do that any more, even though she was famous for it and VERY good at it.  At some point in our lives, we do need to retire.  It makes the most sense to retire from work, but it can also be from something we are good at and used to enjoy doing.  "Retiring" doesn't have to be only at the end of our career.  It can also be for something like this - something in the middle of our lives.

Time to move on.  No longer happy doing it.

I bet Tina Turner isn't sitting in her large house in Australia wondering about her purpose in life anymore.  Her purpose was amazing and impactful!  And just because she no longer sings or tours doesn't mean she didn't have purpose.  She just retired from it.

Retiring.  That's what I'm doing.  How can one be upset or disturbed by that decision? 

Not me anymore!  Yep, I no longer am with this great realization!

Spring Mountain Ranch State Park

Another beautiful day in Nevada! There are such beautiful State Parks all around, every state. Love getting out and hiking and venturing in the outdoors! Enjoyed the trip with my great friend, Robin!  Spring Mountain Ranch State Park, Nevada. Oct 19, 2017

Loyd Park at Joe Pool Lake

Oct 28, 2017 visit to Loyd Park at Joe Pool Lake

What Was My Mom Thinking (photo)

I like to use photos as bookmarks.  I ordered a new book a couple of months ago for my trip to Paris and needed a photo to keep my place.  I went to my stack of photos in a box in upstairs, grabbed about 20 pics and chose this one to be my newest bookmark!

It's my Mom sitting on the gravel along the Frio River about 10-12 years ago.  This was last trip we would take together to the Frio River in Concan, Texas.  One of my Mom's favorite places in the world (besides wrapped in my arms in a hug, right?)

As I look at this photo I took of her, I wonder, what is she thinking about?

My guesses are:

• I sure do miss the River.  Wish I could come here more often.
• Why do my arms juggle so much now?  I wish they were firmer.
• The sun feels fantastic on my skin - I need a darker tan.  Sure do miss sitting out in the sun.
• Can't wait to go tubing like those people down there.
• Sure wish the river was higher - I just love when it flows easily through the crevices and curves.  
• I just love being here.

Frio River Trip May 2015!

OMG, I went to my childhood weekend home in May 2015 and had SUCH a beautiful, amazing time by myself enjoying the scenrey, checking out all the places my Mom and I used to go.

I:

• fished
• saw SO many beautiful deer!
• cooked on the grill
• slept in a cabin
• went tubing!
• checked out all the places my Mom and I used to go
• took a ton of photos!
• walked along the land she used to own and reminisced
• drove down so many roads her and I used to travel on to check out the wildlife
• went swimming
• sat in the Frio River :)

One of the reasons why the trip to the Hill Country was so special to me that weekend was because it was FOR me. I went by myself and although I wasn't sure how that would go, I had my thoughts and memories and was able to visit every single nook and special place my Mom and I had been to for all those years growing up with her in Concan, Texas.

It was so peaceful, quite, very therapeutic, cathartic, and an amazing trip for me in such a beautiful, memorable place! I saw A LOT of deer (which my Mom LOVED), went tubing like her and I used to, fished, had a camp fire, got a lot of sun, visited awesome places that were very memorable for her and I, walked a lot; it was all GREAT. And every moment and second was filled with the love I have for her in the place she loved BEST in this world.

And here is a pic of her and I about 10 years ago. The girl who dropped me off for the floating trip on the Sunday afternoon took this pic for me, and I wanted it to be close to the original, and it was a mere few feet from where I stood with my Mom 10 years ago!

Trust Your Life

I heard over the weekend another helpful bit of advice for this "purpose" we all seek.  I wrote back in the Spring that my bucket runneth over enlightenment had been extremely helpful!

Well, doesn't mean I still don't struggle with purpose at times.  It doesn't help I'm ending a dream I have worked on for the last 6 years (I run a billiards tour that will end at the end of the year).

A month or so ago a coworker and I were talking about purpose, as he and his wife discuss that very feeling a lot as well.  He told me that in a Ted Talk, he heard someone say once that people who are poor and/or living in tough conditions never think about their purpose in life.  They are trying to find food and survive that day, so they don't have these life purpose worries and concerns that we struggle with.

I thought that was very interesting.

And over the weekend, Oprah was talking to Brother David Steindl-Rast, Benedictine monk, on her show, Super Soul Sunday, and among the many great things he shared was to trust your life.  Think about that.  If you sincerely trust your life, then you should have no worries about your purpose.  I trust God and his plans for me and my life, and therefore, I trust my life.  And should stop struggling and trying to figure out this purpose thing and realize it's all going to be okay.

Owl Creek Flood

This is a great tribute to the fallen soldiers in 2016 during a swollen creek.  I love this memorial, even though it's sad.

Here is the story about that unfortunate day.

History Discovery in my Closet

Normally clothes hangers are being used or in a spot where we don't observe their shape or style all that much.  And their main function in life is to hold up our clothes, which takes care of us, right?  While this is a daily activity for the hanger, I don't think we truly appreciate or understand how helpful a hanger is in our lives.

So, it was really cool to notice this historic discovery in my closet the other day. 

It was finally not covered by a shirt or sweater, and then I noticed, almost hardly noticed, this wooden hanger had words on it.

My clever investigation skills (you know, Google) shows this is from a hotel (Nikkatsu Hotel) in Japan in the 1960s!  My parents were in Japan around then.  I know because I was born in Okinawa, Japan in 1970.  So, it's literally been around as long as I have.

Guess my klepto tendencies were established WAY early in my life, lol.

Look Like My Mom - Thoughts

I posted this photo on Facebook back in March:

One of my friends commented, "you look so much like your mom in this picture - so sweet."

Uh, What??

Instead of responding with WTF, I sat back and thought about things.

You see, the last time my friend saw my Mom in person was almost 20 years ago. 

And as what happens with time, we age.  And the last five years I saw my Mom she looked "elderly" and fragile and frail.  Add her illness into the mix, and that made her age even more.  (gosh she'd kill me for even typing these words out)

So, my last visions of what she looked like is not how I would picture myself today.  i.e, the "you look so much like your mom."  I look elderly and fragile?

No....

Right?

lol

I stepped back, though, and of course take it as a huge compliment of course.  And I wouldn't mind at all looking like my Mom.  Just, uh, not the elderly, rail version already lol - give me 20-25 more years first!

Still, super sweet sentiment.  *smile*