That Male Neighbor

When I was a kid, maybe around 11 years old, I was helping a male neighbor with some yard work in his front yard. I grew up in San Antonio as an only child and the weather was nice most of the year to be outdoors and so I'm sure I was out playing outside and then started to help him with something. I don't recall what. And that's not the point of this story anyway.

I don't remember his name, don't even remember him all that much except for this one particular incident.

Of course, I was just a child back then and don't recall exactly the man's age (prolly in his late 30s or early 40s?), his name, if he had a family, not much at all. I don't think he had kids, though. Can't recall a wife or not. I just remember this white guy and this certain day.  Other than this certain day, I have no other recollection of him, honestly.

So, I'm this little naïve girl helping him with something in the yard and I think he said he was going indoors (maybe for a snack or lunch?) and I asked him if I could go in too.

He replied words that I didn't comprehend as a child, and didn't really think of till years and years later after I moved away from home. Actually, it's not something that crosses my mind often, although it prolly should.

He told me something along the lines of, "You are a little girl and I'm a grown man. It's not proper for you to be alone in a house with a male that you barely know."

I had no clue what he really meant. I wasn't even remotely old enough to understand the true depth of his words, I just said, "okay' and trotted back to my house to play in my yard. I had no clue how impactful his words and advice really were.

As I reflect back, WOW how amazing and smart this guy was for me/him. He barely knew me. I barely new him. I was just this little girl who played outside a lot.

Eventually a family would move in later who became very quiet and I never really saw outdoors. I recall them living in that same house for all my teen years.

I was lucky that that man didn't take advantage of the situation or me. I am very blessed he was cognizant of what that situation could even look like for us.

It was a split second moment in time for me/him. I didn't understand or grasp what he said at the time, but now I recognize how powerful his words were way back then. I hope that moment had crossed his mind as well. He should be thanked, and he should feel good about himself for handling that situation like he did.

One of the reasons this hits home with me, is this was over 35 years ago. Who was thinking that way back near 1980? Back then we were all so much more trusting. Hitchhiking with no worries, trusting almost anyone, etc. Even as I started this blog post, many reading it in today's world may have thought I was going to share a traumatic story, instead of this bright path, right?

To fathom the depth of the maturity of him and that situation is pretty cool.

I'm Scared of Monkeys

I think we all have something we are scared of.  Maybe for you it's heights, snakes, midgets, dogs, or spiders, etc.  My "frightener" is monkeys.

I don't think they are cute, and I don't want to be around them, and I don't have an appreciation for them.  Esp the small ones - they are the scariest to me!

I have a friend who was bit by a dog when she was little and she is literally petrified of dogs who roam free and come anywhere near her.  PETRIFIED.

Well, I'm not really petrified of monkeys, mostly because they don't roam free.  But, I def don't like them and I def don't see them as cute.

When I was little girl at the San Antonio zoo, I climb my cute butt over the fence to grab a few pieces of the food for the monkeys that were on the cement between their cage and some bushes.  The bushes were meant as a guard so we couldn't touch or reach their cages.  Well, I realize that now lol.  But as a small child, I didn't have any change to buy their food from the gumball-looking contraption and instead I saw the food over there on the ground for free.  Hey, I was a child, don't judge!  lol.

As I slipped from the eyes of my Mom, and climbed that fence (it was a short and metal fence, but sturdy), I got by the bushes, picked up the quarter-sized snack and BAM!  A dang monkey grabbed my arm hard!  I swung my head around to see what was grabbing me and omg I was terrified!  Our eyes were fixated on each other and I jerked back as hard as I could to try and break free from this killing creature.  After what seemed like 5 minutes, I was finally able to escape his grasp!  I then jumped back over the fence like I was an Olympic hurdler in first place.  I was scared, shaking, heart racing, wait - petrified!

I have never forgotten that day.  And so of course now I don't think monkeys are cute... at all.

Dang, I was just trying to gather food for them - to give back to them. 

Since then, when I go to zoos I barely look at the killers, I mean monkeys.  Gorillas are okay, orangutans are fine and even a little funny.  I'll check them out.  But their ancestors, the crazy-ass monkeys.  Not interested.  I'm still SCARED!

Becoming a Friend

My friend is dying.

We don't know when he will pass or any timeline, but he went from being cancer free from esophageal cancer/surgery, to tumors in his brain in a 9 month period.

Don't get me wrong, he's not in hospice or anything.  He drives himself to Walmart or to his doc appointments, picks up his favorite ice cream or soup, so he's not on a physical deathbed.  But he's on a mental deathbed.

What started out as me helping raise money for him, has led to good a friendship.  He calls me his guardian angel.  He tells me I improved his quality of life.  And all I've really done is be there for him in the hospital (everyone needs an advocate), been a listening ear to his thoughts (whether daily routine thoughts or worrisome thoughts), and a few times I have paid a phone bill or did his laundry when he was too exhausted to get to the laundry mat.  I am the first person he calls if he has been admitted to the hospital.  I am his friend.  And he is dying.

I am not the only friend who helps him.  Two of his friends, Wes and Courtney, have also been there for him many, many times as well.  Dave calls us the "Dream Team."

He tells me all the time, "I've lived a great life, Melinda."  And he firmly believes it.  Which I admire.

He sometimes makes jokes about dying, but I can imagine he sits in his efficiency apartment and doesn't joke to himself about it.

Dave used to live out of his car for about 10 years.  Some would call that being homeless, but he didn't label it - he just saw it as his life for the last 10 years.  Being in the hospital with cancer in 2017, led to social workers helping him find a place to live, and also led them to help him sign up for a small social security check every month.  He hasn't had a regular income in YEARS.  His only income the last 10 years was from playing pool either in tournaments or gambling.

But he's still lived a great life.  Has lived in Ohio and Texas and Florida.  He worked for the railroad company for about 10 years in the 70s before he realized he could make a ton more money playing pool.  He's been all around, knows a ton of people, seen a lot.

And my friend is dying.

Again, no way to know when the end will come (well, for anyone, right?), could be one year from now for him or could be 3 months.  Only God knows when he will call him up.

He says things like, "That movie Annihilation came out.  I was hoping I'd still be alive to see it and here I am."  Or, as we pick out two 12-packs of his favorite shakes, "Do I really need that many shakes?  I don't know if I'll be alive in 24 days."

He's not living like he's dying, though, which is a really good thing.  If he had more stamina, he'd play pool every day like usual; now he only plays every once in a while.  But he still goes to the movie theater, still checks out sales on clothes at JC Penny, runs his own errands, etc.  You'd never really know he has brain cancer unless you were told - he walks around like every normal person and takes care of himself.

I have told him I want to be by his side when he passes; I don't want him to be alone.  He said he would understand if it's too tough to watch him die, but the only hand he wants to be holding is mine.

I am honored to be this person for him.  HONORED.  It would be my privilege.

Sure, it will be tough.  But I truly believe since I was by my Mom's side when she passed, I will have the strength and knowledge to be there for Dave when his time comes.

My friend is dying.  Did I mention that?

Here we are back in July 2017 at a tournament I was running when he got in my photo when I was trying to take selfie lol:

The Effects of Not Having Children

This is a story about a woman who didn't want kids.  And the potential impact to others.

I grew up an only child.  Was never really around other kids, especially never around babies.

I was told my whole life that at some point my motherly instincts would kick in very loudly and I'd magically want to have kids.  Still waiting!  Never happened.  Not once.  Not even a smidgeon.  Is there really a loud boom?

So when I dated a guy in my 20s for 5 1/2 years, I knew the whole time I didn't want to have kids.  At the end of our relationship when we finally talked having kids (TIP - talk about it sooner!), I told him I didn't want to.  He was a tad upset wasting all that time with me.  But his other response was sweet: Yes, I  want to have kids, but I want to have kids with you.  Sweet or not, the boom still wasn't there.  At that I point, even with all the other issues we were having, we were done.

I couldn't give him what he wanted.  And he should go find a woman he loved who wanted kids as much as he did.

My next boyfriend I was with for 7 years.  We talked about kids much sooner.  I was very straight forward:  You want kids, don't date me.  I can't tell you if I will or wont want kids some day, but I can tell you right now I do not.  

I knew I couldn't tell the future, so I had to leave some smidgeon of an out if I did some day hear that boom to have kids.  

He responded very kindly:  I'd rather be with you and no kids, than not with you.  We eventually married, then divorced.  No kids.

My point of this jaunt down memory lane really isn't about me.  It's about these two guys.  One spent 5 1/2 year with me in his 20s, wasting his time with a woman who didn't want to have children.  The other spent 7 years of his life in his 30s being in the same non-boom boat with me.  

Both of these men today still do not have kids (even after 10-20 years).  

I wonder if I "stole" their prime years to meet someone who they could have had kids with? 

Now, I've stated before I have no regrets in life (still stand by that belief, as I believe everything happens for a reason).  If they each went on to meet a great woman and have kids, I'd feel quite different about these wonderments.  But neither did.  Each had a subsequent long term relationship after me, and each didn't have kids still.  One eventually married and "gained" a family with about 4 children and I just know he's on cloud nine!  But each of these men never had kids of their own.

Did I stop them from having kids after me?  Well, hardly.  Could they have found a great woman to have kids with?  I'm sure.

I guess just wasn't in the cards for them.  And no boom for me.  

I sense we are all very happy people still running around on earth, not disgruntled or depressed or suicidal we didn't have kids.  But, it's still pretty wild thoughts I thought of the other day and wanted to capture in words in my blog.