Former Friends

Social media allows us to see things and feel things we may not have had to deal with 20 years ago.

I have felt real bad about a few recent things from former friends.  Mostly because I see their posts on FB about their friendships and it makes me sad I'm not a friend to them anymore.

The overwhelming feeling of disappointment and the daggers in my heart can sometimes last hours, or, if I think about it too much, for several days.

In the past, if you didn't speak to someone anymore (for whatever reason), you may not even see them to have those painful feelings of "what happened."

But nowadays, it's easy to remain connected virtually.

But, it hit me the other day that the way I feel, some of my former friends might feel, also.

Why?

Because I'm doing the same thing (unknowingly) probably to other people who I used to be good friends with.

If someone doesn't want me in their life, then it's their loss and they don't know me anymore. 

Just as I don't really want to be friends with former friends who lied or took up too much energy or who only want to be friends on their terms, I'm sure when they see me on FB talking about friends or being close to others, that it upsets them as well.  Just as when I see on FB "friends" who no longer want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, yet be friendly with others, hurts me and confuses me.

I wonder, what did I do that was so bad?

But when I think about how I prefer others not in my life anymore either, then I can kinda relate.  Then I should not be hurt anymore.  When I think of that side of things, I don't feel hurt; I feel understanding.  Not understanding for why they don't speak to me, but understanding that it's okay they don't want to be friends.  Acceptance?

Acceptance.

Reason, Season, Lifetime is fair game from both sides.

I don't really believe in karma, but I feel karma is biting me in the ass.  And, this is what I deserve.  And, quite honestly, I'm okay with that.

I was told about a year ago someone wasn't speaking to me because they "don't approve of my life."  All I can think of is I'm certainly not perfect, but if taking care of my dear Mom for 5 years is being a bad person/daughter then think what you will.

Now, I know that's not why they don't like me and that can't be why they aren't speaking to me, but when I heard I was a bad person, I wondered how can I be that bad of a person for taking care of my Mom?

(for the record, I have NO idea why this person "doesn't approve of my life")

And what's even more weird about this karma thing is, I learned from my Mom and Dad not to speak to people when I'm upset with them.  That is SO WRONG.  But it is what I was taught how to handle difficult situations.  And what I did for 40 years.  Well, even now there are people I wont speak to.  And yet people are treating me the same way.

Is that the karma thing again?

Or, have we ALL been taught through our parents that that is the way to handle things?

I can sit back and keep being hurt, but let's face it, I have done it to others.  I am not a horrible person but have made bad decisions in my life.  If people judge me for being human, then so be it.

I have judged others and not talked to them either; it's fair game.

I must remember that when people no longer want to be friends with me or judge me or don't speak to me anymore, that it's okay.

I need to not take it personal; Everyone has their own opinion.

I was told a LONG time ago that not everyone is going to like you.  I truly believe that and I'm okay with that.

It's when people who used to be friends with me who no longer want to speak to me that confuses me.

But, if I see that I chose that same fate for some of my friends in the past, then I understand it's not personal, it's just a choice.

It reminds me of that phrase from a few years ago "He's just not that into you."  It relates to relationships, but I think it also resonates with friendships.

And that's okay!

And guess what?  It's okay to be me.  And it's okay if you don't like me.  What is most important is that I like myself.

I have friends now who treat me so much better and I cherish my new friendships more than words can say anyway.

I also read one time, "would you be friends with yourself?"  You're damn right I would be!  

Age Really is a Number

Age really is a number.

But you don't realize this til you get older.

When I was in teens, my Dad's brother passed away of a heart attack at age 29.  I heard over and over how young he was.  In my teens I'm thinking, "that's not young, that's kinda old."

Typing that out makes me laugh reflecting back on my naivety!

When I turned 29, that's when it really hit me how young Robert Bailey really was.  Wow.  :(

In my mid 20s, people who were barely 21 could not BELIEVE I was as old as I was.  25.

When I was 32, I met a woman who was going through a lot in her life and she was 42 years old.  And I was thinking as I looked at her, "Gosh that's old.  I can't believe how old she is."

As I am now 43, I realize obviously that 42 is NOT old. 

I wonder how I will feel when I get to 50?  Or 55 or 60?

Right now, when I think back to the 1990s, it doesn't hit me how long ago that was.  I was in college and just starting my career in 1992.

But for some reason, to realize that 2004 was just only NINE years ago?  Holy Cow!  Really??

The few months before I turned 40, I was freaking out.  OMG.  FORTY. 

A few months after 40.  Eh, 40 is nothing.

As I look toward 45, when will it hit me how old I really am?

I still dress the same as my 30s (young).  When do I start dressing my real age?  When I'm old?  LMAO.

I remember visiting my Grandma Duncan and she was in her 70s or 80s and so were her friends.  Even at that age, they still cared about their looks.  I heard once before that no matter what age, women still care about their looks.  They will still buy creams for their now-deep wrinkles, still go to the salon for their hair color, and still wear make up.  Will there be one day I don't care about drawing my lips on?

My Mom was in a nursing home for only about 4 months (thank God) for rehabilitation.  She would be wheeled down to the "exercise" room and do her arm and leg movements along with the other ladies.  To me, everyone in the room was old.  To her, only the other people in the room were old. 

I just shook my head in agreement, not wanting to point out she looked like every one of them in the room.

However, my Mom was lucky and didn't look her age in the face.  Her wrinkles were hardly there (lucky beotch) but she let her hair go grey and her body was that of an 80 year old.  But, what mattered most to her was her face, and she did NOT look in her mid 60s.

Again, no matter what age a woman is, she will always care what she looks like and do her same routine (or new ones) to make herself look good.  As proof, my Mom would wear her wig to the Emergency Room, not realizing everyone could tell it was a wig.  ;)

A few of my very good friends are in the 60s.  Being in the social media age, everyone takes pics.  But they don't like pics of themselves and shy away from it.  I can envision that of myself.

What really struck me was each of them in some form or fashion has mentioned that they catch themselves in a pic or in the mirror and wonder, "Who is that?"

"Wait, when did I start to look this old."

I wonder when that moment will hit me.  50?  55?

Age really is just a number, but it's easier said than done.

I recall very distinctly when I was just about to turn 30, talking to a coworker who was going through some things.

He told me one of his fears was not accomplishing certain things by the time he was 40.  He turned 40, and everything he wanted to accomplish he had done.  And yet, he was still having "trouble" turning 40.  He had to go see a therapist for it.  He was confused.

That confused me to hear that.

As I think ahead, I am eligible to retire at 57.  I recall a coworker who retired 7 years ago saying, "it will pass by in a flash - you wont believe it."

Well, 57 is 15 whole years away.  That's a long time.  Or is it?


Here is some interesting insights and honesty from Cybill Shepherd she shared with Oprah:

When 40 finally arrived, Cybill says she fled the country but couldn't escape her age. Turning 50 was even worse, she says. "Fifty was really very traumatic, especially the early 50s," she says. "I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because I could see that I was aging."


Turning 60, however, was a turning point. "You decide what's really important in your life," she says.

Now that she's older, Cybill says her definition of real beauty has changed. "If we don't work to develop that depth and [have] more fun too—and really laughing and crying as much as possible—learning to love ourselves as we age is one of the most challenging things we can do," she says. "Look at everything and find something you can love about your body."

And check out what Linda Evans shares with Oprah:

Linda says she finally learned the true meaning of beauty in her 50s. "In a way, you're forced to give up the game," she says. "Anything that is outside of you, you can't control. But you can control inside of you."

Still, Linda says she decided to have plastic surgery at 50 because she wanted to, not because she had to. "I was madly in love with a man 12 years younger than me [New Age musician Yanni]," she says. "I wanted to still look good because I was with him."

Linda says she doesn't regret her surgery. "I wanted to look a certain way so I could feel better about that 12-year difference," she says. "And it worked."

Surgery or not, Linda says every woman should strive to love what they see in the mirror. "The great thing about aging is you do get wiser and you do get more certain in yourself of what you are and what you want," she says. "Loving yourself doesn't mean having a massage or getting your hair done. It means truly knowing your values." 

I'm Still Here; And So Are you!

After my best friend passed away (my Mom), I lost myself.  I was no longer "Melinda" and I was just a body trying to walk around and get through the day.

I didn't smile for an entire year.

I didn't hardly talk in depth with anyone.

I stayed to myself and just grieved.

I didn't care about anything or anyone (especially not myself).

Therefore, it's no surprise that my "Melinda personality" didn't show during that 16 months of grieving. 

(That included at work, too.)

I told a friend recently that, "I had lost my personality while I grieved.  I wasn't myself at all."

I told him I was doing better now and trying to get back to the "old" Me, though. 

His response was, "Glad to see you are trying.  And, don't forget that some of us never stopped caring about you, even when you were without your personality."

Although it sounds kinda funny what he said, I more so looked through the funny side and saw what he really wrote:  People still cared about me, even though I wasn't myself.

This REALLY meant a lot.  While I saw myself as reclusive and sad, people still cared about me while I felt alone and didn't reach out; I just didn't see it.

I am glad to know that my seclusion from the outside world, and the distance I put between myself and EVERYONE didn't hurt my friendships.

I am really lucky.

Found an Old Book of My Mom's

Getting ready for the last garage sale of my life (hopefully).  Going over every inch of the house.

Found this book among my Mom's books.  Wish I could have shown her when she was alive, just to see her reaction!

This is super cool!

 

 This says, "Toni, From Grandma and Grandpa, Christmas 1950"

Wow, 1950!!

 Here is the book they gave her:

 

 

Of course, then I notice it's a library book!

Watch out for that 5 cent fee!  (you rebel, Mom!)

Still, pretty cool to see my GreatGrandma's handwriting and a special note to my Mom who was only seven (7) years old way back in 1950.

:)