Wish I Was Stronger

Last night I was at a seminar and two of the speakers talked about losing a family member.

When the seminar concluded, everyone was walking out and the speakers were standing near the door.  I wanted SO badly to thank the two for sharing their stories, and for being brave to talk in front of the group about their loss, but I could NOT speak without bawling, so I didn't say anything to them.

I was so mad at myself all the drive home (as I cried), wishing I had more strength to say even the little words from my mouth to them, "thank you."

But, I knew I would start bawling.  I was already crying from the THOUGHT of saying something to them.  Yes, I was in line to walk out with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I wish I wasn't so scared to cry in front of strangers.

I think they would have loved to be thanked, and even to know someone understands their loss.

I slammed my fist on the steering wheel, crying, so upset with myself.  I wanted so badly to turn around, even!

I remember back in about 1985 or so, when I was a teenager, my Grandmother passed away.  At her funeral, we were all in the church and the pastor asked us, if we wished, to stand up and say something about her.

I tried SO hard to stand up and speak.  I wanted to!!  But I could not.  :(  I knew I would only bawl.  I knew I would not be able to get my words out without crying.  My heart was hurting so badly.  My chest was sore, my throat was dry, and tears were flowing.  And I could not speak.  I just sat there bawling.

I remember so vividly my Dad standing up at one point and he spoke about her.  As I look back, I see now JUST HOW DIFFICULT that had to of been for him.  He held back his tears, talked so amazingly about his Mom, and honored her so wonderfully.  But I didn't realize of course at the time just how brave that was of him.  It was his Mom.  He loved her.  It was painful.  She was gone.  :(

When the casket was moved to the car, I walked up to it and rested my hand on it and spoke to her softly and cried.  I walked away to my parents, and then raced back up to it to touch it again and say goodbye.

However, I wish I could control my tears enough to speak UP more.  Speak out through my tears, anyway!

I think last night the speakers would have loved to have heard that they were appreciated and how I could relate with their losses.  And I know my Grandma Bailey's friends and family would have loved to have heard my words about my loving Grandmother.