My biological Father and I hadn't seen each other in over 20 years
when I finally invited him and his wife to visit me in Texas when I was
35.
When you see someone in person for the first time
in that long of a separation, you finally get to ask the questions that
have been on your mind, that you could never truly express in an email
or phone call.
The second day of his visit, we were sitting on my back porch and the topic of my Mom came up; his ex wife.
He
and his new wife had this "vision" of my Mom - that she went out for
blood back in the late 1970s. But in reality, she was a paralegal at a
law firm and THEY went after him. But,
she never wanted his money. She wanted /him/. But all they saw was the
numerous lawyer letters and forms.
My Dad didn't make that much money back then and here comes the child
support and ex-spouse support. While they didn't know why my Mom "went
after them," we had no idea how poor they lived for years and sacrificed
because of it. I didn't find out until that weekend how tough it had been for them.
My Dad sat there, smoking his stupid
cigarette and asked me on this cool, crisp, beautiful morning, "Why did
your Mom hate me so much?" Without skipping a beat I answered, "she
doesn't hate you, she loves you."
He looked back at me, stunned. Absolute shock at what I just said to him.
It was one of the
most poignant exchanges I've had with a person.
I don't think he ever thought about it that way. And I never thought about it from his point of view, but then how could he? How could he know that all I ever heard while growing up was how
broken-hearted my Mom was. She missed him more than life itself. Even
30-40 years later, she still thought about him and still talked about how much she missed him. She never understood why he left, and she never got over it.
Oh, "hate" was not the word. Love was. "Love" was the word.
Friday, July 15, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Last Hurrah
They say right before death for ill people, that they have a "last hurrah" moment. It's written about often in literature and articles. Something they normally wouldn't have the desire or energy for. Or, for some, they seem to have a moment of recovery. Some people say it's God's way of giving last time to say a an informal goodbye.
This was my Mom's - first time in 3 years she said yes to eating out with me! Almost exactly a month later, she would leave me and the world behind. This was at Carrabbas! We had such a great day shopping at Macy's and eating out. <3 p="">
This was July 12th, 2011:
This was my Mom's - first time in 3 years she said yes to eating out with me! Almost exactly a month later, she would leave me and the world behind. This was at Carrabbas! We had such a great day shopping at Macy's and eating out. <3 p="">
This was July 12th, 2011:
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Cancer Sucks
Heartbreaking when you get two calls in a week about cancer.
One of my friends' wife was diagnosed with lung cancer. They just found out and he shared the news with me this week. I teared up as he told me Thursday, "she's my best friend and the love of my life." He's trying to stay positive and he says his wife is being a trooper, but she's very fragile. I feel so badly they are going through this.
And then... I got off the phone bawling Friday afternoon. My friend just found out that day he has throat cancer. He said, "I just wanted to call you and tell you I love you." He's never told me that before, til today.
He also said he's not scared or depressed, and that he's lived a great life. "If it takes me, it takes me." I told him we could all learn something from him. I was astonished with his words. He's still going to fight it, but he's being very calm at the moment.
Heartbreaking...
One of my friends' wife was diagnosed with lung cancer. They just found out and he shared the news with me this week. I teared up as he told me Thursday, "she's my best friend and the love of my life." He's trying to stay positive and he says his wife is being a trooper, but she's very fragile. I feel so badly they are going through this.
And then... I got off the phone bawling Friday afternoon. My friend just found out that day he has throat cancer. He said, "I just wanted to call you and tell you I love you." He's never told me that before, til today.
He also said he's not scared or depressed, and that he's lived a great life. "If it takes me, it takes me." I told him we could all learn something from him. I was astonished with his words. He's still going to fight it, but he's being very calm at the moment.
Heartbreaking...
Friday, July 8, 2016
I Was Sexually Harassed
I am a statistic of sexual harassment in the work place.
Gretchen Carlson's 'coming out' inspired me to share my story.
I work in a very male-dominated field. When I entered my job (career) fresh out of college back in 1992, there were very few females around.
I was told things like, "don't share if you have car problems, it shows weakness and that you can't do things on your own." Whereas now I share this information to GET advice. The difference between 'back then' and 'now' is light years.
This also included how guys spoke about and to females in my office.
One of my coworkers started to make direct, rude comments to me about my body. I got so uncomfortable with his words, it got to the point where I was scared to go into work in fear of running into him. I was literally afraid of what he might say to me each day.
Instead of coming in early to relieve him on shift, for example, I would wait until the last minute to walk in so he wouldn't have any extra time to make rude and lewd comments that were deeply affecting me. He started to leave voicemails on my home phone, "where are you??" even though I still had a few minutes to walk in the office door.
The guy would say things like this to me at work:
One time he had the audacity to show photos of his wife in a bathtub to our coworkers. When I asked others about it, they would all say, "oh, that's just how he is." Even though I could tell they were uncomfortable and didn't want to see his nude wife.
I was very intimidated and petrified so I just did the only thing I knew how: tried to avoid him. My boyfriend at the time noticed how much I changed - depressed and scared and didn't want to go to work. He finally told me, "you are being sexually harassed."
"I am?" At that time in the early 90s, that term wasn't even commonplace. All I knew was that I was scared to death to see the guy or be around him for fear of what he might say about me or my body. I had a lot of anxiety and fell into depression.
My boyfriend suggested I talk to my boss. So..... I did. My boss said to me, "well, sexual harassment can depend on a lot of things and interpretation. For, example did he say you looked nice in an outfit?"
I shared what all he actually said to me and my boss looked at me dead in the eye disappointed and said, "yes, you are being sexually harassed. I will talk to him."
After he was 'talked to,' he apologized to me (you could tell he got a verbal whipping) and he said he would never speak to me again about anything except work-related things. We still had to brief each other between shifts sometimes, but from that point on he never said anything else and he left work promptly.
The only thing he added after the apology was, "I wish you would have talked to me first."
In my opinion, that statement revealed a lot. It proved I was not comfortable to talk to him about my anxiety and issues with him (who confronts or tries to talk to an aggressor?) and it proved he had no idea how difficult it had been for me. While I understand he was upset at me for getting him 'in trouble,' I could barely be around him without being scared or nervous. Why in the world would I have the courage to say anything to him when I felt like a turtle hiding, not able to speak, scared of him, and trying to avoid him?
I think he was just comfy at work and that's how he spoke to everyone. He had no idea how damaging his words were, though. I was right out of college and thrown into what seemed like a pit of snakes. And all my coworkers just accepted his lewd behavior.
One of the coworkers kinda defended him, "you didn't have to get him in trouble, ya know." I got mad and snapped at him, "HE SEXUALLY HARASSED ME!" I shouted in tears defending myself, and the guy slithered away. I had finally defended myself, even if to the wrong person.
Little did I know 3-4 years later I would experience sexual harassment again, in the same office, but with a different individual.
Our office was moved some 60 miles away and there was a lot of turn-over with the staff. One of the new guys made me feel VERY uneasy. He was always staring at me and looking at me all day long and he made me feel very uncomfortable. One day I had a pendant on my necklace and he asked me about it. Then all of a sudden he reached right towards me and lifted it up off my chest to take a closer look at it. While that may seem innocent, he actually touched my breast, and I immediately went into turtle mode and stood there frozen in fear.
I finally confided and vented often to a coworker/friend how paralyzed and petrified I felt around him. I was nervous to be in the same room with him because he made me feel so uneasy, even with others around he was very menacing to me.
I wasn't the type of girl to say, "stop that!" I instead was the type who got scared and froze in those situations. He was older, bigger, intimidating, and I was mentally frail and scared.
We had a 'workshop' one afternoon in the office about EEO and sexual harassment in the work place. In that class (that he did not attend btw), that coworker I confided in heard this: "sometimes you have to speak up for others."
One day I come into work and I'm blindsided - my boss wants to talk to me. I walk in her office and also sitting there is the boss of the guy who was sexually harassing me.
My friend had told them what was happening to me and they wanted to know if it was true.
Yes.
All true.
I didn't come forward because of the backlash from this guy. If he got mad at me for 'telling on him,' how would he treat me then? I was already so intimidated and scared to be around him.
The bosses were disappointed I had been treated that way and been through it. I begged them not to say anything to him, but they said they had to. The staring and 'looks' continued but he stopped talking to me and other females in the offices, luckily.
I thanked my coworker for speaking up for me, because I was too shy and afraid to do it myself.
Almost 10 years later, I was at a new office and word got around that a guy who had been sexually harassing women was to be reassigned to our office. When I heard this, I LOST it. I got upset, crying, raising my voice how I could not be around someone like that again! It's amazing how affected I was at just the thought of having to deal with that again.
(for the record this new employee has yet to make comments to me personally, but a few female visitors have felt uncomfortable because of him and his words).
One thing we were taught in that 'class:' if you wouldn't say something to a coworker with their spouse or your spouse standing there, then you should never say it. That's kind of the 'thermometer' for situations.
As you are reading this you may think these aren't /that/ uncomfortable situations. But I can tell you that as I type all this out my heart is racing and I have anxiety just thinking about it. Those instances were very traumatic for me in the workplace.
And, if you have daughters or sisters, I can guarantee you wouldn't want them to feel this uncomfortable.
I am just grateful things have changed in the workplace, and that I always had supportive bosses for when I did finally talk to them.
#standwithgretchen
Gretchen Carlson's 'coming out' inspired me to share my story.
I work in a very male-dominated field. When I entered my job (career) fresh out of college back in 1992, there were very few females around.
I was told things like, "don't share if you have car problems, it shows weakness and that you can't do things on your own." Whereas now I share this information to GET advice. The difference between 'back then' and 'now' is light years.
This also included how guys spoke about and to females in my office.
One of my coworkers started to make direct, rude comments to me about my body. I got so uncomfortable with his words, it got to the point where I was scared to go into work in fear of running into him. I was literally afraid of what he might say to me each day.
Instead of coming in early to relieve him on shift, for example, I would wait until the last minute to walk in so he wouldn't have any extra time to make rude and lewd comments that were deeply affecting me. He started to leave voicemails on my home phone, "where are you??" even though I still had a few minutes to walk in the office door.
The guy would say things like this to me at work:
- you need to eat more so your chest will grow
- wear shorter skirts so you can show more
- I searched the bar parking lots on Friday night to see if your car was there
- my son has a really big dick
- I bet your cherry is already popped
One time he had the audacity to show photos of his wife in a bathtub to our coworkers. When I asked others about it, they would all say, "oh, that's just how he is." Even though I could tell they were uncomfortable and didn't want to see his nude wife.
I was very intimidated and petrified so I just did the only thing I knew how: tried to avoid him. My boyfriend at the time noticed how much I changed - depressed and scared and didn't want to go to work. He finally told me, "you are being sexually harassed."
"I am?" At that time in the early 90s, that term wasn't even commonplace. All I knew was that I was scared to death to see the guy or be around him for fear of what he might say about me or my body. I had a lot of anxiety and fell into depression.
My boyfriend suggested I talk to my boss. So..... I did. My boss said to me, "well, sexual harassment can depend on a lot of things and interpretation. For, example did he say you looked nice in an outfit?"
I shared what all he actually said to me and my boss looked at me dead in the eye disappointed and said, "yes, you are being sexually harassed. I will talk to him."
After he was 'talked to,' he apologized to me (you could tell he got a verbal whipping) and he said he would never speak to me again about anything except work-related things. We still had to brief each other between shifts sometimes, but from that point on he never said anything else and he left work promptly.
The only thing he added after the apology was, "I wish you would have talked to me first."
In my opinion, that statement revealed a lot. It proved I was not comfortable to talk to him about my anxiety and issues with him (who confronts or tries to talk to an aggressor?) and it proved he had no idea how difficult it had been for me. While I understand he was upset at me for getting him 'in trouble,' I could barely be around him without being scared or nervous. Why in the world would I have the courage to say anything to him when I felt like a turtle hiding, not able to speak, scared of him, and trying to avoid him?
I think he was just comfy at work and that's how he spoke to everyone. He had no idea how damaging his words were, though. I was right out of college and thrown into what seemed like a pit of snakes. And all my coworkers just accepted his lewd behavior.
One of the coworkers kinda defended him, "you didn't have to get him in trouble, ya know." I got mad and snapped at him, "HE SEXUALLY HARASSED ME!" I shouted in tears defending myself, and the guy slithered away. I had finally defended myself, even if to the wrong person.
Little did I know 3-4 years later I would experience sexual harassment again, in the same office, but with a different individual.
Our office was moved some 60 miles away and there was a lot of turn-over with the staff. One of the new guys made me feel VERY uneasy. He was always staring at me and looking at me all day long and he made me feel very uncomfortable. One day I had a pendant on my necklace and he asked me about it. Then all of a sudden he reached right towards me and lifted it up off my chest to take a closer look at it. While that may seem innocent, he actually touched my breast, and I immediately went into turtle mode and stood there frozen in fear.
I finally confided and vented often to a coworker/friend how paralyzed and petrified I felt around him. I was nervous to be in the same room with him because he made me feel so uneasy, even with others around he was very menacing to me.
I wasn't the type of girl to say, "stop that!" I instead was the type who got scared and froze in those situations. He was older, bigger, intimidating, and I was mentally frail and scared.
We had a 'workshop' one afternoon in the office about EEO and sexual harassment in the work place. In that class (that he did not attend btw), that coworker I confided in heard this: "sometimes you have to speak up for others."
One day I come into work and I'm blindsided - my boss wants to talk to me. I walk in her office and also sitting there is the boss of the guy who was sexually harassing me.
My friend had told them what was happening to me and they wanted to know if it was true.
Yes.
All true.
I didn't come forward because of the backlash from this guy. If he got mad at me for 'telling on him,' how would he treat me then? I was already so intimidated and scared to be around him.
The bosses were disappointed I had been treated that way and been through it. I begged them not to say anything to him, but they said they had to. The staring and 'looks' continued but he stopped talking to me and other females in the offices, luckily.
I thanked my coworker for speaking up for me, because I was too shy and afraid to do it myself.
Almost 10 years later, I was at a new office and word got around that a guy who had been sexually harassing women was to be reassigned to our office. When I heard this, I LOST it. I got upset, crying, raising my voice how I could not be around someone like that again! It's amazing how affected I was at just the thought of having to deal with that again.
(for the record this new employee has yet to make comments to me personally, but a few female visitors have felt uncomfortable because of him and his words).
One thing we were taught in that 'class:' if you wouldn't say something to a coworker with their spouse or your spouse standing there, then you should never say it. That's kind of the 'thermometer' for situations.
As you are reading this you may think these aren't /that/ uncomfortable situations. But I can tell you that as I type all this out my heart is racing and I have anxiety just thinking about it. Those instances were very traumatic for me in the workplace.
And, if you have daughters or sisters, I can guarantee you wouldn't want them to feel this uncomfortable.
I am just grateful things have changed in the workplace, and that I always had supportive bosses for when I did finally talk to them.
#standwithgretchen
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Telling Others; Tell Them, too
I thought I was a great kid, that grew up into a responsible woman. But my Mom never told me she was proud of me. And yet I yearned for that for some reason.
I didn't do drugs, went to college, never got in trouble, had a great job, and yet I never knew if she was happy about me or not. Or proud of me, even.
One day home for a weekend visit, I got upset about something and snapped at my Dad about how I never got any feedback from my Mom.
Don't get me wrong, I knew how much she loved me and she told me all the time, but I never knew otherwise how she felt about me.
When I snapped at my Dad, he looked at me real funny. "Your Mom tells people all the time she's proud of you. Brags to everyone about you. How you finished college, have your own apartment, have a great job, etc."
I looked at him through tears and confusion. "WHAT? REALLY?"
I ran to my Mom in the other room and hugged her tightly. She was confused, and asked me, "what, Melinda?"
I replied crying in her chest, relieved, "You ARE proud me!"
She loosened my grip on her body and pushed me away from her so she could look directly into my eyes, "well, of course I'm proud of you. Look at you and all you've already accomplished!"
And I confided with hurtness, "but you never told /me/. I had no idea."
She grabbed me and hugged me back tightly. She felt bad I had been hurt and confused.
After that crucial point in both of our lives, she was more complimentary to me. Further, every card I received from her that day forward had the word "proud" in it. :)
I didn't do drugs, went to college, never got in trouble, had a great job, and yet I never knew if she was happy about me or not. Or proud of me, even.
One day home for a weekend visit, I got upset about something and snapped at my Dad about how I never got any feedback from my Mom.
Don't get me wrong, I knew how much she loved me and she told me all the time, but I never knew otherwise how she felt about me.
When I snapped at my Dad, he looked at me real funny. "Your Mom tells people all the time she's proud of you. Brags to everyone about you. How you finished college, have your own apartment, have a great job, etc."
I looked at him through tears and confusion. "WHAT? REALLY?"
I ran to my Mom in the other room and hugged her tightly. She was confused, and asked me, "what, Melinda?"
I replied crying in her chest, relieved, "You ARE proud me!"
She loosened my grip on her body and pushed me away from her so she could look directly into my eyes, "well, of course I'm proud of you. Look at you and all you've already accomplished!"
And I confided with hurtness, "but you never told /me/. I had no idea."
She grabbed me and hugged me back tightly. She felt bad I had been hurt and confused.
After that crucial point in both of our lives, she was more complimentary to me. Further, every card I received from her that day forward had the word "proud" in it. :)
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