Gretchen Carlson's 'coming out' inspired me to share my story.
I work in a very male-dominated field. When I entered my job (career) fresh out of college back in 1992, there were very few females around.
I was told things like, "don't share if you have car problems, it shows weakness and that you can't do things on your own." Whereas now I share this information to GET advice. The difference between 'back then' and 'now' is light years.
This also included how guys spoke about and to females in my office.
One of my coworkers started to make direct, rude comments to me about my body. I got so uncomfortable with his words, it got to the point where I was scared to go into work in fear of running into him. I was literally afraid of what he might say to me each day.
Instead of coming in early to relieve him on shift, for example, I would wait until the last minute to walk in so he wouldn't have any extra time to make rude and lewd comments that were deeply affecting me. He started to leave voicemails on my home phone, "where are you??" even though I still had a few minutes to walk in the office door.
The guy would say things like this to me at work:
- you need to eat more so your chest will grow
- wear shorter skirts so you can show more
- I searched the bar parking lots on Friday night to see if your car was there
- my son has a really big dick
- I bet your cherry is already popped
One time he had the audacity to show photos of his wife in a bathtub to our coworkers. When I asked others about it, they would all say, "oh, that's just how he is." Even though I could tell they were uncomfortable and didn't want to see his nude wife.
I was very intimidated and petrified so I just did the only thing I knew how: tried to avoid him. My boyfriend at the time noticed how much I changed - depressed and scared and didn't want to go to work. He finally told me, "you are being sexually harassed."
"I am?" At that time in the early 90s, that term wasn't even commonplace. All I knew was that I was scared to death to see the guy or be around him for fear of what he might say about me or my body. I had a lot of anxiety and fell into depression.
My boyfriend suggested I talk to my boss. So..... I did. My boss said to me, "well, sexual harassment can depend on a lot of things and interpretation. For, example did he say you looked nice in an outfit?"
I shared what all he actually said to me and my boss looked at me dead in the eye disappointed and said, "yes, you are being sexually harassed. I will talk to him."
After he was 'talked to,' he apologized to me (you could tell he got a verbal whipping) and he said he would never speak to me again about anything except work-related things. We still had to brief each other between shifts sometimes, but from that point on he never said anything else and he left work promptly.
The only thing he added after the apology was, "I wish you would have talked to me first."
In my opinion, that statement revealed a lot. It proved I was not comfortable to talk to him about my anxiety and issues with him (who confronts or tries to talk to an aggressor?) and it proved he had no idea how difficult it had been for me. While I understand he was upset at me for getting him 'in trouble,' I could barely be around him without being scared or nervous. Why in the world would I have the courage to say anything to him when I felt like a turtle hiding, not able to speak, scared of him, and trying to avoid him?
I think he was just comfy at work and that's how he spoke to everyone. He had no idea how damaging his words were, though. I was right out of college and thrown into what seemed like a pit of snakes. And all my coworkers just accepted his lewd behavior.
One of the coworkers kinda defended him, "you didn't have to get him in trouble, ya know." I got mad and snapped at him, "HE SEXUALLY HARASSED ME!" I shouted in tears defending myself, and the guy slithered away. I had finally defended myself, even if to the wrong person.
Little did I know 3-4 years later I would experience sexual harassment again, in the same office, but with a different individual.
Our office was moved some 60 miles away and there was a lot of turn-over with the staff. One of the new guys made me feel VERY uneasy. He was always staring at me and looking at me all day long and he made me feel very uncomfortable. One day I had a pendant on my necklace and he asked me about it. Then all of a sudden he reached right towards me and lifted it up off my chest to take a closer look at it. While that may seem innocent, he actually touched my breast, and I immediately went into turtle mode and stood there frozen in fear.
I finally confided and vented often to a coworker/friend how paralyzed and petrified I felt around him. I was nervous to be in the same room with him because he made me feel so uneasy, even with others around he was very menacing to me.
I wasn't the type of girl to say, "stop that!" I instead was the type who got scared and froze in those situations. He was older, bigger, intimidating, and I was mentally frail and scared.
We had a 'workshop' one afternoon in the office about EEO and sexual harassment in the work place. In that class (that he did not attend btw), that coworker I confided in heard this: "sometimes you have to speak up for others."
One day I come into work and I'm blindsided - my boss wants to talk to me. I walk in her office and also sitting there is the boss of the guy who was sexually harassing me.
My friend had told them what was happening to me and they wanted to know if it was true.
Yes.
All true.
I didn't come forward because of the backlash from this guy. If he got mad at me for 'telling on him,' how would he treat me then? I was already so intimidated and scared to be around him.
The bosses were disappointed I had been treated that way and been through it. I begged them not to say anything to him, but they said they had to. The staring and 'looks' continued but he stopped talking to me and other females in the offices, luckily.
I thanked my coworker for speaking up for me, because I was too shy and afraid to do it myself.
Almost 10 years later, I was at a new office and word got around that a guy who had been sexually harassing women was to be reassigned to our office. When I heard this, I LOST it. I got upset, crying, raising my voice how I could not be around someone like that again! It's amazing how affected I was at just the thought of having to deal with that again.
(for the record this new employee has yet to make comments to me personally, but a few female visitors have felt uncomfortable because of him and his words).
One thing we were taught in that 'class:' if you wouldn't say something to a coworker with their spouse or your spouse standing there, then you should never say it. That's kind of the 'thermometer' for situations.
As you are reading this you may think these aren't /that/ uncomfortable situations. But I can tell you that as I type all this out my heart is racing and I have anxiety just thinking about it. Those instances were very traumatic for me in the workplace.
And, if you have daughters or sisters, I can guarantee you wouldn't want them to feel this uncomfortable.
I am just grateful things have changed in the workplace, and that I always had supportive bosses for when I did finally talk to them.
#standwithgretchen
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