Powerful Video Clip About Diversity

I'm in awe how important and powerful this 5 minute vide clip is about how to treat others:

It's an inspirational video about belonging and inclusion from the United States Air Force Academy.

It speaks to what it looks like to champion Diversity under difficult circumstances.

Lt Gen Jay Silveria, Superintendent of the US Air Force Academy, addresses students on the use of racial slurs within dorms for the Prepartory School.  He urges anyone who cannot treat others with dignity and respect to "get out."  Story:http://bit.ly/2ftp3cV

Recovery Process

Loved this quote I read yesterday, so wanted to share.  It's spot on:

"And what's perhaps the most vital fact about alcoholism: understanding that recovery is an ongoing process. "There are many different statistics, but the bottom line is it's extremely common to need multiple quit attempts in order to quit, and also different modalities," De Filippo says. "Some people do well with meetings, some people do well with individual therapy, others do well with rehab, but it's normal for it to take more than one try. It's like anything else — you can't become good at something by just doing it once. It's something you have to keep working on."

Feelings 100%

I was talking to a therapist-type person today and something hit me like a bolt of lightning. 

While I comprehend that drinking masks our problems or issues temporarily, it is still a go-to reason to drink and helps with not thinking about our issues, even for a little bit.

It just not dawned on me, though, that this past year sober I have dealt with all my issues myself.  Ie, without alcohol.  And quite honestly, that's tough.

While I have had a really good year, there has been a few REALLY bad times and I am experiencing all of those feelings 100%.... without blurring the feelings (even temporarily) with alcohol.

Not drinking is an exceptional thing for me, but it also means these rough patches are actually hitting me harder than usual because I'm not replacing/masking/hiding them with drinking.  Instead, I'm feeling every emotion and thought and heartache very true and raw, without any disturbance (drinking).

I need to stop being so rough on myself when I get depressed.  I'm dealing with it without any mind altering effects.  And, quite honestly that's tough.  And new for me.

But, I'm up for the task!

I'm just glad I had this enlightening moment today about this.  I think it will help me during the holidays - a really rough part of every year for me.

365 Days Ago

Today is a pretty badass day.

When woke up this morning, it's been exactly one year since I had alcohol.

I can't even express all the benefits that this choice has garnered me!

But let me state some ofof t most impactful benefits:

My memory has improved significantly, my productivity at work has soared, I'm sleeping better, I'm saving money like crazy, I have more meaningful, memorable and ever-present conversations with my dear friends, I have more energy (that's why I've been walking in so many parks this past year) and I'm overall so much happier.

People have told me often this past year I look very happy (happier than they've seen me in a long time), and now you know the reason why - because I made this important decision 365 days ago.

Pretty freaking proud of myself!!

Grief Affected My Job

I don't have any regrets in life.  But I do have some learning experiences that I wish I knew sooner.

I grieved for my Mom for about 5 years.  In the middle of that, I had two bad relationships.  What that caused me was depression on-going that I could not get out of, for all those years.

And while I *thought* I was okay at home (because I was always going out all the time), at work I was not.  In other words, I became a hermit at work.  Grieving in my office, depressed from the loss of my Mom, being hungover from going out, or trying to handle these broken relationships.

At work, I kept to myself.  I stopped smiling at coworkers, wouldn't attend meetings, wouldn't even lift my head to make eye contact if I passed someone in the hallway.  I kept to myself in my own little shell in my office. I was depressed, unengaging, not happy at all.  It showed in meetings that I barely attended and as I walked past people - it was like I became the ghost.

I became the person no one wanted to be around.  Heck, I don't blame them!  I was such a tough person to be around.  I was just so dang sad and unhappy.

Although away from work I felt happy around my friends and going out a lot, let's face it, I wasn't happy there either.  Alcohol made me think I was having fun and being happy, but I still woke up depressed.

However, the damage has been done at work.  I have been told people are afraid to be on teams with me (but then after they are, they see I'm actually really cool), people don't say hi to me (but I now say hi first and make eye contact), I am not approachable like I used to be (but I'm a ton better), and I am not thought of for leadership opportunities because of how distant and distracted I was for those 5 years (they are seeing me different now that the "old" Melinda is back).

I truly believe my Mom would have wanted me to grieve for so long.  That's the woman she was.  However, she would be so very upset with me to let it affect my job.  She hated anytime I had to even leave work early for an appointment (she never wanted me to "get in trouble") so I know to hear all this would break her heart thinking she was somehow to blame.

The good news is I am not grieving nor distant like I was for those 5 "missing" years.  I have been doing SO much better these last two years.  I still have some anxiety about group functions, but I am trying to take baby steps.  I actually need to go to those functions here in the office so people can see I'm the "old" Melinda or that I'm not as reclusive as I used to me, and I'm more approachable.

I wish I knew then what I know now - I should have gone to grief counseling and got some help about the first year.  Although I still went through two bad relationships I tried to handle on my own in those 5 years, too, the counseling could have helped me along the way.

Gratitude - an Antidepressant

I heard the other day from a doctor that gratitude is more effective than antidepressants. 

And obviously, no side effects from gratitude, lol.

But seriously, gratitude is a great thing and if we can incorporate it every single day, it can even help our depression.  Sure, if may not bring us out of the throws of a deep depression, but it's still extremely beneficial.  And not harmful, right?  So why not try it?

I also heard on Super Soul Sunday that we should not just see a flower and think, "oh, how pretty" and then continue walking past it. 

But really look at the flower and it's beauty.  Immerse yourself in the feelings of gratitude of how pretty the flower is and all it's intricacies.  Feeling and appreciating the gratitude of why it looks so beautiful and be thankful you even came across it.

For instance, nice yellow flower in the pic, right?  But look how pretty it REALLY is.  How the middle part (called a "pistil") is larger than most and notice how so many layers of petals it has.  What a beauty, right?  Otherwise, we might walk by and just think, "oh, hey, a yellow flower."

Gratitude.  

Retiring Helps With Purpose

Again with this "purpose" talk.

Tough to comprehend in my heart that something I loved and felt like "purpose," I will no longer be doing after next month.  However, we know when we know it's time to move on.

Plus, I heard the other day about someone retiring.  And sure enough, I related it to ending my volunteer job, running the Omega Billiards Tour.

The person happened to be an entertainer (the famous Tina Turner!), and she retired from Tours and singing.  She was fine with her decision and it was time to not do that any more, even though she was famous for it and VERY good at it.  At some point in our lives, we do need to retire.  It makes the most sense to retire from work, but it can also be from something we are good at and used to enjoy doing.  "Retiring" doesn't have to be only at the end of our career.  It can also be for something like this - something in the middle of our lives.

Time to move on.  No longer happy doing it.

I bet Tina Turner isn't sitting in her large house in Australia wondering about her purpose in life anymore.  Her purpose was amazing and impactful!  And just because she no longer sings or tours doesn't mean she didn't have purpose.  She just retired from it.

Retiring.  That's what I'm doing.  How can one be upset or disturbed by that decision? 

Not me anymore!  Yep, I no longer am with this great realization!

Spring Mountain Ranch State Park

Another beautiful day in Nevada! There are such beautiful State Parks all around, every state. Love getting out and hiking and venturing in the outdoors! Enjoyed the trip with my great friend, Robin!  Spring Mountain Ranch State Park, Nevada. Oct 19, 2017

Loyd Park at Joe Pool Lake

Oct 28, 2017 visit to Loyd Park at Joe Pool Lake

What Was My Mom Thinking (photo)

I like to use photos as bookmarks.  I ordered a new book a couple of months ago for my trip to Paris and needed a photo to keep my place.  I went to my stack of photos in a box in upstairs, grabbed about 20 pics and chose this one to be my newest bookmark!

It's my Mom sitting on the gravel along the Frio River about 10-12 years ago.  This was last trip we would take together to the Frio River in Concan, Texas.  One of my Mom's favorite places in the world (besides wrapped in my arms in a hug, right?)

As I look at this photo I took of her, I wonder, what is she thinking about?

My guesses are:

• I sure do miss the River.  Wish I could come here more often.
• Why do my arms juggle so much now?  I wish they were firmer.
• The sun feels fantastic on my skin - I need a darker tan.  Sure do miss sitting out in the sun.
• Can't wait to go tubing like those people down there.
• Sure wish the river was higher - I just love when it flows easily through the crevices and curves.  
• I just love being here.

Frio River Trip May 2015!

OMG, I went to my childhood weekend home in May 2015 and had SUCH a beautiful, amazing time by myself enjoying the scenrey, checking out all the places my Mom and I used to go.

I:

• fished
• saw SO many beautiful deer!
• cooked on the grill
• slept in a cabin
• went tubing!
• checked out all the places my Mom and I used to go
• took a ton of photos!
• walked along the land she used to own and reminisced
• drove down so many roads her and I used to travel on to check out the wildlife
• went swimming
• sat in the Frio River :)

One of the reasons why the trip to the Hill Country was so special to me that weekend was because it was FOR me. I went by myself and although I wasn't sure how that would go, I had my thoughts and memories and was able to visit every single nook and special place my Mom and I had been to for all those years growing up with her in Concan, Texas.

It was so peaceful, quite, very therapeutic, cathartic, and an amazing trip for me in such a beautiful, memorable place! I saw A LOT of deer (which my Mom LOVED), went tubing like her and I used to, fished, had a camp fire, got a lot of sun, visited awesome places that were very memorable for her and I, walked a lot; it was all GREAT. And every moment and second was filled with the love I have for her in the place she loved BEST in this world.

And here is a pic of her and I about 10 years ago. The girl who dropped me off for the floating trip on the Sunday afternoon took this pic for me, and I wanted it to be close to the original, and it was a mere few feet from where I stood with my Mom 10 years ago!

Trust Your Life

I heard over the weekend another helpful bit of advice for this "purpose" we all seek.  I wrote back in the Spring that my bucket runneth over enlightenment had been extremely helpful!

Well, doesn't mean I still don't struggle with purpose at times.  It doesn't help I'm ending a dream I have worked on for the last 6 years (I run a billiards tour that will end at the end of the year).

A month or so ago a coworker and I were talking about purpose, as he and his wife discuss that very feeling a lot as well.  He told me that in a Ted Talk, he heard someone say once that people who are poor and/or living in tough conditions never think about their purpose in life.  They are trying to find food and survive that day, so they don't have these life purpose worries and concerns that we struggle with.

I thought that was very interesting.

And over the weekend, Oprah was talking to Brother David Steindl-Rast, Benedictine monk, on her show, Super Soul Sunday, and among the many great things he shared was to trust your life.  Think about that.  If you sincerely trust your life, then you should have no worries about your purpose.  I trust God and his plans for me and my life, and therefore, I trust my life.  And should stop struggling and trying to figure out this purpose thing and realize it's all going to be okay.

Owl Creek Flood

This is a great tribute to the fallen soldiers in 2016 during a swollen creek.  I love this memorial, even though it's sad.

Here is the story about that unfortunate day.

History Discovery in my Closet

Normally clothes hangers are being used or in a spot where we don't observe their shape or style all that much.  And their main function in life is to hold up our clothes, which takes care of us, right?  While this is a daily activity for the hanger, I don't think we truly appreciate or understand how helpful a hanger is in our lives.

So, it was really cool to notice this historic discovery in my closet the other day. 

It was finally not covered by a shirt or sweater, and then I noticed, almost hardly noticed, this wooden hanger had words on it.

My clever investigation skills (you know, Google) shows this is from a hotel (Nikkatsu Hotel) in Japan in the 1960s!  My parents were in Japan around then.  I know because I was born in Okinawa, Japan in 1970.  So, it's literally been around as long as I have.

Guess my klepto tendencies were established WAY early in my life, lol.

Look Like My Mom - Thoughts

I posted this photo on Facebook back in March:

One of my friends commented, "you look so much like your mom in this picture - so sweet."

Uh, What??

Instead of responding with WTF, I sat back and thought about things.

You see, the last time my friend saw my Mom in person was almost 20 years ago. 

And as what happens with time, we age.  And the last five years I saw my Mom she looked "elderly" and fragile and frail.  Add her illness into the mix, and that made her age even more.  (gosh she'd kill me for even typing these words out)

So, my last visions of what she looked like is not how I would picture myself today.  i.e, the "you look so much like your mom."  I look elderly and fragile?

No....

Right?

lol

I stepped back, though, and of course take it as a huge compliment of course.  And I wouldn't mind at all looking like my Mom.  Just, uh, not the elderly, rail version already lol - give me 20-25 more years first!

Still, super sweet sentiment.  *smile*

Before, Now This

Before:
Now This:

Before, the late nights were fun
Little did we know what could become.

The money we thought well spent
Now there is definitely less than a dent.

Mornings waking up, “what did I say?”
Productive and vibrant now every single day.

Laying in bed most of the morning
Getting up early, knowing a great day coming.

Hated not to remember convos
Now no conversations I forgo.

Hangovers became worse as years go on
Now starting every beautiful day at dawn.

No energy to pick up mess from night before
Now keep home and space clean and cared for.

No waking up in middle of night
Finally getting rest and now sleeping tight.

Spending money like it grows on trees
Now finances more at ease.

No more driving, risking lives
Always knowing your destination arrives.

Saying stupid shit, acting crazy
No more bad memory, instead happy.

Going to sleep already still drunk and dressed
Amazing feeling to wake up daily refreshed.

Depression and unhappiness is what we fear
But not drinking gives us much less tears.

Embarrassment and shamefulness is high
Laughter and happiness are no longer a lie.

Inner torture is so strong and tough to bear
We are so grateful we are no longer there.

Being scared and alone comes and goes
Now calm being with God out of the shadows.

Used to think that shots were our friend
What a joy to find out we no longer depend.

Every tough, dreadful morning would sting,
Now each day what a joy and our hearts sing.

The Dogears Have It

Now that my bowel movements have been regulated after my colonoscopy, the only time I get to dip into reading my hoard of stacked magazines is when I'm sitting in the sun or in the bathtub.  Both dependent on the season.

When I read something that intrigues me or aligns with my thoughts/ emotions/ feelings of that day, I will mark the page by folding down the top corner.  Usually it's only a singular (but in-depth) sentence out of a several-pages-long-article that can capture my feeling for that day.

Sometimes I will go back to that marked page a month or so later.  What touched my heart and mind is no longer there.  The person who I wanted to share that with is also gone, so I sadly unflip the corner and smooth out the crease.

If it's a sports related quote that I saved, I will always keep it so I can refer to it in my sports blog.  If it's something for me, to help me, or I learn from it, I mark it to hopefully blog about it later in this exact blog.

I can write a whole blog and reflect on one single sentence of an entire article.  I just love how that is even possible - to expand and want to talk more about just a few words.

Sometimes I stumble upon pages already dogearred.  These are folded by my Mom's very own fingers!  For when she read through the magazine over 6 years ago.  Almost 99% of the pages she marked are anti-wrinkle cream ads lol.  I sure do miss her.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad in Real Life

Great article that explains well the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad, from an NFL player that follows the advice:

https://finance.yahoo.com/news/nfl-player-lives-60-000-140000843.html

Delicate Mushroom

This huge mushroom was one of many splattered in my back yard.

I love how it's legs can't even be seen because it's growing beautifully and strong towards the sun.

The crisp blades of green grass seem to hold up the head, or are they caressing it gently like holding a baby carefully, not allowing it to touch the ground?

Although the sun has caused some damage to it's skin where you can see peeling, just like on a human:  the scars create a unique design and make this mushroom one-of-a-kind.

The mushroom is a palette of whites and browns, blended perfectly by God.

The goosebumps on the edges are scattered like small hairs on an arm.

One would never realize even studying the photo that it's actually a spongey-feeling if one was to risk interrupting the beauty to touch it.

The very top of the mushroom is like a separate mountain peaking out to say hello and thrive.  "Let me see, too!" it's suggesting.... as it also faces the warmth of the sun's rays.

Social Media Creates Pain

I am really seeing and deeply feeling how social media has helped develop non-personal connections.

No longer do we pick up the phone, call, or text someone when they are in need.  Instead, we just post on Facebook and think it's great and enough.

For those who have no one, you'd think FB would actually allow more connections.  However, all it really does is make one realize just how alone we really are in this big world.

August 2017 - It's Different

I normally abhor and try to avoid the month of August. It's the month of my Mom's Birthday and also her Deathversary. She was my everything, and I hers. This is the first time in 6 years (yes, seriously) that I am not dreading the month. I am finally in a decent place with my heart and soul that has peace and happiness. It doesn't mean I don't think of her or don't miss her, it means I have finally moved over the very tall, tough grief mountain. Often the last few months people have mentioned they haven't seen me this happy in a very long time. Makes me smile that it's noticeable. :) Because... I do finally feel it again; and it feels good. You see, when one is depressed and sad and grieving for so long, it's actually kinda scary and uncomfortable to be happy again. It feels so weird to even smile or laugh because we aren't used to that - because we've been depressed for so long, showing happiness is actually out of our comfort zone. So, to finally feel peace and be able to express through my life the blessings upon me, I am very grateful for.

I Love You, Mom!

Dallas Arboretum Visit

After living in DFW for 17 years, I finally visited the Dallas Arboretum!  I already can't wait to go back in the winter for their highly-recommended holiday light displays!

My friend Amanda and I went and I have to say I'm so glad I went with a friend who loved the scenery as much as I did!  And she would see things I didn't even notice, which was a joy to view her perspectives.

Here we are - took us about 1 minute to pose for a selfie as soon as we walked through the gates, because the row of amazingly beautiful pink flowers stopped us in our tracks:

Needed many collages from the Dallas Arboretum, WOW!   I couldn't possibly choose just 6 photos for one collage, because there were a TON of great shots from the beautiful gardens.   I'm speechless honestly.  But, here is a fun one first, that makes me smile and laugh! "Selfie with a frog!"

I could have done these themed collages, EASILY:  Single flowers, plants, statues, flower beds, colors, insects, waterfalls, ponds, benches, etc.

Instead, here are two collages I created among the 100 photos I prolly took with my camera, lol:

Seriously stunning!!

Going to the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens this year, too, with Amanda.  Can't wait for another amazing memory-maker of beautiful colors and flowers and scenery!


(click any photo to enlarge)

Just in Time Versus Just in Case

I found myself less interested in Dr. Oz's magazines for some reason lately but I like to read helpful articles, so I went to my stash of Oprah Winfrey magazines I hadn't yet touched, and just, well, grabbed one out the fifty or so on the shelf.

(Oh the funny irony of finding this article among hoarding these magazines lol)

One of the first articles I read in that magazine from 2004 had to do with this:

There are two ways of going through life: Gather everything in sight, just in case you need it. Or, trust that you'll find exactly what you need, just in time. Guess which one lets you really stop and smell the roses?

I wasn't that intrigued by the preface, but as I read along, it turns out Martha Beck learned a lot from Toyota.

Just after the first paragraph....

"Shortly after World War II, executives at Japan's Toyota Motor Company made a decision from which, I believe, we all can benefit. They decided to make cars the way they'd make, say, sushi. Unlike most manufacturers, which bought and stored massive stockpiles of supplies, Toyota began ordering just enough parts to keep their lines moving, just when those parts were needed. This made them spectacularly productive, and turned the phrase "just in time" into business legend."

...I was intrigued and couldn't wait to read more.

And I'm glad I didn't stop!

Just in Time versus Just in Case can be applied to businesses, home life, eating, love life (or like life), money, etc.

About so many aspects of our lives!

And, just in time personally for me.

I got a lot out of it.  Hope others will, also.

Read the entire article here: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/martha-becks-strategy-to-lower-stress-and-improve-your-life

Throw Back Thursday - Gift from My Mom

You would think the best gift my Mom gave me was life.  But in reality, it was about death.

I hope this blog post from August 2012 helps at least one person:

Gift from My Mom

Did You See?

Been walking at a lot of new parks this year.  I set a goal to walk in a new park at least once a month and I have way surpassed that! 

Well, received some feedback about my last poem, so wrote this yesterday about my walks:


Did You See?

Did you see the intricate spider web?
Or just the normal, pretty flower bed?

Did you see the small white flower catch your eye?
Or did the larger purple one push it aside?

Did you hear the bird trying to sing for your attention?
Or did you not even notice the distinction?

Did you see the clouds staring down at you?
Or only when the sun broke through?

Did you see the beautiful shades of blue in the sky?
Or did you not look up, your mind was occupied?

Did you see the path?  Dirt, gravel, or grass?
Or did you just walk by and simply pass?

Did you see the complex shape of that rock?
Or did you not stop and just kept your walk?

Did you not see all the amazing different colors?
Or did you not even realize your heart flutters?

Did you feel the breeze on your face? 
Or just not realize its’ grace?

Did you see the colors, the beauty?
Or did you just not really study?

Did you See. Look. Watch. Feel. Hear?
All that nature was trying to really reveal?

It’s more than colors.  More than things.
Nature is a feeling, riding high on our wings.
Beautiful flowers that it brings.
Animals that explore like kings.
Pretty colorful birds that sing.
Lovely tree branches that swing.
Crisp and clear meandering springs.
Filling our heart and mind with nature’s everything’s.

How You Were Raised

I beleive one of the reasons why I'm so responsible is because of how I was raised.

Yes, going back to that all-important philosophy how you were raised impacts you as an adult.

Growing up on Saturday mornings, if my parents and I were not out camping, I was helping them do yard work or things around the house.  It has helped me become the person I am today.  And I really like this person! 

I love doing yard work. I love getting things done around the house. I can do a lot of things on my own.  All because that's what my parents taught me.  I can put together a bookcase, install a new light fixture, do all the yard work myself, work on things around the house.  Etc.

The difference is I like to do it all.

A friend of mine dated a guy who didn't do anything unless asked.  He didn't do the laundry on his own, he didn't do the dishes if he saw them piling up, he wouldn't put things away.  He wouldn't even help her bring in the groceries when he saw her walking into the house with her arms full of bags.  And in my opinion, this is just the way he was raised.  I would find out later that all his brothers are the exact same non-assertive way.

I remember the days as a teenager kicking and screaming being dragged to Home Depot by my Dad.  Now, I'm thankful, tho, as I can find just about anything on any aisle because of all those tantrum Saturdays.  lol.

Even in my lower 20s, I had an ex that didn't understand why I couldn't tell my parents no, and instead go to a movie with him one Saturday morning.  Little did he know, why I became so much more responsible than him.

Being independent and self-sufficient is one thing, but truly enjoying being productive is a pretty cool character to have.

For instance, a couple of months ago I met up with a friend who works on homes and we talked about things I wanted done around the house.  As we walked through the house together, he asked me about things and we would add them to the list.  Like, new light fixtures, installing a new back door, adding window film art, replacing rotting wooden fence posts with metal posts, fixing some of the cracks on the back patio, etc.

We didn't set a deadline, so I noticed on my open Saturdays I started to do some of the things on my own, lol, that was on the list for him to work on.  Sure, I let him install the new back door and easily let him put in new metal fence posts, but I just wasn't the type of person to sit around and not do some of the things on the list myself.

For instance, I removed the large and obtuse florescent lights and their containers from my living room ceiling, then added a new, cool light fixture:

My friends were like, really?  Yea, really.  And the handy man was just as confused as he was impressed I was doing things on my own.

I also installed the window film art, and I am going to paint the walls myself.

Some people seem to be shocked when I do things on my own.  But to me it's a direct attribution to how I was raised and how grateful I am of the woman I've grown into. 

Beautiful upbringing and blessed for sure.

Village Creek Historical Park

Hopefully you all aren't getting tired of these collages.  Because today's quite amazing walk is brought to you by me, "The Nature Whisperer."  :)  The armadillo didn't run away, the absolutely​ beautiful and friendly butterfly who said hello to me for awhile, the turtles and squirrels who aren't even in the pics, and the stunning scenery under God's beautiful sky.  Another new park, another wonderful memory-making walk.

It's so cool there are so many sweet parks to walk in just in the Dallas Fort Worth area.  And I've barely even started!

Tandy Hills Natural Area

Another new walking spot!  Got a tad lost, lol, as trails aren't marked.  But got back to my car, right as the large rain drops started to fall on Wednesday.  Perfect timing!

To be honest, I was nervous I had to park on a residential street to walk in this area.  No parking area at all.  Too bad, too - this place has great trails and is pretty, even though I really did get lost because the trails aren't marked well at all.

I hope to go back some day.  Maybe on a weekend when more people are out.  This day I was the sole hiker - a tad intimidating because at that point you *hope* you really are alone so no one messes with you.

Tandy Hills Natural Area, Fort Worth, Texas.  Nestled between Interstate 30 and a residential area.  Hidden.  Good spot!

Throw Back Thursday - Life Through My Eyes

I like re-reading some of my past blog posts because they help my current thoughts and feelings.

I had an idea to start to share some of them every once in while via the "Throw Back Thursday" (TBT) theme that is utilized a lot on social media.

Today I'd like to share an uplifting piece I wrote about back in 2012:

Life Through My Eyes

I've been through some really tough times, but I don't view them as "bad" things.

Not Even Interested in Looking

Life has many different paths...
Some come with aftermaths

The memories at times stored...
Because too hurtful i was ignored.

Holidays i fear...
No warm words do i hear

You might think it was your body or eyes...
Instead it was how you are so wise

I know this much to be true...
No eyes for anyone but you

Still adore you too much...
It's almost like a crutch

I don't seek, look, or care...
About anyone else out there

Heart still thinks about you...
So no one else will do

They say the next...
Should be better than the ex

That's going to be tough to beat...
You're too much of a treat

Intelligent, deep soul, artist, funny...
Mentor, best friend, gambler, sexy

Your words, that deep voice...
Fluttered my heart, no choice

I learned so much...
My mind was touched

Like no one ever before...
Influenced me to the core

Your advice, words, and thoughts...
Those are missed... lots

Just know you're​ missed, and why...
And that's why sometimes I still cry.

Vivid Nightmare

I can't recall if I've ever woken up from a nightmare wailing before.

I've had nightmares.  Woken up scared.  Woken up shaken.  Maybe cried a little bit from the nightmare?

But not wailing like last night.

My dog (Lily) immediately woke up and came to my rescue.  She didn't leave my side for the rest of the night.

I remember I kept saying in my nightmare, "please let me wake up, don't let this be real!"

Took a while, but finally did wake up.  Upset and wailing.

Brutal.

So glad Lily was there to help calm me down.

That Time I Said No

There are things we may reflect on in our past that make us wonder sometimes, how would my life be different if....?  

Because I am am alcoholic, I presume I have an addictive personality.  Whether that is incorrect thinking or not, I can tell by the way I shop, sometimes hoard, my routines, etc that I personally think I do have somewhat of an addictive personality.

Flash back 30+ years ago, sitting in class in middle school.

The boy I had a crush on sat behind me in an afternoon class.  I don't remember what the class was, but it was held in the typing classroom and so we all had a typewriter on our desk.

One day, he gets my attention and asks me if I want to try something.  I turned around without making eye contact, shy, giggling, and blushing that he was even talking to me.  He stuck out his tongue slowly and I saw a thin pink sliver of something on his tongue.  I told him, "no," and quickly turned away because my social skills towards a crush had not yet developed into smoothness lol.

I said "no" even though I did not know what it was, even though it looked like candy, and even though I had a crush on him.

I truly believe that the ramifications had I said "yes" to my crush would have propelled me on a different path in life.  Especially since I have an addictive personality.

I have yet to do drugs.  And I think had I tried that pink strip of acid (I would find out years later that's what it prolly was), I wouldn't be sitting here even typing these words out.  I may not even be alive, truth be told.

Collage Twist

When I go to a new place, I like to make a collage of the best photos I took along my venture (usually walking in parks).

I do this because a friend of mine went somewhere and made a collage of his fave photos and it was so much MORE awesome to see ONE photo that captured his fave photos.  Much better than when people post on Facebook all 20-50 photos they took.  Ugh.  I don't even have enough signal to look through all their pics, lol.  So, I learned from my friend that a collage is a great way for me to showcase a few photos and still get the flavor across, instead of posting an entire album lol.

I have been visiting a few of the same parks lately only because some are close to home.  I want to visit more and more new ones, but sometimes I can't do that adventuring during the week after work due to time constraints. 

I still find really awesome things to take pics of, tho!  But, instead of posting the same river, or same trail, I noticed the other day that sometimes themes show themselves.

Here are two:

Beautiful flowers I came across while walking at Rocky Creek Park and the different humans I saw being busy in the great weather along the Trinity River (both located in Fort Worth, Texas):

Made Fun of as a Child

I think sometimes, only very fleeting I admit, about the times I was made fun of as a child.  I wasn't bullied, but I was made fun of about certain things on my body.

The shape of my nose was one thing.  "Who would ever go out with her, have you seen her nose?"  I overheard a girl say about me in elementary school.

I didn't wear dresses and was a Tomboy and many people thought I was a boy, not a girl.  It didn't bother me too much - I wasn't a frilly little girl anyway.

My hair was another thing.  The neighborhood kids made fun of my hair because I didn't comb it that often during my elementary school years, and it had tangles in it.

As a female, though, it was very detrimental to my self esteem, and caused me to not understand a lot of my decisions growing up, when boys would comment about my chest size.  I used to be a very, very small A - I couldn't even fill a size A teen bra.   

I heard more than I cared to about it, how small chested I was.  I was made fun of.  The "Hope Chest" jokes were their favorite.  But the, "did you hear about the joke where the girls tits falling off?  Oh, I see you already know about that...."  I can remember exactly where I was standing in middle school when I felt sickened to my stomach when some kid told me that.

I was told wading in a pool looking over at my crush (I was a YMCA Camp Counselor) that he didn't like me because I didn't have boobs.

Continuous blow to my self esteem.

Children can be cruel.  But even as adults, a b/f in my lower 20s told me he wished I could move of my tummy to my chest.  I was mortified.  Who says such hurtful things?  I weighed prolly 120 pounds and I didn't even have a tummy back then, lol.  I, of course, realize even in our 20s we are all very immature, but still.  Incomprehensible.

It was already so difficult to find things to wear that looked decent or I felt comfy in because I was so small on top.  And because I became so self conscious, I always, ALWAYS hid myself with big shirts covering any bathing suit I might actually wear.

But, I didn't really think about the cruel words too much, luckily, after my 20s.  My self esteem is through the roof now and even in my mid 40s, I really love how I look (how many woman can say that?). 

But it's amazing that some kids ARE bullied so much they want to harm themselves.  While the hurtful things were tough and affected my self esteem, it's absolutely NOTHING compared to some of the abuse kids do to others.

I actually feel rather lucky.  I can't imagine what some kids go through. 

My abuse was a blip on the path of life.  Some kids are bullied so much they don't want to live.  :(

Accept Your Uniqueness

I had a very eye opening moment with one of my doctors last Fall.

As a matter of fact, it's help me accept my scars or things we may not like about ourselves.  What he said had a huge impact on the way I think about things I fretted about myself.

I was trying to express to my doctor I didn't like something on my eyelid; and how much it bothered me.

He chuckled to himself and then looked right at me and said, "Do you see the indention on my nose?"

I said, "no."

He said, "Look again."

My eyes then ventured to the tip of his nose.  And sure enough there's a little indention at the end of his nose.  As I looked at it longer, it looked as though a small chunk had been cut out.

It was currently staring right me, yet I hadn't seen it the last 4 times I had visited him in his office, lol.

And he shares. "It's funny what people actually see.  And what we think people are looking at or not."

It was a huge help for my little scars/imperfections that prolly no one else even notices.  As a matter of fact, after his wisdom, I didn't even have my eyelid "worked" on.

As a matter of fact, it reminded me that my scars and imperfections are actually a reflection of who I am, and what makes me very unique  :)

Z Bonz Dog Park

My new fave place!  Such beautiful surroundings!  And hills, great hills for a great, tough walk!

Took Lily today, on Father's Day.

Her and I walked along the trails first, then I took her to the dog park part.  It was too humid and she got too tired to care about the dog park after the walk lol.

The hills are amazing here, and it's so pretty and soothing.  With the weather getting warmer, gonna have to come without Lily, so I can walk longer, further, explore more of the park.  (Sorry Lily!)

Treatment

Even if it feels like it....

Rich Colors

I find it very intriguing how my thoughts about colors have transitioned through my lifetime.

For instance, even as late as my mid 30s, I thought a champagne-colored car was the best looking car out there!  I thought it felt and looked and implied a rich look or feel.  You know, gold or champagne even implies rich.  Now course, I would never buy a champagne-colored car.

I also find it interesting that in my low to mid twenties, I always yearned for dark wood furniture and thought it was the bomb. I thought it had that "rich" look to it.

I think I forked over about $1,000 on my credit card in my late 20s to buy this really pretty, large credenza with lots of shelves and drawers.  Yep, all because it was dark cherry.  It didn't match one single thing in any room (of course) of my rent house back then in Florida, so I put it in one of the spare bedrooms.  I pretty much just used it as a bookshelf, not really what it was probably intended for.

But it was pretty useful and clever as it had lots of nooks and crannies and shelves and drawers. I actually really adored it.  Until I noticed all the dust.  I didn't even think about how the dark wood would advertise dust so much easier, lol.  How would I know?  I never owned cherry-wood furniture before in my life.

I noticed my light-colored furniture, you could not see the dust as much. And I didn't have to clean it as often; even though I probably should have, lol.  Hey I was young!

In my current house (of a woman in her mid 40s), all my furniture is light-colored.  And I'm even transitioning over to white-colored wood furniture when I have the opportunity.  Those colors seem to open the house up more, like rays of sunshine.  To me, light-colored wood and white colors have a very calming, pretty, open, peaceful "feel" to it.  Which is the exact definition of rich to me now.  Ironic, huh?

Peace is now my definition of "rich."  Not rich with money, but rich in life.

Still, it's pretty interesting how the colors in our lives change as we grow up.

(and yes, I currently own a white car!)

Eagle Mountain State Park

Unfortunately dogs not allowed, but I really wanted to be challenged​ on Sunday. And this location (Eagle Mountain State Park, north of Fort Worth, Texas) is really a bitch to hike lol. It's also a really great and beautiful scenic hike, tho, too.  Been here only 2-3 times I think.

I saw some deer this time!  SO awesome!  They barely ran away, it was really cool.

Every person, couple, or family that I walked past I would say, "Good morning!"  That's about 40 hello's! Only 2 people didn't reply - peckers, lol.  Let's hope they were listening to music and just didn't hear me. :)

I walked almost 2 1/2 hours - yes, got some blisters on my feet lol.  Very well worth it!  May go back this weekend because it's so tough on me, yet beautiful.

Pecan Valley Park

Took Lily to Art Cowsen Trailhead (at Pecan Valley Park) in Fort Worth, Texas on Saturday.

We had been here before, but this time stayed more on the paved path than checking out all the trails into the woods.

Still really like this location.  Bikers have plenty of room and lots for Lily and I to see and enjoy the outdoors!

Even saw some beautiful horses this time.  :)

Valley of Fire State Park, Nevada

Had sooooo much fun yesterday hiking and exploring with my girlfriend Robin in Nevada!!  Memory making day :)  Even saw prehistoric petroglyphs.  So cool!

Robin and I decided every time I come to Vegas we will visit an outdoor spot to hike and explore and learn.
There seems to be a ton of cool locations around Vegas.  I'm excited about our new plans to get around nature.  Her and I both really LOVE the outdoors.

(Click collage photo to enlarge)

And here's my friend Robin, getting some shade:

Example for Kids

One of my friends shared with me something so powerful about being a parent, that I think of it quite often.  I had never heard of this before, even tho it now seems so obvious, yet I don't think many parents think this way (or maybe they do, and I just don't know it?).

I strongly feel if all parents lived this way / felt this way / did this, that kids would grow up "better" and have better relationships in their lives.

We all realize that the way we grow up affects us as adults.  I'm starting to see that a lot more lately, so these words he spoke last year have been in my mind even more.

My friend has a daughter and a son.

What my friend told me was basically, he treats his wife in such a way that he wants his son to "see" and understand how he should treat a woman.  And he wants his daughter to "see" and understand how a woman should be treated by a man.

I truly believe the world would be a different place if all parents felt this way and acted this way.

I don't think this crossed the mind of my parents.  Or many of my friends' parents.

Maybe I'm naive and a lot of parents already think this way, but I think it's a truly beautiful concept.  Why aren't we all talking about it??

I imagine he hardly ever raises his voice at his wife in front of the kids, shows affection to her, and SHOWS his kids he loves his wife with daily things like communicating well, doing things together, holding hands, etc.

My Dad told me once how he used to witness his Dad in the kitchen hugging his Mom from behind so lovingly.  I think that's why he was so affectionate towards my Mom and I  and then his new wife - because he saw all that as a child.

Profound way of thinking to be a great example and helpful for the future of your children imo.

Grapevine Lake Trails

I finally was able to visit the hiking trails in Grapevine, Texas along Grapevine Lake.

I did this deliberately on Mother's Day, so I would be distracted (didn't work).  But it was a gorgeous day and I was VERY thankful.

Strange Squirrel Behavior - from my Dad

I'm still in a de-cluttering phase and am currently going through some old emails in my inbox.

That's a lot of memories I'm running across... kinda brutal lol.

But here's a cool one.  My Dad (StepDad) would email a couple of times a week, usually to provide updates and little stories about the pets and my Mom from San Antonio.

This one was a good gem:

Yesterday, Sunday, I was enjoying the fine weather we had been having. I was in my power chair retrieving the mail. As I started to turn towards the mailbox I noticed I was being observed by a rather large squirrel across the street. As I slowly made my way towards my mail box this intense creature was following me. I became concerned for my safety. The chirping and chattering became deafening, the bandit came bouncing into the street scarring the daylights out of me, I was barely able to grab my mail and retreat into the back yard with this mad hatter chasing me. When I closed the first gate he ran back across the street into his own territory.  I need to get me a stun gun to defend myself from this dastardly villain. I guess Mom will have to go get the mail from now on. I barely escaped with my life.

:)

CareTaking Too Much.... and What About Myself?

As I promised, here are my thoughts about something from my childhood affecting me as an adult... just ONE of the things I'm reflecting about.

This is in reference to the blog post I wrote about in regard to Iyanla's tv show and the self evaluation / self reflecting going on within me (not all bad because I can learn from it, but yes some shock and awe to the awareness and new realizations lol).

One thing I believe I see from my childhood that has at times been somewhat of a hindrance and has had an affect on me is, I am a big caretaker.

That may sound like a good thing.  But I can tell you at times it is not.

Further, it shockingly now makes sense why I crave being taken care of or shown appreciation. Because I've been the caretaker for most of my life.

When someone does even the slightest thoughtful thing for me or think of me on tough days, I crater into tears with happy emotions.  You thought of me?  OMGosh!  I can also understand now why when an ex bf made eggs and bacon while I got ready for work, meant the world to me.  Why when I went to my Dad's house in Virginia and his wife cut me an apple to eat, how much that meant to me.  It felt like love.  It felt so nice being cared for.  To be thought of.  I can't even put into words how warm and loved I felt.

It sounds silly to think that a cut up apple would make me feel love, but when you have to do that for everyone and yourself, it makes that act that much sweeter.

Even when people help me with things like help running a tour, or fixing something in my house, or a neighbor helping me take things down from the attic, it comes with sincere thankfulness.  And even the little things - when a friend recognizes to grab an empty bag to put trash in it (instead of me doing it first), really just means the world to me.  It feels I'm being taken care of and thought of, which I haven't seen a lot in life - only given.

I don't mind taking care of myself, but I notice when others help me, I get very emotional because it's so few and far between.  And I admit I really do love being taken care of because it's so rare.

Of course, I also get a tinge of huge disappointment when I'm not thought of on tough days. Reminds me how alone I really am and can't count of anyone but myself and God (those are two pretty powerful people, but can you imagine if I had even a smidgen of thoughtfulness being shown to me from the people I care about or yearn to hear from?).

I do so much for others all the time, and while I am not complaining and I enjoy it most of the time, I do admit it gets tough to do all the time.  And now that I'm alone, I'm still the caretaker - for myself.

A friend of mine has claimed steadfastly, "I am a caretaker" - makes me wonder if she is proud of that, just has acceptance of who she is, and/or if she has the same feelings I do when someone does sweet things for me unexpected?  (I will ask her)

I don't mind being helpful of others or myself - I love surprising people and doing things for others, and doing things for myself.  But, I can for sure say that at times I have done TOO much for others, also.

I recognize I have taken care of my ex's way TOO much.  After one 3-year break up, I asked the guy, "did I pay for too many things and made you feel less of a man?"  The answer was of course yes.  Even if he really liked me paying for things because he didn't have the money to have the fun we were having, in the long run, I got into debt and he ended up not feeling manly.  (side note:  I must add that this ex hardly EVER did anything for me.  Definitely never took care of me at all - no gifts in 3 years, never helped around the house, etc.  But it was ME that stayed with him anyway.  I was definitely not an aware person back then.)

Even in high school, I bought so many gifts for a female friend, my parents sat me down at the kitchen table for a talk to ask me if I was having a sexual relationship with her.  What?  No.  I was just super caring and I had more allowance than her and she was very poor.

So, you can see it started way early.

But, it's not just with money, it's with doing things for others.  I surprise people with gifts they mention in passing, or send cards (yes, people still send cards), and I recently was there for a friend who went through a really tough surgery.  I was there every day before and after work checking in on him in the hospital.  While he called me his Guardian Angel, I can tell you I cried every single time I would walk in to the hospital because it reminded me of my Mom and Dad.

And when I take care of people, I don't think to take care of myself.  I'm the last person I think of.  So, taking care of my Mom for 5 years, I was on the back burner and doing self destructive things.

However, I must say I would NEVER take away taking care of my Mom or helping my friend.  I loved doing it, even if it was hard.  My Mom raised me, least I could do was take care of her when she couldn't in her last years of her tough life.  It was actually an honor and a true blessing.  I wouldn't change it for the world.

When my Mom was in the hospital the very first time (and over 4 hours away from where I lived), I would visit and take care of her and my Dad for a week or so at a time.  I would be on the night shift in the hospital with Mom, then go home and fix doors, pay bills, file their taxes, go to the grocery store, and clean their house.  Then go back to the hospital, after helping my Dad who was in a wheelchair get to go see my Mom.

These things don't sound so bad, huh?  Well, while the work ethic was instilled in me and the caring of others was instilled in me, I also used to go overboard.  Further, because I help so many others, I don't know what it feels like to receive care often.  So when it does happen, I tend to break down being thought of or cared for.

So, let's get back to the childhood.  I don't think I was ever taken care of.  I mean, I was raised by my parents, but I also took care of them.  When my Mom was drunk, I would take care of her.  When my Dad beat my Mom, I took care of her.  My Mom showed love by buying things for me, but as an only child, it made sense.  We didn't have a lot of money and I didn't want any fancy clothes (luckily), but my Mom showered me with love and affection and bought me things.

But also being an only child comes with most all of the responsibilities.  I'm very happy and pleased that I'm self sufficient because of the way I was raised and what I was taught by helping my parents around the house or yard instead of playing with the neighborhood kids on Saturday mornings.  But I also don't recall being taken care of.  I mean, I had to have been, right?  But the divorce (I was 7 years old) took a lot out of my Mom and eventually she got amnesia and I had to go get a neighbor telling her, "something is wrong with my Mom, she doesn't remember anything."  Turns out the stress of the divorce and deep heartbreak had a very weird affect on my Mom's mental status.  After a stint in a depression ward, she came out with crafts she had made for me and she was Mom again.

When she started to date, I was kinda left alone.  When she met my StepDad, they had their years of drunkenness together and I took care of them and myself when they could not for themselves.

All the times my Dad kept me up literally all night talking to me, my only saving grace was my Mom waking up at 5am and I could run to her to "save" me from his berating me for hours over God knows what slight infraction I had done.  Her walking to the kitchen for coffee gave me my "out" to finally be able to leave the living room because she would mention I had school that day.

After my Dad stopped drinking and smoking pot, he was still mentally unstable.  My Mom and I shivered together, but we survived it.  My Mom didn't stop drinking til I was in college - that's a lot teen years taking care of my Mom, while also dealing with my Dad yelling at me for something lol.

I also was left by my real Dad.  Well, my Mom and I both were.  I wasn't able to ask him until I was 35 years old (we didn't have contact for 20 years) why he left us.  To hear the difference in the stories from his mouth, his wife's mouth, and what my Mom said was so different, it was confusing to me. But, bottom line is he left us.  As a child, that doesn't make sense.  I didn't ride my bike or climb a tree in my teens wondering about why he left us, but I'm sure it has to affect me as an adult on some level.  And my Mom sure thought about it and cried about it for years and years (even after she was remarried).  I took care of her then, as well.  Not really doing anything magical, but just being with her, being by her side, being the one person in the world she loved more than anything. 

I want to state that no matter the childhood I had, I have turned into a woman I love.  I do not forsake my childhood AT ALL.  I've written before how I have no ill-feelings about the way I was raised or how I was raised.  I loved my childhood, really.  I also LOVE my parents (all of them!).  I don't even think of the tough times (did I even have tough times?).  To me it was just life.  And when I reflect back, it's usually of the good memories.  So, I'm not sitting around upset about my childhood at all; I really did have a great childhood!  I've just been reflecting on it lately and wondering if some of the things I went through has affected me as an adult.  Iyanla helping others (and us luckily getting to watch and learn through the tv cameras), has been a great thing for me, and I now see why I am a caretaker.  And also why I crave being taken care of.

SO.

What am I going to do with this knowledge??

Great question.

Besides stop doing the obvious - doing TOO much for others - I am going to consciously try and do things for myself in a caring way.  In other words, sometimes I would get a foot massage because I wanted one that day.  Now, I'm looking at it more like, "take care of yourself - go get a foot massage."

I also need to remember myself because I am still helping others with situations or things (i.e. being a somewhat of a caretaker on some level for many).

I'm really just going to work on having a different perspective on doing things for myself, caring for myself.  Trying to look at it as, taking care of me.  Living alone and not having family or friends close, and learning that I can't depend on anyone, this is what I need to do because there is no one else around to provide this care.  Or is there?  YES!  Me.  :)

It's not to say I wasn't doing things for myself - I was.  But I am hopeful that changing my perspective and recognizing that being cared for is something sought after in me, and so this new perspective to do things for myself, specifically to take care of myself, is the KEY.   Does that make sense lol?  It does to me .  :)