Former Friends

Social media allows us to see things and feel things we may not have had to deal with 20 years ago.

I have felt real bad about a few recent things from former friends.  Mostly because I see their posts on FB about their friendships and it makes me sad I'm not a friend to them anymore.

The overwhelming feeling of disappointment and the daggers in my heart can sometimes last hours, or, if I think about it too much, for several days.

In the past, if you didn't speak to someone anymore (for whatever reason), you may not even see them to have those painful feelings of "what happened."

But nowadays, it's easy to remain connected virtually.

But, it hit me the other day that the way I feel, some of my former friends might feel, also.

Why?

Because I'm doing the same thing (unknowingly) probably to other people who I used to be good friends with.

If someone doesn't want me in their life, then it's their loss and they don't know me anymore. 

Just as I don't really want to be friends with former friends who lied or took up too much energy or who only want to be friends on their terms, I'm sure when they see me on FB talking about friends or being close to others, that it upsets them as well.  Just as when I see on FB "friends" who no longer want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, yet be friendly with others, hurts me and confuses me.

I wonder, what did I do that was so bad?

But when I think about how I prefer others not in my life anymore either, then I can kinda relate.  Then I should not be hurt anymore.  When I think of that side of things, I don't feel hurt; I feel understanding.  Not understanding for why they don't speak to me, but understanding that it's okay they don't want to be friends.  Acceptance?

Acceptance.

Reason, Season, Lifetime is fair game from both sides.

I don't really believe in karma, but I feel karma is biting me in the ass.  And, this is what I deserve.  And, quite honestly, I'm okay with that.

I was told about a year ago someone wasn't speaking to me because they "don't approve of my life."  All I can think of is I'm certainly not perfect, but if taking care of my dear Mom for 5 years is being a bad person/daughter then think what you will.

Now, I know that's not why they don't like me and that can't be why they aren't speaking to me, but when I heard I was a bad person, I wondered how can I be that bad of a person for taking care of my Mom?

(for the record, I have NO idea why this person "doesn't approve of my life")

And what's even more weird about this karma thing is, I learned from my Mom and Dad not to speak to people when I'm upset with them.  That is SO WRONG.  But it is what I was taught how to handle difficult situations.  And what I did for 40 years.  Well, even now there are people I wont speak to.  And yet people are treating me the same way.

Is that the karma thing again?

Or, have we ALL been taught through our parents that that is the way to handle things?

I can sit back and keep being hurt, but let's face it, I have done it to others.  I am not a horrible person but have made bad decisions in my life.  If people judge me for being human, then so be it.

I have judged others and not talked to them either; it's fair game.

I must remember that when people no longer want to be friends with me or judge me or don't speak to me anymore, that it's okay.

I need to not take it personal; Everyone has their own opinion.

I was told a LONG time ago that not everyone is going to like you.  I truly believe that and I'm okay with that.

It's when people who used to be friends with me who no longer want to speak to me that confuses me.

But, if I see that I chose that same fate for some of my friends in the past, then I understand it's not personal, it's just a choice.

It reminds me of that phrase from a few years ago "He's just not that into you."  It relates to relationships, but I think it also resonates with friendships.

And that's okay!

And guess what?  It's okay to be me.  And it's okay if you don't like me.  What is most important is that I like myself.

I have friends now who treat me so much better and I cherish my new friendships more than words can say anyway.

I also read one time, "would you be friends with yourself?"  You're damn right I would be!